Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking public opinions)

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Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking public op... - 12/21/2006 1:37:28 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

Brightest Blessing,

My Master and I have been together for almost 2 years now. As some may remember from pervious posts his family does not like me. They have put him in a tough position by refusing to come to see him, us. So he has not seen them since last Christmas when we went to New York. For us going to New York is a very expensive trip because of travel cost, hotel, and other expenses. We have both invited them down for various holidays (all of them in fact) and they have declined.Which bafels me. They could simply drive here(we don't currently have a car) and hotels are ALOT cheaper here(we even offered to pay hotel costs).

I know not seeing his family is getting to him. He was very close with his grams and his younger brother and sister (who are 9 and 12). I have been thinking about making arrangements for him to go see his family by himself and surprising him, however; I am not sure if this is a good idea. I know it would be hard for me, but this isn't about me. However, I don’t want him to start to resent me because of the situation.

So I am asking for general opinions.

< Message edited by nikaa -- 12/21/2006 1:39:08 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

Post #: 1

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 1:43:18 PM

DiurnalVampire

Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline

When I was married (vanilla, but that doesnt much impact the situation) my family hated my exhusband. We had no problems going to see his family, they loved me. However, whenever I went to see my family, I went alone. It was a sticky situation at oirst, becasue my mother liked to bad mouth my ex when I was here without him, but once I put my foot down and told her she didnt have to like him, I did, things went fine. The question stands, though, whether or not you'd be alright with the idea. My ex never really cared if my family liked him, and there was just less stress involved with my going to see them. They never once visited us where we were. If this isnt a situation you think might cause problems, then I think it would be a nice surprise. Perhaps even something he has thought about but didnt want to bring up so that he didnt hurt your feelings. The fact that you are even considering it makes you a bigger person than his family is obviously able to be, and I aplaude you for it.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 2

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 1:47:16 PM

drawntothedark

Posts: 572
Joined: 10/19/2006
From: Arkansas
Status: offline

I don't see where you are out of line. In fact I think your whole idea is very sweet and thoughtful. You are putting yourself out of the whole situation even though you will miss him terriably so he may spend time with family who does not like you. How can this be wrong?

Hang in there with the family situation, everything gets better with time. Well most everything........

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 3

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 1:50:11 PM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline

Hi nikka,
I agree you're trying to be the bigger one here than his family.
In D/s relationships as a sub I don't know if I'd go making plans for my Sir without his knowledge or consent.
I'd suggest researching the flight info and prices then consulting him as to if he'd choose to go or not.

suzanne

< Message edited by onestandingstill -- 12/21/2006 1:51:52 PM >

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 4

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 1:58:55 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

I would not arrange it as a supprise. I'd ask your master first. Tell him you want him to see his family and you'll be more than willing to let him go while you do other things.

If he wants to go he'll say so. A supprise trip however a wonderful thought, might not go over to well if he didn't wish to go.

(in reply to drawntothedark)

Post #: 5

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:01:31 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

I agree with YHMA... research the details, have your potential plans all set up and then ask him if he would like to go. If he says "yes", then you can show him the specific plans and ask him if there is anything he would like to do differently before you spend any money.

Good intentions sometimes create messes when we forget Who Decides. Know what I mean?

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 6

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:06:44 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

Diurnal Vampire,

I have come to terms with his family's diapproval or me. He would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt me and prehaps he hasn't suggested him going alone because it would hurt.

Honestly I hate the idea of him going alone but I know he needs this.

suzanna,

That is exactly why I am having trouble going through with setting this up. Granted if he went alone he could most likely stay with his parents or his best friend where that is simply impossible when all four of us go.

Edited to add: I just had a thought if he goes alone how do I, we explain that to our kids? Our daughter and his sister are friends talk on the phone all the time. We have tried to keep them out of the adult drama as much as possible.

< Message edited by nikaa -- 12/21/2006 2:09:53 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)

Post #: 7

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:45:48 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

How about this.

Instead of actually making the arrangements do as others suggested and research it. Then you could make some sort of card gift certificate type thing. All pretty and decorated if you want. Inside you note that you have been worried about him and would like to give him the trip as a gift. Or whatever you wish to write. Just note that you know he has been hurting and you would like him to be able to go regardless of wether you go or not. And explain the plan.

This way you are showing your concern and desire to give it to him without jumping with both feet in case he decides he does not want to go for some reason.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 8

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:48:25 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

As far as the kids. I would just explain to them that in the future they can go but that this is a special trip that he needs to take by himself. If that is the case and they cannot go.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 9

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:49:31 PM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

When the plane fare was dirt cheap in February. My husband and I decided it was time to fly back to the old homestead and visit family. Usually there is a pull from each side to stay with them or visit here and there. So this year, I sent him back for a week on his own just to have his family have him. Then we went back a month later together and MY family got to visit with us.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 10

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:49:53 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nikaa
Edited to add: I just had a thought if he goes alone how do I, we explain that to our kids? Our daughter and his sister are friends talk on the phone all the time. We have tried to keep them out of the adult drama as much as possible.

I don't believe it is always in the best interest of smallish people to provide them with an explanation.

"Daddy is going to visit his parents. He is going alone this time."

Congratulations on keeping your kids out of the drama. So many people don't make the effort.

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 11

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:54:09 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

LaTigresse,

I love this idea!
Thank you for sharing it.

justheather,

I have always tried to keep my kids out of "adult business". I don't lie to them or delude them but there are some issues that are just that adult issues. Plus, truthfully I want them to have a relationship with his family.

Thank you all for your imput and advice.

< Message edited by nikaa -- 12/21/2006 3:02:56 PM >

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 12

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:54:49 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

You are more than welcome.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 13

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 2:58:24 PM

KenDckey

Posts: 4121
Joined: 5/31/2006
Status: offline

As an old soldier who has been seperated from his family more times that I really want to remember, I agree that a trip home for him would be a good thing. I agree with the others that you are definately the bigger person. I would also plan something really special for you and the children to do while Dad is gone. One year I worked for 72 straighht hours so that 9 people could be with their families. It was very rewarding to me and helped me cope. Something special for you and the kids might help you all cope in some way with missing Dad on Christmas. Also if there is a computer and webcam available on both ends you might schedule it so that Dad could watch the kids open their presents.

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 14

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 3:16:59 PM

nikaa

Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline

KenDckey,

I know he would not go on a major holiday such as Christmas. However, I think I will go with LaTigresses idea and make him a gift certificate and giving it to him as a gift on Monday.

I'm not wanting to do this to be the bigger person but to avoid the possiblity of futer resentment because he doesn't see his family. Truthfully the idea of him going alone give me a knot in my stomach.

_____________________________

Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika

The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.

Wakan Tankan Nici Un

(in reply to KenDckey)

Post #: 15

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 3:19:08 PM

Serenityy

Posts: 97
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nikaa

Brightest Blessing,

My Master and I have been together for almost 2 years now. As some may remember from pervious posts his family does not like me. They have put him in a tough position by refusing to come to see him, us. So he has not seen them since last Christmas when we went to New York. For us going to New York is a very expensive trip because of travel cost, hotel, and other expenses. We have both invited them down for various holidays (all of them in fact) and they have declined.Which bafels me. They could simply drive here(we don't currently have a car) and hotels are ALOT cheaper here(we even offered to pay hotel costs).

I know not seeing his family is getting to him. He was very close with his grams and his younger brother and sister (who are 9 and 12). I have been thinking about making arrangements for him to go see his family by himself and surprising him, however; I am not sure if this is a good idea. I know it would be hard for me, but this isn't about me. However, I don’t want him to start to resent me because of the situation.

So I am asking for general opinions.

Hello nikaa

I would not surprise him. However, I would sit him down and let him know your feelings about this. Tell him that you know he misses his family, and that you would like for him to consider going to see them without you. Let him make the choice.

_____________________________

harley

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 16

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 3:22:33 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nikaa
KenDckey,

I know he would not go on a major holiday such as Christmas. However, I think I will go with LaTigresses idea and make him a gift certificate and giving it to him as a gift on Monday.

I'm not wanting to do this to be the bigger person but to avoid the possiblity of futer resentment because he doesn't see his family. Truthfully the idea of him going alone give me a knot in my stomach.

Then he shouldn't go. You shouldn't do things to placate them- they have made their choice, they must live with the consequences of that choice. You don't rub it into their faces, or act villified, you simply accept their choice with a sad smile and continue to offer them invitations to be your guests.

They can and may very well hold you accoutable and blame it all on them- without knowing the circumstances they may be completely justified in wanting you excluded in everything. But you aren't in control of that and shouldn't try and manipulate things to placate them.

If him going simply makes you a bit sad and upset, but you know it's the right thing to do- then by all means do so. If him going is simply another measure to try and open the doors and you don't think it's right, then don't do it.

And, in the future, instead of getting eachother a Christmas, simply save and make the trip to New York your gift to eachother.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 17

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 4:01:18 PM

Alastair

Posts: 11
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline

It sounds like you are trying to be very mature about the situation but talking costs nothing and whilst he may miss them he could also take the attitude of if they cant accept my partner then as much as it hurts screw them. Any plans or no matter how well intentioned could undermine his position as he sees it.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 18

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 5:12:06 PM

diamonddreamlove

Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline

I would find out the information and approach Him with the idea. His decision if he goes not yours. I do think it is a wonderful idea and very generous to give up your time with him for his ungrateful family. Ungrateful because you obviously make him happy and they just can seem to see that.

I have been in the situation where my ex husband (vanilla) was not liked by my family for good cause. He was always treated well anyway but it was easier when i went alone.

_____________________________

"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

(in reply to Alastair)

Post #: 19

RE: Do you think it would be out of line?(Seeking publi... - 12/21/2006 5:20:29 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

quote:

Truthfully the idea of him going alone give me a knot in my stomach.

Are you fearful that his family will interfere in your relationship while you are absent?
As far as giving an explanation to the kids, all you have to tell them is that he is taking the trip by himself to visit his family. You don't have to give a ton of information. I have found, in dealing with kids, that they adjust to the level that the adults in their lives allow them to. If you treat it as matter of fact, they will too. If you are fearful while he is away, they will probably pick up on that as well.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to nikaa)

Post #: 20

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