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Have we reached the point where we're trying to turn down rather than find?


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Have we reached the point where we're trying to turn do... - 2/28/2007 12:38:51 AM   
littlesarbonn


Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
Status: offline 		This is something I've been observing a lot while reading the collarme ads and message boards. Now, I know there are a million complaints about collarme and the collarme people, but this isn't really meant to be that. I love collarme, and I would go so far as to say there are a lot of people I love on collarme as well. (but much as a previous mistress of mine once said: "I love you, but I'm not in love with you", that's my stance on that whole thing).

What I have noticed is that I think people have actually reached a point where they aren't really looking for anyone anymore but looking for reasons to turn down the possibilities of those that appear as a potential for them. I noticed this with a human resources department once, in which the department couldn't fill really hard to fill positions that required experience that only someone with that same job in that same place could ever have, yet they would continue to turn down every applicant that applied for the positions, even though the sections needing those positions filled kept begging for ANY applications.

I wonder if this is what we're starting to come to. It seems really easy to avoid a potential problematic meeting if you turn down everyone that comes across your desk. I had found myself doing it on a craigslist ad I put out a year or so ago. Hundreds of people responded to my very honest, friendly advertisement, but I found myself turning down one after another because I became really good at turning down people and not very good at actually approving of any of them.

At the same time, I understand how there are a lot of trolls here who go out of their way to make life miserable for others because they are really only trying to get their rocks off. After counting them out, I wonder how many people find themselves really frustrated in their searches because each search turns up empty. Personally, I've been luckier than most here in that not everyone in the world has turned me away, but I can understand how someone would become less and less interested in continuing the search when everyone is so hard to attract.

On a side note, I presented a paper on online connections of romantic communication, and one of the statistically significant factors was that people with low self-esteem tended to be users more often of online matchmaker sites, yet an additional statistical test indicated that the more successful people in romantic communication online were those with higher levels of emotional intelligence. So, for the person who has low self-esteem, and it is further eroded by negative contacts, well, the connection should be somewhat obvious. Anyway, I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I just returned from Reno to present this paper at a journalism conference.


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The Adventures of Stickman and the Unemployed Lego Spaceman
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 3:54:18 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		I agree with your train of thought here.
I think after looking in earnest and wading through hundreds of E-Mails daily when I first hit the online scene I too think I've pushed some good people away.
What happens is the trolls get your dander up and then a good person says one wrong thing and then they are excluded from your consideration without really being given a chance.
I also had the reverse happen to me.
I had a date with someone who just sounded very exciting for me.
My car had issues, I had no phone number to call as it was an initial meeting, and blamo because I was 10 minutes late I arrived and he'd already left.
He refused to return my messages and I never heard from him again after he'd sent a message saying he thought I never drove there at all.
I think online we all have higher standards we try to enforce than we do in real life face to face meetings.
Lastly I think meeting online makes it take much longer for people to establish initial trust.
For example if I met someone in a park I'd be prone to giving them my phone number the first time I met them.
Online it takes several E-Mails before I'm willing to give out my number.
If I met a man at a park I'd allow him to come pick me up at my home and take me out on our first date.
If I met someone online I'd meet them at a coffee house or something and have to see them a few times before I'd let them know where I lived.

Over all anyone I meet online I do so with my radar up, guard up, and judgmental mind running full steam.
I find myself being negative and cynical in my considerations of online suitors.
I think the higher standards and less trust issues I have with people I meet on the web indeed pushes some people away I'd have liked to hold close but never allowed the chance to get that far.
suzanne

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 4:54:12 AM   
hereyesruponyou


Posts: 770
Joined: 1/22/2007
Status: offline 		Personally i don't think i've reached that point.....yet. I still have hope the right person is out there and probably tend to let things go on longer than necessary in the first phases of communication even when my radar says "this won't work".  I'm sure i've made mistakes on both sides and i can see getting to the point youa re talking about. Every burn makes you a little more gun shy and i think you don't always realize it. I have had times when i just got overloaded with the emotional crap from too many bad experiences and took a break for a few days/weeks/months, until i feel i am ready to hope again. 

(in reply to onestandingstill)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 6:34:29 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		I'm no longer looking.  It's a time issue for me, I don't have time to devote to building a relationship or meeting people.  If something good would happen to come my way, I would probably rethink it and find ways to make it work.  I also highly doubt that what I'm looking for is out there.  At the present time I'm not invested in trying to sort through the possibilities.  I'm working on a system of allowing my life ot unfold instead of trying to make things happen.

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(in reply to hereyesruponyou)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 7:43:12 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		There's a fine line between having boundaries about things you need and setting your sights too high. In the end, if you're not finding a partner, you have two choices: maintain what you're expecting and keep searching or change what you're expecting and keep searching. Each person has to decide for themselves.

I found that when I went and had to analyze my manual in order to write the book, I found a lot of things in it to be flexible and negotiable. It surprised me. I have a tendency to like concrete things. Being fluid is harder and sometimes I have to make a conscious effort to be such. Perhaps most people are like me? We grow up in a society of polarity; things are black and white. Right/Wrong, Good/Bad, Moral/Sin, Love/Hate etc. are taught as absolutes. As I get older (or perhaps more experienced in life), I see a lot more shades of gray. Some people never move into this area, though. Do you think that this might contribute to the attitudes in question?

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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(in reply to littlesarbonn)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:05:00 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		It is difficult not to become jaded and cynical as you go through the weeding out process. Too many instances of people looking to get something totally different than what you want to give tends to build walls in me. It's almost easier to say "no" right away and not get hurt. I work at not going automatic and have, in the process, given some people too much time but I'd rather be certain someone is not right before rejecting them.

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:16:58 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		If you got hundreds of responses to a craigslist ad, you should offer your services, if I get 4 I am stunned.

I go to local munches, local events, I put ads on craiglist, and of course here.  I have met some amazing women who were not local and I only want local.

I have met every woman from here who wanted to meet, I have contacted every local woman I could find.  I am seeing the two I met only very recently, but I have been on CM for quite some time.  I am lucky in that there are lots of perverts near me but if it takes me this long, imagine someone who doesn't have my reputation or lives in some smaller town or region.

Sorry, I don't think it is just people being picky, meeting someone you want kneeling at your feet and waking up next to you takes a lot of time and a lot of frogs, but most importantly LUCK and lots of it.  Lets not find one more guilt trip to dump on submissives!!!!

(in reply to sublizzie)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:17:09 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		if i was smart i would do as katy is doing, fully assess that i dont have the time to devote to building and caring for a relationship, but i am not quite that smart, i am still looking for that magical connection, and in my minds eye i will find a perfect place to squoosh him in to my life....so what happens is that when i get mail, i have every intention of building something, but then reality steps in and i realise it wont work.



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"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to sublizzie)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:21:30 AM   
onestandingstill


Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

There's a fine line between having boundaries about things you need and setting your sights too high. In the end, if you're not finding a partner, you have two choices: maintain what you're expecting and keep searching or change what you're expecting and keep searching. Each person has to decide for themselves.

Master Fire


A third option is to just quit searching and give up as it's easier than dealing with searching.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:32:05 AM   
Aubre


Posts: 478
Joined: 12/9/2004
Status: offline 		How are people with a rejection fetish going to get their needs met if people quit rejecting everyone?

:P

(in reply to onestandingstill)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:32:16 AM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

There's a fine line between having boundaries about things you need and setting your sights too high. In the end, if you're not finding a partner, you have two choices: maintain what you're expecting and keep searching or change what you're expecting and keep searching. Each person has to decide for themselves.

Master Fire


A third option is to just quit searching and give up as it's easier than dealing with searching.


Well, true, but the OP was about searching! I'm very tunnel visioned sometimes.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to onestandingstill)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:33:55 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I agree with the thought the OP is conveying in especially in terms of a human resource department. I often myself have seen profiles that define what they are looking for to basically an impossible situation and when I went through my initial deluge of messages it was often many times looking for the bad and reasons to go no thanks then a pure open mind.

Personally I believe there are many motivations involved. It can be habit forming to look for something in a message and profile and go no way, it can be the mind jaded and prejudiced by many of (insert put down word) messages and profiles that zero benefit of the doubt is given and people online self idealize and are so skeptical that their standards are completely unrealistic. I also think there are a lot of people on these sites who want relationships but when they get close like getting messages from real people that they have trouble initiating even the beginning communication of the path.

I have often found it fascinating both in how people look here for a match but how people on regular dating sites also go looking. It is very much the same way, too much skepticism and jaded view points that they have pretty much defeated themselves before they even have started. Unless you can have an open mind and heart your chance for success and happiness is a long shot.


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I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to sublizzie)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 8:40:32 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

if i was smart i would do as katy is doing, fully assess that i dont have the time to devote to building and caring for a relationship, but i am not quite that smart, i


heh, I'm not smart, just tired of meeting people and attempting things.  And I know that there is something wrong with the way I'm looking so I'm doing a dead stop until I get a clue.  Since the beginning of the year I've been working two jobs (one reason why I feel I can't devote time to another person).


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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 9:03:31 AM   
stockingluvr54


Posts: 673
Joined: 6/22/2006
Status: offline 		It's been a tuff one allright! Been searching for almost 5yrs now with 3 ads on 3 different sites.....1 sincere response and a couple of pros in disguise. Can't look locally because of fear of some of my kinks getting  known around town....work from home 7 days a week so can't stray too far from the house....nearest town with a munch is 110mi one-way. So I'm kinda limited to online.

If and when I respond to someones ad...I rarely even get a response. So ya...it's gettin old....same old story.

On a brighter note..... Have met 1 lady on here that's helped me alot with understanding more about myself and the lifestyle..... and reading the boards has been a real help also. Sorry about the whining but that's the way the online thing has gone for me anyways.....

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 9:08:14 AM   
LODK


Posts: 12
Joined: 2/27/2007
Status: offline 		This is interesting to me.  Since I joined this board (less than 24 hours ago) I've noted another side to your observation.  And that is that even though my profile explicitly states I am not looking for a relationship or a "hook-up", merely conversation, I have been emailed by a dozen people (OK, 11) who are seeking just that - some kind of relationship.  I don't understand that, and the inevitable result is rejection. 

Perhaps people should be more honest about what they want, and perhaps they should take the wants and boundaries of others more seriously.  Better results might be gained by presenting ourselves with brutal honesty; in turn, others might try respecting the honest needs of other people instead of, like illustrated in my case, violating the boundaries already established.

State your needs honestly, don't pursue another who's needs you cannot or do not want to fulfill, and do not advertise for something you are not serious about.

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~LODK~

(in reply to littlesarbonn)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 9:59:06 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		LODK " State your needs honestly, don't pursue another who's needs you cannot or do not want to fulfill, and do not advertise for something you are not serious about."

If only, LODK. If only. I'm afraid that is never going to happen on sites like these, even though it really would make it better for everyone. *Sigh*

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 10:18:14 AM   
ShiftedJewel


Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I wonder if this is what we're starting to come to. It seems really easy to avoid a potential problematic meeting if you turn down everyone that comes across your desk. I had found myself doing it on a craigslist ad I put out a year or so ago. Hundreds of people responded to my very honest, friendly advertisement, but I found myself turning down one after another because I became really good at turning down people and not very good at actually approving of any of them.


Yes, this is the way with a lot of people. The internet is a place of instant gratification and judgements are made, impressions are formed and rejection occurs in a matter of minutes, sometimes seconds. For the regular posters, I see it as a way of letting others get to know you, something that is sorely lacking on sites like this. But even that doesn't do it justice.

I know that on the message boards I come across totally different then I do in real life because if you are sitting across from me you can see the smiles, hear the "lol" and note when I am being sarcastic. You can see the emotion on my face, in my voice and in my eyes... and all of that is lost in the written word. I try not to reject out of hand, I try to get to know someone as much as I can here. But I don't always succeed, and yeah, I think part of that is because I'm being rejected if for no other reason then habit. It's really pretty depressing when you think about it.
 
Jewel

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Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 10:20:15 AM   
duckykarma


Posts: 95
Joined: 2/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SirDominic

LODK " State your needs honestly, don't pursue another who's needs you cannot or do not want to fulfill, and do not advertise for something you are not serious about."

If only, LODK. If only. I'm afraid that is never going to happen on sites like these, even though it really would make it better for everyone. *Sigh*

Namaste, Sir Dominic


i know that not everyone does this but I am one of the few who does do this...I am brutally honest about what i want and dont want, i havent gotten as many emails as other submissives who only give a generalized profile but I would rather NOT plow through tons of emails..I have stated in my profile that I dont do certin things and I am still getting emails from ppl who ask me if i will do them, to me that is disrespectful and then very nicley i tell them to go fuck themselves....


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Let the world know you as you are, not as you think you should be, because sooner or later, if your posing, you will forget the pose, and then where are you?
-Fanny Brice

(in reply to SirDominic)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 10:27:03 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		MasterFireMaam:
As I get older (or perhaps more experienced in life), I see a lot more shades of gray. Some people never move into this area, though. Do you think that this might contribute to the attitudes in question?

It seems to me that more and more people are losing the ability to see shades of grey. We seem to be moving more and more into that black or white mentality, at least here in the U.S. as time goes by. This seems to have been a slow but steady trend for the past several decades.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

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You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
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RE: Have we reached the point where we're trying to tur... - 2/28/2007 10:30:20 AM   
SirDominic


Posts: 711
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

and then very nicley i tell them to go fuck themselves....


Well, as long as you are doing it nicely......

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You teach best what you have lived.

(in reply to duckykarma)
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