DominaSmartass
Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
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ORIGINAL: taintedgypsy
12 months ago I moved across the country and left all my friends, family and daughter to be closer to Him. I took on a job about 2 hours away from him, a stressful demanding job with long hours. I work so many hours that I have made no friends here, and they are all men that I work with and they go home to their wives and children and do not socialize with me. I spend most of my time alone in an old quarry site, or alone at home. I am exhausted both physically and mentally, and feel that life has been out of control for some time now. Exhaustion and loneliness during the week and then desperate neediness on the week end have turned our lives into a nightmare.
I really feel for you there. While I did not do quite the same thing for the same reasons, I find myself in a similar position...thousands of miles from everyone I care about and with little free time outside the office to take care fo myself. This in itself is a stressful situation, so you added on top of it a new M/s relationship and all that comes with that. Give yourself a break and don't be so hard on yourself. I know you must have thought that when you left home you were doing it for good - that he was THE ONE and you were making the right choice. The truth is that you never know what the future brings and you can't live your life only doing things that are sure bets. Sometimes even the surest bet doesn't pay off - at least not the way you might think at first.
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So much change and growth that I no longer even recognize the woman in the mirror and I am not sure I like her either. There were a couple of unfortunate instances where punishment went horribly wrong and triggered some nasty things from my past and left a mass of distrust behind that neither of us has been able to fix.
I am stronger and surer of myself than I have ever been, yet I have lost so much. He has tried to direct, tried to pull me back on track, but for months I have fought Him at every turn. Why do I fight against what I want and need? Why do I question what has been carefully thought out and fashioned for my best interest? Why can I not put things behind me and trust in Him the way I did before all of this?
Been there, felt that too. One of the primary reasons I don't believe in corporal punishment in D/s relationships (other than the kind that's done for fun.) I'm assuming it's CP you're referring to but correct me if I'm wrong. It IS very hard to rebuild trust after someone betrays it. In my case, trust was never rebuilt and I left him. Your fighting him is probably due to some deeper survival instinct stuff you were feeling even if your head was telling you that you should follow. Sometimes the breech is too large and cannot be overcome. Did he ever admit he was wrong and appologize to you? Would that have made a difference?
If you are stronger and more sure of yourself than you have ever been then no matter what, this year has not been wasted. If it's over between you two then you should focus on yourself and moving on with your life. When I say focus on yourself, I mean it. Don't jump right back into the dating pool and try to find someone to fill that void. Cause there will be a void but you will only get yourself into more trouble if you let yourself be drawn into the next dom that comes along because you feel something's missing without one.
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Is it possible to change so dramatically in just one year? Have I lost my submissive heart and if so what the hell am I now, but miserable, distraught and lost.
It's possible to change dramatically in much less than a year. And people do change, in d/s as much as any other part of life. I'm not saying that there is any hierarchy here but people do evolve and morph from subs to slaves, from slaves to subs, from slaves to doms even. Maybe there isn't any mysterious submissive heart that's been there all along and will be there forever. Maybe he made you feel submissive for that time and now something in you has changed and you may not feel that again or at least now.
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Have other submissives lost their way and found the right path again?
Are there other submissives that have lost trust but managed to rebuild that which was torn apart?
Are their others who have managed to pull themselves back and regain their place at His feet?
Is it possible that I am not submissive? That this whole journey has been for nothing?
I started my journey in the d/s world as a sub, really a slave in mentality even if not in official title. It's who I thought I was at the time, though I had some doubts because other desires began to surface pretty quickly. I'm not sure where the turning point was but somewhere along the line, the man I was calling "sir" started to lose my respect. His behavior was no longer enough to earn my submission. I learned some things about myself and realized that I could and would do a better job of taking care of myself than he was doing taking care of me. I mean this in a physical and emotional sense, not like financial or anything since that wasn't part of it. The more distance I got from him and that relationship, and the more times I tried to put myself in the sub role once more, with other people, the more obvious it became that I could not consider myself a sub any longer. Yes, that was kind of hard and sad. I had only identified as a sub for about a year (my relationship was 8th months long) and it felt odd to let go of that identity, but it hurt much worse to try to keep hanging onto it. So yes, it's possible you are not a submissive but that ABSOLUTELY does NOT mean that this journey has been for nothing. How can you expect to go on a journey if you never leave the place you started? Maybe your destination was not with him after all; maybe your destination was not as a slave after all; but if you were still living the life you were a year ago you would still be that much further from actually finding out where you're supposed to be headed.
I hope my words have helped you (and maybe others reading this.) Don't expect that everything will feel right overnight. Most of all, keep reaching out for help from others cause everything you've been through, there are so many more who have as well.
_____________________________
“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”
- Comedian Margaret Cho
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when are you no longer a submissive? - 
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