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RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:57:05 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: dawntreader
i really like this analogy :-)

Thanks, I stole it from Bridget Harrington, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from someone else...etc etc :)

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 2:53:52 PM   
classykindasassy


Posts: 291
Joined: 12/13/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on how much the situation matters to me on a deeper level.

like when you raise kids, you have to pick your battles or you will explode trying to take up everything that does not suit your way of thinking. You have to look at the deeper things at stake.

Say it were a matter of disrespect...I'd have to take that up because over time I know I won't tolerate the resentment.

But, say I just don't get my way. Hey, that's life. The more I dwell on it, the more I can make myself miserable with the stories I tell myself. It's like a dog learning to walk on a leash with choke chain. Dog pulls, the choke tightens down, life is bad. He relaxes and lets Master call the shots and is obedient, life is good and he gets to go places and experience things.

_____________________________

"The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine." -The Indigo Girls

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 3:26:20 PM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

This question was inspired by dvart's question about how a slave gets their way.  It was a really interesting question to try to answer, and got me thinking.

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial.  Or maybe an explanation isn't offered.  Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you  reconcile yourself to the situation?  Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?



well, most frustrations are over minor issues, so it's really just a matter of eventually letting go of it/forgetting it. i try to make myself forget that i ever wanted (whatever it was) in the first place. in the past i would let these sorts of feeling just build and build until one day out of the blue the dam would break and i'd fall into a pit of despair and depression. now that rarely happens. something else that helps me is to remind myself of exactly what i am...(a slave)...and just what that means. i'm property, so i'm not entitled to anything, i have no rights over or to anything, my Master is not obligated to be nice to me, please me, or make me happy. i'm here to serve him, and that's really the bottom line. once i allow that to sink in, i start feeling bad for ever desiring (whatever it was) in the first place.

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 5:24:34 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied and even though a good explanation is offered, you're still unhappy with the denial.  Or maybe an explanation isn't offered.  Do you get angry, or resentful, and if so, how do you  reconcile yourself to the situation?  Are you able to just let it slide and if so, how did you come to learn those skills?



Well honestly at first i pouted, i conjoled, i begged, i pleaded, i got frustrated, i threw little 5 year old tantrums - all in all i acted like a brat.  My Master used to love looking at me and saying "How does it feel to want?"  When i would start with the "i want....."  Aye and it was very frustrating.  i WANTED!  I have also spent most of my life getting my way and it was very confounding to not get it.  I wasnt excatly sure what to do.  I wanted and no matter what i did, i was not able to get my way.  After a long while of banging my head against this wall (i'm stubborn) i finally calmed down and learned to accept it.  Through patience and realising that my want wasnt really that important.  I just do not mind, not getting my way anymore.  I am used to it now.  LOL  There are times when i do backslide.  Most of the times its playful and sometimes its not.  When i was smoking and Master would make me wait X amount of time for another cigeratte (or just say no) oh lord.......... i was instantly a 4 year old. 

Most things i do not care if i dont get my way, there are some things i think are important and i ask to discuss them (or even ask to beg, plead and pout) and if its a valid reason then generally its okay.  If not, then i obey and try to focus my mind on how nice it is to obey.


_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 5:28:46 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		There was one issue that Master and I had that really rocked my boat, it touched on a known area of weakness within me, I don't even know if its a weakenss or just a very core principal within me...whatever it was... I threw a tantrum, I had no grip on myself whatsoever and could not control the feelings raging around inside me. No amount of Master talking to me helped..so in effect..I got my way...because he didn't end up doing what it was that was causing the issue. The thing was, I couldn't help what I was feeling, I couldn't change what I was feeling and if the issue ever comes up again, I highly doubt my feelings would be any different than the first time it came up.

Afterwards, I felt guilty, guilty that in some way I had controlled Master due to my weakness(?). I told Master about this and he said, I didn't control him, that he had made a choice, his choice came down to 1. Go ahead and do it and effect me in a really bad way and in so doing effect our relationship or 2. Not do it and allow me to feel at peace again and have our relationship harmonious again.

To this day, I wish I could have acted differently, felt differently, responded differently and to this day I think I got my own way and don't really comprehend that it wasn't me controlling the situation. I put my thoughts into scenarios of what if I had just kept quiet, not said anything and he had done what he said he was going to do...I really think I wouldn't have been able to let it go...I really think my attitude to our relationship would have changed....and its by running with those thoughts that I can feel at peace over the situation because by expressing my anxieties and frustrations to him...I really wasn't controlling the situation (getting my way) but giving him a real situation to deal with and make a choice over...cuz the fact remains... He could have done it, really, if he wanted to. I have to continually remind myself of that when I think about that situation from time to time..

Addition: I think the point of this post was to say, in those rare times when I do think I'm getting my way, I really feel bad about it, even if its not even true.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 12/29/2006 5:41:48 PM >

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RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 5:38:24 PM   
Nosathro


Posts: 3319
Joined: 9/25/2005
From: Orange County, California
Status: offline 		greeting gypsygrl
 
If I may, in the Gorean world there is a time when a kajiar (slave girl) maybe granted to speak her mind freely, some would call it venting.  I find this useful in getting over her frustration.
 
I wish you well
 
Nosathro

_____________________________

"The love of a slave girl is the deepest and most profound love that any woman can give a man. Love makes a woman a man's slave, and the wholeness of that love requires that she be, in truth, his slave." Magicians of Gor, page 31

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 5:41:07 PM   
MmakeMme


Posts: 682
Joined: 7/29/2006
From: NC
Status: offline 		Interesting. ~smiling~

I find it much easier to get over frustration and disappointment in my D/s situation than I do in my regular life because (a) when Sir says "No" it means just that and (b) in my regular life "No" means "Keep pushing until you get your way or make everyone miserable in the attempt." Therefore, in my vanilla world, I can get caught up in "winning", while with my Sir, the way I win is by letting go, which is far more peaceful and satisfying.

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Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. ~~ Dalai Lama

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 6:23:01 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

 So, I'm wondering how submissives/slaves go about dealing with frustration in their relationships, like, when you make a request and its denied 


I remind myself that I signed on willingly, that we  have an agreement about who is dominant and who is submissive.  I may not have been fully prepared that 'this' was part of the deal (whatever 'this' may be at the moment) but I am prepared to fulfill my obligations of submission to him. 


_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 6:34:41 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		He does not always say yes to me. He does give me what I want often, and he always listens to my requests, but he has not always gave me what I wanted. As time goes on I get more of what I want, and I do not know if that is because my desires are more in line with his, or if he has decided that he wants to give me more.

Yes, I was frustrated over some of the things he would not allow me to have, and at the time it caused me some angst, but eventually I have gotten what I wanted, it was just the timing of my desires that was off. I do not know if that makes sense or not...

... I will say that part of this is just because of the growth of our relationship and the willingness to please each other has deepened.  He still says no sometimes. It is not that he owes me explanations, but he seems to always offer them so I will understand why he has told me "no". This makes me feel valued and respected. I think that if he told me no all the time, did not seem to listen to me, and never explained why I could not have my way I might come to resent this (actually I know I would resent it and probably not flourish in such a relationship).

I believe that part of the reason he has given me more of what I want is my acceptance of when he has told me "no". When he gives me what I desire I appreciate it very deeply, and when someone is truly grateful, the recipient of the gratitude cannot help but feel that positive energy.  I respect the "nos" that he gives me.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to gypsygrl)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 8:31:34 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Being an adult, I tell him how I'm feeling and we talk it out. Usually resentment comes as a result of being ignored as a rule not as a one time thing. Since I'm not into denial, I didn't go looking for someone who thinks domination is just saying no.

Resentment is corrosive to a relationship so we focus on this if it occurs and try to figure out where it's really coming from.

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 9:01:32 PM   
shatteringlilium


Posts: 35
Joined: 10/19/2005
From: BFE, Washington
Status: offline 		In a way, it is my belief that even in a D/s relationship, the Dominant party has to be willing to make their own sacrifices in a way, and be willing to act with consideration and make compromises.

I know for sure that if I am not given a good, valid reason for something, I get pissed.  Not just miffed, I get really angry.  I don't let things go.  I believe that for any large decisions, the Dom should be prepared to explain themselves.  The feeling of "Why should I have to tell YOU?" is just as childish as the feeling of "Well WHY can't I have ____?!".  When the Dom is being that arrogant about the decision made and is being inconsiderate of the sub's feelings, I don't blame the sub for getting angry for that.

I guess it's a case-by-case situation in the end.  But an experienced Dom will know his or her sub, and know how to handle the situation.

_____________________________

I am standing in the shadow
of my ever-waking mind
And I feel this darkness, hallow
close around me over time
Embraced within my solitude,
alone with my designs
Left on my own to meditate
the shadows of my mind.

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 9:09:16 PM   
Wildfleurs


Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline 		Using Fast Reply...

I don't seem to always catch it, but since I did this time, its actually Wildfleurs with a capital W.  Its just a pet peeve that I really do have my nickname capitalized on purpose, and I don't believe in the sub=lowercase, dominants=uppercase thing.

Edited to add: I'm glad the term powerlessness helped you find a term to describe the feeling!

C~

< Message edited by Wildfleurs -- 12/29/2006 9:11:24 PM >

_____________________________

"Just because you've always done it that way doesn't mean it's not incredibly stupid." -despair.com

~~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The heart of it all - http://www.wildfleurs.com
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(in reply to shatteringlilium)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:18:21 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43
Resentment is corrosive to a relationship so we focus on this if it occurs and try to figure out where it's really coming from.


I fully agree with this statement.  There is no room in my dynamic with my Master for resentment.  He will not tolerate it and any time I start feeling this way I am to bring those thoughts and feelings to him asap so they can be dealt with.

This happens very rarely anymore.  Once I came to fully realize what being a slave to him means to me, I readily accept his decisions about everything, even if I don't like them much at the time.  He runs my life better than I ever did, so I trust the decisions he makes for me.  I also want for him to be as happy and content and fulfilled as possible, so there really is no place for me to dislike any of the decisions he makes for himself.   

The thing is, once I accepted my slavery completely, I accepted all that came with it.  So if I make a request and he says no, I'm grateful he even considered it.  I'm grateful he gives me the opportunities to make requests, because he could be someone who didn't even allow me that.  Anything he gives me is a privilege, so I don't really feel a need to gripe when a request is denied. 

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Frustration - 12/29/2006 10:24:01 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Hoping this isn't too Pollyanna like here, but I think I've also been blessed to learn in my most recent relationship that when you both find that it's ten times easier to give to the other person than it is to give to yourself, that you got a pretty good situation going- not that we should deny pleasure to ourselves either.

My partner isn't my master in the sense that Owned's master is hers, though I do call him Master.  Despite that, if he said no to something, that gets respected.  Not because he's "the master" and has authority...but just because I can't imagine going against what he thinks is best.  And, oddly enough, I know he feels exactly the same way.

Not that we don't discuss and occasionally argue, but I can't think of a situation in which the other has expressed their feelings honestly and sincerely and we haven't gone along with it.

Maybe it's also a matter of perspective- who cares about this little thing you could argue over when it comes to just being happy with eachother?  And if it's a serious thing, well mature adults discuss it seriously- no matter what authority dynamic they have.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to dawntreader)
Profile   Post #: 34
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