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littlesarbonn -> The dilemmas of being a service submissive (things to think about) (1/19/2007 12:10:20 PM)
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First off, this isn’t meant to be a complaint article, but one of an informational construct that hopefully will fuel further conversation. As a lifestyle, service submissive, one who has been one for most of my connection to a D/s element, I often find myself in a unique area where my perspective has been able to observe and comment on many concepts involving service submission.
First off, it has been my experience, and my observation, that there are a LOT of women who indicate that they are looking for a service submissive. Not all of them, of course, but enough that would cause one to think that there must be something to this style of submission that attracts so many different women. The obvious generalization to this is that a service submissive serves to do things for the dominant that the dominant would rather not do for herself (I’m using a specific gender here because it is what I am used to, but to be honest, it can fit whatever genders are appropriate to your own specific situation and dynamic). And for the most part, that’s an easy enough definition to stick behind and be comfortable with. However, like with all things, I’m sure there are a number of other reasons a dominant might seek such a thing, so I won’t try to be all inclusive in my beliefs of why people do what they do.
But when it comes to dominants looking for service submissives, I find a great deal of them who contact me, or people I have known and observed, are usually looking for someone like me, who espouses the mindset that I am a service submissive because I gain great pleasure from making a woman happy because of the work that I can do in her honor. When such a situation occurs over a long period, it can be a wonderful experience, at least for me and a so-inclined partner. However, there are dilemmas that come up as part of this paradigm, and the purpose of this article is to bring them to light because there is more going on here than I believe most people have successfully focused upon.
1. The False Dichotomy. To begin with, before even getting into the whole concept of service submission, it is probably important to point out one of the real problems that I have yet to see a solution that does not involve a lot of patience, time and hard-headedness. A lot of submissives realize that they need to do something to attract the person to whom they would LOVE to serve, so they are decent enough observers of trends and realize that advertising as a service submissive can sometimes be what is necessary to put their name at the head of a list of a lot of wannabe submissives who are vying for the same attention. The obvious problem here is that they’re not really service submissives, but they hope that if they jump in, do the minimum amount of work to “fool” the dominant, they can still manage to get what they are seeking when it comes to fulfilling their sexual, submissive fantasies. This usually ends badly and ends up making the dominant even more apprehensive about giving the next person a chance so that when a real service submissive does show up, sometimes the hoops she puts him through are placed so high that no one is capable of actually jumping through them, or on cost-benefit analysis alone, not worth even trying.
2. An Unfortunate Corollary of the False Dichotomy. Because of the amount of these people who are vying for a dominant’s attention, there exists a new problem that I don’t think most women realize, or recognize. I’ll give an example rather than an explanation: As a service submissive, like I mentioned, my main desire in life is bringing happiness and comfort to the woman to whom I serve. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have BDSM desires as well. I just shut most of them off, or place them into a stable corner, so that I can focus on the woman completely and attempt to ignore my own fantasies. But that doesn’t mean they go away. After time, and I’m talking a long period of time, even the most dedicated service submissive starts to have personal needs as well, and quite often it is very difficult to bring them up because of that previous False Dichotomy, which immediately sheds a negative light on the service submissive who starts to show signs of wanting something different than just serving quietly without any wants and desires. The better dominants in my past have been the ones who recognized this from the beginning of our relationships, talked about fantasies and such, and filed them away for possibly revisiting those, on her schedule, involving her desires, at a later time. This is much different than the service submissive who goes into a relationship expecting fantasy fulfillment at the drop of a hat. However, without this dynamic, I have observed a lot of really strong potential relationships end without the dominant ever figuring out why, and then in conversations with me (I have a lot of dominant friends who have talked to me over the years), they tell me that obviously the person wasn’t really a service submissive, even though they had collared them for years before the breakdown occurred.
3. The Other Person Syndrome. I’ll be honest. This happens so many times that I’ve almost resigned myself to believing there’s no way to avoid it. Here’s an example: A dominant person will spend months, years, looking for a real service submissive, rather than one of the wannabes or pretenders, and when she finds him, she will eventually collar him, and a period of time passes where bliss exists between the two of them. Then something bizarre happens. She starts to believe that because he was findable, there must be lots like him, so she begins to seek out people who claim to be service submissives. I don’t know why. It just happens, and not just with me alone. She’ll find someone who claims to be just that, and because of the previous success, she will believe she’s found someone sincere and bring that person into her life, too, thinking, “well, two cleaners have to be better than one.” And quite often, one of two things happens. Either the original service submissive gets frustrated at having been cast to the side as replaceable, and eventually leaves, or the new one become so overbearing and needy, because that’s what he was before the rose-colored search approach began, that it affects all relationships, and eventually she’s left with no one, or with just the new guy who wasn’t all that sincere in the first place.
4. The Other Person Syndrome (revisited). This is the one scenario I’m most familiar with, and I think it’s one that people should examine much more in detail. This has to do with the dominant’s fantasy of what a service submissive is (revisiting the first dilemma of this essay). When she finds him, she’s happy, and all is great. Then she goes forth and looks for a submissive to fill her “other” needs. She’ll have that original service submissive, a slave to go to parties with, then she’ll find one that provides her with sex, or whatever other need she has, and then one for punishments. In the end, the service submissive, who I mentioned has other needs, even if they aren’t the priority, realizes that she has little need for him in a bdsm dynamic, and quite often in a D/s dynamic, so he decides, “hey, I can clean my own bathroom and get about as much pleasure out of it if she’s got all these other slaves to fulfill her needs and I’m just a number.” So he leaves. This doesn’t fit the fantasy that a lot of dominants have, so they tend not to believe this is an issue. I’ll give you two examples of my past that still have me shaking my head. After a relationship of mine ended, a woman contacted me out of the blue, having one of her former submissives make the contact. She wanted to own me. She knew I was a service submissive, and she was going to take advantage of that. She ended up actually wanting me to come to her place, clean, and then leave. She had “real” submissives for punishing and all that other stuff that involved “play.” Because having to supervise me would be a “burden” and I was so into not making a dominant’s life a burden, she would have one of her male submissive supervise me, and I would actually never have actual contact with her. My heart was definitely a flutter at this potential relationship. Another woman contacted me not much longer after that and wanted me to be her mirror cleaning slave. You may guess where this is going. She ONLY wanted me cleaning her mirrors, and she had other guys to play with so, anything else I did in her presence would only get in the way. Yes, people actually think this way and then wonder why they can never find a legit service submissive.
Anyway, this wasn’t really supposed to be a gripe, but an informational essay on something to think about if you are seeking a service submissive or you want to keep the one that you have. Your mileage may vary, but the journey still requires tires on the car.
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