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RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/27/2007 2:24:21 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline 		I might also suggest a book on etiquette or manners as well. They're available at any library for free. There are also websites dedicated to etiquette.

http://www.etiquettehell.com/content/eh_main/gen/eh_index.shtml

or books

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Posts-Etiquette-Thumb-Indexed/dp/0066209579

http://www.amazon.com/Manners-Excruciatingly-Correct-Behavior-Freshly/dp/0393058743

as well as thousands of other books available on amazon under etiquette

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_/103-6455608-3967806?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=Etiquette

Best of luck to you in the training.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/27/2007 2:29:17 PM   
SDFemDom4cuck


Posts: 2809
Joined: 5/23/2005
From: P'burgh PA
Status: offline
quote:

Given the circumstances and informal atmosphere (a potluck at a Friends home), I would have politely inducted myself into the conversion, asked for the seat, and gestured to my sub to sit on the floor snuggly against me, as we all engaged in conversation. 


I believe it was a vanilla setting and while they may be aware of the dichotomy between the two I don't know that actions such as this would have been comfortable all around for the other attendees. Just my opinion, I tend to not make a show of my personal D/s relationships while in the company of my nilla friends and family.

_____________________________

Ms Jo

She dealt her pretty words like Blades -
How glittering they shone -
And every One unbared a Nerve
Or wantoned with a Bone -

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

(in reply to Hime)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/27/2007 2:40:45 PM   
Hime


Posts: 149
Joined: 10/31/2006
From: Vegas
Status: offline 		To be quite honest....
I would have done the same whether he was my boyfriend or a sub.


~xoxo

(in reply to SDFemDom4cuck)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/27/2007 6:29:18 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

While I told him that in general I wanted him to act like a gentilman I did not remind him for that night. I did not think I had to tell him
what to do. He has always opened doors for Me and pulled out My seat at the restaurant.

Given those habits I did not realize that 'pay attention to my Mistress and when she has been standing for some time offer the
seat that I am blocking' was not in repitoire.

When we discussed this he wants to know how long he should set his watch for to know how long he has to wait before he should offer the seat. I do not think he is being sammy I think he honestly cant tell.


O.K....so you HAVE told him that you want him to act "like a gentleman".  But his actions indicate that...just as I noted in my original post...that people seem to have various meanings attached to that word nowadays, just as they do the words "manners" and "respect".  Look at the answers he has given you.  In my world, a submissive speaking to me in that manner would know before she said it that it would be considered disrespectful.  I let a submissive know at the beginning in general conversation what I consider to be good manners, common courtesy, and the acts of a gentleman and a lady.  I do this so she can never turn around and say "Well, I did not know what you expected".  That may sound a bit anal but I am big on manners and courtesy...even posted a thread on it when I was new here.  From his answer, I would say that as his dominant, it is now your job to teach him on the subject of what you consider to be manners, courtesy, respect, and the actions of a gentleman.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/27/2007 6:54:23 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear MissEnchantress, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
If I read correctly, this chap was not collared to you but, was a guest along with you, in a submissive/slave capacity.
 
It seemed like both of you had not briefed what each of you were expecting from the other.  As being the only 'kink' couple, among friendly to kink -- I would have briefed the chap on what to expect, how much protocol was to be followed and the things that regardless of kink or not would be expected--Being a gentleman to a lady.  That said though, manners and what it means to be a gentleman is a nearly extinct art.  One cannot assume that men or women 'know' what it means to be a lady or gentleman, to behave as one and what messages it sends when there is little following of the 'rules of entertainment.'
 
People can 'expect' all they wish however, the key is communication as well as understanding what is communicated.  Some 'hear' what is said but it doesn't register.  Sometimes it takes more detailed attention, explaination and or showing how.
 
Perhaps you both were a mis-match.  One cannot expect to ride like a Cadillac like a lady would expect, when her transportation/support and services is that from a GEO Metro with manual transmission.  Both are excellent automobiles however the abilities, functions and the like are totally mis-matched.
 
That said, you also inquired if it was accepted to be a 'lady' and be a Dominant lady at the same time.  My reply would be yes, as I am a lady and treated as a lady, as well as remain consistantly as a lady.
It has been my experience though, that not all 'ladies' have been gifted with the many secrets within, as to transmit power through grace as to cause people to move and or part, as to let you pass.  Difficult to put into words however, it is often a lot of fun for me to demonstrate this 'power' on the vanilla public.  At times, I demonstrate it quietly at conventions with an eager student.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 7:58:08 AM   
Mustardseed


Posts: 291
Joined: 5/27/2006
From: Seattle, WA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: thetammyjo

I think this illustrates a mismatch of expectations.

As tiresome as it may seem, the best way for each of you to be satisifed with behavior in the bedroom and outside of it is to discuss possible scenarios.


I'm torn.  I agree that, in the OP's situation, this apparently needs to be negotiated as both parties think they're in the right.  And yet, between basic manners and power-exchange dynamics, I think that this should have been a no-brainer for the slave.
  1. My Daddy is male and is a gentleman.  However, if we're at an event where I'm seated, he isn't and there aren't any chairs nearby, I will offer him my seat.  dur.  In most cases, I can either play fetch, sit at his feet or stand behind him and stroke his hair.  Often, he'll be just as happy to stand, but I let him make that decision.  I'm not collared to my Daddy but I consider myself to be in service to him.  In honor of that dynamic, I offer him my seat.
  2. This past weekend, we were sitting at a large round table.  A Domme came in with her slave.  Her slave sat on the other side of my Daddy to chat with him.  The Domme walks with a cane, and eventually I realized that she wasn't sitting and there were chairs nearby.  I asked her if she wanted my seat, which drew everyone else's attention to the situation.  It was eventually decided that she should sit at a part of the table where she'd be less likely to be in the middle of thru traffic, and it was all settled.
So, I'm not sure of why common courtesy didn't mesh with the OP's D/S dynamic in this case, but I vote with her.  I'm willing to nod to either poor socialization or some other issue on her slave's part and say that while he should have behaved himself, this may be a bigger issue that might involve actual negotation on protocols.

(in reply to thetammyjo)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 10:07:12 AM   
WhiplashSmile


Posts: 1472
Joined: 6/8/2004
Status: offline 		As a Mistress, you should be able to teach, train, command, tell, order, ask, or otherwise direct your sub/slave to do things to please you instead of stereotype images of other people.   Sounds like he has a stereotype of what a Domme should be in his head, or was owned by another at one time and is used to this being the way.


      

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:38:50 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		We are working on his communication skills.  I don't like being held at fault either... we are also working on each others expectations.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OnyxGoddess
 
I find it interesting though that he held YOU at fault for this and was so bold as to say so or offer no apologies for making you unhappy.  My two cents.

(in reply to OnyxGoddess)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:40:00 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		This was not a tributing sub. Tributing subs... Most subs actually treat Me well.

For privacy reasons I would not take a tributing sub to a friends house.

This sub is a personal sub to Me. While we did not have a collaring ceremony we have an agreement in place.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:41:32 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		He cooks often enough. This was a particular dish that I wanted to
cook.

True enough he got the groceries... But I had wanted to get them myself. The only reason I could not was because I had to work that Sat am and I had the stomach flu.

The hostess was ok with Me coming knowing that I was ill and would not be drinking.

(in reply to kc692)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:42:43 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		I dont know how he did not notice either. No I dont think he was
testing Me on purpose. Porthuronsub you are not so far away from Me. Buffalo here.

(in reply to porthuronsub)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:48:37 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		A pre arranged signal is a good idea. I did not think we needed one - My mistake - because he would open car doors and sit Me at restaurants. I did not think he would have trouble paying attention to if I had been standing.

I do not choose subs who disobey just so I can punish them. I
am not of the Amazonian archetype at all. I prefer to be adored and worshipped. I torture because it pleases Me and I have a huge sadistic side. Grin.


quote:

ORIGINAL: MercilessMarcy

I'm curious why you didn't  get his attention (a look, a pre-arranged signal) during this.  Obviously, as has been stated, mis-communication.  Do you choose partners whom you MUST PUNISH for bad behavior because that is what pleases you? If this had happened to me I would have led him to the door and told him not to bother returning ever! I expect good manners. I make that clear up front. 

(in reply to MercilessMarcy)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 2/28/2007 1:50:46 PM   
MissEnchantress


Posts: 23
Joined: 10/4/2006
Status: offline 		I may not have answered all of you personally but I think I got all the questions answered. I will look at the newer replys. I had a bit of  internet issue. Once again thanks for all of your input.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 3/2/2007 9:45:02 AM   
bflosub


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		  thank You, Mistress, for a well thought-out analization of the problem and communicating with me before administering my punishment, and providing me a slolution so that there is no resentment created.  i do not pay enough attention to You and i have been neglegent in doing the things that are important to You, because i didn't care to hear them.  i see my punishment as a positive experience, and this forum is a good way to learn.

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 3/2/2007 10:09:23 AM   
bflosub


Posts: 4
Joined: 2/26/2007
Status: offline 		     a good point.  how a man is to act in the company of a Woman in any social setting, whether D/s or vanilla, needs to be taught.
    throughout human history, teaching these civilities seem to have been a Woman's role, (which is one of the many reasons i now subscribe to Feminine Domination).  lacking these social skills is what defines a "nerd", which is what i started out as when i entered this lifestyle almost 3 years ago, as i think is the case with many subs.  the other kind of pig simply isn't as intellectual, but only needs to be smart enough to put a Woman in charge of his life.

_____________________________

to touch is to heal - to hurt is to steal
if you want to kiss the sky, ' better learn how to kneel!

(in reply to Hime)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 3/2/2007 11:11:13 AM   
LODK


Posts: 12
Joined: 2/27/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissEnchantress

No I dont think he was testing Me on purpose.  


Oh, I think either he was testing you on purpose, or he is an abysmally trained sub.  This is not a gender issue, or a manners issue, as in "a gentleman should give his seat to a lady."  This is a sub/slave who left you, the Mistress, standing and ackward.  Yes, it was a vanilla gathering, but if he's a sub/slave to you, location is not relevant, nor is gender.  It was his place to be focused on and paying attention your comfort, no matter the setting.  No setting, circumstance, or social propriety should enable him to take his focus from you.

That boy needs serious training.  He also needs consequence for determining it to be "your problem."  After all, are you supposed to be the only one paying attention here?     

_____________________________

~LODK~

(in reply to MissEnchantress)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Expectations of a Mistress.... - 3/2/2007 1:45:53 PM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		I can not help but overwhelmingly agree.  My sub is to be thoughtful of My presence at all times and is to behave accordingly.  My last pet and I had several long talks on the issue.  It seems only natural that, if he serves Me in private, he should most certainly serve Me in some fashion in public, a gentleman at the very minimum.  It makes for an especially good mix in the vanilla world for things precisely as opening doors, offerring his hand to help Me out of a car, refilling My glass, etc., etc.  I have never felt I would have to command a sub to pay attention to these things.  If I have not already earned that minimal bit of respect from My sub, it is most certainly time for Me to find another.  Just My humble opinion, of course.
 
Lady Pact

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to SweetDommes)
Profile   Post #: 57
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