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Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:24:36 AM

missturbation

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What do you do when you see signs of past behaviour from partners in present partners?

If your ex partner was always flirting with others but told you it was harmless, when really they were playing several women at once. You then see your present partner being flirtatious and again they tell you it is harmless.

How do you stop yourself doubting your present partner?

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RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:37:49 AM

MasterFireMaam

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When I run into stuff like this, here's what I do:

I'd talk to my new partner openly and honestly about how the behavior makes me feel and why I think I feel that way. I'd try to not focus on the fact that he does it...only on the emotions I have about it and where they come from. For example, if I felt as you did, I might say, "I was very hurt by my last partner's infidelity. When I found out, one of the things that made me feel stupid about not seeing it before was how he was an outrageous flirt. It really was one of those "signs" I thought I should have gotten right away and not seeing it when it was right in front of me made me doubt my abilities to choose a partner. I've noticed that you flirt as well and I'm stuggling with trying to accept that this is a facet of your personality and not to see it as a sign of infidelity on your part. Whether it is or isn't really isn't the point of me telling you this. I simply want you to know that I'm stuggling and I'd like to talk about it. I'm not totally sure that I can handle this right now, even if it's innocent on your part, simply because of my past. I hope you understand that I'm not asking you to change, but that I may have to back away at some point due to my own issues with it."

Now, your partner knows how you feel when you see his actions, why you feel that way and that you want to talk about it. He will say stuff and perhaps change, or perhaps not. That's his choice. It's then your choice how you to react to that. You may find that you overcome your doubts and learn to trust. You may find that, right now, it's such a huge issue for you, it's a boundary that you can't cross. In either case, you make a decisions based on the emotional bartering that goes on between the two of you.

Hope this helps.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Post #: 2

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:39:28 AM

missturbation

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Thank you - it does help very much so.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 3

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:44:10 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

What do you do when you see signs of past behaviour from partners in present partners?

If your ex partner was always flirting with others but told you it was harmless, when really they were playing several women at once. You then see your present partner being flirtatious and again they tell you it is harmless.

How do you stop yourself doubting your present partner?

by being honest about my feelings

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Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:47:53 AM

LaTigresse

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Misst, it's hard for me to imagine because I don't have a jealous bone in my body. I enjoy watching a partner flirt actually. Let me try and explain how I look at it and maybe it will be of help to you.

I believe in relationships, I am not interested in playing the field or whatever you want to call it. I am also perfectly content with being without if there is no relationship.

HOWEVER, when I am in a relationship it seems I always have a partner that is a social butterfly life of the party type of personality. Everyone is drawn to them like moths to a flame. They are delightful, witty, flirty, fun, people to be around. I have had people come up and ask me, "gawd, doesn't that bother you?!?!?" as I sat back and watched the fun. My answer is always similar to this. "Oh good lord no!"

Why, you may ask. Because that person chose to be with me, chose to go to that party with ME, and most importantly gives me no doubt they want to go home from that party with ME. I get to see all of them, not just the party animal, but the soft vulnerable stuff, the hidden stuff. All the things they don't show the rest of the world, the parts that show how much they trust me and love me.

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:51:36 AM

missturbation

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I get to see all of them, not just the party animal, but the soft vulnerable stuff, the hidden stuff. All the things they don't show the rest of the world, the parts that show how much they trust me and love me.

if you dont mind im going to keep this bit somewhere so i can look at it when i feel jealous and insecure as a reminder that i'm being silly.
Thank you

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 6

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:54:22 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
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From: All over now in Minnesota
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

What do you do when you see signs of past behaviour from partners in present partners?

If your ex partner was always flirting with others but told you it was harmless, when really they were playing several women at once. You then see your present partner being flirtatious and again they tell you it is harmless.

How do you stop yourself doubting your present partner?

Just recognizing that you are doing that is the first and biggest step in taking care of the problem.

Personally I think being able to communicate your feelings in this area to your other is important. Not so much hoping or wanting them to change their behavior because to me that is in the realm of dumping your issues on them, but in terms of for them to be able to understand what is going through your head, giving the person some slack to work through the issue, which many times is by over time and events and for them to adjust or reassure their other that they are not the ex.

Like all things honest communication is critical. It often is the best way by far not to let misunderstandings or resentments built up before the symptoms and problems grow too large to handle.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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Post #: 7

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 11:54:36 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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What Fire said :) I don't stop myself from doubting, I openly admit I'm doubting, discover why and we see how to respond to that together.

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Post #: 8

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:06:10 PM

lighthearted

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

I'm not totally sure that I can handle this right now, even if it's innocent on your part, simply because of my past.

I think that's excellent advice for handling a lot of issues...thanks.

_____________________________

"Thou art to me a delicious torment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Post #: 9

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:29:07 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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It's weird how the brain works hey...I noticed something occurring in regards to Master when he first came...and it was over something really stupid....Master really likes 70's rock music...my immediate association with 70's rock music is with my first husband. I really noticed a process over that. Thing is, with allowing myself to process it..I realised some part of me had rejected that entire era because of my ex husband..and after coming to terms with the fact that master was not my first husband I could actually embrace the fact I really liked that music too....

I dunno if its the same thing, but thats what i thought of when I read your topic missturbation.

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Post #: 10

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:32:27 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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Due to pain in your life that affects your ability to trust it is indeed common to carry those fears and baggage with you onto a new person.
You have to remind yourself this man is not the other and trust him, or decide it's not worth the risk and cut the relationship.

I too have huge trust issues, and most of the time I recognize it's my neurosis and my baggage.
It does not help you not feel that way, but if you recognize it you can stop from transposing that onto an innocent person thus not letting your own insecurity and trust have power over you.

Mind you though I KNOW this, I have found in my relationship with my new Sir this simple advice is NOT simple to follow at all, but I diligently am working on this as my goal also.
I feel ya missy, really I do.
Hugs,
suzanne

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 11

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:39:43 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterFireMaam

When I run into stuff like this, here's what I do:

I'd talk to my new partner openly and honestly about how the behavior makes me feel and why I think I feel that way. I'd try to not focus on the fact that he does it...only on the emotions I have about it and where they come from. For example, if I felt as you did, I might say, "I was very hurt by my last partner's infidelity. When I found out, one of the things that made me feel stupid about not seeing it before was how he was an outrageous flirt. It really was one of those "signs" I thought I should have gotten right away and not seeing it when it was right in front of me made me doubt my abilities to choose a partner. I've noticed that you flirt as well and I'm struggling with trying to accept that this is a facet of your personality and not to see it as a sign of infidelity on your part. Whether it is or isn't really isn't the point of me telling you this. I simply want you to know that I'm struggling and I'd like to talk about it. I'm not totally sure that I can handle this right now, even if it's innocent on your part, simply because of my past. I hope you understand that I'm not asking you to change, but that I may have to back away at some point due to my own issues with it."

Now, your partner knows how you feel when you see his actions, why you feel that way and that you want to talk about it. He will say stuff and perhaps change, or perhaps not. That's his choice. It's then your choice how you to react to that. You may find that you overcome your doubts and learn to trust. You may find that, right now, it's such a huge issue for you, it's a boundary that you can't cross. In either case, you make a decisions based on the emotional bartering that goes on between the two of you.

Hope this helps.

Master Fire

I personally do use this approach and I find this is rock solid advice.
In that this has almost always backfired on me and this other person can't discern between my baggage and feeling like I'm attacking them.
I can say 25 times in a conversation this is my trust issues due to X happening, this has nothing to do with you specifically, I have no issue with you or your behavior, it's just bringing up fears like ghosts from the past that haunt me.
I've went so far as to say in a vanilla relationship this may not be relevant to share but in D/s I especially think it's my job to make you aware of where I am inside myself.
So far this has never been accepted for what it was, but was taken as me having problems with that person and being manipulative.

I will continue to be mature and use this method though it's bit me hard as like you Master Fire Maam I agree it's the only way to approach it.
suzanne

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 12

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:41:22 PM

CreativeDominant

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Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

What do you do when you see signs of past behaviour from partners in present partners?

If your ex partner was always flirting with others but told you it was harmless, when really they were playing several women at once. You then see your present partner being flirtatious and again they tell you it is harmless.

How do you stop yourself doubting your present partner?

I think the advice and the observations you have gotten have been extraordinarily well though-out.

I was with a partner who was extremely jealous. I've always been an affectionate, open, giving, somewhat flirtatious type of person. Yet, except for a short period right after my marriage, I have never been a "player". If I was with one, then that is the one I chose to be with. I toned down my behavior even though I never felt that it was a problem to anyone except to those who always think their partners are after another "notch" and to my partner who, due to her insecurities about another boyfriend...just as you mention...led her to think that I was going to be unfaithful too. Rather than communicate, as has been suggested here, she told me I had to stop or she was gone. At that time in my life, keeping her in my life was more important than the ability to behave as myself. But it was just one of the things that kept chafing at me...why did I have to behave "just so" in order to prove that I was true to her? Because she said so? Because of what another guy had done years before? Because of the general conception of all men...flirting means infidelity? Though it was not the cause of the break-up, it was one more factor.

This is why I make who and what I am clear and one of the things I make clear is that I like people...women as well as men. I do like to flirt. It is a way of having fun and a way of building up others and a way of getting ego strokes from others. BUT..if I have chosen to be with you, then it is because there is something about you that outshines all these others that I talk and flirt with...not necessarily your looks, not necessarily your body, not necessarily your brain, and not necessarily your heart but rather how it alllllllllllllllll, within you as a package, relates to me and how I relate to you.

Recognition of the fact that it comes from somewhere within you and not automatically assuming that he IS unfaithful states a lot about your character, missturbation...I commend you.

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 13

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:44:39 PM

windchymes

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For me, it depends on the type of behavior. For something like flirting or quirky habits, then that warrants a conversation and probable attitude adjustment on my part.

If it's something like substance abuse, especially a drinking problem, or physical or mental abuse, then I am out the door immediately and slamming it behind me. This are from my personal experience. I was in a disastrous marriage with alcohol and mental abuse, and I am not about to let any relationship progress if I see evidence of them again. I end it immediately.

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RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:44:50 PM

HatesParisHilton

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LOL, ever heard of the ouroberous? (snake eating it's own tail.)

one of my problems with signs of past behaviour from partners in present partners is when they have a problem with a sign of past behaviour of a past partner in me as a present partner! which aggravates me and makes me refelexively then do what THEY are doing! LMAO. The relationship snake eating it's own tail...

In which case I tell them that fair is fair, "goose for gander" etc, that I promise to give them the benefit of the doubt for as long as they do the same for me.

example: they tell me they've had a prob with a guy that's made them a "work widow" before. Okay, understood. I tell them I've had a prob with women whom begin nagging too fast too soon before a proper committment can be ascertained, much less cemented. I state I'm willing to self monitor potential lack of attention for her due to projects as long as she self monitors "henpecking".

So I've found that being honest with hard limits RE relating apart from kink at the outset is as necessary as doing so for kinkstuff.

now after that, if something for me comes up, I just quietly and gently take her aside and say, "uh, look, when I broke up with (---), one of the reasons was (xxx), and last night, when you (yyy), it was for me a definite case of (xxx). I'm sure you never meant it that way, but if we want this thing of ours to bloom, I can't be around that, okay?"

RE fidelity/flirting as a trigger for this (your example), many times people think I'm flirting when I'm not, because their flirting style is subtle and by my definition "just friendly" and nearly invisible, so when I'm being friendly by my yardstick they think I'm flirting (when I'm not; when I come on it's like a jackhammer being used to fix a stopwatch, thus I don' flirt much, at least not successfully, LOL). And for me, a woman can fuck with anyone she likes no worries, but the EMOTIONAL fidelity? THAT I need. So when they appear to be giving me their booty, don;t give da booty to other lads but give THEIR HEART to other lads at the expense of OUR time together, that really shits me off. Then I explain as stated above.

After that, sadly, relationships are a "come what ma/proof of the pudding" thing. Too much overtalking can kill anything.

great thread! love your other posts as well!

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RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 12:47:46 PM

thetammyjo

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If things ended badly in one relationship I think it is only normal to be wary with later relationships.

Faith, Anna, and Fox all had to deal with the Shadow of Treasure who betrayed me in a very deep way. They each just stuck around and were consistantly loyal and honest.

To be honest myself, it took almost 4 years for me to really trust that Fox was completely sincere in his service. He decision to not leave after he finished his degree and get a crappy job so he could remain my slave was the thing that finally crumbled my walls down.

That and we did some rituals to cleanse me of the negative energies still around from the previous thing -- rituals included cleansing the house with the help of some pagan friends, burning all the ex's pictures and removing all mentions of him in any written form. It was so amazing how much that helped me.

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Post #: 16

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 1:23:45 PM

missturbation

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Thank you all for your replies and advice so far. It is so good to know im not the only one who has experienced / dealt with things like this. Saying that i never thought i would be .

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 17

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 1:50:24 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill
In that this has almost always backfired on me

Most of the reason it's backfired, I'm guessing, is because of the reaction of the other person. At least, this is how it's happened with me. Sometimes, no matter what we say or how we say it, they'll be offended or put on the defensive. That's all due to their stuff. All we can do is react.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 18

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 1:57:26 PM

bandit25

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That's just how I feel LaTigresse. That person chose me.

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Post #: 19

RE: Past repeating itself? - 1/12/2007 8:02:42 PM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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Look inward to see why you choose partners who flirt with others, YOU are the common demonator in all these relationships, find out why you choose these sort of men.

(in reply to bandit25)

Post #: 20

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