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Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 12:16:01 AM

Devilslilsister

Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
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How do your past relationships effect your relationships today? Life experience shapes who we are and how we percieve things - as does relationship experience. How does your past relationships affect you today in your BDSM - M/s - TPE - (or whatever abbreviated version)?

P.S. My spell check went to bed 3 hours ago

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

Post #: 1

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 1:29:42 AM

FangsNfeet

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Joined: 12/3/2004
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Past relationships tend to help people realize who they are and what they really want. You also gain experience and learn what works best for you. With each relationship I've been in, I learned how to dress just a little better and found a nicer cologn to wear.

Weither I was dumped or the dumpie, I've learned to never stop improving on myself. Whatever happens, I know I can move on with the confidence that there is nothing wrong with me. I may have blew things with people that where special to me but that's life where we live and learn.

Anyways, I use to be the guy who was to nice. After dateing a few bitches guess what? No more Mr Nice Fangs. Sorry nice ladies, they had a part in developing the way I am now and you're just going to have to deal with it.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 2

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 1:36:36 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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Mostly they serve as my warnings for past patterns and problems. I can compare similar situations and realize how I acted in them and see how I am acting in them now and be able to adjust much better.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 3

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 2:29:13 AM

bandit25

Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline

I agree with Lucky (no big surprise there). I try and learn from them. And, yes, I see patterns and problems that I try very hard NOT to repeat.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 4

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 5:22:32 AM

RedSavageSlave

Posts: 733
Joined: 9/12/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

How do your past relationships effect your relationships today?

It makes me very appreciative for the relationship that I am currently building. I was told by current potential that he didnt like being compared with past relationships, however, how can he object when he always seems to come out on top? (pun intended)

Life experience shapes who we are and how we percieve things - as does relationship experience. How does your past relationships affect you today in your BDSM - M/s - TPE - (or whatever abbreviated version)?

The hardest part for me is learning that I am "worthy" of a good solid relationship with someone. Sometimes it is hard not to look at past relationships that did not last and feel like you were just not good enough to make them work. But then, I take a solid look at the reasons WHY they did not work and what it came down to was that I should have known before going in that it wasnt going to work anyways long term.

My biggest resolution (New Years being SUCH a good time to make one LOL) is to not forget who and what I am within a M/s relationship. I am not a switch, I am not a domme, I am not vanilla. (although I can present quite well as all three) I am a slave..and my owner will need to be one who can be the Master of me and my needs. Not sometimes, not when he is not too tired to deal, and not just when life is great. If being a Master is not what he is, I have no business being in a relationship with him..because it simply will not work.

This is what my past relationships have taught me.

_____________________________

My give a damn's busted.

So many thoughts, so few of them rational

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 5

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 5:47:49 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I think the biggest, most important thing I've learned from my past relationships is the difference between responsibility and control

My Master is not responsible for me. He's in control of me. That means that responsibility for my actions rests firmly on my shoulders and I don't get to pass off what I do to him. I am responsible for my actions, my mindset and my choices. Part of my choice is that I cede control to him.

Ceding control means he gets to decide what I should and should not be doing - even when I want to do the things he doesn't want me to do, and don't want to do the things he does want me to do. My responsibility then is to live up to the choices I've made. And there are no grey areas.

I really really like this.

juliet

(in reply to RedSavageSlave)

Post #: 6

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 6:06:14 AM

MmakeMme

Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
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Trust is a big issue for me, as is understanding others' motivations for doing / saying / behaving. What I am in the process of learning is that each person is unique, and just because something caused pain in the past does not mean it will hurt this time. I am also learning what it is to be firmly planted in recovery from codependence. I've had some good teachers - even the bad ones. (Maybe even "especially the bad ones.") ~smiling~

_____________________________

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

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Post #: 7

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 6:23:01 AM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I learned that when something this good comes into my life to grab it no matter what it takes. I have been in unhealthy relationships most of my life. I won't forget where I've been or take this one for granted.

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to MmakeMme)

Post #: 8

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 6:27:36 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

My past relationship is what determined the type of relationship I would have now. I knew what I wanted, and I knew what was possible; and that is what I set my goal on.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 9

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 7:50:12 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

I try to look for patterns. Things that perhaps I should've noticed earlier about the other person. Things that may have contributed to the breakup. Sometimes it is counterproductive to dig too deeply, but all the same, I try to learn something.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 10

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:02:05 AM

canupleaseme

Posts: 775
Joined: 7/9/2006
Status: offline

I have learnt from past relationships that i can only ever be myself with someone, That i will never let communication stop and that i am worth so much more

Its all one big learning curve i guess, I'm glad i am older and more responsible and that i listen and learn from my mistakes.

_____________________________

Proud mistress

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 11

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:09:07 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

I guess you could say that I learned the hard way that you can not change what is at the core of you.

_____________________________

~~@ cass @~~

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 12

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:09:47 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

I have learnt to be myself, I have learnt that you can't please someone all the time, that sometimes it doesn't matter how good you are you will still get hurt.
I have learnt that giving a man everything does not mean he won't cheat and lie, I am learning not to let this knowledge poisen me.
I am learning that things usually happen for a reason, after all if the last man had not lied and cheated then I would not have been in the time and place I was when my wonderful Dom found me.

(in reply to canupleaseme)

Post #: 13

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:27:51 AM

LeatherLord2003

Posts: 23
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

I think that every relationship be it good or bad offers something to build off of and past relationships are part of the growing experience as is most things in life. Often times it is easy to get lost in the "bad" of a past relationship but the oppertunity to grow is always there. I have learned from past relationships it takes two.. Two people working towards a common goal and love alone won't overcome not working together. And I have to agree with juliet, I think more could learn the difference between responsibility and control.

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 14

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:34:35 AM

SexyRed

Posts: 529
Joined: 8/19/2004
Status: offline

I learned that you should not give someone too many chances to change. Once someone hurts you, it is their fault. If they continue to hurt you, it is your fault for accepting it.

A good side effect of having had a bad relationship is the learning about yourself and why you accepted things the way they were. A bad side effect of having had a bad relationship is that your heart is broken beyond repair and you feel you will never trust another person again.

The worst thing about having had a breakup is that you worry that you may never feel both the highs and the lows that kept you in the relationship for so long.

The tough part of having "baggage" from a very intense relationship that went south is that no matter how intelligent or evolved you think you are, your emotions still cry out for what you felt, instead of letting your brain tell you it is best that it is over.

And, not meeting anyone that you feel chemistry with, is not helping things.

< Message edited by SexyRed -- 1/1/2007 8:38:35 AM >

_____________________________

A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette, but back up 500 yards for a redhead!

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Post #: 15

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:39:08 AM

WorldofSilence

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Joined: 6/14/2006
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Considering I've only had two girlfriends in My life (both vanilla), I suppose I've learnt to try and be more daring, notice when that special person is there and not to put Myself down as "damaged" but a guy who can offer a different prespective to life, generally I'm looking forward to the learning curves sure I'll be dumped or duped but if I'm really lucky I might find the one I hope for. :) So trying to be positive and crossing My fingers and toes.

WoS

_____________________________

"Beware Hearing loss. If found please return to owner.Been missing since 1981. Reward on return"

(in reply to LeatherLord2003)

Post #: 16

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:45:53 AM

brat4u

Posts: 18
Joined: 7/10/2006
Status: offline

Never consider yourself damaged or then, you may find that type of affirmation to come true. Live and hope for the day that in your wildest dreams the ultimate person for you will come along and i have found out they do! But, remember patience is a virtue

(in reply to WorldofSilence)

Post #: 17

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:52:13 AM

WorldofSilence

Posts: 114
Joined: 6/14/2006
Status: offline

*smiles*

Thanks brat4u, if you ask the people who know Me, I'm very paitent almost to a slighty scary level ;)

One of those life skills that had to be learnt :) I don't consider Myself damaged thats the past, I'm special ;)

WoS

_____________________________

"Beware Hearing loss. If found please return to owner.Been missing since 1981. Reward on return"

(in reply to brat4u)

Post #: 18

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 8:59:35 AM

amaidiamond

Posts: 1793
Joined: 2/6/2006
From: Watford / London
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WorldofSilence

*smiles*

Thanks brat4u, if you ask the people who know Me, I'm very paitent almost to a slighty scary level ;)

One of those life skills that had to be learnt :) I don't consider Myself damaged thats the past, I'm special ;)

WoS

All I can say to that is you are more special than you know, I have been telling you this for about 5 years now, is it possible you will now listen? :P
And yes you are patient, you have to be to be able to put up with me as well as you do *laughs*.
Don't knock yourself, you are not damaged and you are not broken - you have a massive amount to give. Oh and if you tell me to take note of my own words I'll have to do someting...something very un sub like!

(in reply to WorldofSilence)

Post #: 19

RE: Past relationships and today - 1/1/2007 10:10:04 AM

HollyS

Posts: 230
Joined: 1/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

How do your past relationships effect your relationships today? Life experience shapes who we are and how we percieve things - as does relationship experience. How does your past relationships affect you today in your BDSM - M/s - TPE?

I've been happily married for 15 years now to the non-dominant love of my life. When I began looking for a face-to-face D/s relationship, my biggest mistake was thinking that D/s relationships are fundamentally different from vanilla relationships.

I let Dominants treat me disrespectfully because I thought that was part of the deal. With one Dom, we'd meet, then I'd not hear a word from him for 6-14 days or more. Another regularly used "Clearly you're not truly submissive," to manipulate me past my limits far too soon. I was told that "real" Doms are not loving, are never gentle and certainly are not interested in the submissive's enjoyment. I was taught that being allowed to serve should be it's own reward and to expect more is unacceptable, even "topping from the bottom." There are too many lessons to list.

Later I learned that sometimes, when someone brags "I've trained hundreds of submissives and slaves" he's really saying "No one will stay with me for long."

Once I started looking for the same qualities shared by my husband, expressed within a dynamic of authority exchange, I did better. Compassion, attentiveness, interest in me as an individual... It took me some time to learn that those qualities aren't exclusive from holding control, exercising authority and causing pain.

Mom used to say something about age begetting wisdom...

~Holly

_____________________________

I wish my lawn were emo, so it would cut itself.

(in reply to Devilslilsister)

Post #: 20

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