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shesurrenders -> RE: Fear of Flying??? (2/25/2007 5:30:52 PM)
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Thank you all for your support. I do feel it, and I appreciate your good thoughts. The alpha had assisted with the scene, as in handing the Dominant items, and beyond that I do not know because I was blindfolded. A Domme friend was visiting them that night, and had rode out with us in their car. After the scene was over, the alpha went halfway across the dungeon with their Domme friend and was talking. The Dominant ordered me to go thank her for assisting with the scene. My legs were still very shaky, so He had the other new girl (who sat with me later) steady me, as I went over to thank the alpha. That is when everything blew up. He knew it immediately, it was a crowded place and a number of people turned to hear her, and He may have even heard her Himself. ScreamerGirl has a point, if someone is afraid they probably shouldn't be in a dungeon. I was new, and really had no major fears because I had played with Him for almost 6 months prior to this, and I never expected to be abandoned. I never expected to be so out of sorts myself that I couldn't get a grip in 10 minutes or so. I do not remember being afraid of dungeons before that night, so I believe it was once I was in the car with them on the way to the dungeon that the three of them started telling me these things. I know they were saying some things trying to freak me out, insinuating that they were going to arrange for something to happen that I had never addressed with the Dominant (you know there are a lot of things people can come up with that a newbie would never imagine needed to be addressed). I noticed His alpha was frosty, but I had heard from others that she was usually that way when you first meet her. After that night I heard more, about her, about things she had done to others, about her relationship with Him, things that made me immediately see why she was angry, and that it had nothing to do with me. LA is right there was drama a mile wide the whole way around it, but I was new to the whole concept of poly, and couldn't see it. There was a lot going on with me and the other girls He was seeing that violated an agreement He had with His alpha. I harbor no hard feelings towards her, but I do think if she unhappy, she needed to address it with Him or get out of the relationship, instead of do damaging things to the other girls. I held a lot of anger towards Him for a long time. As soon as it was known there was a falling out between Him and me, I was surprised at the number of people who came forward to tell me there stories. Where were these people when I was checking Him out before hand? For the most part, I am not angry at Him anymore, I just want to be able to let go the way I used to. I am sure no one involved on that night had any idea I could be affected so deeply with such long term reproductions. No one is more surprised than I am. It is not as if my life has been easy. I thought I was tougher and more resilient than that. If the Dom had left me just long enough to pee, I would not have been traumatized. I sat outside for almost three hours before I saw Him again, and that was only after someone else went looking for Him. Knowing what I do now, I would handle myself and the situation entirely differently, but as I said, I was inexperienced. BeachMystress, thank you for the invitations, I may contact you later about attending something, if that is ok? Again, thank you all for your thoughts and support. I only talked about this for the few weeks after it happened, long before I realized the long term affect it was going to have on me. It feels good to read Dominant's views that He handled things wrong, because I cannot tell you how long I harbored the responsibility for all of it. Reading other subs tell me it would have devastated them too is the first I have felt validated about it. From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.
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