RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (Full Version)

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GeekyGirl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:40:48 PM)

I'm not embarrassed at all. A coworker found a personal ad of mine that talked about my kink and included provocative pics of me.

All 150 of my coworkers saw that ad before it was over and I just laughed and smiled and said, "Yeah, ya'll knew I was a freak, don't act like you didn't know!"

And now they all come to me for sex advice, even the old church ladies, which I find amusing as hell!  This one woman I work with, about 50yrs old and a very devout christian comes to me in private one day...leans in close, and asks very quietly..."have you ever let a man...ya know..put it in your booty?" I couldn't even answer her...I was too busy laughing at the look on her face like she asked some huge horrible secret!

It was great :)



thetammyjo -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:41:37 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

thetammyjo: Embarassment and shame are generally considered to be functions of feeling transparant or exposed, and are different from guilt. I think the spirit of your reply is confusing understandable embarassment vis a vis having one's private live inadvertantly put on display with the feeling that kink is wrong which would lead to guilt feelings.

When I got pregant the first time after 5 years of being in a stable marriage and living a perfectly normal life, I was totally embarassed whenever the subject came up because being pregnant was a very public announcement that me and my ex were sexually active. I wasn't guilty nor did I feel it was wrong to have sex or get pregant. I was embarrassed.

Once, I indirectly outed myself as kinky at an academic discussion group where Foucault's History of Sexuality was on the table. I was making a point about the intellectual substance of Foucault's work but, in doing so, an astute listener could probably infer some details about my sexual orientation. At the time, I was absorbed in the point I was making, and it didn't bother me but afterwards, I was really embarrassed. The embarrassment doesn't stem from the fact that I'm uncomfortable with my choices in pursuing my own private idaho, but but from the fact that I had inadvertantly disclosed personal information.

Another time, I found out someone who works with my son is a submissive. We both outed ourselves by accident--something came up and we both knew too much about it--and it doesn't bother me in principle, but for a week or two I felt really shy when she was around. Since then, we've talked about stuff, and everythings cool, but my first reaction was to be embarrassed.

To the op: yes, I've felt embarrassed. I don't know if its something I'll get over. Nor do I know if I need to. I just try to go with the feeling. :)


So your feeling of embarassment wasn't related really to the BDSM but to revealing personal information you didn't want to reveal in those venues?

Was it more of a "how could I be that stupid to let that slip?" sort of feeling?

I'm trying to understand what fuels these embarassment feelings for other people.



StellaByStarlite -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:42:03 PM)

Hello. =)

Tammyjo, I can't speak for Argo, but, yeah.. I do tend to get a little squirmy when it comes to my mother knowing about my sex life. I don't think that's abnormal. =)

It happened to be a slapper she discovered, but I would have been just as embarassed if it had been a big honkin' dildo. Why? Because she's my mother!


Cheers,
Stella



GeekyGirl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:49:54 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite

Hello. =)

Tammyjo, I can't speak for Argo, but, yeah.. I do tend to get a little squirmy when it comes to my mother knowing about my sex life. I don't think that's abnormal. =)

It happened to be a slapper she discovered, but I would have been just as embarassed if it had been a big honkin' dildo. Why? Because she's my mother!


Cheers,
Stella


I'm lucky...between working in law enforcement and owning horses, I'm free to leave out handcuffs, leg irons, quirts, slappers and crops!  It's great :P You just need to find an excuse to explain your more, um , interesting items.

The only time I was really embarrassed was when my ferret filched my anal beads out of the drawer and deposited them in the lap of a very sexually repressed friend of mine...and even that was more funny than embarrassing!



thetammyjo -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:49:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: StellaByStarlite

Hello. =)

Tammyjo, I can't speak for Argo, but, yeah.. I do tend to get a little squirmy when it comes to my mother knowing about my sex life. I don't think that's abnormal. =)

It happened to be a slapper she discovered, but I would have been just as embarassed if it had been a big honkin' dildo. Why? Because she's my mother!


Cheers,
Stella


I'm not trying to say that it is abnormal to feel embarassed or even to feel afraid or ashamed or confused or wanting privacy. I think those are are very normal, at least in the society I live in.

I just really don't feel embarassed any more when when my sexuality is "discovered" so I'm trying to understand why others do. I'm sure I used to feel that way but I can't say when that changed for me only that I am personally glad that it did.

I agree with vield that if someone wants to poke around in my life and they don't like something they've found or it embarasses them, they should have kept out of my business. If any emotion is brought up in me it would be annoyance or angry, maybe amusement as GeekyGirl related.



Celeste43 -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:53:02 PM)

I see no reason to push the intimate details of my sex life on anyone else. There is such a thing as TMI. I have never gone up to a friend and asked if she gave her husband a blow job last night. I never would.

As far as the dynamic, we're not into rituals or protocols. We treat each other with respect. What has happened is that people look at us and say they would have assumed we had been married for 30 years judging by the lack of argument or tension in the relationship. Instead we've only been together for 3 years.



OnyxGoddess -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:53:35 PM)

 I am concerned due to the fact that I work around young ones.  In NO form whatsoever does any of it follow me to work or is it even thought of  while I am at work but I worry if people were to find out what it would do to my profession.  If they saw me in the store would they react differently?  What would other people that work around me say?  To what degree does my employer have the right to know what I do on MY TIME in MY HOME?  Some say they have no right to tell me what to do on my time however many have been fired from thier jobs when they were outted.  Other than that I am cool as a cucumber with my choice. (LOL)



GeekyGirl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:56:42 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I have never gone up to a friend and asked if she gave her husband a blow job last night. I never would.



*laughs* That's almost the ONLY thing me and my good friends talk about! Course my friends are mostly gay males and they seem to be a bit more open to discussing the subject!

Most of the hetero females I hang out with at work like to talk about it too..though they all say I'm "crazy" and will "do anything." By their definition if you like anal or swallow after a blow job, you're a real kinky chick! You should have seen the look on their face when I told them about puppy play...Priceless!



thetammyjo -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 1:57:43 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

I see no reason to push the intimate details of my sex life on anyone else. There is such a thing as TMI. I have never gone up to a friend and asked if she gave her husband a blow job last night. I never would.


Exactly.

But others are not this considerate and they might ask questions or dig around in drawers or look at your computer -- some folks are rude after all. That's what happened to the OP.

Is the message somehow being communicated that I'm saying any of us should shove our private lives into other people's faces? I'm confused.



SleepyBeast -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 2:27:56 PM)

I have never really been embarassed by things like that. I don't go around telling everyone what I am into, but I don't care if they know either.



CreativeDominant -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 2:29:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: freakgoddess

it would be nice if the worst thing one could experience from exposure would be embarrassment.


Exactly...My professional life suffered as a result of my exposure.  Of course, one could say that the exposure...my ex outing my D/s BDSM proclivities during the period right after we split when she was at her angriest...was not the best way for it to have occurred but I've always known that even if the exposure had been something that occurred in a fairly "normal" manner, it would have made my professional life difficult. 

It has taken several years and there is still some fallout but the effect lessens more and more with time. 



RumpusParable -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 2:36:09 PM)

I really don't have any embarrassment over it...  When it comes up in discussion, I discuss it, same as with most anything in my life. 

Honestly, I feel more discomfort over people seeing I have a couple Justin Timberlake songs on my harddrive than knowing my interest in bdsm.  The former feels much more....unclean...



mistressofpayne -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 2:41:11 PM)

I tell the truth and everyone thinks im joking - i don't find it in the least bit embarassing!



ArgoGeorgia -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 2:42:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

Can you explain further?

Why would that embarass you?

Did you feel worried about their feelings?

Were you worried about their impression of you?

I'm not a person who believes in shoving any part of our sexuality or private life into another person face. However, when folks ask me or "find out" I never feel embarassed and I don't know why I would?

I feel embarassed by things that make me like silly or foolish or incompentant -- I don't think BDSM or Ds does that for me. I feel ashamed that I allowed something to happen that showed me in a negative light. I don't think BDSM is a negative light; I feel sorry for people who feel it is.

So what fuels feelings of embarassment if not shame?


I guess for me this side of me has always been a very 'private' affair.  Why that is, I couldn't tell you for sure.  And like you would feel ashamed at allowing something to show you in a negative light, I would be worried that they would not understand and that would cast me in a negative light.  Even though it shouldn't and it would be their problem.  But, since I value their friendship, I would worry about doing something to jeopardize it.  Which, I know, is stupid, because if they are true friends, they won't care.  Which, they didn't. 

So, again, I may be seeing as how this is my own negative perceptions that I am placing on others.  Bad Argo, bad![sm=whap.gif]



GeekyGirl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 3:12:44 PM)

quote:

I would be worried that they would not understand and that would cast me in a negative light.  Even though it shouldn't and it would be their problem. 


I think this has never been an issue because so many other things I believe/am involved is "cast me in a negative light" according to my peers. What's one more thing added to the mix? I live in rural, conservative texas...I take flak for many things including my religion, my child free status, my politics, my opinions on abortion and gay rights, the way I dress, etc. In light of all that, throwing in that I happen to be kinky doesn't make much difference in how people here view me. I'm pretty much achieved status as "the resident weirdo." I'm like a loveable mascot or something!



ArgoGeorgia -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 3:48:27 PM)

One of these days I hope to be the resident weirdo.  Or at least the dirty old man up on the hill.



gypsygrl -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 4:01:37 PM)

No, I don't think it had anything to do with bd/sm per se.  Or even the fact that I let the information slip.  It was just the fact that in letting the information slip, I brought attention to my sex life which is something I don't talk about directly with hardly anyone.  I usually only talk about intimate matters with the people I'm intimate with.  That I'm kinky is besides the point especially since most the people I bother with are pretty open minded.




littlesarbonn -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 5:05:33 PM)

I learned the hard way that not everyone is a fan of finding out about my lifestyle. You see, I had been lucky because a bunch of my female friends had discovered my past and were actually intrigued by it, so that they wanted to know more and it was seen as a very healthy lifestyle in this type of reaction. However, because of all of these positive experiences, I came out to my family, thinking that a family would understand more than anyone. Boy was I wrong. That was the biggest mistake I ever made, and it was one of the more negative experiences in my life. To this day, my sister and I are in a "let's just not talk about it and I can tolerate your presence in the same room as a result" standoff. So, not every revelation of one's personal life goes over well.



pissdoll -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 5:14:01 PM)

there is only one person who could find out about me that would cause embarassment and shame...and that is my father.

friends and "harmless" co-workers (those who don't have the power to fire you) can come and go.  my REAL friends don't really care what i'm into.  they care how i treat them.  i AM the "resident weirdo" of my group.  no one knows what i am into, they just think i am a "freak" (in the good freak way).  and it's not a big deal.  or they wouldn't be my friends.

but if my father were to get a mental picture of me being bent over, caned, penetrated, and pissed on....all while calling the man "Daddy," i KNOW he would feel horror and believe that he had done something terribly wrong in my life.  which would be awful.  because he is the most honest, caring, respectful person i have ever met.



hereyesruponyou -> RE: Embarassment from people finding out? (3/1/2007 5:28:55 PM)

I happened to really "discover myself" during what was already a mistake of a marriage a few years ago. Before that i knew what i liked but never had the words to describe it or context to really describe it. When i "came out" to my husband he was devastated. After a bit when we could talk more about it he admitted he thought pictures of "women tied up" were disgusting. It was a bit after that i realized he was too sub for me anyhow.  It contributed to helping me realize my mistake, but didn't really break up the marriage. And we're still close friends....

I do have a job that could be a problem if i were outted, but they all do think i am insane and one of the girls there has frequent "Slumber Parties" where they sell tame sex stuff and most of the female staff goes. So i think i could survive it professionally, it's more the small community thing that could easily take me out.

Then there's my unmentionable. At 16 i am constantly torn over what to let her know and what to hide, what to tell the truth about, what to lie about. She and her friends talk about kink alot, and they are all comfortable talking around me. They do ask questions and my daughter has seen a vibrator in the house, and knows there are some bags she doesn't want to look in, and i respect that. I didn't want to know what my parents were doing when i was 16 either. I was honest when asked by her and a friend who had recently become sexually active about anal sex. My first response when she asked if i ever was "giving or receiving". Her friend was totally lost, but mine was like, "you know using a dildo or something". I did end up admitting to some experience and discussing safety issues etc... Turned it into a lesson, which seemed the best response at the time.



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