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Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 9:51:49 AM

DominaSmartass

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From: This month? Maryland
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Looking for some advice or personal anecdotes on situations possibly similar to my own here. I have been in a quasi-d/s relationship for about 5 months with someone, I say "quasi" because we are by no means 24/7 d/s or TPE or M/s, etc. We are girlfriend/boyfriend, romantic partners, lovers, and roommates, and also there is a Daddy/girl thing (I am the Daddy and he is my girl.) While this person does identify as submissive and even a slave in his own mind, he is not my slave and both of us know that. He also calls himself a masochist and I know from his past experiences that he not only tolerates but enjoys high levels of pain/impact play - which are what I love from the topside. So here's the issue...while everything in the relationship is going along very well, the one area where I am not so fulfilled is the S&M play. Many times I've initiated scenes where he will go along for a period of time but within 10 minutes or so tell me that he's just not in the mood or it doesn't feel good right now. We have had a couple of successful scenes and I play with other people and rarely get complaints on my technical skills, so I'm pretty sure that that's not the problem.... When I asked him recently what the issue was, he said that getting in the right headspace while playing at home is hard because in the past he's always played at clubs/dungeons. He says it will take him time to reprogram himself. Because of the type of relationship we have, it's pretty unthinkable for me at this point to keep going with something that he says isn't feeling good. If he were my slave, perhaps, but at this stage I think it wise to respect his wishes as the bottom. I mean, it just wouldn't foster the trust I want him to have if I ignored his feelings. On the other hand, what I REALLY want to do is just tell him "tough luck" and keep going. I'm not trying to use this as a substitute for communicating with my partner but I would like to know if anyone out there on either side of the whip has had a similar experience. Is it really that hard to get yourself in the right space for some serious play? Does your head sometimes refuse to cooperate even when your top/dom sets the mood and atmosphere so that it should? Thanks!

Post #: 1

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 9:57:03 AM

mbes

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Have you asked him about it when you aren't playing?

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

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RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 10:00:49 AM

LuckyAlbatross

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Why don't make an assignment for him to organize a "play space" in your house that can be easily set up and taken down- it should include decor, lighting, music, cuddle spots and spanking spots, supplies, toys and be well organized.

The process of figuring out and actually creating the spot should be more than enough to help set his headspace in the right place to go and get him very centered beforehand.

Also, try and spend a lot of time in the warm up just connected to him, bringing his headspace to the right place, touching, making him repeat that he is now your toy, that you are now in control.

If these don't help, your issue might be a bit deeper than "can't get in the mood."

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(in reply to mbes)

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RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 10:01:28 AM

PONYSEEKER

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Sounds like he is telling you a bunch of crap... but then I am a dom and I dont really know like you said what its like on the other side of the whip... but sounds like hes topping a bit too much.

(in reply to mbes)

Post #: 4

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 10:19:52 AM

DominaSmartass

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From: This month? Maryland
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Thanks, LA, the suggestion about having him make the play space is a great one. We actually just moved into our place together a couple of days ago and I'm about to have to leave for 3 weeks for my job again so he can have some time to organize all that while I'm gone. I keep cutting him slack because we're in the middle of a move or he's starting a new job or I am or one thing or another is stressful (and he's got some issues that influence his ability to handle stress and change in environment as it is...) So I tend to take him at face value (i.e. Ponyseeker). I think that creating a separate area that can be transformed into the "dungeon" and even making appointments with each other to play there, like on Friday night, as if we were really going to a dungeon, might be helpful.

(in reply to PONYSEEKER)

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RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 1:11:39 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: PONYSEEKER
Sounds like he is telling you a bunch of crap... but then I am a dom and I dont really know like you said what its like on the other side of the whip... but sounds like hes topping a bit too much.

That's what I thought too because I've dated a guy who is extremely agreeable when getting what he wants, and not so sub/sweet when doing what he's not too keen on/I want... But LuckyAlbatross's advice is better, so try that and see if he becomes a little more compliant/in the mood.
Good luck, M

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(in reply to PONYSEEKER)

Post #: 6

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 1:41:28 PM

onestandingstill

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Yes I'm exactly having the same issues from the sub side.

My first Dom was a heavy player. It took me months and months of playing regularly to take one of his severe releases.
I hardly ever hollered out and never moved away from any blows.
I was using the mind over matter breathe in peace and breathe out the pain concept then.
In May masochist friend told me not to blow out the pain, but to force the feelings into my groin much like when someone pinched my nipple and it made me wet. She claimed that's how she learned to orgasm from pain.
In trying that I just lose control and can't bear up under heavy impact or pain.

My Dom and I split in July this year.
I took a couple of months off to process.

What I found when I came back was utter frustration with not being able to play at the level I use to enjoy and I still crave no matter what approach I use.
I too tried to play with a very close sadist friend at home and in no means could I even begin to take it.
I embarrassed myself and just couldn't believe what a darn lightweight I turned into.
My friend was very, very patient with me but between the notion he worked nights and we played at 6-8AM before I went to work instead of in the evening and we played at home not in the club it's a wholly different dynamic to try and adjust to on top of the physical break in playing.
Only one out of about 8 times we played did I even remotely think I took some of what I use to love & even then it was horribly stinging and anxiety driven.
It was his birthday so I hated the scene, hated the sensations, cried over half the time in real pain but did not stop it as I knew I was safe and he would not permanently injure me.
It's like I lost my groove and I can't find it any where.

A little over a month ago I became a sub to a brand new Dom.
I'm hoping as he trains himself we'll be retraining me as well.

I have this theory if I could play once a week and not necessarily like it for about month I could be back to playing at the harder levels and liking it but that will have to wait till much later to test out now.

Good luck to you I hope you two find what works for you,
suzanne

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 7

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 2:07:34 PM

Adrenochrome

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From: Canada
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Sounds like nothing a good, long conversation can't fix. But beware -- from your description, it sounds to me like he's feeding you a line.

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(in reply to onestandingstill)

Post #: 8

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 2:16:45 PM

bandit25

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I like Lucky's advice too. At the very least, it's worth a try. Who knows?

(in reply to Adrenochrome)

Post #: 9

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 2:30:47 PM

Focus50

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From: Newcastle, Australia
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A few points:

Certainly you need to formally define your relationship - if he's virtually doing everything to be your slave, why isn't it acknowledged so you can both get down to just being yourselves with each other. Committment issues?

In my opinion, and I stress *my*, a Daddy/girl "thing" is somewhat gender specific and you're each the wrong gender - something else you could better define....

Lastly, the Dom/me is looked upon and expected to be the one who leads - including setting headspace. While your submissive's mental and emotional state are also your responsibility and I understand you respecting his feelings etc, either he's your slave or he isn't! So you can't always back off because he's not in the mood - esp if you are! While you, the Domme, leads; the slave also looks to you to lead and will actually appreciate your strong leadership even when he's really not up for it *occasionally*!

So you still need to demonstate who's really in charge. Ill health is a valid reason on his part but "mood" is more often attitude and testing your will and ability to take control of him.

Batter up!

Focus.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 10

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 5:30:44 PM

alandraofMists

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i do understand what you are talking about from the other side of the whip as you say.

i find it easier to play when at a party or a dungeon outside of my Lord's house. it is harder for me to empty my mind and become the instrument He is playing when we are inside of the normal buildings of daily life. there is more of the little things clambering for attention in the back of the mind (ex. keeping quiet so neighbours don't hear, did i finish all i needed to for the next day... etc)

when out at a play space or party all those thoughts don't have the little reminders that seem to come forward when playing at Home.

doing what Lucky has advised can help, some other advice is having him doing mental preparation as well as physical. make it into a ritual that you can incorporate in both play in the home and out at dungeons. start the ritual in a dungeon or play party setting and then move it to the home once it has been established. this would help bring about the right headspace by habit every time he does the ritual.

Knight's alandra

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 11

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 6:44:57 PM

devoT

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Joined: 12/27/2006
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Sometimes, just sometimes, my Mistress wants to beat me, and I'm just not in the mood. Usually because I'm doing something at that exact moment that requires my full attention, and it's not easily dropped. If it were a vanilla relationship, I'd say there's a time and a place for such things, but I don't have that luxury. I find anger rising within me at the lack of her consideration for what I may want/need to do, and her lack of realisation that sometimes not everything has to be to her agenda. But then the beating usually gets rid of the anger:-)

I'd say go for it. He has to learn who's the boss. The easy way or the hard way.

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(in reply to alandraofMists)

Post #: 12

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 6:54:41 PM

classykindasassy

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I agree with Focus 50.

There are a couple of pitfalls that can happen in really good Daddy relationships. There is so much affection that the edge gets lost, and it really is up to Daddy to bring it back.

Sometimes life circumstances can intervene. For me, if life throws me an extreme curveball, I am busy reacting and fending off panic attacks. I am dealing with survival issues and have no tolerance for play. Sex yes, but masochistic play, no. It has happened with both my daddies, past and present. I lose myself and my presence of mind for a bit. But, the good news is, I am a sub and can be returned to the game after the circumstance subsides.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to alandraofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 7:30:54 PM

DominaSmartass

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From: This month? Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: PONYSEEKER
Sounds like he is telling you a bunch of crap... but then I am a dom and I dont really know like you said what its like on the other side of the whip... but sounds like hes topping a bit too much.
That's what I thought too because I've dated a guy who is extremely agreeable when getting what he wants, and not so sub/sweet when doing what he's not too keen on/I want... But LuckyAlbatross's advice is better, so try that and see if he becomes a little more compliant/in the mood.
Good luck, M

I certainly know the type! But I also know this is not the case. He is absolutely sweet and agreeable in everything we do...he's a saint, really. I couldn't ask for more. Willing and happy to help me with anything and everything. And when it comes to plain vanilla sexy stuff he's nothing like a typical guy, very giving and oriented towards my pleasure. So that's why I take him at his word when he tells me play isn't feeling good. It's not my intention to hurt him in the bad way.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 14

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 7:48:36 PM

DominaSmartass

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From: This month? Maryland
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First of all, thanks for your response. In case you are interested, I will respond below.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50

A few points:

Certainly you need to formally define your relationship - if he's virtually doing everything to be your slave, why isn't it acknowledged so you can both get down to just being yourselves with each other. Committment issues?

I apologize if I gave the wrong idea, but he is not "virtually doing everything to be my slave" as you put it. What he is, is my boyfriend, friend, lover, roommate, and little girl (more on this later.) He is not my sub and not my slave, and I feel like the catergories I do have are very clear.

quote:

In my opinion, and I stress *my*, a Daddy/girl "thing" is somewhat gender specific and you're each the wrong gender - something else you could better define....

It's as simple as the fact that when we got together we found that we brought out a part in one another that had been latent for a while. I have a butch side (it's not really masculine as much as butch, but the difference is really more in my own definitions.) For example, even when I am "Daddy" I still refer to myself and she refers to me, with the usual female pronoun. This is similar to some lesbians you may find in the leather scene who adopt the title of Daddy, Sir, or Master, yet still maintain a female gender identity. My little girl, who is named Lexi, goes by a female pronoun "she" when we are in that space. This space is not 24/7, as that would be pretty much impossible and would ignore all the other facets of his personality and that wouldn't be healthy. I hope this has clarified it somewhat. If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.

quote:

Lastly, the Dom/me is looked upon and expected to be the one who leads - including setting headspace. While your submissive's mental and emotional state are also your responsibility and I understand you respecting his feelings etc, either he's your slave or he isn't! So you can't always back off because he's not in the mood - esp if you are! While you, the Domme, leads; the slave also looks to you to lead and will actually appreciate your strong leadership even when he's really not up for it *occasionally*!

So you still need to demonstate who's really in charge. Ill health is a valid reason on his part but "mood" is more often attitude and testing your will and ability to take control of him.

Batter up!

Focus.

I do see your points and they are valid and would be applicable if I were "the domme" but I am not. There is a little bit of D/s involved in our everyday lives but I would say for the most part we relate more or less on the same level even if I do take the lead by nature and he follows by nature. He basically follows my advice, suggestions, instruction, or orders in everything and there is no need for confrontation. He does not try to impose his views or opinions on me and I feel more than comfortable telling him what to do (of course I'm always nice about it...) But we both take the title of slave very seriously and with the length of time we've been together and how young we both are, it's not something we're even striving for at this time. All I really wanted to know is how I might work through the issue of him not being in the mood to play.

Thanks again for all the good replies.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 15

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 7:54:06 PM

DominaSmartass

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From: This month? Maryland
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quote:

ORIGINAL: alandraofMists

doing what Lucky has advised can help, some other advice is having him doing mental preparation as well as physical. make it into a ritual that you can incorporate in both play in the home and out at dungeons. start the ritual in a dungeon or play party setting and then move it to the home once it has been established. this would help bring about the right headspace by habit every time he does the ritual.

Knight's alandra

Thanks so much! Any suggestions in particular on those mental preparations? The only thing that comes to mind is perhaps some sort of meditation or a mantra to repeat 10 times or something like that. When we are in Daddy/girl space I do have some things that are becoming ritualistic to say (and ways that she responds then as well) but that stuff just came naturally and since we're already in the space it kind of defeats the purpose.

Additionally, do any of you find that using the element of surprise works? The most successfull time I had recently was when I found a wooden spoon in the kitchen and had an impromptu spanking (or would that be spooning?)

(in reply to alandraofMists)

Post #: 16

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/3/2007 10:24:20 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass
I do see your points and they are valid and would be applicable if I were "the domme" but I am not. There is a little bit of D/s involved in our everyday lives but I would say for the most part we relate more or less on the same level even if I do take the lead by nature and he follows by nature. He basically follows my advice, suggestions, instruction, or orders in everything and there is no need for confrontation. He does not try to impose his views or opinions on me and I feel more than comfortable telling him what to do (of course I'm always nice about it...) But we both take the title of slave very seriously and with the length of time we've been together and how young we both are, it's not something we're even striving for at this time. All I really wanted to know is how I might work through the issue of him not being in the mood to play.

At the risk of judging a book by its cover, your topic is titled "Never in the "mood" "

And that lack of mood is why my very first sentence stated that you need to define your relationhip.... If you're not really the Domme and your overall relationship is not based on an unequal control dynamic (where one defers to the other's choices and decisions), then pretty much what's left is similar to a supposed egalitarian vanilla relationship, spiced up with some kink.

So how does one get an equal partner in the mood? Beats me, I found such relationships too frustrating and exasperating. Obviously this requires some in-depth conversation/communication on both your parts but I can't help thinking that common ground will be difficult with such vague relationship parameters like "quasi d/s". Better get used to "moods"....

Just curious - I know you've said you're not "the domme", but would you like to be? It'd certainly simplify many things, though it still takes two of likemind for anything beyond "bedroom" D/s to function smoothly....

Focus.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 17

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/4/2007 5:40:41 AM

Jasmyn

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From: New Zealand
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Personally I'd tell him to stop putting up smokescreens for excuses and get honest, with himself, and you... he's bored ...just a hunch

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(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 18

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/4/2007 5:46:04 AM

DominaSmartass

Posts: 961
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From: This month? Maryland
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quote:

At the risk of judging a book by its cover, your topic is titled "Never in the "mood" " And that lack of mood is why my very first sentence stated that you need to define your relationhip.... If you're not really the Domme and your overall relationship is not based on an unequal control dynamic (where one defers to the other's choices and decisions), then pretty much what's left is similar to a supposed egalitarian vanilla relationship, spiced up with some kink. So how does one get an equal partner in the mood? Beats me, I found such relationships too frustrating and exasperating. Obviously this requires some in-depth conversation/communication on both your parts but I can't help thinking that common ground will be difficult with such vague relationship parameters like "quasi d/s". Better get used to "moods".... Just curious - I know you've said you're not "the domme", but would you like to be? It'd certainly simplify many things, though it still takes two of likemind for anything beyond "bedroom" D/s to function smoothly.... Focus.

Right, as I've said, our overall relationship is not based on an unequal control dynamic. In the time that we've been together, he has slowly become more comfortable giving me control of things and the relationship has become more like d/s but this guy is one that is going to take patience to pay off in the longrun. For the moment, I believe that he only continues to give up control at all because he trusts me to respect him and not hurt him. If me caning him is hurting (in the bad way) and he tells me so, I would be violating that trust to keep going. And if it doesn't pay off in the end, however long that takes to find out yes or no, I still have a wonderful kinky boyfriend. We've already agreed that if we do not turn out to be the best d/s partners for each other we will seek elsewhere but what we have in terms of a relationship is conceivably a lifelong partnership in the making. So yes, I would like to be "the domme" but he is experienced enough to know for himself when he feels that role starting to take over and I cannot force it. At the beginning of our relationship I tried requiring a few things right off the bat but he balked. I've found it much more successful to let him set the pace of any actual "submission" he is willing to give. This may seem like I am letting him have all the control, but when you care deeply about a person it would be stupid to set some sort of ultimatum like "submit now or get out." He and I have both expressed that regardless of the d/s, we want to be together, so now, as the thread indicated, I am looking for potential solutions to the problem of him not being in the right frame of mind to take pain when that's what I want to do to him.

As for your perception that the relationship is vague and needs defining, I disagree. I don't see how it could be more clear what we are to one another. I only wish I could express it better so that it doesn't come across as being undefined. The lines are very clear and I've stated them a few times already in this thread.

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 19

RE: Never in the "mood" - 1/4/2007 9:00:14 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
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From: NYS
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If he's only in the mood when out, then I wonder if him being an exhibitionist isn't part of this. Possibly if you said you were going to take pics it might help?

As far as getting in the mood, this is something that happens here. One thing we're discovering is that he vents to me first about stuff bothering him, using me as a safe sounding board to blow off steam about a work problem for example, and once he's feeling better I'm not. I just can't switch emotions that fast. Him playing while wired isn't the answer either because I can sense his emotions and it makes me anxious. I will tell him if I feel able to play or too upset but I also am straightforward about not feeling able to enjoy it. Since he doesn't much enjoy it unless his partner is into it, it becomes a stalemate. And then I feel guilty for not having been in the mood which makes it less likely I will be feeling up to things later.

(in reply to DominaSmartass)

Post #: 20

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