Embarassment from people finding out?

Embarassment from people finding out? (Full Version)

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JLION -> Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 10:51:23 AM)
Has anyone ever experienced any kind of embarassment or awkward situations from someone finding out about their BDSM interest? For me nothing serious has happened except for a time a few friends and I were going to go to a bar and I had to look something up, and I had some BSDM websites up.My friends all know I have kind of a kinky side anyway, and they didn't really think anything of it.

thetammyjo -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 10:57:42 AM)
I'm not saying this is the best universal way to live, but it is my best way to live. I do not do things in my life that I am ashamed of doing thus the idea of being embarassed by someone finding out is foreign to me. To get to this point I had to do a lot of self-growth and a lot of serious questions about what I liked and whether it was healthy for me. When I realize and accepted that what I like and what I do is motivated by positive things and help me become more fully myself, any sense of shame or fear left me. I recently mentioned this to my mother when she said one of her grandsons had come to confess something he was ashamed of doing. She may not agree with all the choices I've made but she sees how positive of an affect on my life they have and that helped her agree with me that my nephew would probably be a happier man if he tried things my way, merely not do things that he feels shame about to begin with. Anyway, enough preaching. Were you embarassed JLION? Why? What exactly was embarassing? Do you want to make changes in your life to help lessen any potential embarassment? How do you want to do that? By hiding or by embracing your interests more fully and more openly?

SusanofO -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 10:59:08 AM)
My one vanilla friend who knows I am into this stuff at first worried for my safety, but because we are good friends, she has tried to retain an open mind, and even asked me questions about it, and has asked for site references on bdsm to "enlarge her view". When she and I first discussed it (we were having lunch and talking about "how we like it" with a guy, which we rarely do, but did that time) and she was a little bit shocked. But, she also has a history of sexual abuse she has never received any counsellling for, and I partly chalked her reaction up to that, not just that we were discussing bdsm. I just let her know I liked "variety in the bedroom" when we first discussed it, and that seemed to make it seem less threatening, somehow. I did discuss some things, but in a pretty vague way. She thawed pretty quickly after that, and now it's no big deal to her, and, as I mentioned, she is even kind of interested in it herself (so far not in real-life,w/ a partner, but that might change, someday). I don't care, either way, I am not out to "convert" anyone. I wouldn't open up to my ladies' garden club (and I do attend one, for real, in the Summer) - they just would not understand. At all. Also, my immediate family (mostly my father) would probably have problems with it, and I wouldn't want him questioning things like "how good a dad" he was, or "blaming himself" if he thought it was just too weird, so I have never (and probably will never) bring it up to him. If I got "outed" at a job or something, I'd be really ticked off. I think it's private what people do on their own time, away from work. I am not ashamed, but I do know there are certain folks in my life I'd have a real hard time explaining this stuff to, as well as "why" I do it - and it would put us both in an awkward position, so I am careful to whom I reveal my bdsm involvement. That might not be thought of as "fair" by some, but, it's my reality. But - am I embarrassed or ashamed, simply because I am "inclined" in this direction? No. I think bdsm is just part of the spectrum of human sexual behavior, period. It doesn't make me hate myself, or anything like that, at all. **The biggest thing I have a problem with, I guess, is why some folks seem to think that someone's sexual behavior is anyone else's business (from the "vanilla" side, or the "kinky" side of the fence). I just think it's not everyday conversation unless someone is already relatively close with me, and are a friend. Even then, it's just not a topic that comes up very often, at least for me. It's most of the time just not relevant to me, as far as evaluating someone's "value" as a person, and other things count far more (to me). - Susan

JLION -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:04:03 AM)
I felt slightly embarassed, but it was not a big deal. Just kind of like it is slightly embarassing if someone walks in on you while you're having sex. I definitely do not volunteer this information about myself to anyone, but if anyone asks me I would not lie. I am content with this way of handling it, but I'm just curious to know if anyone has any interesting stories.

ArgoGeorgia -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:04:45 AM)
I personally don't feel the embarassment comes from being ashamed of what we do, but rather the lack of open-mindedness from those around us. Unfortunately, humans can be fairly critical of anything they perceive as different or out of the norm. The only time I was slightly embarassed is when I let my buddy and his wife use my computer and they found my links to alt.com and a couple of interesting yahoo groups. He just laughed and said he already knew I was a perv. Luckily, they are much more open minded than the general population!!!

grlneedstolearn -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:07:13 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JLION Has anyone ever experienced any kind of embarassment or awkward situations from someone finding out about their BDSM interest? For me nothing serious has happened except for a time a few friends and I were going to go to a bar and I had to look something up, and I had some BSDM websites up.My friends all know I have kind of a kinky side anyway, and they didn't really think anything of it. Yep, been there done that a couple times (both on accident of course). One of my best friends was taking a tour of my place, and I accidently forgot that she was coming over and she found a few of my toys. i told her that they were gag gifts for someone who was having a party. Luckily for me she didn't question that any further. [:D]

ArgoGeorgia -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:10:54 AM)
Of course, I always have the fantasy that one of my gorgeous coworkers finds out and then asks me to lunch one day to 'confront' me about it. And then admit she is into it as well.... Now THAT would be worth the embarassment!

onestandingstill -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:13:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ArgoGeorgia I personally don't feel the embarrassment comes from being ashamed of what we do, but rather the lack of open-mindedness from those around us. Unfortunately, humans can be fairly critical of anything they perceive as different or out of the norm. Funny you've had that experience. I personally have not had anyone behave closed minded about my discussion of my choice to participate in S&M. Instead they've either said "I don't get it, but if you like it I'm glad you have it bringing you joy" and I've had ones who earnestly questioned what they thought before and now understand it's not mental illness or abusive and respect it is my option, and even others who dabbled in trying it on for size in their own lives. I've not had one closed minded response in the two years I've lived wide open about the notion I'm a BDSM submissive. Hell even my boss who's a frigid prude worse than a Catholic Grandma knows and all he did was roll his eyes. I have not had your experience with telling people at all. suzanne

onestandingstill -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:16:01 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ArgoGeorgia Of course, I always have the fantasy that one of my gorgeous coworkers finds out and then asks me to lunch one day to 'confront' me about it. And then admit she is into it as well.... Now THAT would be worth the embarassment! LOL last February 2006 one of my clients who just happened to be the Playgirl centerfold in the April 2006 edition found me in alt, contacted me and was shocked and excited to find out I'm into kink. Of course he's a 26yr old little hottie so dating seriously was out of the question, but we sure soaked the sheets a few times before he moved to Florida. I've been extremely lucky to live out almost your fantasy. suzanne

gypsygrl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:16:49 AM)
thetammyjo: Embarassment and shame are generally considered to be functions of feeling transparant or exposed, and are different from guilt. I think the spirit of your reply is confusing understandable embarassment vis a vis having one's private live inadvertantly put on display with the feeling that kink is wrong which would lead to guilt feelings. When I got pregant the first time after 5 years of being in a stable marriage and living a perfectly normal life, I was totally embarassed whenever the subject came up because being pregnant was a very public announcement that me and my ex were sexually active. I wasn't guilty nor did I feel it was wrong to have sex or get pregant. I was embarrassed. Once, I indirectly outed myself as kinky at an academic discussion group where Foucault's History of Sexuality was on the table. I was making a point about the intellectual substance of Foucault's work but, in doing so, an astute listener could probably infer some details about my sexual orientation. At the time, I was absorbed in the point I was making, and it didn't bother me but afterwards, I was really embarrassed. The embarrassment doesn't stem from the fact that I'm uncomfortable with my choices in pursuing my own private idaho, but but from the fact that I had inadvertantly disclosed personal information. Another time, I found out someone who works with my son is a submissive. We both outed ourselves by accident--something came up and we both knew too much about it--and it doesn't bother me in principle, but for a week or two I felt really shy when she was around. Since then, we've talked about stuff, and everythings cool, but my first reaction was to be embarrassed. To the op: yes, I've felt embarrassed. I don't know if its something I'll get over. Nor do I know if I need to. I just try to go with the feeling. :)

freakgoddess -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:18:14 AM)
it would be nice if the worst thing one could experience from exposure would be embarrassment.

ArgoGeorgia -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:21:49 AM)
You bring up a very valid point here. Maybe in fact it is my perception and fear of how others will react rather than the reality of it. I do live in the south, and folks tend to be a bit more conservative down here, but maybe not. It could very well be my own perceptions causing the embarassment. And, truth be known, I've never actually experienced the close-mindedness I described, so maybe it all is in my head. At least that is what the voices keep telling me.

StellaByStarlite -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:38:59 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: JLION Has anyone ever experienced any kind of embarassment or awkward situations from someone finding out about their BDSM interest? For me nothing serious has happened except for a time a few friends and I were going to go to a bar and I had to look something up, and I had some BSDM websites up.My friends all know I have kind of a kinky side anyway, and they didn't really think anything of it. Hello. =) Jlion, god yes. My mother stopped over for a surprise visit one time and found our slapper on the back of the couch from the night before. I mean, I'm not ashamed of what my owner and I do, but c'mon... it's my mom. =) We tend to be a little less open then most because my husband is an LSW who works with damaged children. He would very likely lose his license if our relationship became public knowledge. As far as my friends go.. none of my galpals are into discussing sex in detail at all. They'll make a naughty little comment once in awhile, that's about it. It's a little amusing, considering that if I was really open about some of my kink they'd run screaming. I wouldn't feel embarassesed if they found out, but I don't want to upset them, either. So it just doesn't come up in conversation. Cheers Stella

ownedgirlie -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:51:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: freakgoddess it would be nice if the worst thing one could experience from exposure would be embarrassment. Indeed. I lost a job over being exposed. I prefer to keep my private life private. This has nothing to do with shame and everything to do with the fact that it's no one's business how I live unless I choose to make it their business. My family & I do not make a habit of freely discussing how we have sex with our partners. Why would I put this on them now? Further, I have enough stressers going on in my life now and I am disinclined to burden myself with the energy it will take to explain myself to those who simply do not understand. I have friends who try to understand but simply can not, and their comments at times - said innocently and with the best of intentions - can be draining. Gypsygrl you made a very good point that feeling guilty or ashamed for what we do has nothing to do with the OP and nothing to do with the reasons many do not wish to be exposed. Sometimes the push for all of us to out ourselves is also draining. Some of us are just private by nature. Can others not respect that?

StellaByStarlite -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:55:55 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: freakgoddess it would be nice if the worst thing one could experience from exposure would be embarrassment. Indeed. I lost a job over being exposed. I prefer to keep my private life private. This has nothing to do with shame and everything to do with the fact that it's no one's business how I live unless I choose to make it their business. My family & I do not make a habit of freely discussing how we have sex with our partners. Why would I put this on them now? Further, I have enough stressers going on in my life now and I am disinclined to burden myself with the energy it will take to explain myself to those who simply do not understand. I have friends who try to understand but simply can not, and their comments at times - said innocently and with the best of intentions - can be draining. Gypsygrl you made a very good point that feeling guilty or ashamed for what we do has nothing to do with the OP and nothing to do with the reasons many do not wish to be exposed. Sometimes the push for all of us to out ourselves is also draining. Some of us are just private by nature. Can others not respect that? Amen to that, sista. You deserve a nap. ;)

ownedgirlie -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:57:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite Amen to that, sista. You deserve a nap. ;) Ohhhh a nap!!! If only....LOL (but thanks for remembering!!)

peterK50 -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 11:59:19 AM)
The embarssment is usually theirs about something they don't understand. It's also about their mistake of equating submissive with a timid doormat, which I am not. A "Dom" in a bar once slapped my face after being told I was a submissive, he said "Does that turn you on?". I told him No, after he regained consciousness.

swtrayn -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 12:06:18 PM)
I have to admit there has been a few times that people knowing or finding out is alittle embrassing, I think it is more on how the let me know they know. Like once in my past I use to work with one my Master's.. And My boss said to me, "You may have to listen to him at home, but here you listen to me" That kinda of took me off guard and made me laugh. So, I suppose it was alittle embrassing. There are people in my life that know, even some family members, and others who do not. I am not ashamed of what and who I am, (not saying anyone here is of course) but I figure it isn't everyone's business what I do or how I live my private life. Just my two cents rayn

vield -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 12:15:44 PM)
I have made a serious effort to eliminate things like jealousy and guilt from my life,because I find both to be corrosive and negative for me. That took work as I am a recovering catholic, lol. Been into so many situations that this sort of thing has happened to myself and to friends a number of times. I have seen people lose jobs and families through being outed, whether accidentally or on purpose. I am not worried about this for me, but since straight friends and family have NOT consented to share the gory details of my intimate life, I do make an effort to not expose them to it. But if you are snooping in the dresser drawer and find the toys, oh well you asked for it. I did have a sub who was surprised when her boss showed up at a BD/SM discussion group meeting. He is sub too, so no endangerment took place. A dear Domme friend got outed by her husband in divorce court in an attempt to get child custody. It backfired, judge told him what the lady does in her bedroom is nobody else's business, but that hubby showed himself to be a sleaseball. She got full custody.

thetammyjo -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:37:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ArgoGeorgia I personally don't feel the embarassment comes from being ashamed of what we do, but rather the lack of open-mindedness from those around us. Unfortunately, humans can be fairly critical of anything they perceive as different or out of the norm. The only time I was slightly embarassed is when I let my buddy and his wife use my computer and they found my links to alt.com and a couple of interesting yahoo groups. He just laughed and said he already knew I was a perv. Luckily, they are much more open minded than the general population!!! Can you explain further? Why would that embarass you? Did you feel worried about their feelings? Were you worried about their impression of you? I'm not a person who believes in shoving any part of our sexuality or private life into another person face. However, when folks ask me or "find out" I never feel embarassed and I don't know why I would? I feel embarassed by things that make me like silly or foolish or incompentant -- I don't think BDSM or Ds does that for me. I feel ashamed that I allowed something to happen that showed me in a negative light. I don't think BDSM is a negative light; I feel sorry for people who feel it is. So what fuels feelings of embarassment if not shame?

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