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WhiplashSmile -> RE: Fear of Flying??? (3/9/2007 1:28:30 AM)
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I'm goning to throw in my two cents here. You sound like you had a very traumatic experience while in the state of sub-space. Your mind is probally trying to avoid making a reconnection to that bad experience. A sort of natural protective instinct or reaction. I suspect, just the thoughts of going to another dungeon for public play, don't sit well with you. You might want to simply attended a some dungeons (without being part of a scene there). I personally, would want to take a newbie a couple of times to watch, listen and learn. To slowly break them into what is going on. It's a much different atmosphere compared to playing at home. If you go to a dungeon, make certain and be prepared for any reaction or actions you might have. You might want to practice on deep breathing or sort of meditation excercises. Where you can naturally calm your body and mind down, if you start to experience Aniexty. The idea is for you to reconnect with the experience in a sane controlled manner.
As insane as this is, try to indentify and connect with at sub that was in your face. In terms of coming to an understanding that she was simply being a bitch. Accept her as such. If you go back to the same dungeon, under controlled circumstances, they may have been other things which happen, that you have forced out of your mind. You should not do this alone, you should have somebody with you, that is aware of what happened, and what you are trying to accomplish. You should not become part of a scene there. Just simply retrace your steps, while being in a better frame of mind, instead of buzzing off into subspace. If it's too much for you, try relaxation techniques. First, learn some ones which seem to work for you. Be prepared for the unknown if you do go back to the same dungeon. Have somebody strong there with you to support you, to talk with and communicate with.
Perhaps, if you can retrace the events in a safe and sane manner, you will be able to better mentally adjust. You may need to see a trusted therapist. See what they recommend. It's OK.. people from all walks of life use them all the time. You probally won't say anything too shocking that they have not already heard before.
It may take time for you to fully enjoy subspace or not. Try not to strive for it, or think about going there. If it happens it happens. You may be trying to focus too hard on getting there that it's stressing you out and keeping you from getting there. I myself have hit subspace from some very serve pain before. Not from BDSM play mind you. But when you are there, you are there. When you are not there pain can be a bitch to deal with. It's like a state of being, unlike any other. It is wonderful in it's sensation. But it's a natural state of protection against pain. however, it sounds like you have something blocking it. I am only guessing you have come to associate subspace with the whole bad dungeon experience. Your body is in a state of confusion with two natural protective forces at conflict.
This is the only input and thoughts I can to add to this thread. You are not the first person to be traumatized by a first time newbie dungeon experience. Crap like this happens a little too often at times, and it's not talked about enough before hand or after the fact.
I just had an email exchange with somebody today regarding a guy (newbie) that got talked into going to a dungeon. He got put up on a cross, and flogged and was supposed to service 3 dommes. He was in complete horror... did not realize the full impact of what he got himself into... and he was a total mess afterwards.
It takes time to work up to more extreme levels of pain and play. Anybody who's in a rush for the real deal, or in a rush to go play out a dungeon scene without first checking out what the scene at a dungeon is... it's rather wreckless...
In your case, I'm totally amazed that your Dom was not with you for aftercare, being you were a newbie. Regardless of how extreme you played at home, it's not the same as a dungeon.
I'm on a bit of a rant, and my normal sense of humor is shunted. There is nothing funny about what happened, and I'm appalled and concerned.
Three hours to deal with..... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
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