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Jnj -> It's Not Always the Dominant's Fault (1/20/2007 9:27:42 PM)
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Earlier this year, my owner and I had a horrible accident during a scene. We were teaching a fear play class for Kinky Kollege, in which he does things to scare me periodically during the discussion, escalating it slowly until it is time to do a demo. Towards the beginning of the class, he demonstrated to the audience how easy it is to scare with quick movements -- he held a large hunting knife, one of my milder fears, a distance away from me, and quickly moved it towards me. The knife, sheathed, came towards my face, and like I'd done numerous times before when he pulled that move, I gasped, and moved my head away. This time, however, I stupidly decided to grab the knife and pull it away from him. I didn't think about it, I just did it. Only when I grabbed the knife, I yanked the sheath off and sliced my finger deeply to the bone. Three months, 8 stitches, and a procedure similar to a skin graft later, my finger is almost the same, but my mind isn’t. My biggest fear has always been amputation, and for a split second, I believed my finger has been severed. For a long time, I couldn't forget that moment, and even through the hospital visit, I kept thinking "Jim can't be trusted."
And then when I replayed the mishap in my head (which I can't stop doing), I realized that I am the one who can't be trusted. Before this accident I always held this stupid, illogical belief that a dominant has ultimate control of the scene, and anything negative that happens during it falls on his shoulders – the one in control is the one responsible. But I just can't blame Jim for this. He took many safety precautions -- sheathing the knife, describing what he would be doing, telling me to sit on my hands, warning me not to fight, etc. And still there was an accident. I tried, hard, to place the blame on him, because I don't like the thought that there are things out of his control, that is a scary concept for me, but in reality, there was nothing short of not using a knife that he could have done to stop it. I made a stupid decision and there was nothing my dominant could do to prevent negative consequences. He can give me the tools not to fuck up, but ultimately, he can't prevent it. For me, that was a brick to the head. I’ve always had this romantic idea of dominant as God, and I’ve had a hard time coming to the rational decision that he simply isn’t.
I've changed my outlook on our relationship because of this accident. I feel it has matured me, made me more aware of the effect and active role I play in his ownership of me. I now feel like it isn't weak for him to need my help to make his dominance stronger--I can see that, in a sense broader than this incident, there are things I can do to take away his control and things I can do to support it. I am no longer just a thing to be controlled, I'm now apart of what is necessary for the control, and it is a wonderful feeling. It sucks that I can’t seem him as omnipotent anymore, but I feel like I’ve gained a different style of respect for our relationship by letting that illogical idea go.
I just wanted to share my “Duh!” moment with the world, and would be very interested in hearing from others who have had epiphanies because of scenes.
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