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Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 10:49:58 PM   
shesurrenders


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/9/2004
Status: offline
Sorry this is so long, but I want to give enough information that those who can advise me will have enough information to do so. I played with a brand named Dom for almost 6 months. (Many, many people online knew Him, and many people at lifestyle events know Him.) His live-in sub knew about me (as well as the dozen of so others He played with on a regular basis). I met her twice, she was formal and cool towards me, but I had heard through others that she was always this way at first. Our scenes were intense, and wild beyond my most far fetched fantasies. He could get me to take extreme amounts of pain. Marks that were unbelievable. I flew everytime we played. Everytime He played me into a place where I needed Him. It was bizzare, so different from who I am on the streets. I had an intense need to touch Him. It did not matter if it was just my foot touching His leg, so long as I could touch Him for 5-15 minutes or so when we were done, I was fine. He could be sitting on the computer, not even paying attention to me, so long as I could touch Him, everything was still all good. If He broke that for even a moment, I had a feeling like fear of falling. That is the closest I can describe it. He knew what I was like when I played hard, and He always provided this connection as aftercare.  For me that floaty, delicious place was subspace. I had been there with others, but not as deep. I went fairly easily, sometimes not even feeling the end of a scene, I was already so deep.  After about 6 months of playing with this name brand Dom in weekly (and sometimes 2X a week) sessions, He wanted to scene me at a local dungeon. He knew it would be my first time to a public event. Long story short, He scened me deeper than I had ever gone. His sub behaved viscously towards me when I was deep in subspace, and it spun my head into such a bad space, I know this sounds wierd, but I could not talk at first. The people who witnessed it had to tell Him what happened. He was furious with her, and left me out in the patio area with a girl who had less experience that I did, "to deal with her".  I had never been to a dungeon before. I had heard I should not ever be without Him because other Doms could not be trusted (He was proably the one to tell me that). I was more afraid than I have ever been. It was a huge dungeon. I knew no one. I could not see Him. I did not even know where the bathroom was. I did not know where to get a drink. At some point someone gave me a jacket because I was shivering, and said they were going to get the Dom. By this time He had left me out there for about three hours. He was mad as hell at me that another Dom went to get Him on my behalf. The whole thing got uglier and uglier. Looking back there were red flags everywhere, but I was too new to know them, or know what to do. I am not looking for advice about how to avoid that situation. This is my dilema: Ever since that experience I have been unable to get back into subspace. At first it is a yummy sensation, but at some point the pain becomes pain, and all I can do is grit my teeth to bear it. I can not fly anymore. Sometimes when it is all over, I get a little light headed feeling, but nothing like the space I used to get to. I have tried playing with a partner I trust, but instead of flying I still get freaked out. It doesn't stop me from playing, it just stops me from going into the warm fuzzy, floaty, care free space I used to love. Does anyone have a suggestion on how I can get back there?
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 11:07:44 PM   
marsman


Posts: 115
Joined: 2/16/2004
Status: offline 		It sounds like the brand named Dom lost your trust and now you are having trouble trusting another Dom.

And it sounds like the Dom made several mistakes at the public dungeon:
He should have never left you alone in the hands of a submissive to play with you.
He should have played with you himself or left you in the hands of another good Dom.
He should have been with you after the play to provide you with "aftercare".

It may take some time before you feel able to fly in subspace again.
Take it easy with yourself and remember that it is supposed to be "play" and enjoyable.
Just do what feels good for now, even if it is just vanilla sex...

_____________________________

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen


(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 11:09:18 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Aww hon, that sounds like it was harrable for you.. though Im confused as to why he left you alone... what was he doing??? he knew that his own sub had hurt you and he was upset with her for it there for I would think he would then want to take care of you and make sure you are ok..

Any way how long ago did this happen.. you cant expect to heal from this over night.
going into sub space takes a lot of trust and when that trust is shaken by anyone it can be devestating.

With Master we had a scene where something we did triggered a panic attac in me.. it wasnt Master foult or mine and he did everything right stoping the scene and administering aftercare right away (which with me mean lots of snuggles and close contact.) But even though he did all that right it was very hard for me to get back into sub space for a while and not because I didnt trust Master it was a subconcouse fear I had and it makes sence becuase sub space makes us so very volnerable...
Even though Master did everything right to take care of me there was still the rebound effect and it took some time for me to be able to get into subspace again at all with you it sounds like the Dom did everything wrong he did nothing to lessen this effect so it would seem it would take even longer for you to be able to get back into subspace give it time find a Dom you really really trust it will come back slowly but it will come back.

Magik's slave

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 2/24/2007 11:11:44 PM >

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 11:19:15 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I am ignorant of the term "brand name dom", could someone please clarify?

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 11:32:34 PM   
VeryPrivateMstr


Posts: 21
Joined: 12/5/2006
Status: offline 		i believe "Brand Name Dom" means He was active in the community. People knew Him, or knew of Him. He was refered to her, or had references. Just like a brand name product you buy from the store, it is supposed to have a good reputation. 

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/24/2007 11:37:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Give it time and see what happens when you scene with someone you DO trust and feel secure with again.  Try and think of it like a bad dream- its impact will fade over time and it doesn't really have any affect on your day to day real life.

I don't think her initial coolness as anything but normal- if he plays around a lot, she probably wants to keep things cordial and formal partly so she doesn't have to deal with all the newbie drama all the time and partly so she doesn't give them an impression that it's any more than what it actually is- which novices often do.

Some doms are what I refer to as "rock star doms"- they have groupies they collect and show off, but they only last about 6 months because after that the groupies get burnt out and realize the reality underneath the rock star persona.

You made some bad choices, got in over your head, but luckily you didn't get seriously hurt physically, a bad subspace experience can be dealt with in time and you know much more about how to use good judgement and make your own choices for yourself in the future.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to VeryPrivateMstr)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 3:56:36 AM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		    I have been trained to come down from subspace on my own---that doesn't mean I don't get any kind of after care after a scene.    It's like hypnotic effect for me and sincerely I feel less afraid knowing that I can get my head back in order with or without him.    No he has never left me but I still like knowing I have my own internal safety net.

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 3:56:56 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		I'm so sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, just because someone is well known doesn't mean they truly understand control or have control of their submissives. A friend of mine went through almost the same thing (the jealous sub alpha sub making life awful for her without the Dominant handling it) and it was the last straw that drove her out of the community for a time.  I don't know how to tell you to regain your trust in Dominants. I think it will just take time for the incident to heal. When you truly trust a Dominant again, I suspect you'll fly high.

In the mean time, I'd like to invite you to a local munch. We have it every second Tuesday and fourth Thursday of the month. The next two are:
*Tuesday, 03/13/07, 7:00 PM, National Sports Bar & Grill -3210 Sepulveda Blvd Torrance CA
*Thursday 03/22/07, 7:00 PM, Bob's Big Boy, 24021 S. Hawthorne Blvd.,Torrance CA

At either of these, ask for the Co-ed softball team. They are pansexual munches, welcoming all orientations and we do try to make newcomers comfortable. I hope you can join us at one or both of the munches. If nothing else, it will give you friends in the scene to keep an eye out for you. Most of the people who attend our munch do play at the Lair and Passive Arts. I hope to see you at the next munch!

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 5:03:42 AM   
StellaByStarlite


Posts: 790
Joined: 2/10/2007
Status: offline 		Hello, shesurrenders. =)

Wow, that sounds awful. And scary to newbies, lol. Not much I can offer that hasn't already been said, but I'm sorry you had such an experience. That would seriously traumatize the hell out of me, as well.


hope you recover soon,
Stella

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 6:00:15 AM   
Driver1961


Posts: 459
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		He dips His lid;

My heart and hand goes out to you girl... I only strongly reiterate what others have  given as advice but add:

1.  Your inability to speak in deep space is not uncommon, now that you recognise this- you must inform ANY Dom/me that you play with of this.  Explain that you may even believe you are talking/yelling but nothing is coming out word-wise. so all play should stop whilst you are in dep space until you feel more control and safety.  perhaps try to talk with others that were present during this about your behaviour so you can pass that onto the Dom/me.

2. You must communicate this incident to any future Dom/me- without the names etc of course.

3. Reflect, reflect. reflect and ask more questions here as they arise, there are numerous past threads here with similar experiences.

It is a pity that many Lifestylers would have been aware of your distress but felt unable to assist you- although perhaps many did assist you but you are unable to recall this because you were needing Him.


A big strong pair of arms around you girl. Feel some healing.


Warm regards Driver1961,  Sir to His loving Wildchild.


_____________________________

Dance as though nobody is watching!

(in reply to StellaByStarlite)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 9:50:02 AM   
ScreamerGirl


Posts: 65
Joined: 1/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

He knew it would be my first time to a public event. Long story short, He scened me deeper than I had ever gone. His sub behaved viscously towards me when I was deep in subspace, and it spun my head into such a bad space, I know this sounds wierd, but I could not talk at first. The people who witnessed it had to tell Him what happened. He was furious with her, and left me out in the patio area
ORIGINAL: shesurrenders

I'm sorry you had a bad experience.  I have a question, though.

If his sub behaved viciously toward you while you were deep in subspace, and he didn't know it - where the hell was he?  It sounds to me like someone told him afterward, so if it was in the middle of your scene with him (where I'd assume the subspace to happen), why didn't he see this himself?

The only other thing that I'd say, mostly as footnote, is that while public dungeons can be scary, if you don't think you'll be able to move around on your own(find a bathroom, get a drink) due to any sort of fear, you probably shouldn't be there.  I know the romantic view says that your dominant will always be with you -- but hey, doms have to pee, too, right? 




< Message edited by ScreamerGirl -- 2/25/2007 9:51:06 AM >

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 10:42:23 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScreamerGirl
If his sub behaved viciously toward you while you were deep in subspace, and he didn't know it - where the hell was he?  It sounds to me like someone told him afterward, so if it was in the middle of your scene with him (where I'd assume the subspace to happen), why didn't he see this himself?

For me, subspace rarely ever happens IN a scene, it's always after a scene where I can let go that it happens.  And this isn't too uncommon for a sub to remain in subspace well after a scene takes place.

And, as the OP said, the dom passed her to some other girl to watch for her while he "took care of" the other situation.  This alone smells of too much drama and lack of stabilityfor me to want to get involved in.  One can only assume that this girl didn't really understand what she was supposed to do, or didn't really realize that the OP was as messed up as she was (and really, I doubt she wanted to sign up for messed up sub-sitting that night in which is likely NOT the first time this dom has had such a problem).

But I know that even if I've gotten a tour of a place doesn't mean I'll be able to orient myself around and be able to find stuff easily, specially if I'm still half spaced out.

Mistakes were made all around- but in the end no serious damage was done and the OP knows to make better decisions from now on.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to ScreamerGirl)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 11:00:24 AM   
BOUNTYHUNTER


Posts: 9259
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		YOUR sub space should be a safe place HE should have jerk a very tight knot in her ass...Thats why when one is spacing around here the others are sitting in the cornor with mouths shut and expected to remain that way..bounty

_____________________________

US going to hell in a hand basket/

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 1:56:42 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScreamerGirl
If his sub behaved viciously toward you while you were deep in subspace, and he didn't know it - where the hell was he? 

You said it yourself, Doms have to pee too, right? More than once I've had to run to the restroom after a long scene. Once, at a different dungeon than the OP's, I actually had someone touch my subhub while I was gone. Five mins, and some lowlife took advantage of the situation. Luckily, I came right back. My sub was still unnerved by the situation, but now I take measures such as drinking less while we play, so I don't need to leave him so soon after he is made vulnerable. But with a stranger able to interact with my sub in that short vulnerable time, a jealous alpha sub who has been just waiting for a chance to mess things up between her master and the OP would have a field day in that short amount of time

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to ScreamerGirl)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 5:30:52 PM   
shesurrenders


Posts: 4
Joined: 11/9/2004
Status: offline 		Thank you all for your support. I do feel it, and I appreciate your good thoughts. The alpha had assisted with the scene, as in handing the Dominant items, and beyond that I do not know because I was blindfolded. A Domme friend was visiting them that night, and had rode out with us in their car. After the scene was over, the alpha went halfway across the dungeon with their Domme friend and was talking. The Dominant ordered me to go thank her for assisting with the scene. My legs were still very shaky, so He had the other new girl (who sat with me later) steady me, as I went over to thank the alpha. That is when everything blew up. He knew it immediately, it was a crowded place and a number of people turned to hear her, and He may have even heard her Himself. ScreamerGirl has a point, if someone is afraid they probably shouldn't be in a dungeon. I was new, and really had no major fears because I had played with Him for almost 6 months prior to this, and I never expected to be abandoned. I never expected to be so out of sorts myself that I couldn't get a grip in 10 minutes or so. I do not remember being afraid of dungeons before that night, so I believe it was once I was in the car with them on the way to the dungeon that the three of them started telling me these things. I know they were saying some things trying to freak me out, insinuating that they were going to arrange for something to happen that I had never addressed with the Dominant (you know there are a lot of things people can come up with that a newbie would never imagine needed to be addressed). I noticed His alpha was frosty, but I had heard from others that she was usually that way when you first meet her. After that night I heard more, about her, about things she had done to others, about her relationship with Him, things that made me immediately see why she was angry, and that it had nothing to do with me. LA is right there was drama a mile wide the whole way around it, but I was new to the whole concept of poly, and couldn't see it. There was a lot going on with me and the other girls He was seeing that violated an agreement He had with His alpha. I harbor no hard feelings towards her, but I do think if she unhappy, she needed to address it with Him or get out of the relationship, instead of do damaging things to the other girls. I held a lot of anger towards Him for a long time. As soon as it was known there was a falling out between Him and me, I was surprised at the number of people who came forward to tell me there stories. Where were these people when I was checking Him out before hand? For the most part, I am not angry at Him anymore, I just want to be able to let go the way I used to. I am sure no one involved on that night had any idea I could be affected so deeply with such long term reproductions. No one is more surprised than I am. It is not as if my life has been easy. I thought I was tougher and more resilient than that. If the Dom had left me just long enough to pee, I would not have been traumatized. I sat outside for almost three hours before I saw Him again, and that was only after someone else went looking for Him. Knowing what I do now, I would handle myself and the situation entirely differently, but as I said, I was inexperienced.  BeachMystress, thank you for the invitations, I may contact you later about attending something, if that is ok?  Again, thank you all for your thoughts and support. I only talked about this for the few weeks after it happened, long before I realized the long term affect it was going to have on me. It feels good to read Dominant's views that He handled things wrong, because I cannot tell you how long I harbored the responsibility for all of it. Reading other subs tell me it would have devastated them too is the first I have felt validated about it.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you all.

(in reply to BeachMystress)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 5:41:12 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shesurrenders
I know they were saying some things trying to freak me out, insinuating that they were going to arrange for something to happen that I had never addressed with the Dominant (you know there are a lot of things people can come up with that a newbie would never imagine needed to be addressed).

I admit I've never understood the "tease/mindfuck the newbie" game.  A new experience is intimidating enough on its own.

quote:

As soon as it was known there was a falling out between Him and me, I was surprised at the number of people who came forward to tell me there stories. Where were these people when I was checking Him out before hand?

Well, a person doesn't have good character if they just come out to you and tell you negative gossip about people- so unless they were directly burned themselves, it was right of them to keep quiet (and frankly I detest the "chicken cooping" effect that the aftermath of such things brings about as well).  The other part is likely you wouldn't have heard them or been interested anyway- you were in blissful newbie sub haze.

quote:

It feels good to read Dominant's views that He handled things wrong, because I cannot tell you how long I harbored the responsibility for all of it. Reading other subs tell me it would have devastated them too is the first I have felt validated about it.

Yeah, but you DID make some bad choices yourself and could have seen the signs.  You don't get let off the hook here.  I'm NOT saying that you are to blame for anything that happened or that you should feel bad about what THEY did- but you should seriously recognize your lack of judgement so you don't do it again.

And seriously, just give it time and see what happens when you make better choices with someone secure next time.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 6:15:18 PM   
Sinergy


Posts: 9383
Joined: 4/26/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BOUNTYHUNTER

YOUR sub space should be a safe place HE should have jerk a very tight knot in her ass...Thats why when one is spacing around here the others are sitting in the cornor with mouths shut and expected to remain that way..bounty


You know, I am sitting there scening the one I am with and if somebody around me starts to give her crap I imagine the particular item I am holding in my hand will be used to get their attention.

The story presented is just wrong on so many levels.  I am sure you will find one you can trust enough to get you there, OP.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle


(in reply to BOUNTYHUNTER)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/25/2007 11:58:38 PM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: shesurrenders

  BeachMystress, thank you for the invitations, I may contact you later about attending something, if that is ok?

Please feel free to write to me any time. I look forward to hearing from you.
 
You were NOT responsible for the trauma you suffered. The Dominant had a responsibility and fell down on it. I suspect that it made an impression on the people around you. Having to offer a coat to a shivering sub who is being ignored by the Dom who brought her and someone else having to recall him to his duty (going to get him for you) is not common at the dungeon you mentioned. I know it doesn't make things any better, but he will have damaged his reputation by his actions. A good many of the local Dom/me are very chivalrous and the abuse of a sub in such a way is not trivial. Yes, you were abused. Unfortunately it happens. You need to get hooked into the local "sub network" and learn who to avoid. Some Dominants talk a good line and then can not follow through. The girls can give you heads up about many of them. The munch will be a good first step towards that, and I hope you do come.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

(in reply to shesurrenders)
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RE: Fear of Flying??? - 2/26/2007 7:43:09 AM   
MasterNdorei


Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		If i am understanding this correctly, He left you outside while He went to deal with His alpha's bad behavior towards you, while you were following His orders... and you ended up alone for 3 hours while He handled her? If He spent three hours neglecting you after her bad behavior, she knew exactly what she was doing.

You've not said how long ago this happened, but i admire your ability to let go of your anger. There is some great advice offered in the previous posts. i am sending you the warmest hugs, and add my wishes to the others, that you will find your wings again.

Master's dorei

(in reply to BeachMystress)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Fear of Flying??? - 3/9/2007 12:17:46 AM   
FelinePersuasion


Posts: 4792
Joined: 11/20/2004
Status: offline 		PLEASE, please do not believe that play parties are not safe tog o to cause all the doms will beuntrustworthy, that's just propoganda. There will be some creepy people, that happens in life anywhere but most dungeons are very safe to go to.

quote:

ORIGINAL: shesurrenders


I had heard I should not ever be without Him because other Doms could not be trusted (He was proably the one to tell me that). I was more afraid than I have ever been. 

_____________________________

Most of the time if it looks like BS, smells like BS, you probably should not t taste it to see if, in fact, it is BS.


(in reply to shesurrenders)
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