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Frustration - 12/28/2006 1:55:34 PM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
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This question was inspired by dvart's question about how a slave gets their way. It was a really interesting question to try to answer, and got me thinking.

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial. Or maybe an explanation isn't offered. Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you reconcile yourself to the situation? Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?

Post #: 1

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:03:15 PM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
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I think about the bigger picture and my priorities. The bigger picture to me is my harmonious relationship with Master and my role within that relationship. When it all comes down to it, that is my top priority and the thing that makes me most happy.

_____________________________

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Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 2

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:10:51 PM

sophia37

Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
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you learn skills when faced with situations that require certain skills or ways of being, so-to-speak. Hopefully, youre strong enough to be up for the task.

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 3

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:17:34 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
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How do you deal with frustrations in the other areas of your life? What happens when you want to have the day off but the big deadline keeps you from taking it? The same coping mechanisms can be used.

Of course, this speaking of day-to-day frustrations and not about a relationship that is becoming abusive and harmful to you by constantly expecting you to put aside your NEEDS.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 4

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:21:14 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I usually just say "I'm really frustrated about X" and we have a talk about it.

Crazy logic I know, but we've managed.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 5

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:23:46 PM

LycanHorde

Posts: 12
Joined: 12/22/2006
Status: offline

I'm neither submissive, nor a slave, but perhaps you won't mind me chiming in.
It's been my experience that an average woman will not let go of the feeling of frustration while being denied something for quite a while, in fact they agitate themselves quite throughly over it at times and yes, I've had some good laughs over it.

Now take that the same frustration in a woman who defines herself as a submissive and watch it annoy her just as much, initially. Then, after a while, it's like a switch is flipped, they let go of the frustration and move on to the next thing. If anything it seems to satisfy them, ground them.

I'm assuming here that the source of their frustration is something relatively benign while in a good relationship, not something that endangers their safety or crosses their limits, etc...

(in reply to slavejali)

Post #: 6

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 2:47:45 PM

NaiveTempest

Posts: 345
Joined: 11/20/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Great post. Not trying to steal it, but I'm looking forward to the answers to your question, Gypsygrl, because I've often wondered it myself. I'm the type of person that finds it hard to forget a "slight" or disappointment. I ignore them and say it's okay, but in the back of my mind it's sitting there, festering.... And when enough of a build up has occurred I've been known to explode in some pretty negative ways. So this post of yours will hopefully help me come up with ways to stop such destructive behavior, find an outlet, or at least a way to cope with it......

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 7

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 3:21:44 PM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

This question was inspired by dvart's question about how a slave gets their way. It was a really interesting question to try to answer, and got me thinking.

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial. Or maybe an explanation isn't offered. Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you reconcile yourself to the situation? Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?

I'd honestly say that depending on the request and how important I percieve it to be anger and resentment may happen. Sometimes its not a huge deal so I just let it slide off. If I get angry I'll usually go and work out - that really helps get out anger. Or I also really enjoy cooking so doing things like that help get my mind off of it.

I think learning coping skills is something that happens over time, but basically starting with how you cope in general with feelings of powerlessness and anger are a good starting point with how to deal with those feelings towards one's dominant/owner.

C~

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 8

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 3:32:10 PM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
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I don't think my God would deny me a reasonable request but i guess if he does then he has his reasons and i accept that without question.

_____________________________

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If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to Wildfleurs)

Post #: 9

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 3:51:59 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

I suppose it depends on the situation. If gretchen complained everytime she didn't get her way, I'd get real irritated REAL fast. On the occasions she seems frustrated, I usually ask her about it. If it's a minor issue, it passes. Major issues get a talk, sometimes even a change. If we came to a point where we no longer met each others needs and didn't feel up to doing so, that's the recipe for breakup - isn't it?

Point is, there's space in between the minor "I wanna cookie" "NO little girl!" and the major "I want a private jet." "NO you spoiled brat!! I just bought you a yacht!!" Accepting that we don't always get what we want is a skill most of us learned in kindergarten.

_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 10

RE: Frustration - 12/28/2006 3:52:09 PM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
Status: offline

Hello gypsygrl

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

This question was inspired by dvart's question about how a slave gets their way. It was a really interesting question to try to answer, and got me thinking.

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial. Or maybe an explanation isn't offered. Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you reconcile yourself to the situation? Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?

I grew up in a house in which my father made all and any final decisions; I am very used to not getting MY way. Yes, I can throw the proverbial tantrum, but all that gets is a whooping . Yes, I can sulk, but all that gets is angry silence. Yes, I can be resentful; but that does nothing but cause me more hurt in the long run. I would much rather be happy and content; accept the decision as being the right one at the time, and go on with life.

In my relationship with my late Master, I followed the same philosophy. I may not like some of the decisions that were made; but it was my decision on how to handle the outcome. I could be unhappy and still follow through with the decision; or I could be happy with it. I find that it's actually a very easy concept to employ.

_____________________________

harley

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 11

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 9:46:21 AM

slavemaia

Posts: 395
Joined: 8/26/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

This question was inspired by dvart's question about how a slave gets their way. It was a really interesting question to try to answer, and got me thinking.

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial. Or maybe an explanation isn't offered. Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you reconcile yourself to the situation? Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?

Great questions. Yup, i haven't gone to the above human mark yet so i'm not always crawling around in the sub fuzzies over everything Master decides. i'm allowed and even encouraged to express my opinions, ideas etc. as long as it's done respectfully. Master always considers what i communicate and oftentimes will agree. But there are times when He doesn't, and even when He doesn't want to hear anything more about it from me. That's when i have to remind myself what this agreement is all about and the overall benefits of being in this type of relationship. And that agreement is He has the control, i relinquish it. So not getting my way at times is part of the deal.

If and when i find myself still struggling with His decision, i check my fear level. Most of the time when i can't let go of something it's because i'm afraid. Afraid i'm not being taken care of, considered or whatever. Like others on here i've had my share of abuse in the past. Trust is something i seek to increase but it's a growing and sometimes groaning process. When fear replaces love and devotion in my mind, i'm too quick to think i KNOW what's going on inside someone else's head. And it's NEVER in my favor. So i do self talk to reassure myself that this Man i've committed myself to, loves me and values me and the reality is that neglecting me is just as harmful to Him as it is to me, so He's not going to go there. That brings my perspective back into some realistic frame. Oftentimes i find that the decision Master has made, that i'm bucking against, turns out better for me than anything i could have imagined, and is actually in my best interest. ***smiles***

_____________________________

She reaches up, not for the apple, but for what causes it to be there.
slave to love - - Chairman's maia

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 12

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 9:56:28 AM

Grlwithboy

Posts: 655
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

Totally. Even with my slave. People are allowed to feel, allowed to tell me how they feel, so I can react to information. The source of frustration may even be something that's not a big deal to me and I'm not even aware of. It may be something I'm not going to compromise on at all. But having to shut up about it doesn't enhance someone's ability to actually suck it up, I've found.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 13

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 9:59:39 AM

aliljaded1

Posts: 121
Joined: 6/20/2004
Status: offline

Its soooo hard to do but I've opted for counting to 1 million and then letting it go.(jk)
My bratty nature makes me question the answer to the point of being a great big pain in the ass. Its hard to let it go but its usually for the best. Its usually an chance to learn something for me , and if i dont get the lesson I'm bound to repeat the test.
hoping this helps

*Sitting on the learning curve*
~Jade

_____________________________

**The mind is its own place,and in itself can make a heaven of hell, and a hell of heaven**

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 14

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:17:48 AM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

I do not get angry or resentful. I just accept things and move on. That is just how I am. If he says no then there is a good reason why. This is how I handle things in everyday life. If I can't change it why get all angry over it? Just deal with it and move on.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 15

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:29:42 AM

Caitriona

Posts: 327
Joined: 8/28/2006
Status: offline

As slavemaia said, I am also allowed and encouraged to discuss my concerns as long as it's done in the proper manner (respectfully). That's probably the biggest thing for me, is getting myself in the right mindset to approach Him correctly instead of in a temper, which I sometimes do. It's a very bad trait of mine.

In the end, sometimes I just have to bite my tounge and try my best to move on, although I am guilty of "pouting" now and then. I do the best that I can and My Lord tries to take that into account. Sometimes it helps me to go into my journal (my private space) and vent.

_____________________________

Property of Shadowraven
Serving alongside ciarra

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 16

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:32:26 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

Thanks for your responses. :) This question came to me because I was thinking about how I deal with powerlessness (Ty for phrasing it this way, wildfleurs. I hadn't thought of it in those terms. It really helps me clarify my thoughts.) and its frustrations in other areas of my life and trying to glean how I would deal with it in a reasonably healthy, emotionally satisfying D/s type relationship. I do, in fact, have a lot of skills to draw on, but they all involve various forms of emotional detachment something that strikes me as being counterproductive in the context of an intimate relationship.

So, and to respond to MasterFireMaam, in an employment situation, if I'm working at all, I can deal with a lot of crap by keeping my focus on the paycheck but keeping my eyes on that prize really limits my emotional investment. I don't let myself care about doing the job, even if its a job I would have liked to do well because I thought it was valuable work. Basically, I become a time-server.

LycanHorde, the dynamic you describe sounds familiar, in the been there, done that sort of way. My ex husband and I weren't in a D/s relationship but he called the shots. After a couple of incredibly frustrating years of pretending we were equals, I made an internal decision that it wasn't ever gonna be the case, and stopped fighting the reality of the situation. This effectively freed me from the anger and resentment, and I even learned how to take some sort of twisted, if secret, satisfaction in the situation, kept myself occupied with other things (part time employment, taking care of the house, and my son) but I had absolutely no feeling for him. He was basically a stranger I happened to share a house with. Again, my ability to reconcile myself to the situation involved a process of emotional detachment, so much so that when he fell in love with someone else, I was like, cool and welcomed her into our lives because, well, so long as he was busy with her, he was ignoring me which meant I didn't have to deal with him. And, I liked her cause she was good company. Then when he decided he wanted a divorce, and I should leave, I left. But, even here, he told me where to apply for graduate school and I listened without questioning his direction. In the years that we were together, I did achieve a basic acceptance, became more grounded over time and stopped getting riled up over little things, but in getting to that place of inner stability, I also stopped caring.

NaiveTempest, I appreciate your comments. :) I don't have a lot of positive suggestions. I can be very sensitive to slights and take offense easily, and I've learned that the best thing to do is to find a reasonably safe way to vent spleen so the negative energy doesn't build. I'm a big fan of 'feeling my anger' and can usually do this by talking about it with someone, not necessarily the one who made me mad. I do what I can to work through the anger before directly addressing the person who offended me (if thats even warrented) so I can maintain an even keel. But, its an ongoing struggle.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to remain emotionally invested in an assymetrical relationship. Maybe I'm asking how to give without giving up?

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 17

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:43:25 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial. Or maybe an explanation isn't offered. Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you reconcile yourself to the situation? Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?

This really is a thought provoking question . i am new to BDSM and new in my current relationship so i deal with this frequently. Much i chalk up to my inexperience and learning my place within the relationship i am in. But when i feel particularly frustrated and am not being given a satisfactory response - i look within and examine my true motives for the request and whether i am letting ego or low self-esteem fuel my dissatisfaction. When i focus on my true purpose for the relationship, it seems easier to let go of the things that cause me temporary frustration...

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 18

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:47:25 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl
I guess what I'm trying to figure out is how to remain emotionally invested in an assymetrical relationship. Maybe I'm asking how to give without giving up?

Make sure that that particular assymetrical situation resonates and fulfills you.

Not every sub will work with every dom. We are unique snowflakes with our own patterns and processing.

Relatioships require everyone to work within them, to work together- to GIVE. The theory is that if it's a good match and everyone works well together, what they give will give BACK to the situation and be more than you could have alone.

This is a relationship constant- whether it's vanilla or Ds. Most secure and mature doms really are reasonable people who WANT to know about your frustrations and work through them. There's a lot of doms out there who equate denial with dominance, but I think they get tired of that pretty quickly.

Yes, in surrendering authority, we may lose a lot of our immediate "yes" ability and sacrifice a lot of short term pleasure- but trust me, doms don't really have the picnic most subs seems to think they do either.

If it's a good situation, communication will be strong and you will fit well together.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 19

RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:53:09 AM

dawntreader

Posts: 3045
Joined: 11/23/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

We are unique snowflakes with our own patterns and processing.

i really like this analogy :-)

_____________________________

It is choice - not chance - that determines our destiny~
Jean Nidetch

There is a war going on for your mind...if you are thinking, you are winning~
Flobots

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 20

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