RE: Negotiating During a Scene?

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RE: Negotiating During a Scene? - 2/12/2007 5:00:01 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: needdiscipline23

On another thread, someone mentioned that if a scene was not negotiated beforehand as including sex, but then went onto sex, with both parties consenting at that point, that they would feel that this bordered on non-consensual, b/c they had not negotiated it to be this way BEFORE they got into the scene, and potentially had their judgment altered or whatnot.

This is something that never occurred to me before, and I'm curious about what others think:

If your scene progresses to a point that was not negotiated, but you do not use a safe word, and in fact, at the time, feel perfectly fine/happy/elated at where the scene is going, would that bother you later? Do you think you would feel violated (as a top or bottom) if you went beyond what was negotiated? Do you feel you can give consent even when in subspace, or the Dom/me equivalent?

I assumed that consent was an ongoing thing--it would not occur to me to be offended at someone going beyond what had been negotiated if I was indicating that I wanted to as well, but perhaps this is again my inexperience talking here, so I'm curious about what y'all think.

As someone noted, tis not always black and white...there is room for plenty of shades of gray.

I went to see a submissive once and played with her in every which way that had been negotiated. Didn't violate her safeword...didn't even ask...never used a toy that we had not discussed prior. Play = Good Sex = Good Aftercare = As negotiated, which included us spending the night in the same bed and my holding her all night....calming her down when she woke up scared/trembling/unsure/etc. Long story short, as I have discussed this before on a different thread, I had my toy bag dropped by my head the next morning to wake me up and was told I had 15 min. to get dressed and get gone or she was calling the cops and showing them the "marks" I had left on her during my "forceful assault on her non-willing body".
I left. Another submissive (before the one above) who decided during play that she did want sex...I went for it...next day, her complaint was not the sex but the marks left by a new toy which she had wanted used on her. Of course, I went home that night after the play and the sex...had to work the next day...she was aware and O.K. with it but something did not go as she wanted as those marks made her extremely angry and I have never heard from her since.

Everything negotiated...threatened with rape. Things done that were not negotiated...they weren't part of the problem...marks that had been negotiated were. In the "rape" case, I did not know the submissive that well. In the "marks" case, I knew her very well.

You can do everything right and it will bite you. You can do everything wrong and it will bite you. Since I have seen the vice-versa to be true...doing everything right and not having it bite you...more often than I have seen the doing everything wrong and not having it bite you...I choose now to do everything as "right" as possible. What is negotiated beforehand, I stick to. And if I am going to be playing with someone that I do not know as well as I feel comfortable in my heart at the idea of being alone with, I play with them publicly or with a friend present. If they do not go for that, then I do not play.

(in reply to needdiscipline23)