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Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:41:18 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		I was corresponding with a Dominant the other day and in the course of conversation I found that our interests were far, far apart. He was not local and was not relocatable. I am also not relocatable. He is into being primarily a "bedroom Top". I'm a round the clock kind of gal. His S&M interests were along the lines of spankings and such but "no heavy pain stuff". I'm a masochist. Etc, etc. When I told him that I didn't think that we were enough of a match to really pursue it farther he seemed to want to push it. Ultimately, his response was along the lines of "I can't believe you won't go out with me because I won't set you on fire."

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:46:32 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


No.

I have rejected a couple of seemingly nice gentlemen that were tops with no interest in any Ds outside of the bedroom whatsoever. I have also rejected one very nice, classy, attractive, and successful guy because he was not into sadism to the point of even spanking me would have been a stretch (he was into bondage). It was not in the cards as they say, and this guy was the one that taught me to check this out sooner rather than later, it is sad to have a lot in common with someone and think they are swell but the kinks just do not match up. My masochism is not the motivator for my submission, but it certainly is something I am intent on exploring with someone that enjoys inflicting pain to some degree.

Great topic

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:46:34 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Erin, I would not.  I was talking to a sadist whom I found attractive, until he talked about some of things he enjoyed, well, I knew I could never go there and be happy (edge play).  I could go there and be on edge constantly, and scared, but not happy within a relationship.  He explained that he could "tone it down" and perhaps "I would learn to like it."  I couldn't see it happening, I don't think people should have to change a big part of themselves to be in a relationship, not when there are more compatible people out there.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:47:51 AM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


No.

Someone who would is in my opinion desperate.

I don't find desperation attractive in a partner, a friend, or anyone.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:52:29 AM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		Long distance, different interest on how you see the life style, and no one can relocate. It sounds like it's not meant to be. He should realize that you're not the one for him. He's more focused on being with somone instead of the right one. Just because he can settle for a little misery and comprimise does not mean that you should have to. If he can't understand that, get use to your block and delete buttons.  

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:54:40 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		No. There would be no reason to.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:54:47 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		This is a great topic cuz I think we all run into this a lot.  I mean, you find someone you love talking to...might want to be friends with, but no interest in forming a D/s relationship. 

Nope...it just wouldn't work for me and ultimately, I don't think it would work for the other person.  Yeah, you might be able to adapt to whatever the other person's kink is but that's not how I want to live.

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:57:35 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline 		While I realize that it would be rare for two people to be identical in what they are ultimately seeking and some compromise is really a given, I think that "we are very different people looking for very different things" is a perfectly valid reason to say that you do not wish to pursue it further. I don't know....he seemed to think it was a foolish reason to discount any further possibilities.....and he also seemed to take it rather personally.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 7:59:07 AM   
PlayfulOne


Posts: 1047
Status: offline 		No, if the interest are too far apart I don't see any reason to pursue things.  There ae small things that can be worked with but when you start talking about major differences I don't see amy point.  It would just leave both parties unhappy in the end.

I see too many times when people compromise on issues that from the basis of who they are.  The submissive goes in thinking they will talk the Dominant out of certain things and the Dominant goes in thinking they will teach  the submissive one to like something.  Explains an awful lot of the train wrecks we see.

K







< Message edited by PlayfulOne -- 12/10/2006 8:02:39 AM >

(in reply to thetammyjo)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 8:09:51 AM   
beticat


Posts: 30
Joined: 12/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

I think that "we are very different people looking for very different things" is a perfectly valid reason to say that you do not wish to pursue it further. I don't know....he seemed to think it was a foolish reason to discount any further possibilities.....and he also seemed to take it rather personally.

It is a perfectly valid reason.  I have used almost exactly that phrase when responding to initial contact e-mails (I leave out the different people part) ~ I have not had a single person come back discounting my percption.  The fact that he is discounting your feelings is an issue you should be wary of and his taking it personally is his problem.
Hopefully this helps.
:)
Cat
p.s. The princes are out there... just keep looking!

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 8:46:49 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Remember that no matter how valid the reason is the other person unless they have also come to the same conclussion is going to be caught unaware. (at least a little bit)  When that happens there simply is no way for them to not take any rejection personally. Until the person has reached the same conclussion you have they are going to feel a little upset. I'm not sure how to have it never happen. The only thing we control is our side of something like this.







(in reply to beticat)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:20:08 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Archer
Remember that no matter how valid the reason is the other person unless they have also come to the same conclussion is going to be caught unaware. (at least a little bit)  When that happens there simply is no way for them to not take any rejection personally. Until the person has reached the same conclussion you have they are going to feel a little upset. I'm not sure how to have it never happen. The only thing we control is our side of something like this.


See, I know that it's not rational, but I hate it when I make someone feel bad like that. Being true to myself and my needs IS more important and the reason that I would never consider pursuing something that I know just won't work. It would be like buying shoes 3 sizes too small just because I like the color....knowing full well that short of having half my foot amputated I am never going to get it in there. But I can't help but feel a little sad for their hurt feelings.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Archer)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:21:03 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


That is exactly what I ended up doing.  My Lord's interests in SM were much more intense than I thought I would ever be capable of going.  He lived over 3,000 miles aways and he already had two other girls.  When we met, I did not realize I was a masochist and while I don't mind moving, another country was not something I thought about and I did not even consider being in a poly relationship.

In general though, I think it depends on what the interests are and how different you actually are and whether there is room in the relationship to allow each other to get your interests satisfied elsewhere.

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:24:58 AM   
mistoferin


Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
That is exactly what I ended up doing.  My Lord's interests in SM were much more intense than I thought I would ever be capable of going. 


kyra,
Just for the sake of discussion....now that you have been with your Lord and you have realized your masochistic interests....would you consider someone who stated that they had no interest in such and even went so far as to say that they think it is morally wrong? Would you wish to live from now on without it?

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to kyraofMists)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:32:28 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		So mistoferin I point you to the one line that I had in the last response, LOL

The only thing we control is our side of something like this.

You simply can't control their reaction, you can influence it maybe a little but not control it.
What you can control is your own issue with the being upset when someone else is hurt a little by your actions/ words.
Thinking about the fact that they have not reached the same conclussion yet may be your best first step in that.
Kinda like readying yourself for the kick of a rifle, you know it's gonna happen and their is nothing you can do but ride the recoil.


(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:34:26 AM   
kyraofMists


Posts: 3292
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
That is exactly what I ended up doing.  My Lord's interests in SM were much more intense than I thought I would ever be capable of going. 


kyra,
Just for the sake of discussion....now that you have been with your Lord and you have realized your masochistic interests....would you consider someone who stated that they had no interest in such and even went so far as to say that they think it is morally wrong? Would you wish to live from now on without it?


If they disliked causing pain and would allow me to satisfy those interests elsewhere, i.e find a sadist to play with, then yes I would not allow just that to end a relationship.  I see those as just a difference in things we like.

However, if they believed that my desires were morally wrong then it becomes more than just an issues of not liking the same thing.  In my opinion, this is a difference in some basic fundamental beliefs that I have.  Differences in those are more difficult to overcome and it is unlikely that I would pursue the relationship.

Hope that makes sense..

Knight's kyra

_____________________________

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey..." ~Angelus

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 9:41:13 AM   
whisperedsighs


Posts: 349
Joined: 11/12/2006
Status: offline 		For myself.  I wouldn't pursue it further.  What is the point.  If you were vanilla and met someone in a bar, and they are not compatible with you, would you pursue it further? 

_____________________________

oh my god that was so wrong! .... again please!

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 10:13:55 AM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		No no. You are right to end it. Its a mismatch.

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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 10:17:30 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?

No.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mistoferin)
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RE: Interests that don't match. - 12/10/2006 10:24:12 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mistoferin
So question.....if you find that your interests are far apart with someone....would you continue to pursue it?


No, I wouldn't.  Small compromises are often necessary, but when it comes to major areas of incompatability, I think it's just wasting time by going down a path that won't be fulfilling to either party in the long run.  The time could be better spent looking for someone who would be a more suitable match.
 
Lady Topaz

(in reply to mistoferin)
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