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RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 9:58:46 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

Human nature 101 for everyone involved. There are plenty of newbies that come into the life level headed, open minded and patient. There are also plenty that rush in. Who are people going to notice the most, probably the ones that rush in get burned and then we read or hear their stories. Most people happy and content are not usually shouting this from the rooftop.

Human beings also are obsessed with the dichotomy of wanting to be special but wanting to fit in. We tend to talk and write like what we do is special and better but at the same time want others to do the same thing we do to validate this. On the board we might see three posts that have a different opinion then ours so our reply might just be one sided. In the end usually all view points are represented.

Everyone’s introduction to this life was different. Some smoothly went into this, some it was quite bumpy and others somewhere in between. Sharing opinions and honest experiences should only be a good thing. Making absolute judgments or general facts about those opinions and experiences and implying them on other people is a bad thing. In the end, it is what the person does with the information they have. Those who blindly follow or those who blindly disregard are probably in for some tough times. The people who do something in between by using their own brain and knowing themselves are probably going to have positive experiences.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 21

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 10:36:39 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

I don't think 'newbies' should be fed at all. They should be shown and told of examples both good and bad. They should be given the tools to feed themselves, or at best - pointed to the lifestyle's infinite buffet line. Let them see and/or try it all. No matter the length and breath of any experience, the 'taste' varies from one person to the next. Remember, somebody is out there buying anchovies, somebody had to be the first to try eat an oyster. It's difficult to 'hand feed' without applying personal judgment even if it's subliminal.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 22

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 10:39:28 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

agreed, many times they have bitten the hand that feeds them out here.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 23

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 1:50:15 PM

Siona

Posts: 242
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

I don't think 'newbies' should be fed at all. They should be shown and told of examples both good and bad. They should be given the tools to feed themselves, or at best - pointed to the lifestyle's infinite buffet line. Let them see and/or try it all. No matter the length and breath of any experience, the 'taste' varies from one person to the next. Remember, somebody is out there buying anchovies, somebody had to be the first to try eat an oyster. It's difficult to 'hand feed' without applying personal judgment even if it's subliminal.

I totally agree.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 24

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 2:47:22 PM

julietsierra

Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline

I'm pretty close to Mercnbeth's view. It may seem heartless, cold, cruel even, but I'm of the mind that this life shouldn't be all that easy to pick up and run with. It exacts a price. Sometimes, that price is high. When someone makes mistakes and finds they are NOT running away, they just may be on to something. When they have to get courage up to attend a munch alone, find out things on their own...they are making conscious decisions to pay that price to pursue what they are wanting.

People who choose to rush in very rarely hear "take your time, be patient." And even if what they learn is difficult, the fact is, that what they learn are their own views - not ours. To me, this is all very important. So... when I read posts that say "oooh, we should be careful of what the newbies are learning here," I find it remarkably insulting (especially if I was a newbie), and my first questions always end up being "why? Is there information out there that's somehow off limits? Are there ideas that should not be explored until you reach some imaginary milestone? Do you get a gold watch and a promotion after x number of months/years of service (or management)?"

When someone wants this badly enough to pursue their own learning, and requests specific information, then absolutely, we can share what we know. Beyond that however, I don't believe it's our responsibility to structure responses in a public forum "to protect the newbies" from themselves.

juliet

< Message edited by julietsierra -- 12/13/2006 2:50:55 PM >

(in reply to Siona)

Post #: 25

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 3:00:08 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Newbies and their stupid mistakes are here for our amusement. How many times have posters come here, ready to do stupid stuff, we attempt to convince them otherwise, they do the stupid stuff, then return and cry about how stupid they are. Guess what...we already knew it!

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to julietsierra)

Post #: 26

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 4:12:49 PM

kyraofMists

Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

It wasn't so very long ago that I first started exploring my interest in BDSM and M/s relationships. One of the first people I met was my Lord. Until I became his, I can only recall one edict that he handed down to me and that was "Don't eat shirmp" after a particularly bad batch left me sick for over a week.

In regards to BDSM and M/s he spent hours explaining his thoughts and opinions and patiently answering all my questions. Then he encouraged me to ask the same questions to multiple other people just so I could hear many different points of views. He did not want his opinions to be the only ones I was exposed to and he wanted to make sure that my consent, if given, was as fully informed as possible.

Inevitably what happened in asking others is they would quote the mantras or cliche sayings of do this and don't do that. I didn't see much evidence of critical thinking on their part to explain why they had these opinions. Most of the others that I spoke to were people from munches, meetings and play parties and not online.

Honestly, I think I violated many of the don't do's the first week that I spent with my Lord and if I had listened to all of them, I would not be as fulfilled.

*edited to add... Thank you to everyone for answering.

Knight's kyra

< Message edited by kyraofMists -- 12/13/2006 4:18:36 PM >

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to kyraofMists)

Post #: 27

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 4:15:44 PM

ExSteelAgain

Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Newbies and their stupid mistakes are here for our amusement. How many times have posters come here, ready to do stupid stuff, we attempt to convince them otherwise, they do the stupid stuff, then return and cry about how stupid they are. Guess what...we already knew it!

LOL...true.

_____________________________

You can paint a cinder block bright pastel pink, but it's still a cinder block. (By Me.)

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 28

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 4:27:20 PM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And usually I'm told I'm far too mean to the novices so I doubt I'll have to worry about this particular problem of handfeeding them.

Generally speaking they tend to be too scared to get too close to me... so being out of arms reach limits my ability to hand feed them.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 29

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 5:41:35 PM

CalliopePurple

Posts: 2539
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: SeaTac area
Status: offline

LA, I don't think you're mean. Just very,very blunt and not everyone appreciates being told opinions in simple language.

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Kimi ni aitakute dare yori mo aitakute
hajimete kimi ni atta hoshizora no shita de.
Kimi ni tsutaetai todokanai omoi demo
boku no kokoro wa mada kimi o sagashiteiru.

Gackt - Kimi ni Aitakute

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 30

RE: Hand feeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 5:56:28 PM

aleshaDreams

Posts: 184
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline

There is a ton of information out there on the internet and in the community. People will listen to what and only what they want to hear, and i have heard it time and time again people stating i told you so, but you did not listen. Some people are meant to learn things the hard way though, its in their nature. Even i offered an objectionable viewpoint to someone recently that is slightly older than me, and whom i thought should know better, and I was treated with retaliation. Now i just point blank do not care about others, if they want to hang themselves, have fun.

It all seems fine and dandy to offer options, but i think that should be based on the real interest of someone that you have good sense they are listening and taking heed in your words. Otherwise really you are just wasting valuable time and energy on someone that obviously doesnot care awhole lot about themself to even do any research, ask questions, or attempt to understand the dynamics they are are so willing to blindly walk into. I say save your breathe for those whom care to listen.

Scrolls back and sees Knight of Mists post: yes i am one of those scared to meet you lol. That is now just too funny i know, but true. lol

< Message edited by aleshaDreams -- 12/13/2006 5:59:18 PM >

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 31

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/13/2006 5:58:58 PM

Voltare

Posts: 841
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Santiago, Chile
Status: offline

Erm, aren't we giving ourselves a little too much credit here?

The world is filled with stupid people. It stands to reason, some of them will visit this board, post stupid things, and go on to do stupid things. That doesn't make our advice or discussions any more or less valid.

Ask yourself - would you blindly commit to an action or situation based solely on the advice you were given by people on a sexually themed forum? It's great that we offer guidance, support, and sometimes a reality check to those who show us they need it. That doesn't make us saviors or demons.

I don't write advice to people here on the forum because I have a genuine interest in who they are and what happens. I'm not a counselor, I don't offer psychotherepy, and I don't want the burden of their successes or failures on my conscience. I like the challenge of considering situations and the related social and emotional issues involved. They make me laugh, hurt, and think. I have a sense that I do some good, though most of the good I do is self serving I suppose, because we don't really know the people we are talking to.

Newbies aren't puppies. They don't need to be hand fed, nurtured, and cared for. They're adults who may or may not be interested in topics we enjoy and collectively know a lot about. Adults shouldn't be handled with 'kid gloves' without a darned good reason.

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http://www.vv3b.com/

"There is always some madness in love, but there is always some reason in madness." - F. Nietzsche

(in reply to CalliopePurple)

Post #: 32

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/14/2006 2:44:04 AM

missturbation

Posts: 8290
Joined: 2/12/2006
From: another planet
Status: offline

Lucky albatross - And usually I'm told I'm far too mean to the novices so I doubt I'll have to worry about this particular problem of handfeeding them.
I certainly don't think you are mean - you just state your point without sugar coating. I have often followed your advice and its worked for me.

Knightof mists - Generally speaking they tend to be too scared to get too close to me... so being out of arms reach limits my ability to hand feed them
I have to admit you do scare me in a good way of course but again i listen to your advice regularly. Would i get close enough for you to hand feed? Lol probably not.

_____________________________

What you don't witness with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth. Proverb.

If it fit's in a toaster, i can cook it.

Buying 10 item's or less is not shopping !!

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 33

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/14/2006 6:50:40 PM

theRose4U

Posts: 3403
Joined: 8/22/2005
Status: offline

It's not like we hand out a welcome basket for the newbies. Ok here's your safety calling card, your get out of bondage free card, training wheel flogger and gummi cuffs. Now be a good little kinkster and play nice.

Many ask questions and whether they like the answers or not it up to them. As my mom used to say, don't ask the question if you don't want the answer. As katy pointed out too many come on here claiming to be an expert at everything when they decided they were kinky just this morning. 0-120 right out of the gate and often use colorful language to the effect of up yours when you point out that using home depot nails to tack your subs tits to the wall on your first day might be a little over the top. They have the option to listen or not but crying to the class when we told you so is just more fun for us. Getting mad because we point and laugh is your own problem.

_____________________________

Finding a good sub is like sifting through trail mix. You find a few fruits, a lotta nuts and have to sift to get to the sweet and special ones
drama llama

(in reply to missturbation)

Post #: 34

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/14/2006 7:45:11 PM

Tamerofwild1s

Posts: 1765
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline

What answer did you get to question 23

choice B .. what did you get

I didn't I was waiting for you to give me the answers ....

enough said I suppose

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A building get torched. All that is left is ashes. I used to think that it is true about everything - family, friends, feelings - but now I know that sometimes if love proves real, and two people are meant to be together, nothing can keep them apart ~

(in reply to theRose4U)

Post #: 35

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/16/2006 12:52:20 PM

MzMia

Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Altina

I will be honest, the only advice that I ever give to a new person is to take your time and get to know the other person. I don't adovocate safewords, safe calls, public play, nothing.

The only thing I suggest is to take your time, read everything you can, ask questions when you can, watch others, and then make your own informed decisions about what is and is not right for you.

I agree with most of what has been said here, BRAVO!
I will add, at some point in life you also must use common sense and intuition.
There are dangerous people in this lifestyle, and dangerous people NOT in this lifestyle.
There is no short cut for being careful, taking your time, being cautious and using common sense.

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain

What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to Altina)

Post #: 36

RE: Handfeeding Newbies - 12/17/2006 6:54:39 PM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

Everyone's already said what I would (I was surprised when Owned echoed my own thoughts in that I think everyone DOES eventually have to make the answers for themselves...they just try and delay it by getting the easy answers from others)

And usually I'm told I'm far too mean to the novices so I doubt I'll have to worry about this particular problem of handfeeding them.

You are! You're a big ol' meanie!!

And I love you for it.

Love - another big ol' meanie. And I'm dangerous, too - or so I've heard.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 37

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