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Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:22:43 AM

MissEnchantress

Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
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This post had a bit of a poll element too.

At a recent party I was with a slave who did not attend on Me to My satisfaction. Actually he wasn't real attentive at all. At this party we were the only kink couple though the others knew about us.

While I was warming some snacks the seats at the table filled up, all except for one which the slave I was with was blocking access to.

I am a huge fan of politness and chose not to interupt conversations to oust him or climb over him.

I stood for quite some time until another -non kink-person offered the seat to Me.

Later, I chided him for not being attentive and offering the seat. I pointed out that I am a Lady and he was not being a gentilman.

He pointed out that is was not very Dommely of Me to wait for my sub to offer Me a seat. That if I wanted the seat I should have taken it as a Domme should.

My personal though it - as a wise Master once told Me - it's not who does what, but who controls who does what that is a measure of Dominance. I believe if I chose to be a Lady, then he should be a gentilman.

In many posts we have established pretty much that everyone agrees it is Ok for a Dom to be a Gentilman - I agree as well. Is it ok for a Domme to be a Lady? Do subs only want Amazon type Dommes? (I don't think so personally).

I truly have a great interest in the psychology of it all, so your thoughts please!

Oh and, despite the little icecream cone over there I've been in the lifestyly seven years personally and two perfessionally.

Post #: 1

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:30:30 AM

fliiboy4u

Posts: 8
Joined: 10/18/2006
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I very much believe you are correct in expecting him to behave like a gentleman. From my early childhood I was taught to hold open doors, offer my arm, give up a seat, for a lady. This was taught to me by my mother who was definately in charge! It shows respect both outside and inside a D/s relationship. I do this for people I do not even know, I think I would be even more polite to those I do, it shows respect beyond just the kink level. It shows that I care about the person and believe they are a Lady worthy of my respect If they are not that, they why would I chose to be a partner with them.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 2

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:30:53 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
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I think this illustrates a mismatch of expectations.

As tiresome as it may seem, the best way for each of you to be satisifed with behavior in the bedroom and outside of it is to discuss possible scenarios.

Depending on your dynamic this may be each of you saying what you think is best and then compromising on the expected behavior OR it may be you explaining what you expect and him either agreeing to it or leaving.

You don't have to be specific in these expectations but you do need to discuss them. For example, wherever we are, Fox has been told that his job is to see to my comfort, engage in delightful conversation, and keep me entertained. Doing all of that requires that he pay attention.

So have the discussion with your submissive after you've thought about what you expect in a variety of situations.

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(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 3

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:31:48 AM

Governess

Posts: 9
Joined: 1/1/2004
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your submissive should have been gentleman enough to make sure you were comfortable and atteneded. Waiting for him to react to your presence wasnt un Domme-like only Lady-like.your submissive in My opinion was being bratty in a bad way. And yes,a Domme is a Lady in a situation where the others are vanilla and the sub should be a gentleman to say the very least!

Governess

(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 4

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:36:59 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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IMO kinky trappings NEVER trump good manners.

Taking a seat from another guest at a social outing is extremely rude- you were completely correct to wait. While one could argue the gender stereotypical truth to whether he SHOULD have offered you a seat based on you being a "lady" he most certainly should have been concerned about your comfort and thought to at least ASK whether you wanted to sit or not.

But, as TammyJo said, you've obviously got some crossed wires on the communication and expectation side of things, along with some basic manners training. If you even care to continue after he got so defensive and insulted you.

_____________________________

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(in reply to Governess)

Post #: 5

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:41:36 AM

mam

Posts: 54
Joined: 6/16/2006
Status: offline

Your slave was rude to you and then insulted you. I am curious, what was your reaction?

mam

(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 6

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 7:46:28 AM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

This post had a bit of a poll element too.

At a recent party I was with a slave who did not attend on Me to My satisfaction. Actually he wasn't real attentive at all. At this party we were the only kink couple though the others knew about us.

While I was warming some snacks the seats at the table filled up, all except for one which the slave I was with was blocking access to.

I am a huge fan of politness and chose not to interupt conversations to oust him or climb over him.

I stood for quite some time until another -non kink-person offered the seat to Me.

Later, I chided him for not being attentive and offering the seat. I pointed out that I am a Lady and he was not being a gentilman.

He pointed out that is was not very Dommely of Me to wait for my sub to offer Me a seat. That if I wanted the seat I should have taken it as a Domme should.

My personal though it - as a wise Master once told Me - it's not who does what, but who controls who does what that is a measure of Dominance. I believe if I chose to be a Lady, then he should be a gentilman.

In many posts we have established pretty much that everyone agrees it is Ok for a Dom to be a Gentilman - I agree as well. Is it ok for a Domme to be a Lady? Do subs only want Amazon type Dommes? (I don't think so personally).

I truly have a great interest in the psychology of it all, so your thoughts please!

Oh and, despite the little icecream cone over there I've been in the lifestyly seven years personally and two perfessionally.

Difficult call here. Raised to act like a gentleman, I have behaved in such a manner with the women in my life all my life. When I entered the world of D/s, I ran up against the "Too nice, too courteous" vs. the "Too domineering and not enough manners" conundrum. I soon settled into being me...I usually treat the woman I am with with respect and civility and manners with an extra measure added in when out in public. But...I also settled into a habit of always making sure that the submissives knew early on that they would be treated like ladies and that I expected them to behave as such.

Did you tell the submissive that you expected him to act as a gentleman? It is no good saying that he should've known to behave as one. There are all kinds of definitions and attitudes surrounding the display of manners and what constitutes gentlemanly/ladylike behavior these days. I am not as adept as LA and so will not even attempt to post the addresses to any past threads but do a search on-site here for threads related to manners and courtesy and gentlemanly/ladylike behavior and note these differences for yourself.

It comes down to the old mind-reader thing....male dominants are often told that a female submissive will look to her male dominant partner for instructions as to how to behave in various situations because the submissive is not a mindreader. The male dominants often tell the female submissive that they need to communicate how they would like to be treated and what their expectations/needs/desires are because the male dominant is not a mindreader. I would imagine the same theory holds true in the case of female dominants and male submissives...doesn't it?

(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 7

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 8:27:32 AM

SingleRarity

Posts: 320
Joined: 9/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

IMO kinky trappings NEVER trump good manners.

I am in total agreement with this.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 8

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 8:41:19 AM

OnyxGoddess

Posts: 242
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline

Maybe it is me but if he was YOUR slave HE should have anticipated things that would make YOU happy and comfortable. Unless he is the type that needs to be lead by the hand at every step HE should have offered you the seat and asked if there was anything YOU needed. After all it is sposed to be bout YOU (or so is my assumption.) All of my boys treat me like a lady without my asking or reminder. For them thier satisfaction is about ME being satisfied.

And like others said a gentlemen need not be told to pay attention to his lady company.

I find it interesting though that he held YOU at fault for this and was so bold as to say so or offer no apologies for making you unhappy. My two cents.

(in reply to SingleRarity)

Post #: 9

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 10:21:07 AM

porthuronsub

Posts: 339
Joined: 4/26/2005
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What does this have to do with the lifestyle, isn't that just good old fashioned manners? Offer the lady a seat, at the table, on the bus, on the train, where-ever. When we are out I help her with her coat, I also pull my Mistress' seat out for her, help her push it in and adjust it, and then I sit. When we are done I help her up, help her with her coat/scarf, and open all doors including car doors.
But that is just what i was taught as a young-un before I even knew about this wonderful thing that is what we do.

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)

Post #: 10

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 10:56:36 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

quote:

MissEnchantress
Later, I chided him for not being attentive and offering the seat. I pointed out that I am a Lady and he was not being a gentilman.

Well maybe after paying a tribute he thought that you weren't really that much of a lady...Just someone he had purchased and he would do whatever he pleased (just a thought)....Probably he just really doesn't dig you.

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Post #: 11

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 11:04:20 AM

kc692

Posts: 3701
Joined: 3/24/2005
Status: offline

I noticed something else, but wanted to ask; is this slave 24/7 ? Not that my comment matters either way; I saw in your post you were warming snacks. Even when I have a male submissive that is part of their duties not mine. Saying that, I am not trying to make fun or light of your situation. I have never thought that the fact dommes have reps for being bitches, means we should act as such. I firmly believe in manners, and you did right not to cause a scene. I would however, wonder how serious the boy wanted to serve if he did not even notice you were waiting to be seated.

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This is only MY opinion. If it's not yours, let's agree in advance to agree to disagree, OR, you can just get the fuck over what I had to say:)

(in reply to porthuronsub)

Post #: 12

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 11:15:07 AM

porthuronsub

Posts: 339
Joined: 4/26/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: kc692

I noticed something else, but wanted to ask; is this slave 24/7 ? Not that my comment matters either way; I saw in your post you were warming snacks. Even when I have a male submissive that is part of their duties not mine. Saying that, I am not trying to make fun or light of your situation. I have never thought that the fact dommes have reps for being bitches, means we should act as such. I firmly believe in manners, and you did right not to cause a scene. I would however, wonder how serious the boy wanted to serve if he did not even notice you were waiting to be seated.

Yes how could you be standing there without him noticing? Was he involved in the conversation and just not aware of his surroundings? He still should not have made the comments that followed the incident though. Maybe he thought that since this was a vanilla event he would test you level of dominance over him.
Regardless of motivations, it was still extremely poor manners.

(in reply to kc692)

Post #: 13

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 11:41:34 AM

MercilessMarcy

Posts: 80
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline

I'm curious why you didn't get his attention (a look, a pre-arranged signal) during this. Obviously, as has been stated, mis-communication. Do you choose partners whom you MUST PUNISH for bad behavior because that is what pleases you? If this had happened to me I would have led him to the door and told him not to bother returning ever! I expect good manners. I make that clear up front.

(in reply to porthuronsub)

Post #: 14

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 11:59:22 AM

Sinergy

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I agree completely. I view my submissive as a reflection of myself, and I ask that she comport herself with grace, manners, and decorum whether I am around her or not.

Sinergy

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(in reply to MercilessMarcy)

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RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 12:35:28 PM

MistressDiane

Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
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If I have to TELL him to be a gentleman then he is not the slave for me.

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"..and they who danced were thought insane by those who refused to hear the music." ~Monet

*Suffer BayBeee!!!!!*

"My treasures do not sparkle or glitter, they shine in the sun and neigh in the night."

(in reply to Sinergy)

Post #: 16

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 12:45:09 PM

Misstoyou

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Joined: 9/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

He pointed out that is was not very Dommely of Me to wait for my sub to offer Me a seat. That if I wanted the seat I should have taken it as a Domme should.

Garbage. If he's my submissive, it's his job to make sure my needs are being attended to. He should have seen that you needed a seat (someone else did) and taken care of it.

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~ Miss Marie

a.k.a. "mean Lady"

(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 17

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 1:10:31 PM

domiguy

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He might have been afraid that if you took your seat there wouldn't have bene enough food for everyone...It's just good manners.

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RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 2:24:33 PM

Lashra

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It sounds to me like he needs to be reminded of his place. My sub would have pulled out the chair and waited for me to take it. He would never have stood blocking the seat and left me standing there. Not only is that rude but it would show he does not have very good training. He also shouldn't be telling you what you should do as a Domme. You can do what you want, it is him who is supposed to act within certain guildlines and being a gentleman is one of them.

~Lashra

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(in reply to MissEnchantress)

Post #: 19

RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/24/2007 3:25:17 PM

SweetDommes

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My response to his accusation of not being Dommely is basically the same as the others (that he should have been aware of his needs, and as a gentleman should have offered you the seat), but I would add in this: even if others are aware that you are kinky, flaunting it in such a way as he seemed to expect is unacceptable. If you are around non-kinky people, then you should not be subjecting them to your kinks without their express consent. If you had done what he seemed to expect, then you could very well have made some of the others at the gathering uncomfortable, and alienated them.

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(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 20

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