slavejali
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I think, because I am submissive in relationship, this is the one fact that makes me a slave. I've submitted to not so healthy relationship situations and incredibly healthy ones.
The fact is also, the very act of submission itself makes me dependent on my partner. I'm totally ok with that and don't feel any need to heal myself from it.
When I was young-(er)...I didn't really have the knowledge of the possible repercussions of my submissiveness when it came to getting involved with other people. I felt entirely fulfilled within an abusive situation, simply because it satiated my need within relationship to submit and feel owned and used and dominated.
Today I can write about my morals and ethics within relationship, because basically years have ticked away and I have had the experience to understand the repercussions that occur within me when different types of things happen. Example: Today I can say 'if this thing occurred my ability to submit and be slave would be jeopardised"...yet I couldnt have said that years ago...in fact years ago, different sitautions did occur that went totally against my ethics (unknown to me at the time) and i did still submit..but those situations ate away at me..leaving me with the feeling that there was only a flicker of life left inside me and the slightest breeze would blow it out.
Example: Years ago when my partner slept with other people, I would feel the hurt, I would feel the betrayal, but would always make exuses within myself to justify his actions and make it ok..so that my submission could continue..I was enslaved..
Years ago, I would sleep with other people because it made my partner happy, yet everytime i did, it ate away at my sense of what relationship was and so displaced me within that relationship till I did not know who I was. I was no longer my own person, but his slave...
Years ago, I;ve tried to please an unpleasable partner to the point of utter exhuastion, emotionally, mentally and physically..enslaved fully...
None of these actions meant that I was uncreative, uneducated, unwhatever..however if he said jump, no matter how long it took for him to break me down to his will, I would. The power he had over me was my submission nature towards intimate relationship...it kept me there.
When I eventually left that relationship, I went through a period of thinking that my submission was a bad thing. At that time in my life i was healing, I did a lot of research into various things. I was a ward of the state and so had counsellers from the family law place come and interview me from time to time during my childhood to see how I was doing, I gained access to those records and it was so strange for me to see a whole monologue about my relationship with my first partner. Statements such as "It's of concern of the obvious control her boyfriend has over her.." That was a totally weird thing to read, someone else making an opinion about your life and relationships. Anyways, at that time, reading stuff like that, confirmed to me that how i was being in relationships was unhealthy and had led to all my suffering.
I had no clue how to have a relationship without being submissive, so I just didn't have one. I injected myself into life and into everything that didn't include an intimate relationship that would lead to submission. This was a wonderful period of my life, I learnt and experienced so much..I found myself again, or perhaps i found myself more fully than I had ever known before.
Then as fate would have it, I found myself in my very first BDSM master/slave relationship. It was then that I realised my submissive self was not a bad thing, my dependency was not a bad thing....it was the ingredient that would make for a most amazing beautiful relationship dependent on the fact that my "other" the dominant side of the relationship had his shit together.
I've been the submissive half now to 3 relationships since that first relationship..and each of those subsequent relationships have been soo incredible. i have been enslaved to those partners..fully...and its been a productive liason because of the attitude of the dominant partner and his ability to use me in productive ways.
I wonder though, when I do make statements like "if this such and such a thing happened, my submission and slavery would be threatened"...how much validity that has...because simply, its never been tested..I haven't had a partner since that time who has threatened my ethics..and i wonder if it did happen whether I would jsut repeat the same submissive (enslaved) attitude to it that I did in my first relationship..and all my sprouting of..."I wouldn't be submissive or enslaved anymore" is all bullshit. I guess realistically, the only change would be that i would know now the repercussion of my choice to accept that thing that is going against what I believe to be true inside me...and that knowledge would over-ride the event being able to eat me away on the inside because I' more conscious now of embracing my submission as myself and knowing it is my submission that feeds me, rather than events itself.
My submission(slavery) within relationship has never changed, however I guess in my explorations through the course of my life, I've realised that every choice we make is going to have an effect and a deep impact on our lives and so realised how incredibly important those moments of choice are in our lives. Once you've been taken you're fucked as a submissive if you've made the wrong choice.
I think, submissives, by their very action of being submissive, lose the ability of choice after being taken, and that is what it is to be enslaved.
Well..there are my thoughts for the day.
Any thoughts?
< Message edited by slavejali -- 1/11/2007 4:48:34 PM >
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