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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 9:30:57 AM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

I finally got the nerve to go to my first "munch" over the holidays and it wasn't enjoyable.

I had to travel a couple of hours as there isn't much in my neck of the woods and being out of my comfort zone physically as well as mentally made me nervous.

The other "subs" weren't nice as I guess they saw me as new competition and the dommes couldn't have been more UNfriendly. (yes, I left the "d" in lowercase on purpose as I don't feel they are entitled to a capital) I was made to feel like I was imposing because I was there ... whispering, pointing, laughing, etc.

It was apparent they didn't want someone new which is strange since they advertised for anyone to come and "join the fun"

Basically, it made me feel rather disillusioned as I really had to put aside my fears to even take this small leap of faith to actually go in the first place.

I know this isn't indicative of how all people are, but it was very hurtful to treat someone new like that.

Common courtesy is becoming a relic - I may want to be a sub, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person. I guess I feel I should be able to choose who is allowed to "humiliate" me, not having someone decide to do that at the first meeting.

I feel farther out of the loop now than I did 4 months ago - I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect that kind of treatment.

< Message edited by ToGiveDivine -- 1/2/2007 9:46:03 AM >

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 10:02:32 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

I truly am confused

Let me help.... she is the typical person with deep seeded fantasies of this lifestyle... never actually lived it outside of her own mind and all she knows of it is from online and maybe a book or two. But, she is full of opinions on what is right and wrong with the lifestyle.....

Oh... don't get too interested in trying to become unconfused... she is likely to disappear and continue to live in her fantasies. Close-minded individuals don't last long when they are new. They either open them... or run away. I am betting she is a runner.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 22

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 12:50:10 PM

LadyJulieAnn

Posts: 979
Joined: 6/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I finally got the nerve to go to my first "munch" over the holidays and it wasn't enjoyable.

I had to travel a couple of hours as there isn't much in my neck of the woods and being out of my comfort zone physically as well as mentally made me nervous.

The other "subs" weren't nice as I guess they saw me as new competition and the dommes couldn't have been more UNfriendly. (yes, I left the "d" in lowercase on purpose as I don't feel they are entitled to a capital) I was made to feel like I was imposing because I was there ... whispering, pointing, laughing, etc.

It was apparent they didn't want someone new which is strange since they advertised for anyone to come and "join the fun"

Basically, it made me feel rather disillusioned as I really had to put aside my fears to even take this small leap of faith to actually go in the first place.

I know this isn't indicative of how all people are, but it was very hurtful to treat someone new like that.

Common courtesy is becoming a relic - I may want to be a sub, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person. I guess I feel I should be able to choose who is allowed to "humiliate" me, not having someone decide to do that at the first meeting.

I feel farther out of the loop now than I did 4 months ago - I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect that kind of treatment.

I remember feeling ignored at my first munch. It was very much a feeling that if I didn't know anyone already, they weren't about to welcome anyone new. I didn't feel hurt, but chose not to return to that group. I was fortunate later to be invited to another smaller, more friendly group through this site and found the people very welcoming and helpful.

I would encourage you to not give up and feel "out of the loop" after one bad experience. I didn't let a local group define my place in this lifestyle. It's great to have people to talk with, but I never felt like I was "lost" without a local BDSM group. Hang in there and hopefully you will find what you need, with or without a group.

Be well,
Julie

< Message edited by LadyJulieAnn -- 1/2/2007 12:52:47 PM >

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Post #: 23

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 2:26:12 PM

ToGiveDivine

Posts: 650
Status: offline

I more disappointed than anything - no one likes to walk down a new path and stumble.

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Beware, author is often sarcastic in his replies - most often, no sincere offense is intended.

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Post #: 24

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 2:44:39 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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Horrible how such a thing could happen...obviously no such thing as Karma.
Probably won't sleep for next month or two.

out.

D.G.

p.s. Jesus please protect me from your followers

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 8:44:41 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I more disappointed than anything - no one likes to walk down a new path and stumble.

Walking down a new path and expecting not to stumble is nieve and even foolhardy.

I said it before and I will say it again....

It is not when things go wonderful that shows the character of the person... but when things go wrong.

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 9:49:13 PM

TypeAsub1

Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

She didn't just stumble.. she was pushed and tripped and generally mistreated. She has every right to feel distressed about the experience. And the people who treated her that way should be ashamed of themselves.

Unfortunately this isn't unique to bdsm or d/s (although I do find it more prevalent in some bdsm environments)... it happens anywhere that you find groups of people gathering together. People always form clique's and typically they are insecure people who lift their own spirits by stomping all over others.

Don't let them do it. Hold your head high.. and remember this moment. Someday you'll be accepted into the fold and some new person will wander in much as you did.. feeling nervous, unsure of themselves and out of place. Make them welcome and give them the opportunity nobody was willing to give you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I more disappointed than anything - no one likes to walk down a new path and stumble.

Walking down a new path and expecting not to stumble is nieve and even foolhardy.

I said it before and I will say it again....

It is not when things go wonderful that shows the character of the person... but when things go wrong.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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Post #: 27

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/2/2007 10:24:35 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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~Fast Reply~

If you are very worried about it, can't you always change your number? I know that would be a pain in the butt, but it's an idea.

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It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

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Post #: 28

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/3/2007 9:29:31 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

She didn't just stumble.. she was pushed and tripped and generally mistreated. She has every right to feel distressed about the experience. And the people who treated her that way should be ashamed of themselves.

Yes she stumbled... and no she wasn't mistreated or abused. People might of been rude... or maybe they reacted to her in the way she presented herself. After all... you are making the assumption of what she related as being completely accurate. I know alot of people that have come new to group that did rather well and others not so good to that same group. Sometimes it is just the way we behave or energy we send off. Sometimes the right person happens to be their that opens the door and we connect.

The responsibility is a two street not one way when we enter into a new setting. She might be right that the group was horrible or she might be rather wrong in this regard.. I suspect it is abit of both and maybe with little more deeper look into the situaiton.. one can understand better why it occurred and how it can be different the next time.

She stumbled... like many do when they enter into a new group. ... Her character will show by what she does about it. He can stay home and hid and live her fantasies in her mind.... or she can perserve and not let one bad experience keep her from living what is within her heart and mind. It so easy to blame others and make excuses for why we don't have this or that.... I have what I have... it is me that is accountable for it.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/3/2007 9:42:34 AM

Tikkiee

Posts: 1099
Joined: 4/6/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tikkiee

I truly am confused

Let me help.... she is the typical person with deep seeded fantasies of this lifestyle... never actually lived it outside of her own mind and all she knows of it is from online and maybe a book or two. But, she is full of opinions on what is right and wrong with the lifestyle.....

Oh... don't get too interested in trying to become unconfused... she is likely to disappear and continue to live in her fantasies. Close-minded individuals don't last long when they are new. They either open them... or run away. I am betting she is a runner.

LOL why thank you kindly

I will admit though that I followed this thread and I am still lost

/sigh

I think I am brain dead

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/3/2007 9:53:47 AM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ToGiveDivine

I finally got the nerve to go to my first "munch" over the holidays and it wasn't enjoyable.

I had to travel a couple of hours as there isn't much in my neck of the woods and being out of my comfort zone physically as well as mentally made me nervous.

The other "subs" weren't nice as I guess they saw me as new competition and the dommes couldn't have been more UNfriendly. (yes, I left the "d" in lowercase on purpose as I don't feel they are entitled to a capital) I was made to feel like I was imposing because I was there ... whispering, pointing, laughing, etc.

It was apparent they didn't want someone new which is strange since they advertised for anyone to come and "join the fun"

Basically, it made me feel rather disillusioned as I really had to put aside my fears to even take this small leap of faith to actually go in the first place.

I know this isn't indicative of how all people are, but it was very hurtful to treat someone new like that.

Common courtesy is becoming a relic - I may want to be a sub, but that doesn't mean I'm not a person. I guess I feel I should be able to choose who is allowed to "humiliate" me, not having someone decide to do that at the first meeting.

I feel farther out of the loop now than I did 4 months ago - I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't expect that kind of treatment.

Here's the other side to that coin:

I go to munches. I've had my difficulties becoming involved. That's ok. I've made friends and look forward to attending these functions so that they and I can catch up with each other.

Making friends, being outgoing, and small talk in general is very difficult for me. When new people come in the door, I have absolutely NO idea what to say to them. The whispering and pointing IF it happens is generally due to "Look. Is she new?... who?...that girl - over there *point*... I don't know...go find out, no you go...uh uh. you were the one who noticed, you go do that. ... you know I have a hard time doing that...." and so on and so on and so on.

In other words, you're not the only one with insecurities out there. Some of those very people you are accusing of being unwelcoming have just as many difficulties greeting people as you apparently did.

Add to that, the fact that since I DO use munches as a way of catching up with my friends, I'm not that hard-pressed to go meet new people. I realize from your perspective that that's probably rude, but so is expecting me to give up my one night a month to carry on small-talk with someone I don't know and may or may not get along with.

I recognize that that sounds selfish, but my view is that if you're here the next three months or so, I'll eventually meet you and at least, when that happens, I'm not going to lose the chance to visit with my friends on someone who may or may not be back next month.

Just because some people don't consider themselves the bastions of the welcome wagon doesn't mean they're not eventually friendly or good people.

And here's the other news flash:

Lots of us don't think it's our job to make every new person feel like they've come "home." Some of us actually believe that entrance into all this should be a tad more difficult. When someone has to WORK at what they want, it tends to demonstrate that they WANT to be here and are not just visiting as if they're off to the zoo to see the odd animals there.

So...now that that's said...

Go back. Do it again.And again and again and again. Show that this is something you want. Demonstrate that you are here for the long haul. And just like in any other social setting, eventually, people will come to know you, like you and be your friend.

And if on down the road, you feel that your chosen duty is to be the welcome wagon, well then, more power to you. I think that's great. I really do. It's just not me.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 1/3/2007 9:56:43 AM >

(in reply to ToGiveDivine)

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RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/4/2007 4:22:47 AM

TypeAsub1

Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
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No offense but... Subs at these kinds of events can be competitive, aggressive and downright predatory. I've seen it. I've experienced it.. and I refuse to go to this tripe as a result of it. It's not an uncommon occurance at all.

Doms don't see it.. usually they don't even care. I believe her, because I've experienced it myself and the people I attended a few munches with, would always spend time giving me a 'heads up' on who to ignore, who would be rude etc. etc.

Same ole, Same ole... HighSchool never ends.

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

She didn't just stumble.. she was pushed and tripped and generally mistreated. She has every right to feel distressed about the experience. And the people who treated her that way should be ashamed of themselves.

Yes she stumbled... and no she wasn't mistreated or abused. People might of been rude... or maybe they reacted to her in the way she presented herself. After all... you are making the assumption of what she related as being completely accurate. I know alot of people that have come new to group that did rather well and others not so good to that same group. Sometimes it is just the way we behave or energy we send off. Sometimes the right person happens to be their that opens the door and we connect.

The responsibility is a two street not one way when we enter into a new setting. She might be right that the group was horrible or she might be rather wrong in this regard.. I suspect it is abit of both and maybe with little more deeper look into the situaiton.. one can understand better why it occurred and how it can be different the next time.

She stumbled... like many do when they enter into a new group. ... Her character will show by what she does about it. He can stay home and hid and live her fantasies in her mind.... or she can perserve and not let one bad experience keep her from living what is within her heart and mind. It so easy to blame others and make excuses for why we don't have this or that.... I have what I have... it is me that is accountable for it.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

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Post #: 32

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/4/2007 4:31:14 AM

TypeAsub1

Posts: 65
Joined: 12/10/2006
Status: offline

Juliet...

That is the equivalent of assuming guilt. In taking that approach you are punishing the majority of innocent people... in order to protect yourselves from a very few minority intruders. That's just silly.

Welcome everyone.. if someon turns out to be a jerk - treat them as such. Nobody should walk into an environment of hostility because people are afraid that they MIGHT be someone there for some cheap thrills.

Maybe... just maybe.. they want to come and see the zoo because the participants are acting like stupid animals by chewing up and spitting out people who come looking to learn and join a community. I mean who can resist that? It's like slowing down to see a car accident! Next time, sell tickets to the gawkers, before you go about punishing the nice folks. At least you'll profit from it AND you'll have the great satisfaction of knowing that you did, indeed, make it a little more tough for someone.

Sheesh... that's just about the saddest comment i've seen on forums in 5 years.. and I used to post in politics!

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra
And here's the other news flash:

Lots of us don't think it's our job to make every new person feel like they've come "home." Some of us actually believe that entrance into all this should be a tad more difficult. When someone has to WORK at what they want, it tends to demonstrate that they WANT to be here and are not just visiting as if they're off to the zoo to see the odd animals there.

(in reply to julietsierra)

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Post #: 33

RE: How Much It Sucks - 1/4/2007 7:31:50 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TypeAsub1

No offense but... Subs at these kinds of events can be competitive, aggressive and downright predatory. I've seen it. I've experienced it.. and I refuse to go to this tripe as a result of it. It's not an uncommon occurance at all.

Doms don't see it.. usually they don't even care. I believe her, because I've experienced it myself and the people I attended a few munches with, would always spend time giving me a 'heads up' on who to ignore, who would be rude etc. etc.

Same ole, Same ole... HighSchool never ends.

Subs at these events????? So all these subs can be competitive and aggressive and downright predatory... mmmmmmm Can be... so maybe the are not too then. In fact... I seen both... those that are and those that are not. And just because it is not common ... doesn't mean that this given situation is what actually occurred... I suppose you can stick to the typical High School attitude and say that such things are High School... or you can be grown up about it and realize that it takes more than a simple post to make such High School judgements.

mmmmmmm Doms don't see it uh??? mmmmmmm guess I am not a Dom, because I see it... of course... because they don't see ... maybe that is usually why they don't care. Of course... I don't care about others... but I do care about what is mine and it will be a very bad day if my girls ever pull this High School Crap.

You believe her because you experinced it? Oh that is great logic.... almost High School... but not quite... Jr High I would say.

Just because you experience it doesn't mean she has actually experienced it. Just because you experience it doesn't take in account her own behaviors. Doesn't take account everyone else's behaviors as well.

You talk about High School.... well you are showing the typical behaviors and thoughts of such.... I am actually disappointed... I thought I was seeing more from you than that. Oh well... everyone has an emotional hot button.... I guess your character will show on you deal with it... not that you happen to have it.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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Post #: 34