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D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to continue. - 3/17/2007 8:35:18 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
Joined: 12/22/2005
Status: offline

Our D/s seems to be coming to an end. Various things have brought me to a point where im no longer needing the power exchange, or welcoming of it. We are a family, and in no way will our relationship end. Just the dynamic. I do of course realise that without the dynamic, our relationship could falter also, but i hope not.
I wondered if other people have experienced this?

My submission has gone awol. And try as i might, i dont seem to be able to or want to, tap into that space again.
Id be interested to hear from others who may have had this happen. Clearly, if my submission has gone awol, then his dominance of me has gone too.
We are having a month to consider things, then we can discuss it fully.
Several attempts to restart it, have failed. Its not him, its me. Ive lost that need it seems. Its all very confusing at times.

What experiences of this have others had?

little1

Post #: 1

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/17/2007 9:18:31 PM

hisannabelle

Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline

i think it's amazing that you two are so very committed to your relationship, and that you are willing to work things out as far as your feelings over d/s and your relationship go.

i personally have not had this experience, and i think that if my submission went awol so to speak, i wouldn't know how to live...it is such an integral part of me. so i cannot identify right now in that sense...but i would just like to say that i wish you two the best of luck and i applaud you in doing what's best for you.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 2

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/17/2007 9:39:55 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

You can work this out between yourselves. It will take time and patience on both ends. The end of D/s doesn't mean the end of the relationship, it just means change. Change can be a good thing, particularly if you are not happy with things as they are. It will take alot of communication and negotiation so that you both know you are on the same page and what is expected/desired. Just remember if you truly care about one another, you WILL get through the "period of change", it just takes hard work.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 3

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/17/2007 10:07:10 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Some questions to ask:

Why did you submit? Was it because you felt called to do so or because you felt it would truly please him? Was it to help you grow or was it to make him love you more or for you to be more acceptable to him?

Why don't you want to submit anymore? What thrilled you about it before that no longer does?

What do you want in the relationship? What do you need in order to feel happy and fulfilled? Are you getting that now? Did you get that when you were in submission?

Maybe looking at these will help better define what's happened and what should now happen.

*hugs*

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 4

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/17/2007 10:08:55 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lashra

~Lashra

WOW... Lasha... what a stunningly beautiful picture!!!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 5

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/17/2007 10:23:43 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Thanks Knight (don't mean to hijack here sorry OP)

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 6

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 10:41:50 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

It is true that there is a significant chunk of people who come to Ds sincerely, but it is used as a way to work through a certain period of their lives, and then they find it is no longer useful or necessary beyond that. I don't think this is bad or wrong- in fact I think it makes a lot of sense.

But read what MFM had to say and examine those things closely. As long as you are being true to yourself and not coming from a place of fear, then it's hard to go wrong.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 7

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 2:11:50 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

The only experience i have had with this is from a dom i was close to at one time. He had met his wife though a chat room (bdsm) and he told her he was a sadist and she told him she was a masochist. They met a few times (he flew to see her as she did him) and they played, got to know each other better, fell in love eventually and decided they were right for each other. He even relocated to NJ, from IL to be with her. About a year or so into the marriage he takes out his bag one day and she starts bawling..... adnitting to him she is realy not a masochist and cannnot continue to play the part any longer. He tried to suppress his desire for it, but eventually did cheat on her. She found out, and instead of leaving him she decided to "allow" him to find a sub to meet his need, with restrictions. He felt very torn, and was really miserable with being in the middle of a having to decide on satisfying his desire or giving it up. i know on some level he resented her. When he did find another sub, with his wifes permission, she wasn't able to deal with it emotionally and pulled the rug out from under them. Having seen this person through this i would say to you be sensitive to his need for D/s. From what i have read and what others have told me - it's hard to "give up" - i don't know you or him so maybe it wasn't all that much a part of your relationship to begin with, but if it was he may not be as ok with it in a few months as he is now, after he feels that void in his life when it is gone. Good luck to you both and i hope it all works out for you.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 8

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 3:15:24 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sirandlittle1

Our D/s seems to be coming to an end. Various things have brought me to a point where im no longer needing the power exchange, or welcoming of it. We are a family, and in no way will our relationship end. Just the dynamic. I do of course realise that without the dynamic, our relationship could falter also, but i hope not.
I wondered if other people have experienced this?

My submission has gone awol. And try as i might, i dont seem to be able to or want to, tap into that space again.
Id be interested to hear from others who may have had this happen. Clearly, if my submission has gone awol, then his dominance of me has gone too.
We are having a month to consider things, then we can discuss it fully.
Several attempts to restart it, have failed. Its not him, its me. Ive lost that need it seems. Its all very confusing at times.

What experiences of this have others had?
little1

I have not had this experience myself, but good luck to you both. I hope you will still post here.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 9

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 3:39:52 PM

MsParados

Posts: 183
Joined: 3/1/2007
Status: offline

Yes and it was the final nail in the coffin of that relationship. I could have dealt with or danced around everything else but sometimes love is just not enough to keep a realtionship afloat. You need to have commonalities that contribute to the ebb and flow of a relationship. If your needs have changed, so long as your partner was willing to adjust to them than Woo Hoo it's all good. For me it was not so easy cause It wasn't something I wanted or felt I should have to change. I got into that relationship with the agreement that "everything was everything" but once his desires changed, I was out, it felt like he lied and misreprestented himself

On the otherside of the coin in my current relationship, I once told Daddy something similar, that I wanted to be "equals" after he got done laughing, he refused to let me back out of our agreement. That time it worked out well cause I was just confused and speaking out of anger, as well as being influenced by outside forces. If he had allowed me to renige...... I don't even know what would have happened..... I would have betrayed myself in the end..... thank god he has better judgement than I.

Fire had some great questions, we all do alot of things, for alot of different reasons, so long as you know why your doing yours and are honest with your partner no matter the outcome, you will be ok.

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 10

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 5:05:04 PM

Elorin

Posts: 970
Joined: 8/22/2004
From: San Antonio, TX
Status: offline

I am a Dominant. It is who and what I choose to be. I do not feel drawn to submission ~in general~. However, when I met Sir, the desire to submit was overwhelming. He is a phenomenal man that is very compatible with me in many ways, and I trust him implicitly. The desire to submit wasn't a general one, it was to him. I am not ~a~ submissive, I am his submissive.

Unfortunately, I am still a Domme. That made submitting very difficult, and my nature (and the fact that I had actually been mentoring him as a Dom) led to a LOT of clashing of wills and conflict.

We struggled. We had other situations that were rough while we tried to work things out, and they didn't help. Eventually, we could not do D/s. It wasn't working, it was making both of us very miserable. We spent about 18 months without any D/s whatsoever. In that time frame, we loved one another. We were happy. Well, as happy as some horrible life situations allowed us to be. In that time we talked. We talked a LOT. We tried to figure out what each of us needed (to be happy) and what each of us wanted. We talked about what went poorly for me, and what went poorly for him.

Luckily, we have D/s again. As of yesterday. I'm excited - I really want to celebrate! But we DO love one another, and we had a functional relationship even without D/s. Had we not been able to have D/s again, I think we would have been able to have a relationship, though we both would have regretted it.

I wish you the best of luck. Please feel free to e-mail if you need someone to talk to. I know what it is like to find my desire to submit fading, and to find myself struggling.

~E

(in reply to MsParados)

Post #: 11

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 5:10:17 PM

velvetears

Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsParados
For me it was not so easy cause It wasn't something I wanted or felt I should have to change. I got into that relationship with the agreement that "everything was everything" but once his desires changed, I was out, it felt like he lied and misreprestented himself

Thats how my friend felt - like his wife had misrepresented herself and maybe even lied. I don't know - maybe he was too intense for her, maybe her needs changed, could be many things. It's hard to believe someone would lie and tell a sadist they were a masochist and want to spend their lives living a lie in a role that would be very hard to pull off.

_____________________________

Religion is for people who are scared of hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there

(in reply to MsParados)

Post #: 12

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 5:16:54 PM

Mystique567

Posts: 273
Joined: 6/11/2006
Status: offline

I had a Dom who left the D/s lifestyle, and released me knowing that my preference was to remain. At first I resented that he would leave me for a vanilla woman, but over time I realized that he grew tired of the work it took to be a Dom and that he was getting older and just wanted to be settled into a vanilla life where he could write and be who he wanted to be. Although I think he will miss this life, I wish him the best and I hope life gives him all that he is looking for.

That is my wish for you as well, be true to your needs, loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give to those who love you.

(in reply to Elorin)

Post #: 13

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 5:50:59 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

It is perfectly ok and noremal for people to change, You are no loger submissive nor do you wish to be that is fine, I think it is great you want to keep your relationship as a venilla one but the only thing that would worry me about this is that while you no longer wish to submit he may and probubly does still wish to Dominate and is it really fair of you to make him give up that part of his personality. Then again that is up to him, if he is willing to give it up. I dont know that is just where my head went. I know that if my Master ever desided he no longer wished to be a Master that i would not be happy in the relationship even though I love him I would need to move on so that I could get my needs met.

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to Mystique567)

Post #: 14

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 6:16:50 PM

slaveaurora

Posts: 157
Joined: 6/30/2006
Status: offline

I don't post here often and the topic of this thread is exactly why.   I don't have much in common anymore with the majority of posters here.

My Master ( I used the term loosely) and I lost the D/s dynamic a long time ago, but still have the relationship.
We don't live a Master/slave lifestyle and haven't for a few years.    I think he mostly lost interest and I naturally followed.   I don't really have the desire anymore to submit, and he doesn't have the desire to "Master".

However, with that said, he is still very much the "man" of the house and has a natural dominate personality.   We don't play anymore or engage in any TPE, other than as the man of the house he runs things.

So far it works for us. He does his thing and I do mine.   Sometimes i do miss it, but I am not sure I miss it enough to do anything about it, or to move on and find another.   I doubt I could really submit to anyone again, the desire is gone.

It can work if you both agree to live this way.

~aurora~

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 15

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 6:59:24 PM

Driver1961

Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

He dips His lid to all,

This thread boasts quality that I love to see on C/M.

To KnightofMist who was being honest not sleazy- I agree on the pic too!

OK, my Precious and I have been doing it tough in late months. Her ability to quote her love, respect, and submission (to all and sundry at times) was at times in direct contrast to her actions.   I realized most (if not all) was related to her work commitments, which created conflicted reflection in our D/s coupling; however our relationship steadily (if not quickly) deteriorated when I was 'worn down' of my normal exuberance. None of my actions had any meaningful impact, and nor did I wish to remove her collar and tell her we had a 'Vanilla only ' relationship. This action would have most likely finished our relationship altogether and plunged her into a major depression.  So, there is lots to say about the exchanges b/w us and my methods etc, but it is essentially irrelevant for this post.

The day came when Wild finally offered her collar back to me, I accepted it, cuddled her and told her that I considered she'd made a correct decision. This was a turning point for us. There is no collar b/w us now, but emotionally there is, our sex isn't mill of the run but it is D/s based without any scening. (umm well I do plan a bit on how to get both our needs met- but not strict BDSM stuff!)

This 'freeing up' has been extremely positive.  Our duality of respect for each others opinions has returned, and both our anxiety levels substantially decreased.   I beginning to again look upon my 'Pet' with adoration.

'Sirlittles' one' It's all good what is happening, you appear to have the duality of communication and  that is a base relationship cornerstone.

I wish you well in expressing your concerns so that I have been able to re-reflect mine here.

L/A is correct, we do all grow and sometimes we take different directions, and sometimes our connection with others takes us to bountiful places that we previously considered arid before we return hand in hand.

Warm regards Driver.

_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to slaveaurora)

Post #: 16

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 7:04:29 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I have never personally experienced this but I know it happens. I agree with what others have said. Read MFM's post and think on that. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 17

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 9:54:43 PM

themischievous1

Posts: 151
Joined: 4/3/2005
From: San Antonio, Texas
Status: offline

I don't believe that there is any particular ordered or pre-defined way for a D/s couple to be or even evolve. Life is a journey. A relationship between two people is a journey. It's already been said that a couple has to be open to change within one another if a relationship is to survive. I think if it's going to be able to truly meet one another needs, both partners need to be able to go with the ebb and flow of the other. Power exchange is only one aspect of a relationship that a couple share. If that is the only part of the relationship that is ever really focused upon or paid attention to, that seems extremely limiting and boring to me.

Perhaps the D/s power exchange is ebbing and appears to be at an end but that can be tricky. A lot can contribute to decline of the will to submit and the desire to master. Stress, family pressures, career and the demands of daily life can seriously challenge even the most committed to this way of life.

My suggestion is that since you are planning to continue to be together that you allow one another to simply be who that may be right now but that you don't entirely close the door permanently on who each of you were; allow that to open back up again if the feeling is mutual from time to time. You might be amazed at what develops when the timing is right if you give yourselves permission to simply be who you are in each given moment.

My best to both of you

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 18

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 10:51:46 PM

SilverShadows

Posts: 558
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline

I started subbing with my current partner. That lasted about 2 years and then I out grew it. The experience helped me work through some of my issues of control vs. abuse and provided me a insites I needed.

While your situation differs, the answer is 7 years later that Ds was not necessary for us to remain to gether. We consider ourself a dom/dom couple.

_____________________________

The Countess

Το αίμα είναι η ζωή
Cruor est Vita
Sînge is art.hot. Viaţă
Vér van a Élet

Come Kiss the Guillotine
Come Taste the Gasoline

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 19

RE: D/s coming to an end, but the relationship to conti... - 3/18/2007 11:21:47 PM

Evanesce

Posts: 2325
Joined: 9/14/2005
Status: offline

Unfortunately, this sort of thing happens all the time. It's happened to the Kaptin and myself, too. We started off with what we both viewed as the "perfect" Master/slave dynamic. We had structure, we had ritual, we had rules, and we were both very, very happy. Then, in a single day, the rug was yanked out from under us. Suddenly, everything we did day to day was gone, because HE was gone. His company had lost the contract for His daily route and He was forced to go on the road.

The Kaptin is gone 300 days a year. When He IS home, the last thing He wants to do is to worry about rules and rituals. Our dungeon doesn't get used except once a month when we host play parties and, more often than not, we don't even play at our own parties any more. I no longer have the little rituals and routines that used to help me focus, either. Basically, I live alone. This has gone on for five years now.

We WANT our relationship to work. We WANT the Master/slave dynamic we used to have. But with me being a dominant individual and having so much time on my own and calling my own shots, it's almost impossible to get back into the service mindset. I've been in control for years, and He'll have to take that away from me. I want Him to take it. He MUST take it, because I can't surrender it willingly now. It won't be easy for either of us, but we still work at it, because one day He won't be on the road any longer, and maybe then we'll be able to get back what we used to have. It's there, under the surface, and we can see it. We just haven't been able to grab it yet.

_____________________________

Denise

Give a slave what he truly needs, and he will do what you want.

"There's never a hero in a battle of ego." - Big & Rich

(in reply to Sirandlittle1)

Post #: 20

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