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How we do it - 3/9/2007 10:22:41 AM

LotusSong

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I was watching a program on relationships this morning. The host brought out a woman who had been married 32 years. While he gave stats on the divorce rate, he stated how 30+ year marriages are a rarity. It seems people get married with the assumption that it will end in divorce. When I got married.. divorce was not considered an option. It is a partnership..much like a business two people form to make their life work. After all the years..no.. sex is not hot and heavy :) But you have INTIMACY. Even if you aren't talking, you're communicating.

Kids.. the party doesn't end.. it evolves. To think you are going to be wearing leathers and kneeling gracefully in your 80's isn't real realistic :) Eventually, you will want the certainty of exclusivity.

I know I can't be the ONLY one on here that has been married 30+ years to the same person. So those of us who have.. tell the young'uns how you make it work. How we survive arguments and those dry spells..

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

Post #: 1

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 11:58:24 AM

Termyn8or

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It's because people have changed. My family has had a 50 year wedding anniversery every generation since coming to this country, and I suspect the last one was the last.

That means I might be the last generation to go see Grandma AND Grampa at the same house. Looking around at what passes off as a family these days I have learned to cherish those memories. Like Chris Rock said "If Grandmama is Mama and Mama is Pam, you ain't saving college money, you are saving bail money".

Nice to hear that some people still do stick it out. Kink notwithstanding, I mean the idea of marriage.

I think part of the problem is the lack of obstacles. In the past people had to work together to survive, and as a result grew up fast, intellectually and emotionally. Nowadays I think the average age that people are ready, that is willing and cognizant of what a LIFETIME commitment means, occurs around age 45.

That is because life's hurdles generally do not include finding enough food, it's more like whether to pay the cable or phone bill late. People have become materialistic, and that costs alot of precious developmental time, time when children should have been interacting and therefore learning from their elders. Now they get a nintendo and in a few months you start to forget their names.

Most people (probably excepting many in this forum) at marrying age, which to me should be 20-25, have the mentality of a child. I don't care if they can solve a Rubik's cube, build a house or design a spaceship, those are not signs of maturity. It took me about 40 years to figure it out.

Generally at what I consider to be primetime to get married, people have no empathy for their partners, or the human race in general. Materialism eats them from the inside, and a Wife might be a status symbol or a possesion, not a partner.

This might be hard for some to understand. Lotus, I really do think that you understand this but I am going to iterate it for others. Speaking generally.

People today please their partner because they are selfish. They please their partner to induce them to return the favor. This is like putting gas in your car, you do it because you know if you don't the car will stop serving your needs.

The difference between that and a real relationship is that in a real relationship you please your partner because it is your desire for them to be pleased. Nothing more.

I'm sure there are some scratching their head going "Huh?" about now. This is a hard concept to explain.

Perhaps one way to put it is that true love is very rare these days.

If someone can word it better, please do. Those who know what I am talking about might lend a hand by rephrasing it.

Best of luck, and if "till death do us part" means anything, I hope that time comes in the very distant future. You have something enjoyed (and understood) by very few people these days.

T

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 2

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 12:57:29 PM

sambamanslilgirl

Posts: 10926
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From: Chicago, IL
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my parents had a 30 yr plus marriage which unfortunately ended in divorce however i agree with you, having a marriage for that long is truly becoming a thing of the past. i had aspirations of having a marriage like that with my ex but it didn't turn out that way. if i do ever re-marry one day, it will be 'til death' does one of us part.

_____________________________

...2011 - year of the fabulous rock star life ...and i do it so well...

...announcing Mr. & Mrs. British Petrol ...yeah, marrying into oil is slick business...

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 3

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 6:23:57 PM

proudsub

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quote:

I know I can't be the ONLY one on here that has been married 30+ years to the same person. So those of us who have.. tell the young'uns how you make it work. How we survive arguments and those dry spells..

38 years here. We've had some rough spots but always manage to get through them. Forgiveness goes a long ways.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 4

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 7:12:42 PM

juliaoceania

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From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
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My mom buried two men, both relationships were over 20 years and were until death parted them.

I have not been so lucky. If I got married today I might get 30 years of marriage out of it. I do not marry a lot of people, I have only been married once. I have been single for about 16 years.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 5

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 7:42:00 PM

WyrdRich

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Joined: 1/3/2005
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'Til death do us part is the goal, but a friend keeps telling me that divorce lawyers are cheaper than defense lawyers if it all goes to Hell.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 6

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 7:50:42 PM

MsPoetress

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Joined: 4/4/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyrdRich

'Til death do us part is the goal, but a friend keeps telling me that divorce lawyers are cheaper than defense lawyers if it all goes to Hell.

Is this the same friend that says he'll loan you his back hoe?

~poe

_____________________________

~poe

I'm mad, you're mad, we're all mad here, it's the fad for many a year, if you think we're crazy my dear, you're right cause I'M mad, YOU'RE mad, we're ALL mad here! - Mad Hatter

(in reply to WyrdRich)

Post #: 7

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 7:54:09 PM

WyrdRich

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Joined: 1/3/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsPoetress

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyrdRich

'Til death do us part is the goal, but a friend keeps telling me that divorce lawyers are cheaper than defense lawyers if it all goes to Hell.

Is this the same friend that says he'll loan you his back hoe?

~poe

Nope. He likes you. It's the one who called the wedding a "funeral for two."

(in reply to MsPoetress)

Post #: 8

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 8:05:05 PM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I was watching a program on relationships this morning. The host brought out a woman who had been married 32 years. While he gave stats on the divorce rate, he stated how 30+ year marriages are a rarity. It seems people get married with the assumption that it will end in divorce. When I got married.. divorce was not considered an option. It is a partnership..much like a business two people form to make their life work. After all the years..no.. sex is not hot and heavy :) But you have INTIMACY. Even if you aren't talking, you're communicating.

Kids.. the party doesn't end.. it evolves. To think you are going to be wearing leathers and kneeling gracefully in your 80's isn't real realistic :) Eventually, you will want the certainty of exclusivity.

I know I can't be the ONLY one on here that has been married 30+ years to the same person. So those of us who have.. tell the young'uns how you make it work. How we survive arguments and those dry spells..

Explain what you mean please, by the part I bolded.

My mother's 51 year marriage ended when my Dad died. But when I left my husband of nearly 20 years, she told me "You have balls, girl." Long lasting marriages do not automatically mean happy ones. I did not enter my marriage thinking I would leave if it didnt work out. Anyone who knew my principles, values and spiritual beliefs knew that about me. But a person can only take abuse for so long. When eyes open to it, it's time to go and save yourself.

Three years into my slavery to my Master, I can see no other life for me. Why would I want to change (it's a rhetorical question)?

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 9

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 9:07:31 PM

Termyn8or

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Joined: 11/12/2005
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We must be one hell of a species if we can't even stand each others' company.

T

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 10

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 10:34:08 PM

subfever

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Excellent post, T.

Edited to add: Referring to T's 1st post.

< Message edited by subfever -- 3/9/2007 10:36:00 PM >

(in reply to Termyn8or)

Post #: 11

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 11:04:59 PM

FelinePersuasion

Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline

My parents have been married 41 years Course they're not on the site, but it does happen that people stay married forever, how oddly it is nowdays..

quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I know I can't be the ONLY one on here that has been married 30+ years to the same person.

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 12

RE: How we do it - 3/9/2007 11:44:54 PM

shynewboy

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Joined: 2/7/2005
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I think a lot of people my age aren't really well informed that marrige is a lot of hard work. (Not that I have any first hand experiance, BTW) I also think a lot of people get married too young, which is of course subjective. Also, I tend to wonder how many marriges last because of social stigmata vs Twue Wove.

(in reply to FelinePersuasion)

Post #: 13

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 1:11:20 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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quote:

ORIGINAL: shynewboy

I think a lot of people my age aren't really well informed that marrige is a lot of hard work. (Not that I have any first hand experiance, BTW) I also think a lot of people get married too young, which is of course subjective. Also, I tend to wonder how many marriges last because of social stigmata vs Twue Wove.

This is what I see happening:

The advent of "free love"(our generation's fault) took hold to where it now is the primary element in dating and relationships. The art of conversation and getting to know a person is replaced by speed dating.

You got what you wanted guys, easy sex.No more hunting or courting and the women have learned to do without you in the other venues. It's not the women who are sex objects.. it's you.

To me this caused a loss of true intimacy, the type where you find something you like about the person above the waist.

I see children are now the new pet. If the young mother gets tired..Grandma will take care of it. Gee.. how fair is that....

When all the consequences of your youthful adventures will hit you is when you look in the mirror and see you aren't as young as you once were. Women get a bit insecure around 50... men never think THEY age until the day a sweet young thing calls them "sir".and it has nothing to do with domination.

No, Marriage isn't easy.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to shynewboy)

Post #: 14

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 3:33:34 PM

seeksfemslave

Posts: 4011
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

Nice post LS.
I have no answers but I fervently believe that the self indulgent climate of opinion that obtains today, projected by "do it if it feels good" Liberals is a major part of the problem.

Yes I know I'm an old wanker but things have gone badly badly wrong.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 15

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 6:13:46 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
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Seems are conservatives on the hill are no better. No, it's not a political situation, it's a cultural evolution.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to seeksfemslave)

Post #: 16

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 6:49:59 PM

Sinergy

Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WyrdRich

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsPoetress

quote:

ORIGINAL: WyrdRich

'Til death do us part is the goal, but a friend keeps telling me that divorce lawyers are cheaper than defense lawyers if it all goes to Hell.

Is this the same friend that says he'll loan you his back hoe?

~poe

Nope. He likes you. It's the one who called the wedding a "funeral for two."

I think it was Oscar Wilde who said marraige consisted of "Two prison guards, Two prisoners, making in all, two."

Although Mike Myers did point out that marraige is punishment for shoplifting in some states.

Sinergy

p.s. My first marraige lasted almost 18 years. My second made 4, but she stopped being interested in having a relationship several months into the marraige. I dont understand it, but there are many things I do not understand.

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to WyrdRich)

Post #: 17

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 6:50:23 PM

xmillicentx

Posts: 4
Joined: 2/27/2005
Status: offline

Honestly, even being young, I've never viewed marriage as any less then a lifetime. That being said, there are some perfectly excellent reasons for divorce, though in my opinion a lot of those couples should have bided their time a bit more and probibly not gotten married.
The big problem is that divorce is seen as an easy out when something isn't working, screw communication.
I look forword to finding someone to grow old with, but I'm not just settling for just anyone- perfection and strong bonds are the key. No matter how much work it takes to get there, it's the getting there that makes it worthwhile.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 18

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 7:02:54 PM

sub4hire

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How have you done it Lotus? Doug and I have been together 8 year's so far but that is far from the thirty you speak of.
We have had good times and bad. Worked it out so far...and hopefully we can continue the next 22.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 19

RE: How we do it - 3/11/2007 7:11:16 PM

GeekyGirl

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Joined: 8/21/2006
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I'm going to agree with the idea that people simply aren't ready for marriage at a young age anymore.

I was married just before I turned 19 and divorced right before I turned 20. I just wasn't ready.

My grandmother was married at 15 and had her first baby a year later...she grew up quick and she became mature and responsible.

Here I am 24yrs old, still living in a house mommy and daddy pay for (including utilities). I can't imagine being married or having a houseful of kids to take care of. Hell, I can't even take care of MYSELF. Yes, I'm intelligent and educated. But I am not mature or responsible.

I have no intention of getting married anytime soon. I just don't think I'm ready for that responsibility. I may be in my 30's before I'm "grown enough" to do that again. That's ok with me, but it sure does cut down on my likelihood for a 30 yr marriage.

_____________________________

"It's nothing that I understand, but when in your arms you have complete power over me. So be gentle if you please, 'cause your hands are in my hair, but my heart is in your teeth and it makes me want to make you near me always."

(in reply to sub4hire)

Post #: 20

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