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Lacking willpower - 12/17/2006 11:26:14 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		*sigh*  Why is it so hard to stand firm in a decision to limit contact, once you have been in a ds relationship with someone?  Is it a masochistic tendency that drives a need to see someones name light up on a messenger, knowing that they may or may not acknowlege you? 
I am generally not a whiner, but if you can, clue me in on why we might need to shove our heads into lost causes.  One would think you could grow out of something like that eventually.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/17/2006 11:32:40 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I dont know, I went through the same thing for a while when Angel needed to "find" himself.  I agreed to limit communication so i didnt influence his decision and every time Id see him on messenger, Id wonder if he was going to want to talk that day or not.  What was worse for me was that, as the Domme, I couldnt break the silence on my end since I was the one who told him we should limit our commnication until he figured things out.
Its like limiting any other relationship... you need to take time to get used to not having the otehr party at your fingertips.  Once you get used to not talking for a while, it is far easier.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/17/2006 11:50:44 PM   
CerebralDomHfx


Posts: 7
Joined: 10/7/2006
From: Halifax
Status: offline 		It can be tricky. It's natural to want to talk and be with someone you're interested in. I've got an iron will, and I still have these feelings from time to time. The difference is that as a D, I stick to my decisions, unless the circumstances that lead to that decision change.

If you are typing to stay away, then really do it. Stop logging into chat, and find other things to do to break your habits. The more you think about it and want it, the more it will have control of you.

(in reply to DiurnalVampire)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/17/2006 11:54:01 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Masochistic need?

Perhaps.  I went through about 6 years of that with my last boyfriend.  Things started out great, but it was new "love" and I was 16.  A lot of things happened and a lot of shit entered our lives that had a lot to do with our eventual and slow downfall.   But no matter what, we couldn't give each other or ourselves a break.  It seemed like in my essentially submitting to some inner need to be around him no matter what, that my self torture over feeling that I was the cause of everything, fed into his need to control under a facade of distance and "intelligence".   Despite the love we had for each other, we tortured each other and ourselves, we seemed to feed off of it and at times even though we remain close in heart and friends and despite the physical distance from each other, I feel as though after so many years (even including those things outside that relationship and before it) that on some level that I crave and almost need that inner torment on some level to make me feel grounded.  Like I have to feel that pain even now to know that I'm still here, I'm still who I was on some level.

I know now that I've moved on from that relationship and that it had to take me moving states away from him to regain my inner peace that I could never let myself go back to the mental state and emotional anguish I allowed myself to be subjected to.  But a bit of a reminder seems to keep things in perspective for me, to remind me of the things that I should never have to deal with again.

And in turn, I've found a better way to sate my masochistic nature, and have turned to physical pain delivered by someone that I trust and love and that trusts and loves me in return.  I'm in a place I never thought I could be.  Funny how things work.

It seems that what I tried to find in my ex, I found in someone much...quieter, nicer and more respectful.  More understanding and willing to delve into that which feeds me in a more healthy way.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 1:50:24 AM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Wanting the willpower to not care is like wanting the willpower to stop smoking, it isn't going to happen. Having the strength to deny yourself that one cigarette at a time is a sure fire way of not stopping smoking because what harm just one last cigarette do? You have to reconceptualize your situation. I had it bad like you once, I had to reinvent in my head the reality of the situation.

Actually its because of something like this I won't entertain another online relationship. They suck.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 5:32:24 AM   
Voltare


Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline 		Having been in your shoes, I can only offer a couple tips (like the smoker trying to cope with the need for just one.)

Change your IM name and email addresses.  Make it impossible for him to contact you personally.  On your new 'name' never ever ever add him.  Print something out (maybe a horrible email he sent) that reminds you of why you're doing this, and tape it to your monitor.

Make a concentrated effort to do something time-intensive offline.  Maybe learn a craft, volunteer at a shelter, something that will keep you away from your PC, and especially in meeting new people - not necessarily new lovers.

Give yourself some time to cope with the changes before you go back 'on the market.'

There's nothing wrong with missing him, as long as you try not to forget why you -shouldn't- miss him.


_____________________________

http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 5:39:05 AM   
losttreasure


Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

.... Is it a masochistic tendency that drives a need to see someones name light up on a messenger, knowing that they may or may not acknowlege you? 


No more than it would be a sadistic tendency to make your presence known to others with no intention of acknowledging them. 

Good or bad, relationships are a "living" thing.  They can be cultivated... grown, restricted, allowed to stagnate, or ended by what you put into them.  Typically people will invest based on what interest they have in the result.  If they have minimal interest in seeing the relationship flourish, they usually won't put much time or effort into nourishing it.  If they are cautious about letting a relationship get out of control, they might limit what they put into it.  Sometimes people put too much into a relationship that isn't good or one that is beyond ever being healthy.  Ending a relationship completely requires removing anything that might sustain it.

What you have to look at is your own motivations for your interest.  What is it that you are getting out of it?

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 6:40:03 AM   
MstrssPassion


Posts: 2444
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: West Palm Beach, FL
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

*sigh*  Why is it so hard to stand firm in a decision to limit contact, once you have been in a ds relationship with someone?  Is it a masochistic tendency that drives a need to see someones name light up on a messenger, knowing that they may or may not acknowlege you? 
I am generally not a whiner, but if you can, clue me in on why we might need to shove our heads into lost causes.  One would think you could grow out of something like that eventually.
Kyst


limited contact?
wtf is that anyway?

Is that like the other crushing type of break up that goes like "let's just be friends" ???

BAHHHHHHHHHH!

Delete the person from your freaking messenger. If you remove them you won't see their name light up. Don't let yourself turn into a net stalker that sits there watching the little glowing name pop on & off all the while you sit there miserable & hoping that the little box will pop up with that name on it. That really is kinda creepy, don't you think?

Some people can break & remain friends but that is when they are honest with each other & especially themselves.

Can you honestly just be friends? Or in your case, are you ok with this agreement of limited contact. (I still can't figure out what that's all about)

If you can't handle just being friends or in your case... being on a somewhat I know your there but I'm ignoring you in a friendly way limited contact agreement then you really need to consider finding a method of closing the door & moving on.

< Message edited by MstrssPassion -- 12/18/2006 6:51:54 AM >

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MstrssPassion


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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 6:46:11 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i think it is because we want to put off the hurt.
 
but it does not really do that, it only appears to do so.
 
i have found that pain comes in waves....and i dont know if you have ever been in the ocean but you have three choices when you are in the water and a wave is coming...
 
one you can run to the safety of the shore....the only problem with this theory is that the waves keep coming and you will keep running
 
the second is to stand firm and allow the wave to pass over you, in a situation like the one you describe, it is almost surreal to do this, you know it will be big, you know you are going to go under and be knocked over, but you also know "this too will pass" this is the technique use most often. I know that i will feel feelings of loss, abandonment, fear, anger and pain but i try to stand still knowing that if i run it wont help and i wont get the lesson and there for will most likely repeat it.
 
there is one more way to deal with pain, and i am working on cultivating these skills....you surf the wave.
 
this looks like making a list of all the things you were grateful for about him:
all the things you learned from him
all the things you learned about your self
all the things you loved about him
all the things you loved about yourself that you felt when you were with him.
build a picture of your next relationship with the positive aspects of him as your template
 
and then when the wave comes, swim into it, let it lift you and push you forward, knowing that it has the power to move you powerfully into the direction of your dreams...
 

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 7:13:29 AM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

*sigh*  Why is it so hard to stand firm in a decision to limit contact, once you have been in a ds relationship with someone?  Is it a masochistic tendency that drives a need to see someones name light up on a messenger, knowing that they may or may not acknowlege you? 
I am generally not a whiner, but if you can, clue me in on why we might need to shove our heads into lost causes.  One would think you could grow out of something like that eventually.
Kyst


This is spurned by the "need to win"  drive.  Which is similar to the "getting in the last word" drive.
 
Yes, you will get over it as soon as someone else has your interests.

_____________________________

Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 7:35:47 AM   
Mavis


Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline 		i think Lotus nailed it.  Adding there is also the forbidden fruit thing..

(in reply to LotusSong)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 8:56:04 AM   
pixelslave


Posts: 1444
Joined: 8/19/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

there is one more way to deal with pain, and i am working on cultivating these skills....you surf the wave.
 
this looks like making a list of all the things you were grateful for about him:
all the things you learned from him
all the things you learned about your self
all the things you loved about him
all the things you loved about yourself that you felt when you were with him.
build a picture of your next relationship with the positive aspects of him as your template
 
and then when the wave comes, swim into it, let it lift you and push you forward, knowing that it has the power to move you powerfully into the direction of your dreams...
 


That's cool crouchingtigress!  I like that analogy and the steps you've outlined.  Its very timely for me having ended a LTR within the last year and still needing to reframe it in a more positive way. 

For the sake of my kids, I still need to deal with a very angry ex, yet find a way move on with my life in a very positive way.  Unfortunately the turmoil that keeps comes up is getting in my way and I'm trying to figure out how to quit letting myself get caught up in that negative crap.  I know that if it didn't affect the kids, I wouldn't bite into it and I could easily ignore it.  But since it does, it isn't as easy for me, so I'll need to add to your list, but its a good place for me to start.  Thanks!

- pixel

_____________________________

Chivalry isn't dead! It's for those who have it in their hearts & are willing to be taught. It's a way of life, a code of honor; this one's armor still needs some polishing!

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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:13:52 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I wish this had just been online!  This is a man I work with, and see only when I can't avoid it.  I am really good at being stoic when I am in his sight, but at night when we made it a habit to chat everynight we were not together.. it is HARD to not hope.  :(
Today he was supposed to come and pick something up from my office to install somewhere else.  I don't think I can handle that so I will install it myself and let him go there and finish anything that needs to be done.  It's my small attempt at pulling back from this ache.
Gawd I thought I got over this stuff when I was much younger.
Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Actually its because of something like this I won't entertain another online relationship. They suck.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:16:18 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		It kind of does feel like he enjoys dangling me.  It is unlikely I know, but there is precedence for this feeling.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
No more than it would be a sadistic tendency to make your presence known to others with no intention of acknowledging them. 


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to losttreasure)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:22:00 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you.  This has been the thing I have been trying for a while.  I wish it worked consistantly!   There is still that part of me that has that desperation to breathe so intensely that I would almost rather suck in, and risk it all.
This week I will honestly try to keep self focused.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:25:00 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		This doesnt fit me at all.  I am the non compete type.  Even when I know I can win, I step back.  It is a bad habit that stems from childhood, that I wish I knew how to break.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to LotusSong)
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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:49:38 AM   
lateralist1


Posts: 886
Joined: 11/22/2006
Status: offline 		Wow. What a fantastic response. So other people do feel like me after all lol.
Although I have discovered I am physically a sadist. I have always known that I was an emotional masochist.
What I used to do was cover the hurt of one bad relationship with the newness of another bad relationship lol.
I knew they were wrong for me all the time.
But I was hooked on it.
I know why now and am starting to learn how not to go there.
I always used to fall for dominant men.
While all the time I knew that I was in reality far more dominant than they were and that it could never really work between us.
So now I fall for submissive men at least I'm in with a chance.
However as it takes two to tango it still doesn't always work out.
I allow myself to enjoy the pain for a short time and then make myself get over it.
Always with the hope that they will understand what they are missing and will come back to me.
Being polyamorous of course helps.
It means that I don't have to stop loving one person to love someone else.
Which is really quite a bonus as I adore being in love.
I always think positive. Just think of all the glorious feelings I would miss out on if I never felt that way.
If something is going to end then it is going to end it doesn't really matter who has the final say now does it?
I would rather the other person did so they at least feel a bit better about it. However if it has to be me then I will do it. Hurting someone emotionally isn't my thing though. But it happens sometimes even if you don't want it to.
I don't think anyone truly knows whether their feelings will change over time or not.
So you have to give it time before you commit for life.
Both people have to really want that more than anything else in the world.

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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:49:53 AM   
Naughtygal33


Posts: 13
Joined: 9/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

*sigh*  Why is it so hard to stand firm in a decision to limit contact, once you have been in a ds relationship with someone?  Is it a masochistic tendency that drives a need to see someones name light up on a messenger, knowing that they may or may not acknowlege you? 
I am generally not a whiner, but if you can, clue me in on why we might need to shove our heads into lost causes.  One would think you could grow out of something like that eventually.
Kyst


I have recently gone through something similar.  I found myself practically sitting on my hands just so that I would not contact him.  Looking back, I realize that part of the pain was losing the comfortable routine that had been established.  I felt a bit lost during the time frame of the day that had previously been reserved for us.

Voltare hit the nail on the head; keeping yourself busy with new activities or projects during your vulnerable times should help you keep your willpower up.

Best of luck to you.


(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 9:55:18 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Courtesy of Terri Clark:
Don't tell me the reason that you're calling
Is to see if I'm all right since you've been gone
'Cause I know you and I know why we're talking
You're wanting me to say I'm barely hanging on
Well, maybe that was true for a night or two
But now, I got better things to do

I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Maybe when I don't have so much going
Or quite so many irons in the fire
I'll take the time to miss you like you're hoping
But now, I can't put forth the effort it requires
Well, I'd love to talk to you, but then, I'd miss Donahue
That's right, I got better things to do

I could wash my car in the rain
Change my new guitar strings
Mow the yard just the same as I did yesterday
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do

Check the air in my tires
Straighten my stereo wires
Count the stars in the sky or just get on with my life
I don't need to waste my time crying over you
I got better things to do
I got better things to do



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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: Lacking willpower - 12/18/2006 10:00:50 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Are you getting anything out of this "limited" relationship?  Other than giving power to another person to drive you batty?  Not all relationships are meant to end in friendship.  Sometimes severing with a sharp knife is a good thing.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to Missokyst)
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