It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault

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It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/20/2007 9:27:42 PM

Jnj

Posts: 72
Joined: 9/28/2004
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Earlier this year, my owner and I had a horrible accident during a scene. We were teaching a fear play class for Kinky Kollege, in which he does things to scare me periodically during the discussion, escalating it slowly until it is time to do a demo. Towards the beginning of the class, he demonstrated to the audience how easy it is to scare with quick movements -- he held a large hunting knife, one of my milder fears, a distance away from me, and quickly moved it towards me. The knife, sheathed, came towards my face, and like I'd done numerous times before when he pulled that move, I gasped, and moved my head away. This time, however, I stupidly decided to grab the knife and pull it away from him. I didn't think about it, I just did it. Only when I grabbed the knife, I yanked the sheath off and sliced my finger deeply to the bone. Three months, 8 stitches, and a procedure similar to a skin graft later, my finger is almost the same, but my mind isn’t. My biggest fear has always been amputation, and for a split second, I believed my finger has been severed. For a long time, I couldn't forget that moment, and even through the hospital visit, I kept thinking "Jim can't be trusted."

And then when I replayed the mishap in my head (which I can't stop doing), I realized that I am the one who can't be trusted. Before this accident I always held this stupid, illogical belief that a dominant has ultimate control of the scene, and anything negative that happens during it falls on his shoulders – the one in control is the one responsible. But I just can't blame Jim for this. He took many safety precautions -- sheathing the knife, describing what he would be doing, telling me to sit on my hands, warning me not to fight, etc. And still there was an accident. I tried, hard, to place the blame on him, because I don't like the thought that there are things out of his control, that is a scary concept for me, but in reality, there was nothing short of not using a knife that he could have done to stop it. I made a stupid decision and there was nothing my dominant could do to prevent negative consequences. He can give me the tools not to fuck up, but ultimately, he can't prevent it. For me, that was a brick to the head. I’ve always had this romantic idea of dominant as God, and I’ve had a hard time coming to the rational decision that he simply isn’t.

I've changed my outlook on our relationship because of this accident. I feel it has matured me, made me more aware of the effect and active role I play in his ownership of me. I now feel like it isn't weak for him to need my help to make his dominance stronger--I can see that, in a sense broader than this incident, there are things I can do to take away his control and things I can do to support it. I am no longer just a thing to be controlled, I'm now apart of what is necessary for the control, and it is a wonderful feeling. It sucks that I can’t seem him as omnipotent anymore, but I feel like I’ve gained a different style of respect for our relationship by letting that illogical idea go.

I just wanted to share my “Duh!” moment with the world, and would be very interested in hearing from others who have had epiphanies because of scenes.

< Message edited by Jnj -- 1/20/2007 9:31:50 PM >

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/20/2007 9:34:50 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
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While not quite on the scale yours was, I had a minor realization a few yearsback. I had been in a relationship at that time with a female sub who was gettng to be very dear to me. We were interested in being poly, and it had been her fantasy to have a "baby brother" submissive. I had brought a boy on, you ger than her and quite new. I had not spelled out exactly what her rules were as the "big sister" becasue I thought logic would dictate that I was still the law of the land. Unfortunately, she had other ideas. She disiplined him, ratehr harshely, when he stepped out of line, not wanting to burden me with the problem.
It taught me a very important lesson. If you have an apha slave that is going to have any sort of power over your others, make sure they know very clearly their places and boundaries. The poor boy was nearly driven fron the lifestyle over the confrontation, and for good reason since he was so new and didnt know this wasnt going to be the norm. The girl was dismised and went on to become nearly a stalker to me for a long while.
I have never tried to keep a poly house since. I am considering it way back in my head now, however that always haunts me.

DV

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I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/20/2007 9:34:59 PM

RobertCloud

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Thank you for sharing this. It does help to show that not everything is in the hands of the Dominant. We can only do so much and though we try to do everything within our power to protect our slaves/submissives things still can happen that are outside of our control.

I have always hated to see someone refer to us as their God, for we are not omnipotent. We do our best, but we still are only human.

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/20/2007 9:40:30 PM

Jnj

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Joined: 9/28/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RobertCloud

I have always hated to see someone refer to us as their God, for we are not omnipotent. We do our best, but we still are only human.

I think this is a really hard lesson for most of us without the control to learn, because we find safety in the idea that everything will be taken care of if we simply let go of responsibility.

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 9:55:01 AM

HollyS

Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jnj

Earlier this year, my owner and I had a horrible accident during a scene.

For a long time, I couldn't forget that moment, and even through the hospital visit, I kept thinking "Jim can't be trusted."
And then when I replayed the mishap in my head (which I can't stop doing), I realized that I am the one who can't be trusted.

Thank you so much for posting your experience - it puts those Dom-as-God fantasies into a bit more perspective. It might, however, be more accurate to say "human beings - both dom and sub - can be unpredictable," rather than thinking in terms of who can/can't be trusted. Even the best laid plans can go wrong, from either side of the knife. And sometimes, shit just happens and it's no one's fault.

quote:

Before this accident I always held this stupid, illogical belief that a dominant has ultimate control of the scene, and anything negative that happens during it falls on his shoulders – the one in control is the one responsible. He can give me the tools not to fuck up, but ultimately, he can't prevent it. For me, that was a brick to the head.

I’ve always had this romantic idea of dominant as God, and I’ve had a hard time coming to the rational decision that he simply isn’t.

I am no longer just a thing to be controlled, I'm now apart of what is necessary for the control, and it is a wonderful feeling. It sucks that I can’t seem him as omnipotent anymore, but I feel like I’ve gained a different style of respect for our relationship by letting that illogical idea go.

I totally agree with this and am so glad to hear someone say it, especially with the rash of threads regarding Dom omnipotence/sub passivity that have been common lately. I know I sometimes have a hard time with this; I'm so controlled most all of the time, that release can feel like I'm relinquishing my personal responsibility. Then if something were to happen, it would be my fault for not being more careful for myself. It's one of those things I've got to work on - coming at the same problem from the other end, I guess.

You're right, there's a fine line between taking control from one's Dom and supporting his/her control by being an active participant. There are going to be people who say all they want is to be"a thing to be controlled" (or own a "thing to be controlled"), but that seems to be a different kind or level of connection. Just not my thing, I think.

It's wonderful that you were able to use this test of your relationship to grow and mature. It sounds like the past 8 mos have been rough - congratulations on making it through.

And I'm so glad you're okay.

~Holly

Kindness and intelligence don't always deliver us from the pitfalls and traps: there are always failures of love, of will, of imagination. There is no way to take the danger out of human relationships. -Barbara Grizzuti Harrison

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 10:58:22 AM

KnightofMists

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jnj

I've changed my outlook on our relationship because of this accident. I feel it has matured me, made me more aware of the effect and active role I play in his ownership of me. I now feel like it isn't weak for him to need my help to make his dominance stronger--I can see that, in a sense broader than this incident, there are things I can do to take away his control and things I can do to support it. I am no longer just a thing to be controlled, I'm now apart of what is necessary for the control, and it is a wonderful feeling. It sucks that I can’t seem him as omnipotent anymore, but I feel like I’ve gained a different style of respect for our relationship by letting that illogical idea go.

Thank you for sharing your experience and most importantly the depth of learning that it resulted in. You are finding out what it is like to be in an Power Enhancement Relationship... I am excited for you... I strongly suggest that your growth is "your" as in both of you... and that your relationship is all the more powerful becuase of it.

Congrats on reaching a new level of understanding in your intimate relationship.... I will say that few get to where you have just got to

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 11:03:51 AM

classykindasassy

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Prime example that what a lot of us do is not Safe Sane and Consentual. It is Risk Aware Consentual Kink. It is often not sane and it would be impossible to prevent all mistakes unless you never did edge play. You can't possibly predict and be aware of a sub's reactions. First Aid is always a good thing to prepare for, and then some really understanding aftercare! Subs who have a reaction to such play need to forgive themselves first, and then hopefully gwt around to forgiving the person who did the deed!

The closest I have come to this is my dom taking me to get my nipples pierced the same day I'd had a panic attack and all my brain chemicals were wack. I normally never say no. But to this I had to put my foot down. He did not know I have lingering significant effects to having my nervous system over-amped in a panic attack. It took a little while, but we got thru it. I flipped out and had a smaller panic attack.

< Message edited by classykindasassy -- 1/21/2007 11:07:07 AM >

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 11:59:27 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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LOL what I do has nothing to do with SSC or RACK. I do what I feel is right to do for me....that's about it.

And I echo the others- a well written post. Bottoms do need to take responsibilty for their part in the scene. Everyone in a scene is responsible for making it a good one.

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 12:04:40 PM

SimplyMichael

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Thank you!

It is a rare treat to really see inside someone's thought processes, especially when they are really being open and honest.

Michael

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RE: It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault - 1/21/2007 12:20:49 PM

Lucius