RE: Never in the "mood"

RE: Never in the "mood" (Full Version)

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alandraofMists -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 9:30:14 AM)
Some ideas for mental preparation, placing a play collar on instead of the normal collar worn..... kneeling with eyes closed clearing ones head while You set out the toys.... saying a mantra...."i am her toy to play with".... or helping your with Your shower or bath, laying out Your clothes, dressing You, having a shower and getting himself clean and prepared for the evening. two different examples of types of mental preparations that i have done, one can be done before going out for the evening or starting setting up for play, the other can be done in the time it takes to set up you play space..... In answer to your other question...i have a question of my own.... what made it so successful? Was it the emotions that the play brought out or the amount of play that happened? Knight’s alandra

DominaSmartass -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 11:24:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Jasmyn Personally I'd tell him to stop putting up smokescreens for excuses and get honest, with himself, and you... he's bored ...just a hunch Thanks for your expert opinion. I'm sure that's it. So what would you recommend? Maybe hiring a professional Mistress to teach me a few new tricks?

DominaSmartass -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 11:32:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: alandraofMists Some ideas for mental preparation, placing a play collar on instead of the normal collar worn..... kneeling with eyes closed clearing ones head while You set out the toys.... saying a mantra...."i am her toy to play with".... or helping your with Your shower or bath, laying out Your clothes, dressing You, having a shower and getting himself clean and prepared for the evening. two different examples of types of mental preparations that i have done, one can be done before going out for the evening or starting setting up for play, the other can be done in the time it takes to set up you play space..... In answer to your other question...i have a question of my own.... what made it so successful? Was it the emotions that the play brought out or the amount of play that happened? Good suggestions, I'm going to have to think about what I want him to say and do and how but definitely something ritualistic to set the mood. As for what was successfull about that time with the spoon, I think the spontaneity helped. He wasn't expecting it at all. I was packing up boxes in the kitchen for our move and he was watching tv. I came across the wooden spoon and got inspired ;) Also, it only lasted a few minutes and I didn't go that hard (which I normally wouldn't until a good 10 minutes or more of warmup anyway.) So by the time I figured it was time to get back to packing he had a barely red ass but seemed very happy that I had thought to take a little interlude. On the other hand, one night when I told him I wanted try out my new cane and lead him willingly into the bedroom, I was just making it to the hard strokes when he responded more than he normally would by moving his legs and I grabbed them, thinking he was being playfully frisky, but he told me it just wasn't feeling good. Well, I've got something up my sleeve for tonight, we'll see how it goes.

DominaSmartass -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 11:37:54 AM)
I was rereading the responses and never thought of this before but I thought this might be worth mentioning. It has been about a year and a half since he last played with anyone on a regular basis (much less engaged in a d/s relationship of any type) and the times he would play in the interim have been big public events like TES-FEST or Black Rose, etc. When he goes to an event he's psyched up and is often used as a demo bottom because of his masochistic abilities. Could it be that the transition to a more regular, daily life that includes some play here and there is just more difficult than I thought? We are now living together after meeting 5 months ago and being primarily long distance because of my job. Both of us wanted to move when our leases were up in December and it made sense to room together. So the fact is, we haven't truly had 5 months of being together day in and day out. It could be that there is a different mentality needed when going from the "It's friday night and I've got a hot playdate" life to "It's mond/tues/wed/etc. and I'm coming home from work to find someone eager to play." Any thoughts?

Celeste43 -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 5:41:58 PM)
You've got a point there. Back when we were ldr I would anticipate seeing him and be all excited about it and ready. Living together is tougher, you realize you haven't gotten to the grocery store, laundry needs to be done and you have to go buy your least favorite aunt a birthday present. Maybe date nights? Make a list of everything that you both need to do and work on them midweek so that Saturday morning you play and then go out for brunch. The other thing here is that midweek we're always sleep deprived. So I feel more relaxed on a weekend morning. Something he does when I start ducking a lot and can't explain why is when he wakes up before me he gets out the toys and starts to tie me up. I'm relaxed and have had enough sleep, nothing real has intruded yet, and it's easy to just go with the flow.

Sinergy -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/4/2007 8:07:18 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass Thanks, LA, the suggestion about having him make the play space is a great one. We actually just moved into our place together a couple of days ago and I'm about to have to leave for 3 weeks for my job again so he can have some time to organize all that while I'm gone. I keep cutting him slack because we're in the middle of a move or he's starting a new job or I am or one thing or another is stressful (and he's got some issues that influence his ability to handle stress and change in environment as it is...) So I tend to take him at face value (i.e. Ponyseeker). I think that creating a separate area that can be transformed into the "dungeon" and even making appointments with each other to play there, like on Friday night, as if we were really going to a dungeon, might be helpful. Hello, Having done some research into relationships, I would have to agree with the poster who suggested setting up a play area, as well as your comment about setting up a time and a place for those sorts of activities. One thing which frequently happens in long term relationships is a fading of the sexual desire between one or more of the partners, for example. One recommendation I read a while back involved scheduling times and places in advance, and setting up the act of love making as a priority. This strikes me as having importance in the lifestyle, because life has a way of distracting people away from what is most importance. Make the play space his project. Have him write on the calendar those nights you are planning on using him. Use self discipline to make yourself use him on the scheduled nights. Get him used to the idea that you are in charge, and are not willing to let the vagaries of life influence your control of the situation. As somebody who has raised kids, taught people, and done the whole Dominant thing, I am a bit puzzled by your comment that you "cut him some slack." In my opinion, there is always a reason a person is having issues, and if I cut that person some slack I view it as being akin to using the concept of "denial" as a means of managing the relationship. Cutting him some slack is, in my opinion, allowing his issues to control the direction and timing of your dynamic. Hope this helps, and if it doesnt, I am more than willing to be wrong. Sinergy

DominaSmartass -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 12:57:57 AM)
Thanks for the good advice, Sinergy. As for cutting slack, I basically meant that I can tell when he's not in the mood to be played with and even if I am itching for play, I won't try to because I know he has had a rough day or is overly tired or stressed or whatever the case may be. We are still in the very early stages of a relationship IMO, so I don't feel the need to do everything I dream of doing right now, you know? I know we will have plenty of time and sometimes cuddling or even being alone is what he needs rather than me beating on him ;) I have never been one to believe that the relationship is all about me, though many dominants do say that. As we transition from a long distance thing where we saw each other about a week or 2 every 4 weeks to co-habitation, I know there are some changes to be expected and dealing with the ins and outs of everyday life is part of that. But I can't really complain. Tonight he did the dishes, vacuumed up a bug, and gave me an amazing orgasm. Lol.

Focus50 -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 5:28:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass Right, as I've said, our overall relationship is not based on an unequal control dynamic. In the time that we've been together, he has slowly become more comfortable giving me control of things and the relationship has become more like d/s but this guy is one that is going to take patience to pay off in the longrun. For the moment, I believe that he only continues to give up control at all because he trusts me to respect him and not hurt him. If me caning him is hurting (in the bad way) and he tells me so, I would be violating that trust to keep going. And if it doesn't pay off in the end, however long that takes to find out yes or no, I still have a wonderful kinky boyfriend. We've already agreed that if we do not turn out to be the best d/s partners for each other we will seek elsewhere but what we have in terms of a relationship is conceivably a lifelong partnership in the making. So yes, I would like to be "the domme" but he is experienced enough to know for himself when he feels that role starting to take over and I cannot force it. At the beginning of our relationship I tried requiring a few things right off the bat but he balked. I've found it much more successful to let him set the pace of any actual "submission" he is willing to give. This may seem like I am letting him have all the control, but when you care deeply about a person it would be stupid to set some sort of ultimatum like "submit now or get out." He and I have both expressed that regardless of the d/s, we want to be together, so now, as the thread indicated, I am looking for potential solutions to the problem of him not being in the right frame of mind to take pain when that's what I want to do to him. As for your perception that the relationship is vague and needs defining, I disagree. I don't see how it could be more clear what we are to one another. I only wish I could express it better so that it doesn't come across as being undefined. The lines are very clear and I've stated them a few times already in this thread. Then as I said, get used to "moods". To be honest, I get the feeling he's happier than you because he's not only getting all his needs met, his "moods" are deciding when you play and when you don't. While your nurturing, sympathy and awareness of his needs are commendable, the whole relationship just seems more about him than you - certainly the physical side of it. The lines that "are very clear" are certainly working for him and you don't need to state them for me again. Even in supposed egalitarian vanilla relationships, one partner still often defers to the other, though this is more by convenience than design. In your kink, seems you top him moreso than dominate him but he seems to be the one who has control at a relationship level. But hey, you're there, I'm not.... If you're truly happy, I can hardly argue with that. Good luck. [:)] Focus.

Jasmyn -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 6:05:24 AM)
I said it was a hunch... and reading more of your posts ..I'm inclined to think my hunch is correct ... Focus has pretty much captured above why I think he is 'bored' ... while you think you are doing the right thing pussy footing around the d/s ... without it, he's never going to be in the 'mood' ... he wants to be dominated ... and maybe now feeling despondent, and starting to convince himself that maybe you are incapable of doing that, hence pulling the line "not in the mood" ... it's an age old complaint from subs and it's an age old tactic ... so he's not re-inventing the wheel... he'd rather have NONE than the SOME which leaves him unfullfilled and frustrated ...like I said, ask him to get honest with himself, and you.

sharainks -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 6:25:04 AM)
Unlike a lot of the posters on this topic I tend to think that if you push too much you will probably end the relationship. When people get together on a sometimes basis they do so with the expectation that it will be playtime. The headspace is there before the car pulls up in the driveway and you are thinking "oh boy...yeah!" A 5 month relationship is still very new as well, especially to get used to living with someone. The dynamic is not the same when you work all day, come home, know that there is meal preparation, dishes, housekeeping, bill paying and obligations. It sounds more like you are both having some problems transitioning into living together. Romance him a little, let him know that come the weekend the chores and obligations are shut off and "his ass is yours" on that day. Tantalize and toy with his mind ahead of time so that he is mentally there. Not everyone has an easy time turning off the workday self and moving into the submissive mental space. Inability to do that easily can lead to feeling that things aren't feeling good, and especially after a hard day can feel more abusive than sensual. My motto has always been "where the mind goes the body will follow."

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 7:09:15 AM)
Domina: regarding moving and not having the convention energy, Yes, this was an issue for me myself. I moved from MD where there literally is a munch/demo/party every freakin day of the week, usually multiple options to choose from, as well as at least about 4 conventions a year to enjoy. You/I do get used to that sort of relaxed and yet intense regular play energy. Moving to TX, it was a hard transition. Not that Austin is a desert of play- there are a few groups, munches and parties every month, and some conventions not too far off. But I'm a pretty shy gal altogether and didn't feel like putting the energy much into forming bonds with an entirely new group of kinky people (most of whom I don't have much in common with anyway outside of kink...or even inside of kink often). My partner, on the other hand, was still greedy for the scene, so HE did all the research on the parties and munches, and slowly but surely started dragging me out to them. Dragging not in the literal sense, I was curious about the Austin scene myself, and I wanted to make him happy and I knew he was hurting from lack of connection too. I'm still not adoring play parties here, the energy and flow is quite different from the MD/DC scene. But I'm not altogether disliking it as well. So yes, that could very well be the problem. If that is the case, try and find the local stuff that IS around, trust me, in Philly, there's plenty too, and definitely close enough for both NYC and DC/Baltimore for weekend trips. I don't think you should or have to be a slave to his moods. In a big life move together, it can take months to settle in and find your new pace together. I would make him more responsible for communicating to you exactly what his feelings are before and after the scene. If, after a few months, things are not settling into a good rhythm, then you might have to look at some deeper angles and make sure this is working for everyone.

onestandingstill -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 7:29:31 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass Thanks for the good advice, Sinergy. As for cutting slack, I basically meant that I can tell when he's not in the mood to be played with and even if I am itching for play, I won't try to because I know he has had a rough day or is overly tired or stressed or whatever the case may be. We are still in the very early stages of a relationship IMO, so I don't feel the need to do everything I dream of doing right now, you know? I know we will have plenty of time and sometimes cuddling or even being alone is what he needs rather than me beating on him ;) I have never been one to believe that the relationship is all about me, though many dominants do say that. As we transition from a long distance thing where we saw each other about a week or 2 every 4 weeks to co-habitation, I know there are some changes to be expected and dealing with the ins and outs of everyday life is part of that. But I can't really complain. Tonight he did the dishes, vacuumed up a bug, and gave me an amazing orgasm. Lol. I think the opposite handling works best to meet my needs as a sub in this regard. If I had a really crappy day or am not feeling well, but not seriously ill playing takes it all away for a while. It is a perfect way to change the focus of my energy and make me and up all relaxed and fuzzy inside. I also want with my everything to be inconvenienced and used as the Dom I with desires. It's part of the whole D/s dynamic between us being reinforced in my eyes. If you didn't play with me when I just plain didn't feel like it I'd consider you a weak Domme. Sorry for the strong opinion, but it's really the way I feel. I would end up losing respect of you being in control if you bent to my wants at the moment too often. For me there's a big difference in meeting my needs, caring for me, and letting me have my own way. I don't want to have my way be the lamp that lights our feet, but I don't want my light put out either. It's I'm sure quite a balancing act to be firm, but not an ass. That has a lot to do with why I'm not a Top or Domme . I don't want the weight of the responsibility to be all on my choices as I too want to please my partner and meet their desires. suzanne

Phoenix2raven -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 7:41:46 AM)
I would say that having him create the safe place is an excellent suggestion. I would add a little ritual just before you begin. That may help him get in the headspace he is talking about.

alandraofMists -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 10:42:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass As for what was successfull about that time with the spoon, I think the spontaneity helped. He wasn't expecting it at all. I was packing up boxes in the kitchen for our move and he was watching tv. I came across the wooden spoon and got inspired ;) Also, it only lasted a few minutes and I didn't go that hard (which I normally wouldn't until a good 10 minutes or more of warmup anyway.) So by the time I figured it was time to get back to packing he had a barely red ass but seemed very happy that I had thought to take a little interlude. On the other hand, one night when I told him I wanted try out my new cane and lead him willingly into the bedroom, I was just making it to the hard strokes when he responded more than he normally would by moving his legs and I grabbed them, thinking he was being playfully frisky, but he told me it just wasn't feeling good. Well, I've got something up my sleeve for tonight, we'll see how it goes. So what i am reading in your reply is the wooden spoon was a more playful and spontaneous.... and the cane was more of a controlled learning of a new toy and not as much playfulness? Just some other thoughts... with the wooden spoon he was relaxed and doing nothing of importance (watching TV) therefore he was uninhibited and could enter into the spontaneity of play easily. Was he relaxed and not doing anything or thinking of anything of importance when the cane was tried? Did he have time to clear his mind so that he could enter into play uninhibited? The one thing that i have learned with the rituals is to have my mind uninhibited for play and to mental free myself of all worries and thoughts so that i can fully appreciate the play that is happening. This is easier to do when i am at events or play parties then at home. What i am saying is it sounds to me like he has to work on getting his mind uninhibited and clear for the both of you to enjoy your play to the fullest, and that takes work and practice to achieve. Knight's alandra

DominaSmartass -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 12:46:56 PM)
Wow I have a lot to reply to... Focus and Jasmyn, I don't really know what to say in response to either of you. Your minds are made up about what's going on and I'm not interested in spending any more time elaborating. Just didn't want to ignore your replies completely though, I do appreciate the time you've taken but I just don't know what else to say and there's not much I can take from them that applies to me right now. from sharainks quote: Unlike a lot of the posters on this topic I tend to think that if you push too much you will probably end the relationship. When people get together on a sometimes basis they do so with the expectation that it will be playtime. The headspace is there before the car pulls up in the driveway and you are thinking "oh boy...yeah!" A 5 month relationship is still very new as well, especially to get used to living with someone. Thanks Sharaink, this is the impression I get as well, i think I've been pretty clear about that from the start - that is, I am not in a place to push him into submitting. I've been told by people who know us in real life and who have known him longer than I have that I am going to have to be very patient to win his trust and I know that so far I've only made forward progress by holding my ground and making him come further towards me rather than pushing at him, metaphorically speaking. I love your idea about putting the thought in his head early that his ass will be mine, as you say. In fact, I did something like that last night/this morning, and am just hoping everything works out well when he gets home from work today. LuckyAlbatross Congrats on your move, I have family in Austin and have visited there, cool place. Plus, highest number of bookstores per capita in the US. Or so I've heard. It kind of reminds me of south florida, where I work now, a small liberal enclave within a huge conservative state. Anyway, thanks for the continued support and advice. The hardest part about my situation is that I work so far from home and just got the news that the bloody job is likely extended for quite a while so seeing each other for 1-2 weeks every 4 or so will probably be the norm for the next 6 months - year. He hates it as much as I do but I know in the end the career will be worth it. It will just barely allow us to get into a routine. On the other hand, when I do come to visit he will have all that energy pent up and no doubt will be in the mood much more than when I'm here day in, day out. And since he's from the Philly area already getting to know people here isn't such a big issue. When I'm up here in the future and we aren't in the middle of a move we will certainly go out to things and I know that improves my chances of successfull play by about 300% :) quote: I don't think you should or have to be a slave to his moods. In a big life move together, it can take months to settle in and find your new pace together. I would make him more responsible for communicating to you exactly what his feelings are before and after the scene. If, after a few months, things are not settling into a good rhythm, then you might have to look at some deeper angles and make sure this is working for everyone. Unfortunately, given the circumstances, it may be much longer than I originally thought before we hit a good rhythm together! I know he'll be coming down to visit me in FL, hopefully once a month, it's just really hard at age 22 to convince myself that my career IS more important than "some guy" even when you really, really love that guy. Arg, I've hijacked my own thread now. Hehe. onestandingstill quote: If you didn't play with me when I just plain didn't feel like it I'd consider you a weak Domme. Sorry for the strong opinion, but it's really the way I feel. I would end up losing respect of you being in control if you bent to my wants at the moment too often. For me there's a big difference in meeting my needs, caring for me, and letting me have my own way. Thanks for your reply, thoughtful as always and I agree with you in theory. It's just...I don't know how to make the point any more clear... I am not the domme, I am not his domme, he is not my slave or my sub, there is no contract, no collar, etc. The only thing we have in terms of d/s is a gender-bending Daddy/girl relationship where he is an approximately 11 year old girl named Lexi and I am Daddy, and when he enters this space he will do anything I say and also proclaims that he/she is my toy to do whatever I want with and whose goal in life is to made Daddy happy. The rest of our lives are lived as girlfriend/boyfriend even though I am the one who "wears the pants" in the relationship, but as has been pointed out so aptly by Focus, this is no more than a vanilla relationship with some bedroom kink. And I'm fine with that and I'm not trying to claim that we have anything but that. I also understand that many of you will not "get" the Daddy/girl thing, though perhaps if you knew us it would make more sense (I'm kind of butch and he's pretty femme, even as a guy.) Anyway, I hope to have clarified. The point is, this thread was not about my shortcomings as a dominant, I'm sure I have many (namely, relatively few years of experience.) but about seeking advice on how to create the headspace needed for someone to be able to let go, relax, and most of all enjoy playing. alandraofMists quote: So what i am reading in your reply is the wooden spoon was a more playful and spontaneous.... and the cane was more of a controlled learning of a new toy and not as much playfulness? Yes, the wooden spoon was very spontaneous and playful and definitely played with the little girl energy we have, just by luck perhaps? Energy is a funny thing...sometimes he just can't be gotten into little girls space and I don't believe it's through any conscious force. The cane was not so much controlled learning of a new toy as you put it, since I've had plenty of canes before. This just happened to be a new one that I hadn't ever used on him. Looking back, he was more occupied with other things. Rather than the first example where he was just watching tv, I think with the cane he was doing something on the computer, i don't know, maybe researching something. He gets super into his computer stuff and I can see how his mind would not click easily into play space. As for the use of rituals, as you and others have suggested, I will admit something and that is that rituals feel kind of silly to me. I guess I haven't found the right ones that fit my (and his) personalities. I can't imagine having him repeat much of anything, a mantra or whatnot, without laughing (I mean me laughing, if I told him to do it he would sincerely and all.) I've attended meetings on rituals and protocol before but it all just feels weird to me, like not something I'd want to do. Still I do understand the purpose of something used as a transition from our normal everyday space to our more private, intimate one. I will have to think on this and see if I can come up with anything that feels right. Anyway, thanks for all the responses, and sorry for lumping them all into one, it just seemed easier. Hope it doesn't overwhelm the system with such a long post here.

Sinergy -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 8:59:55 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass Thanks for the good advice, Sinergy. As for cutting slack, I basically meant that I can tell when he's not in the mood to be played with and even if I am itching for play, I won't try to because I know he has had a rough day or is overly tired or stressed or whatever the case may be. We are still in the very early stages of a relationship IMO, so I don't feel the need to do everything I dream of doing right now, you know? I know we will have plenty of time and sometimes cuddling or even being alone is what he needs rather than me beating on him ;) I have never been one to believe that the relationship is all about me, though many dominants do say that. As we transition from a long distance thing where we saw each other about a week or 2 every 4 weeks to co-habitation, I know there are some changes to be expected and dealing with the ins and outs of everyday life is part of that. But I can't really complain. Tonight he did the dishes, vacuumed up a bug, and gave me an amazing orgasm. Lol. You are very welcome. Glad I could help. On the other hand, we all have rough days at work. Perhaps what he really needs is for you to insist that he be done like dinner? I dont mean to sound like I disagree with what you are saying, but in my limited experience with submissives they seem to relish being forced to do things they may say up front that they are not in the mood to do. Put his ass on the spanking table and spank him silly, then force him to give you lots and lots of orgasms, and you may discover peace and tranquility in his journal. Just me, etc. Sinergy

KnightofMists -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 9:42:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass Still I do understand the purpose of something used as a transition from our normal everyday space to our more private, intimate one. I will have to think on this and see if I can come up with anything that feels right. I think people make more of rituals than what they need to be. Sometimes rituals can be rather formal or you can be more relaxed. Being aware of the person's head space is critical... are they distracted... or are they going with the flow and relaxed. A relax mood maybe is the right time for sudden spontanous play you spring on your partner. If they are distracted or focused on something... maybe you pull them away from it for a bit... maybe a simple chat... maybe a little task assigned... maybe you tell them that you plan to play alittle later... let that thought rest in their mind and it becomes the distraction to what they where doing. Watch it twist in them and then maybe chat or assign a task or maybe have him get things ready or put on some music and cuddle. The key is being aware of your partner's state of mind... and take them to the state that puts the ready for play. Play begins not when the flogger hits... but when you decide you want to play.. even when they don't know it yet. pre-play... is just as important and in my opinion more important that after-play (aftercare).

demistress -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/5/2007 9:56:43 PM)
Just my 2 cents coming in late: sit him down and ask him, be honest about you not wanting to push him, but also wanting to get and give more in your play. Ask him if he wants to be taken, or if he'd rather you gave him the time and space it sounds like he may need...... I know when I get super stressed (and/or depressed) I have a harder time being IN THE ZONE d/s wise. The holidays were super hard for me, and for about a week had me honestly doubting if I should be in BDSM at all, and I've been active and dominant only for the better part of 12 years...... communication, open and accepting communication without judgement is what I suggest.

onestandingstill -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/6/2007 9:25:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass onestandingstill quote: If you didn't play with me when I just plain didn't feel like it I'd consider you a weak Domme. Sorry for the strong opinion, but it's really the way I feel. I would end up losing respect of you being in control if you bent to my wants at the moment too often. For me there's a big difference in meeting my needs, caring for me, and letting me have my own way. Thanks for your reply, thoughtful as always and I agree with you in theory. It's just...I don't know how to make the point any more clear... I am not the domme, I am not his domme, he is not my slave or my sub, there is no contract, no collar, etc. The only thing we have in terms of d/s is a gender-bending Daddy/girl relationship where he is an approximately 11 year old girl named Lexi and I am Daddy, and when he enters this space he will do anything I say and also proclaims that he/she is my toy to do whatever I want with and whose goal in life is to made Daddy happy. The rest of our lives are lived as girlfriend/boyfriend even though I am the one who "wears the pants" in the relationship, but as has been pointed out so aptly by Focus, this is no more than a vanilla relationship with some bedroom kink. And I'm fine with that and I'm not trying to claim that we have anything but that. I also understand that many of you will not "get" the Daddy/girl thing, though perhaps if you knew us it would make more sense (I'm kind of butch and he's pretty femme, even as a guy.) Anyway, I hope to have clarified. The point is, this thread was not about my shortcomings as a dominant, I'm sure I have many (namely, relatively few years of experience.) but about seeking advice on how to create the headspace needed for someone to be able to let go, relax, and most of all enjoy playing. Granted you may not be his Dom or Master, but at the point of play that indeed in my mind is the role you've chosen to be in at that time. I have played with people who are Doms that are just my friends. If they were less Only with me because they didn't own me that still in my mind would reflect on the opinion I had of them as a Dom over all. During your scenes with anyone in my mind you are stepping into the role and position of a Top/Dom/or Master for that time you share with the bottom/daughter/sub/or slave. They depend on you to be consistent and not only use half your skills because it's not a permanent relationship. Again just my perspective on things, and not trying to offend any one here. suzanne

ownedgirlie -> RE: Never in the "mood" (1/6/2007 9:51:30 AM)
~ Fast Reply ~ This type of arrangement would be very confusing for me, but that is because my "make up" is to submit to the person I am giving myself to. If someone just used me as a bottom to them for periodic enjoyment, but did not direct me in other aspects of my life, I would not do well, nor would I even know why I wasn't doing well. It would create internal conflict and chaos for me, and I would shut down, therefore never being in the "mood," either. It would end up being a painful situation for me with little emotional gratification. I realize this is not a universal view, but it is mine, and perhaps the person in question's, too.

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