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If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your One... - 3/17/2007 8:21:58 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Does any one have any tips or suggestions on how to become less attached at the hip to your one?

had a dominant who was online only and if I wasn't on when he was we didn't get time at all. That's turned me into someone who's unwilling to be out of contact range for a long time I am fine with 20 to an hour away after that I get anxious that I might miss his call.. With my new dominant, I am of the mind set if I go off and do anything with out him I am going to miss something, or I am somehow depriving myself of his attention.

One of the things we're trying to work on right now is that I will not be depriving myself of any of his time if I want to go to bed early, or I want to watch tv instead of focusing soley on our phone conversation. Last night for instance I chose to go to bed at 12:30 because I was tired, instead of hanging in till one out of some misguided sense that I'd be depriving myself of him if I l eft early. He actually preferes I go to bed early ifI wish because he knows I am awfully tired if I want to go early.

I simply do not know how to not be attached at the hip. I see him every two weeks for one day, after that it's all phone time, and I do not know how not to feel deprived or anxious if I want to or think of something to do away fromhim.

Like work for instance, I want a part time job, but I know then I won't be avalible all the times he is, he says it';s ok and I say no it's not ok. I do not want to be unavailible when he's availible. He says he'll wait for me to get off work no big deal, I feel yes it is a big deal those 5 hours I was at work could of ment 15 hours with him instead of 10 hours. stuff like that.

I simply do not know how to not feel I am depriving myself of something if I am away from him.

I know it's not entirely healthy to be so "attached at the hip" I just don't know how not to be anxious about being availible when and if he is, or feel like I am some how depriving myself if I want to be away from him. or do something else, or when he's away allday.  I think I have taken some steps in toddling away from the nest so to speak by joining the SPCA as a volunteer, I'll be gone during the day mostly, but I will be away from my house, and unreachable for the most part.



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Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 8:50:48 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		You're operative from a place of fear. When you no longer are, you won't worry about missing anything. The fear isn't that you'll miss something; it's deeper than that. Look deeper...why are you afraid of missing something? Keep asking why...when you identify the core fear, you can then start to work on it.

If you want someone to banter that with, email me on the other side.

Master Fire


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 9:12:38 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Oddly enough I have a mine mine mine  attitude for a lot of things. I am really possesive of my food lol. I used to hate it when mom took the box of chicken nuggets and cooked them for every one, because I was like well that's less for me, or I felt if  I had cans of snapple I couldn't drink more than one a week or I'd have none. I've kind of gotten away from the wolf pack mentality on my food a little bit. I know what caused that lol.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 9:43:00 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

You're operative from a place of fear. When you no longer are, you won't worry about missing anything. The fear isn't that you'll miss something; it's deeper than that. Look deeper...why are you afraid of missing something? Keep asking why...when you identify the core fear, you can then start to work on it.

If you want someone to banter that with, email me on the other side.

Master Fire



I would generally agree with these thoughts.

Uncertainty in the realitionship is driving you to hold on to it every moment you can get.  I suspect as you build confidence the relationship is going to be here tomorrow and not be fearful of it not being... you will learn to enjoy the realationship to a whole new level.  It will be worth it!

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 9:47:01 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

You're operative from a place of fear. When you no longer are, you won't worry about missing anything. The fear isn't that you'll miss something; it's deeper than that. Look deeper...why are you afraid of missing something? Keep asking why...when you identify the core fear, you can then start to work on it.

If you want someone to banter that with, email me on the other side.

Master Fire



I would generally agree with these thoughts.

Uncertainty in the realitionship is driving you to hold on to it every moment you can get.  I suspect as you build confidence the relationship is going to be here tomorrow and not be fearful of it not being... you will learn to enjoy the realationship to a whole new level.  It will be worth it!


i agree with everything that's been said.

my own experience with my dominant has been that he is very independent and i am traditionally very codependent. being with him has helped me become more independent and him more open and affectionate and not such a loner, so we now function more along the lines of interdependence, like knight talked about on the other thread. however, it took me a long time to get over my fear of losing him or not seeing him enough and things like that, and i still haven't completely conquered it. the very real prospect of having to live a good portion of my life without him, due to the age difference (which isn't quite as big of an issue for us, with my own personal health history and the fact that he is quite healthy for his age, but it still is something of an issue) is one of the main things that prompted me to explore my fear of being without him. with his urging and my own desire to become more confident in myself and in the relationship, i've been able to build a life where we complement each other but we would not be so utterly devastated that we couldn't pick up the pieces if something happened to one of us. it also helps in those times when i really want to be around him but he has work or life stuff going on and it's just not possible, or when we are together but one of us is in a bad headspace due to other things and so we can't make the most of our time together.

it's a long process. i think recognizing that you want to change the fear you have is a really important thing and definitely a good starting point.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 9:51:42 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hisannabelle

i still haven't completely conquered it.


annabelle... as a thought to consider.

It is not a question of conquering the fear so it no longer exists.

It is a question of conquering the fear's control upon your actions. 

The fear will always be there.  It's there because we love them... but just becuase it is there doesn't mean it has to control us. 

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/17/2007 9:56:28 PM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		thanks, knight :) i think i am a bit too tired right now to be able to see all sides so well. your words are very much appreciated, and make a lot of sense. i've always been a very anxious person, even more so since my parents' deaths (at one point it got really bad and i was terrified i was going to lose everyone and having really bad panic attacks and such), so that has been a big hurdle to overcome. i really am coming to a place now, though, where it has so much less control over my actions.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/18/2007 3:03:23 AM   
jadein


Posts: 37
Joined: 2/12/2007
Status: offline 		i have a huge fear of abandonment due to the fact that i was abandoned for three years by my mother when i was 9 years old and my biological father i never knew ... he left when i was 6 months old.  Now, i'm not saying that anything like this happened to you at all ... you could of and probably did have a very happy and pretty normal childhood.  But i will say this ... in the beginning of my marriage this is how i acted .... we started out as friends online and then moved to dating in real life as we didn't live that far apart.  After we started dating and becoming closer i felt like if i wasn't available to be with him whenever he wanted he would leave or grow tired of always have to wait for me.  Never not once did he ever say or act like that was the case ... it was something in my own headspace ... my own fear.   This was an issue that stayed well into our marriage.  Fears about divorce and him leaving consumed me to the point that i did one of two things on any given day .... i smothered him with my time, devotion and affection  or i picked fights with him and tried to sabotage the relationship.  

But it started out the same way you are explaining right now ... if i'm not with him then i'm depriving him and myself of valuable time we can spend together .... gradually over time it grew into what i just explained. 

It's not healthy at all and we spent a year in counceling to deal with it because my husband had no clue what else to do with me ... He encouraged me to go out and be with my friends and to pick up new hobbies or to volunteer or to get a job (i was and am a stay at home mom)... He used to tell me all the time ... I can not be your whole life I'll disappoint you somewhere down the road because I'm only human. 

I would agree with Master Fire and Knight of Mists .... really really evaluate what's REALLY going on and try to focus on not letting whatever it is control you.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/18/2007 3:10:10 AM   
NakedGirlScout


Posts: 370
Joined: 1/10/2006
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		You say that you see him for one day every couple of weeks. I'm not suprised you feel needy. The same thing happened to me until I moved in with my owner, and after a few months of separation anxiety we've mellowed out to the point that he can now work in his shop without me hanging over his shoulder every moment. I think it's very natural to feel once a week visits or what have you aren't enough, if you're in it for 24/7 (you didn't say you were, but I'm guessing you wouldn't be against it if it were possible). There could be a set point in you that when you get enough time with each other the separation anxiety will just go away.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/18/2007 5:13:12 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hello. =)

Wow... I just have to say that, if you only see him once every two weeks, you're not even close to being "attached at the hip" lol.

I think these feelings are very natural considering your situation. You simply do not get enough real, face-to-face time with him, so of course you want to overcompensate by phone or online.

Is there any possible way to see him a bit more then one day out of 14? That's only two days a month. I'm sorry if I don't have any practical information for you. I can only say that, if that were my situation, I'd be pining too.

Total props for all the people that successfully maintain long-distance relationships like that. I just couldn't do it, no way.

Good luck,
Stella

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 12:39:09 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Stella there really isn't. He works all week long hours, sept mon an tues from 11  amto 9:30  pm somedays like tonight he had to stay till 11:30 so we're only getting one hour to two before bed, it's a 2 hour drive back and forth. I was hoping on days where he got out at say 4 instead of 9:30 we could swing a day visit,  but he's not schedualed out till late night till who knows when.I won't be seeing him tomorow or tuesday either, so it'll be  the 25th before he comes over again.

I really do think if we were local I'd be like less mine mine more more attitude. I just don't see any solution to being closer neither of us can move, If I go up to Santa Rosa I'd have to take greyhound or the train stay for a few hours and come back which I'd gladly do but I don't have money to. plus if I wanted to stay he'd have to get a hotel, He lives with his brother and his sister in law to help raise their kids* which I hate the livingarrangement* He;s working encredibly hard alsoto have his own place so I may spend some more time, but it's at least a year away. 

< Message edited by FelinePersuasion -- 3/19/2007 12:48:59 AM >

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Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 5:27:22 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Set up a schedule for the phone calls. So if you start work at 8, then call to say good morning at quarter of. You'll learn when your break is and call then. But if you have a schedule, then you won't worry about missing him because you'll know when you need to be home and when you don't. Plus if you have a job you can get a cell phone and talk on that if you're at the store when it's time to talk.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 5:51:21 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		texting can work wonders in these situations.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 9:33:10 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Crouching his plan don't allow texting, but he wants one that does.

Celest he calls me  while he's driving to a delivery sometimes which is nice:) Unless I am super lonly I don't need a lot during his work hours 20 mins is usualy enough to tide me over.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 9:53:00 AM   
desertdancer


Posts: 1095
Joined: 5/12/2006
Status: offline 		I was looong distance for years with my Husband, he was all the way around the world.  My day time was his night time and there were days I'd work all day, then stay up all night then head off to work again without sleep just to get a little more time with him.

Being married now, and in the same house, let alone country I had huge separation issues, if I'm honest with myself I still have a few.  The thing is, it's more then we had distance, it's more then we had to fight time appart, it's just that he's yummy.  He's so damn yummy and smells so good, I just want to crawl inside him and nap there.

Sometimes, you just want to be near someone, we don't need to have issues to long to be near someone we love.  Someone who makes us smile, or light up, turn warm and soft and sweet.  I think it's best just to enjoy it, don't pick at things, let them rest and you to then can rest and just enjoy.

We all know I've posted before about missing my Master and separation issues, but what I've learned is just to let go and all the details and extra crap will slip away and I can just enjoy.

By all means take care of yourself, if your tired go to bed, sleep and dream of him and all the yummy things he makes you feel.  If your well rested, you'll enjoy your phone conversations all the more.

What I'm sleepily trying to say is let go of all the crap reasons "why", let go of all the extra details that get in the way, quiet the constant conversations and wonderings in your mind and just relax...relax into this time, enjoy the sweetness of his voice in your ear through the phone.  Enjoy looking forward to hearing the phone ring or that next email, relax and let go of the worries.

~dancer


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 12:19:28 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Yes, and if I am well rested I am less likely to be fussy or grumpy, which both of us enjoy tremendously. I do not like the negative feelings being cranky gives, all though he's very sweet when hecoo's and sweet talks and says who's my fussy baby, you are yes you are.

By all means take care of yourself, if your tired go to bed,

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 1:12:48 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

I am of the mind set if I go off and do anything with out him I am going to miss something, or I am somehow depriving myself of his attention...

One of the things we're trying to work on right now is that I will not be depriving myself of any of his time if I want to go to bed early...


Like work for instance, I want a part time job, but I know then I won't be avalible all the times he is, he says it';s ok and I say no it's not ok. I simply do not know how to not feel I am depriving myself of something if I am away from him...

I know it's not entirely healthy to be so "attached at the hip" I just don't know how not to be anxious about being availible when and if he is, or feel like I am some how depriving myself if I want to be away from him....


Hello,
In each of the four "chunks" of your post that i quoted above, you use the same phrase: "depriving myself."  Perhaps changing the focus from yourself would help.  i can relate to what you are saying about not wanting to miss any time with him especially since you do not live together and your time is limited.  However, if you refuse to have any other interests in your life at all, that's going to make you a lesser person than if you did.  i don't know your master but, if he's anything like mine, i'm sure he wants you to be a well-rounded, happy, fulfilled slave.  If all you do is sit around waiting on the times you can be with him, basically you are squandering your resources.  Or, should i say, squandering HIS resources since he owns you?  A part-time job, some other interests, time spent with friends and family - all those things enhance who you are and improve you (hopefully).  Instead of focusing on what you MIGHT miss, focus on what you CAN do to make yourself the best slave you can be for him.  Also, one other comment:  When you mentioned getting a part time job, you said "he says it's ok and i say "no," it's not ok."  If he says it's ok and he's "master," shouldn't you accept that it's "ok?"      Don't be afraid to live your life.  It sounds like your master is all for you doing so and, if you go out and do some other things, he'll be there when you return.  
 
PS:  i work full-time and do lots of other things.  So that i don't miss any of Master's calls, He got me a cell phone.  Perhaps this is an option.  Carry it with you while doing these other things and that way you can be active and still not miss any calls from him (except while at work, of course, but he can leave voice mails you can hear on your breaks/lunch)  .........good luck, slave luci

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 3:03:52 PM   
Suleiman


Posts: 1127
Joined: 9/9/2004
Status: offline 		I've suffer from a fair amount of separation anxiety, and it's made me do some wacky things over the years. Mostly, all I can tell you is that, as the relationship progresses and you become reassured that, yes, he WILL still be there tomorrow, you'll relax and not be quite so clingy. Until then, take it slow and see if you can't wean yourself off of the need to be with him or available to him all the time. When you start to worry about being near the phone, take a deep breath and let it out slowly, reminding yourself that he's still there, and you will get to have time with him, but you need to be doing something else right now. Mostly, I find, if I just stop myself and take a minute to untangle my thoughts, the anxiety goes away. It's one of the reasons I love Email - I don't have to answer a comment right away; I can walk away, have a cup of coffee, and think about my reply. I can get awfully tongue-tied in person.

Mostly, just take it slow and do what needs to be done right now. Go to bed when you're tired, wait for the phone to ring when it's time for the phone to ring, do your laundry, watch television, go to work, visit with friends - whatever needs to be done NOW, and remember that the future can sort itself out.

_____________________________

Think of my verbosity as a sort of litmus test for our relationship. I write in a manner identical to how I speak and how I think. If you can not cope with what I have written here, it is probably for the best if we go our separate ways.

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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/19/2007 4:18:15 PM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		Those are good points slaveluci.

James would enjoy knowing I was amusing myself and enjoying myself, he don't like me being unwilling to leave the house and to enjoymyself outside our calls. He's told me he willbe here when I am ready to stop running about and stop playing outside, so to speak he'll be right there for me to toddle on back to!

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


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RE: If you are attached at the hip so to speak, to your... - 3/20/2007 9:03:47 AM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FelinePersuasion

Those are good points slaveluci.

James would enjoy knowing I was amusing myself and enjoying myself, he don't like me being unwilling to leave the house and to enjoymyself outside our calls. He's told me he willbe here when I am ready to stop running about and stop playing outside, so to speak he'll be right there for me to toddle on back to!


See?  There ya go.  If you know he would enjoy you doing so, then by all means, do so!  Good luck.......slave luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

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