How do you deal with ...

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MistressSassy66 -> How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:00:07 PM)
Being stood up? After reading a Journal entry I started wondering how O/others handle this. Its posted here because it applies to both Dominants and submissives. Myself when I get a new person to the world of BDSM and they bail with no notice I dont get upset.I can understand that it can be scary. If I do hear from them again I give them another chance,a no show no call at that point,I realize they are either jerking My chain or arnt ready,so I dont set up another session. With submissives that are somewhat experienced,or very experienced and are a no show no call,I will at least listen if they have an excuse.I'll give them a second chance.I will give people a 3rd chance if I feel like it was out of their control to miss a session. After the 3rd chance and they still dont follow through then they have struck out. I make a note of it and then send them a note to not bother contacting Me again. I tend to be a patient person when dealing with session set-ups..but enough is enough at some point. So how patient are you when its comes to being stood up?

Wildfleurs -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:04:37 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66 I tend to be a patient person when dealing with session set-ups..but enough is enough at some point. So how patient are you when its comes to being stood up? When I was single I did not tolerate being stood up. If it happened I did not talk to the person again, my time is to valuable for someone (especially someone that is supposed to be a dominant) to be scared and wasting it. C~

tangldupinblue -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:06:39 PM)
i have had to deal with Daddy standing me up alot, sometimes when i'm already on my way to meet him, but i also know that he only cancels because he has to. at first i had a hard time in dealing with the disapointment, then controling the temper tantrum i really want to have. but quickly learned that tantrums only got me in more trouble. so now i just take a few deep breaths and rememeber hed be with me if he could. blue

RobertCloud -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:11:24 PM)
It depends a lot on the way the event takes place. If there are a lot of obvious lies surrounding the standing up, then there is no second chance. I don't tolerate liars because how will I ever know if they are telling me the truth or not. If I have doubts as to whether or not there is truth to the stories behind the reason they were unable to be there, I may or may not ask for proof. It depends again on the extremity of the story they are telling. If it is outrageous, then I may ask for proof, if it is simple, I would more than likely let it pass. "My car broke" is far more likely to get a let pass, than a nine hour trip that turns into three days and they still don't make it, but have to turn around because of something else. Even in the latter, I realize that there could be truth, so I give the benefit of the doubt if proof is going to be offered. But a no call, no show, and you do not hear for several days later, that usually ends it for me... There is no excuse on that one, unless it is medical, there should have been some contact saying why within 24 hours of not making it.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:23:03 PM)
For me, being stood up means that you got no notice of cancellation or rescheduling- they just didn't show up. I handle this mostly by not making dates with new people unless it's at a time and place I already plan to be at and enjoying. That way, if I get stood up, I haven't wasted my time and still enjoy myself. But if it happens, I just let them go. It doesn't need to be a first date either. Had a fabulous first date with a guy once- said he'd call and email. I called and emailed a few days later and never hear anything back. About a month later he comes back around with apologies about a hectic life and I just said no thanks.

LadyEllen -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:24:27 PM)
Two strikes and out basically. I get the chickening out thing, so the first time, OK I show understanding and let them know that they can give it another go, but only when theyre sure. If they chicken out again, thats it. But just 'cause I'm all compassion, it doesnt mean I dont get annoyed! I mean, the last time this maid was meant to arrive and didnt turn up, and I'd spent a good while getting the place tidied and cleaned before he arrived that I neednt have, as it turned out. Yes, I know how crazy that sounds! E

Noah -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:39:21 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MistressSassy66 Being stood up? After reading a Journal entry I started wondering how O/others handle this. Its posted here because it applies to both Dominants and submissives. Myself when I get a new person to the world of BDSM and they bail with no notice I dont get upset.I can understand that it can be scary. If I do hear from them again I give them another chance,a no show no call at that point,I realize they are either jerking My chain or arnt ready,so I dont set up another session. With submissives that are somewhat experienced,or very experienced and are a no show no call,I will at least listen if they have an excuse.I'll give them a second chance.I will give people a 3rd chance if I feel like it was out of their control to miss a session. After the 3rd chance and they still dont follow through then they have struck out. I make a note of it and then send them a note to not bother contacting Me again. I tend to be a patient person when dealing with session set-ups..but enough is enough at some point. So how patient are you when its comes to being stood up? I don't recall it ever having happened. Insofar as this has to do with first meetings or anyway very early-in-the-relationship meetings, maybe some of you guys aren't getting things properly squared away first. Let me rephrase that: some of you obviously aren't getting things squared away first. I've met someone after several years of long-distance acquaintance and I've met people quite expeditiously after discovering their existence. I think a challenge like this is much better avoided than dealt with. Choose people of integrity who have a little bit of shit together. and UB2.

MsOpal -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:39:58 PM)
LMAO, I wonder if you read my journal! I "had a boy", I was serious about establishing a good, long term relationship. At this time in my life I do not want a live in, and this boy was close enough to be perfect, and he had been to my hole a few times and each of those went well. However, I would set up chats diring the week to discuss rules and give him things to do or just to see how his everyday life was going and absolutely every time (probably 6 or 7 different evenings) he was not there, not even once! The next day he always sent an apologetic email and I was "understanding" about his real life problems with work etc. Then we had a weekend scheduled and he begged out at the last minute with a family emergency out of state. On Monday when I emailed him to see if he was OK he informed me the emergency was not as bad as fisrt thought so he had not gone out of town as planned, but had spent the weekend resting and working on his car. He did not bother to email, chat or call me for 3 days under the premis that I thought he was out of town anyway. Well, I let that slide while I felt pretty bad about how he was acting - lesson one for me. A few weeks later he and I are supposed to ave lunch together, and because of his job I told him to call me at 9 AM (3 hours after he get to his office, plenty of time to work out what time he can go to lunch) and tell me time and place good for him so we can meet for lunch. Guess what? No call ALL DAY. No call, no email, no chat the next day! On day 3 I sent him a very sternly worded email and tell him we WILL have lunch in a few days to discuss what is going on. I get an email back that basically says "F***k you, I never want to see you again" and says the "same emergency" really happened that day and he was so distraught that he didnt even think about calling me to say he was too upset for lunch. He missed out, if indeed the family problem was real because I am by nature very nuturing and comforting. SO, I have learned my lesson. Once, if they explain and apologize, I might forgive. Twice - never. That will include dates for phone calls, or chats or meetings. GGRRRRRR ..... talk about "one bad apple" MsOpal

TxBlkMistress -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 2:51:12 PM)
I use the same rules as everyone else it looks like. I use this rule not only for meetings, but for internet meetings as well...If I rearrange my schedule to be online to IM with someone to talk to see what we have in common, and they do not show....I have a problem with that...and you have twenty four hours to let me know what that reason is. If you contact me days later, which usually means their "hard on" is back....I'm not interested...I give them a polite "no thank you" and a "good luck on your search" Especially when it's usually "their" idea to IM...I usually don't do it that evening just in case it is a wanker...I make arrangements for the following day...or some other day if it's agreed ahead of time. I don't see any excuse for not letting me know if you can't be there online or in person...you can take five minutes to leave me a message, unless you are in a dire medical circumstance.

onestandingstill -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 4:11:47 PM)
Hi Mistress Sassy, For me being a bottom, my perspective indeed would be WAY different from you. I'll explain what the name I bear expects of me. I Identify under the name bottom but not in my heart. I'm working hard with my control issues I feel I need to fix before I can honestly call myself a submissive. As I mostly I associate my position with that name, I can explain that perspective too. Then lastly being who I am how I imagine I'd be as a Mistress (lol never happen) I'll assume what I'd do. All no matter what name, or who they are, has just as many rights in the beginning as all LOL three food groups. All three in early stages have the right to choose if they wish to discuss this, stop seeing this person, or accept it and continue dating. All three have the right to voice their displeasure and irritation in the other person and expect not only an answer as to why no show, no call. It's a common courtesy between people you have not chosen to submit to for all. I think a bottom is much like a vanilla person who chooses to play or service from the receiving end of the others will in spurts. Other than when they, for whichever time allotment discussed, give that control of them to the other is treated like you would a vanilla person. They chooses to submit or not of Their choosing thus, indeed topping from the bottom and holds control at their will to dole out. She can still be horribly offended and expect an apology and conversation to his rude behavior. I think then a submissive/slave (pick a noun, any noun same difference to me, though in some things they differ IMO, this is not one of them.) You gave your will, and your desire for self and the BIG I of your freedom of choice over to this other person for their pleasure in using your will as they see fit. You accept the manlte of the little i. Though personally you may be mad as hell they stood you up, you have no right to question your Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme. I go as far as saying unless, after many hours and you have huge concern for their wellbeing don't even dare to call to see where they are or mention the tardiness in sassy tones or you're wrong. Even when you call in genuine concern, how you approach the infraction is also paramount to a full energy exchange D/M/s relationship. That was not your choice, nor your right to be offended over, and if you call, you should be relieved and glad if you're not punished for disturbing them by protocol standards. In actuality a good D/M if in control of their lives enough to lead another has integrity enough I hope not to be treating the one who gave their will to them like that any way. If so they have issues they need to fix just like a sub/slave does to avoid this in the future (not be punished but work on themselves). That should show the sub/slave they indeed do not have a true Master that respects their submission or service to them. You ahould not trust them easily again to be on time to save yourself dissapointment unless there indeed was a rare fluke where calling was not humanly possible. If it's a constant they can leave/ask release, but still not chastise, or speak in anger about it and be true to their vow of giving over temselves to this other. They can respectfully, in so very many ways point out they were hurt, concerned, let down and offended with the tools available to do that respectfully once they give over the sub/slave ownership. I have in past submission had a reoccurring tardy issue. I was indeed upset. No matter how you hold your posture or face it's evident you're outraged in your eyes if it's a casual rude reason or none at all. They know how you feel, and how they show you they feel shows volumes too. No words are necessary to fix this any way. Only actions can prove worthiness in someone ability to lead. From the Mistress/Master perspective. That would depend on prior behavior. Not common but rare in your sub/slave, a big talking to, a letter of apology vowing it won't happen again or X(your choice) happens next time, a special chore and a spanking would do me fine. Happening more than once or twice within the first year, and a plausible story you opt to believe, all of the above mentioned and the volume of the punishment way turned up as you had them agree to in their apology if you don't release them over it. After that you're not in control they are. It's the three strikes and you're not the boss in that thing any more notion IMO you're being topped. OK long letter, but I feel strongly on these separate perspectives, lol and we all know I love to talk. Over all if you have a date or appointemnt and for some reason other than you can't talk physically, just choose to leave anyone hanging like that you're VERY RUDE TO THE PERSON WAITING in my book. In the age of cell phones it's just wrong IMO from anyone. suzanne

MistressSassy66 -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 4:18:56 PM)
Thank you A/all for your input. Perhaps I am a little too nice with the no call no show as most would get rid of them sooner than I do...hmmmm...glutton for My own punishment?? LA, I love that idea and have met some at the Mall and so I'm not wasting time. As far as getting things squared away...How many chats does it take to get things squared away? I dont meet on the first contact.I have a list of questions that email them or im them. I will talk on the phone at length to make arrangements. So its not for lack of preparation. It amazes Me that I can have someone drive 3 hours no problem but the 20 minute drive was just toooo much for someone else. MsOpal...I dont think it was Yours....But it could have been...LOL It seems inevitable that ALL of us get stood up at some point. I think the most used excuses are car problems or family issues. I agree with an apology and a reasonable excuse I would also reschedule. When the excuse ends up always being family(hmmm...hes married) When its the car time after time...they have no imagination...LOL and really should get a new one. I dont get upset over a day or two of not hearing from them,I know some were too afraid to call because they knew they were in trouble. Understanding human behavior is one of the most important things to Me. Which is why I tend to give second and third chances. Again thanks for the input [:D]

mymasterssub69 -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 4:53:21 PM)
i loathe people (nillas and lifestylers) who waste my time and stand me up unless it's an emergency. i will call the person to say i cannot make it or running late since i'm an on time type of person. however if you're going to cancel without calling to tell me, don't expect me to be nice and take you back. all it takes is once to be on my "ignore" list.

Lorelei115 -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 5:02:51 PM)
I've learned to gauge people a lot by the first meeting. I've met quite a few people from online, and I can honestly say that no one who ever stood me up was worth giving a second chance to. Every time I would give someone a second chance, they pulled another stunt very like it down the road. Obviously, this isn't going to be true for everyone. People have real emergencies, life happens. But in this day and age there is NO reason why someone should not call you at least within 24 hours of an arranged meeting. If I am not worth their time to make a simple phone call, they are not worth my time of getting to know.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 5:50:15 PM)
Okay...its abundantly clear I need to change the 3 strikes rule to 1 or maybe 2...lol And I have the same feeling about the cell phone thing,shouldnt be any reason unless they are injured and cant call. I agree with you on the being topped OSS,I missed that part earlier Must have been the long letter..hehe See this is why threads and posting can be a good thing. Its a great way to get some good feedback. I know I'm far from perfect so any help to achieve that goal is awesome...LOL

LadyLockdown -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 5:51:44 PM)
Hear! Hear! I also have had the same experience, Lorelei115. And I must agree with you based on personal experience on multiple occasions in the past the past 2 plus years of being on this site -- if they cannot call to reschedule to meet the first time, there will be another time/other times when they will disregard Y/you and that is just too readily available from the vanilla males in the world without having to meet and beat someone in addition to being disrespected. That is too prima donna for my taste. It seems so many parents have failed to train their children in basic good manners and respect for others of any station. And yes, I am talking about Boomers and their ill-conceived Spock-reared whelps which have become a plague and a boil on the butts of all decent folk. Emily Post and Amy Vanderbuilt, as well as Miss Manners, have wonderful books on the market which would greatly serve such wastes of time in learning the proper behavior when interacting with others. I think every parent should be required to read it and teach it to their children so as not to afflict the general population with this awful scurge in future generations. I really do not like having to take their little boys/girls into the discipline room and beat the stupid out of them before I can begin to train them to make a bed. LOL; but, hey, I am just one of the "bad" parents who didn't care if Her children got their feelings hurt when corrected or disciplined. I will consider a rescheduling; but rarely grant them. I do not troll for candidates, they come begging in my mail box, nagging me to give them a chance to prove they are service minded and of a slave mentality and will please me in every way, and then just completely disappear once I agree; and they always have cell phones that are no longer in service when you try to call and find out if they are ok. There is no excuse I will accept for treating me in such a manner. One strike; you're out! I'll kick them to the curb quicker than they can think up another lie to tell me. I do not accept the "I had a wreck/accident" excuse. I just got that one last week from the fourth candidate in the last five months. There is no way that many people coming to my part of Houston have auto accidents on the way here. My favorites were the two who enlisted the help of friends to lend authenticity to their lies; especially the girl who was never going to walk again and was willing herself to die because she could never serve again and was sooooo depressed she could not live up to her commitment to me....I see her on here all the time seeking a Domme...lol It was a miracle how quickly she recovered from her coma to get online and give me a ration when her friend informed her I suggested they were running a scam. I am a miracle healer and never knew it! LOL I should go on the road with Bro. Benny! Y'all wanna touch me? Hahahaha!

BalletBob -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 5:56:44 PM)
I agree with you Mistress Sassy. I NEVER stood MADAM up, or even Mistress Haley Online, but I do know it would drive them nuts. You are more then nice, by giving them 3 tries. Some others would drop them on the first no call, no show. Hopefully, none of your other subs do this to you. Sincerly, Sub BalletBob

MistressSassy66 -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 6:15:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BalletBob I agree with you Mistress Sassy. I NEVER stood MADAM up, or even Mistress Haley Online, but I do know it would drive them nuts. You are more then nice, by giving them 3 tries. Some others would drop them on the first no call, no show. Hopefully, none of your other subs do this to you. Sincerly, Sub BalletBob Thank you balletbob... I have seen the posts that say they do just that. I know that shit happens...I get migraines and have had to cancel more than once. So I guess it really does just depend on the situation and whether a pattern emerges. I dont have tolerence for ones that say "someday" i'll make it there...those I just blow off,I know they will never make it here and they are just playing games.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 8:25:31 PM)
It depends on the circumstances. Sometimes, they don't show up for a reason, sometimes they simply can't be bothered. My reaction is usually based on how sincere I find their apology to be and their history with me. This is in reference to both kink and vanilla dates/appointments. Master Fire

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 8:27:23 PM)
This is also why I say to meet sooner rather than later. But make a commitment later rather than sooner. There's no reason a capable independent adult who is seriously interested in forming an adult relationship with someone else cannot find the time and resources to meet someone within a 2 month period.

SimplyMichael -> RE: How do you deal with ... (1/22/2007 8:40:21 PM)
I had no right to fall so hard for someone I just met but I spent more than a bit fucking crying today over being stood up. Sunday morning I walked into a cafe I hadn't meant to go, sat on a side that I never do and met the most amazing woman. The connection was pretty clear and I asked for her number (something I rarely do) but begged off talking because I had papers to write. I went home, looked out at the stunning blue sky and said "fuck it" and called her and asked if she wanted to go for a walk. Six miles and almost several hours later after deeply shared thoughts and the finding of almost spooky parallels in our lives we kind of just stood next to each other silently looking at the river together. I am old, I don't do this, falling like a kid was never something I did and I am no kid. This woman was everthing I liked in my best partners AND most amazingly had none of the issues that are patterns in the women I tend to choose. I felt like an adult in my first real adult relationship. Not many people and sadly very few women impress me with their sense of adventure and level of accomplishment and this woman blew me away and to then find so much common ground and shared perspective with a woman was just stunning and amazing. I felt like I was in a movie, one of those sentimental hack jobs that is just too sacharine to believe. Today she told me sharing so deeply terrified her and she just wasn't ready to do that with someone. I told her for me that was the finest part of a very very magical day. I realize what I should take from this is that there are amazing women out there and that one of them could look at me and find someone equally amazing but right now there is just a great big fucking hole in me. I realize I am a great big dope for piling that much on, but again, I don't do that, certainly not on a one day meeting but what we shared was just amazing and intense. We spoke of physically wanting each other and I should probably have just thrown her down and had my way with her (an axioum of mine is if you don't they freak out and can't deal with it and you always regret not doing it) but I respected her enough that I wanted to give her space to think as we shared a few relationship patterns, one I knew I had broken out of and thought that I didn't represent hers but I wanted her to make that choice. So yes, I have been stood up.

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