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New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:26:10 PM

kikic

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

Hello Everyone,
I am about to become a part of a D/s relationship for the first time. I am excited and nervous at the same time and I've been reaching about the lifestyle and I am begining to understand everything for the most part (or at least what my role will be once this relationship starts). My boyfriend gives me some information, but tends with hold details of what to expect. He's talked about a "ceremony" that he will preform and he has mentioned me having to drink something, branding, and he has alluded to other things but won't tell me what they are. Even with my very vivid imagination I can't imagine what they would be. He said since I'm a first time submissive and I've never been "owned" by someone else there are certain things I won't have to endure in this ceremony.....What would those things be? And the ceremony he has talked about....does anyone know what this might be and would you please tell me what I can expect?

Thank you in advance your help and advice.

Post #: 1

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:28:34 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

having a profile, posting, putting up with comments you don't want to hear, things of that nature.

Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 2

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:34:25 PM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

WOW talking about sending you right into the deep end stuff that most sane folks leave for latter on when they can understand a little bit of what is going on.

The idea of consent you must have read something about it......... Did the idea that the consent must be based on actually knowing WTF you are getting yourself into ever breach the skull????????

Branding, he's going to brand you, and you have not confmed that he actually knows WTF he is doing.

Wake up from dreamland and get some real information read a few books instead of fictional based trashy fiction novels and Roleplaying websites about the lifestyle, before you end up in a 55 gallon drum burried in the back 40 of his grandpa's old farm.

(in reply to mnottertail)

Post #: 3

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:35:37 PM

somethndif

Posts: 136
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kikic

Hello Everyone,
I am about to become a part of a D/s relationship for the first time. I am excited and nervous at the same time and I've been reaching about the lifestyle and I am begining to understand everything for the most part (or at least what my role will be once this relationship starts). My boyfriend gives me some information, but tends with hold details of what to expect. He's talked about a "ceremony" that he will preform and he has mentioned me having to drink something, branding, and he has alluded to other things but won't tell me what they are. Even with my very vivid imagination I can't imagine what they would be. He said since I'm a first time submissive and I've never been "owned" by someone else there are certain things I won't have to endure in this ceremony.....What would those things be? And the ceremony he has talked about....does anyone know what this might be and would you please tell me what I can expect?

Thank you in advance your help and advice.

No one can tell you what to expect, since he is making this all up as he goes along. There is no "official" ceremony. Some people have collaring ceremonies, but again the Master/Dominant, or the couple will decide what the ceremony will be.

What caught my eye in your post, was the mention of branding. This is a very, very serious step and not one to be taken lightly. Brands are permanent and not easily removed, if they can be removed at all. Brands are scars. I would strongly recommend that you not allow yourself to be branded, unless you have been in a relationship for several years, and are very, very sure that it will last a long time.

In my opinion branding should never be done at the beginning of a D&s relationship.

Dan

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 4

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:36:31 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

What he said.

edited to add.........OR is this what they call "natural selection"?

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 5

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:42:14 PM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

I am thinking it is gonna be pretty cute to meet the love of her life around twenty years from now and be trying to explain the big branded tattoo on her ass that says 'Chesters bith'

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 6

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:43:38 PM

jdtallfem

Posts: 180
Joined: 10/8/2006
Status: offline

Ok, let me tell you how I feel about first time subs and branding.
I had a sub, a first timeer, who was supposed to be here for an appointment. He didn't show.
He met a Mistress who forbade him to call and cancel his appt. with me, because she was going to "own"him. He was a newbie. She branded him in his first week. Then she dumped him in that week and told him he was too inexperienced for her.
Then he called me and asked for another appointment. I told him sure, but he'd have to wait a week to make an appointment, since I consider him such a flighty flight risk, I figured he'd be off with some other high risk Mistress between now and then. That he wouldn't be able to keep his commitment to call and make an appointment.
I told him it was a test.
And guess what? I was right. Maybe he's gettinig branded again by some new Mistress who took him on at a moment's notice.
Either way, he didn't impress me as a stable sub. What would YOU think?

(in reply to Archer)

Post #: 7

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:46:18 PM

kikic

Posts: 2
Joined: 11/30/2006
Status: offline

Thanks guys. I guess I should also clarify a little. We've been dating for over 6 months and it was 3 months into the relationship that he started bringing the D/s lifestyle into conversations. He has done this slowly and patiently and he does answer most of my questions. We are talking about getting married also, so that might be an important part of the equation to mention. As for the branding, he's mentioned it, but he hasn't pushed the issue and as a matter of a fact he keeps asking me if I'm sure. He has been a part of this lifestyle for over 10 years and has branded women before.....however he was never married to any of them and it was more of a "property status".

The part that has scared me the most is the way he alludes to things that will happen at the begining or ceremony.... is this just a way of keeping me a little frightened and at his mercy?

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 8

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:47:30 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Why do you think WE are the ones to be asking here?

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 9

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:54:19 PM

QuietDom

Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kikic
The part that has scared me the most is the way he alludes to things that will happen at the begining or ceremony.... is this just a way of keeping me a little frightened and at his mercy?

Yes. Since he's only alluding, and not stating outright, it sounds mostly like a mindfuck. I'll repeat here on behalf of everyone, though, that we cannot tell you what will happen at this 'ceremony' because no formal standard or protocol for such a thing exists. He's making up this ceremony entirely on his own, so don't be duped into thinking that you must do this, that, or the other thing, because it's part of some BDSM law.

Also, a brand is not done lightly, precisely because of the permanency of it. It's normally reserved only for people that you intend to keep to the end of their natural days. (And even then, only for quite hardcore, edgy types) You're suggesting that there are multiple women running around out there with his brand on them, who he does not see, play with or look after. That's not something that inspires a whole lot of respect around here.

Perhaps you should verify his claims to 10 years experience and so forth. Does he have any kinky friends who can tell stories about "back in the day" with him, or are you stuck with his word and no-one else's?

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 10

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:54:21 PM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

Be careful it sounds to Me is if things are going a bit fast. 6 months of dating? I dated my submissive 2 years before I collared him. I consider our relationship to be of the utmost importance and nothing to be rushed.

You say he's branded other women? Well how many other women? Does he go around putting his brand on just about everyone he dates? Property status? Come on, it sounds like he is collector and wants his mark on as many women as he can so he has some bragging rights, or so he thinks.

I'd wait a good year or two and see how this turns out before I put a permanent mark on someone.

Good luck,
~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 11

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 1:58:52 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kikic

Hello Everyone,
I am about to become a part of a D/s relationship for the first time. I am excited and nervous at the same time and I've been reaching about the lifestyle and I am begining to understand everything for the most part (or at least what my role will be once this relationship starts). My boyfriend gives me some information, but tends with hold details of what to expect. He's talked about a "ceremony" that he will preform and he has mentioned me having to drink something, branding, and he has alluded to other things but won't tell me what they are. Even with my very vivid imagination I can't imagine what they would be. He said since I'm a first time submissive and I've never been "owned" by someone else there are certain things I won't have to endure in this ceremony.....What would those things be? And the ceremony he has talked about....does anyone know what this might be and would you please tell me what I can expect?

Thank you in advance your help and advice.

Hon, if you've read a lot of the GOOD material on BDSM, you'd know that while this lifestyle is very personal and individual, what this man is saying/planning raises TONS of HUGE red flags.

What have his REAL LIFE experiences with BDSM been like? Has he had real relationships in the past? What was his position and his partners' positions in those? What are his philosophies on D/s? What are his beliefs on SSC? Why doesn't he want to tell you what he's planning for you?

What, exactly, has he read? Is he involved in his local community?

What, exactly, have you read? Are you involved in your community? Do you have friends in the lifestyle? Are you a submissive or a slave? What kind of Dominant and relationship are you seeking?

Answer these questions for us, or yourself, but it sounds like you really need some good friends and at least one mentor to balance out your lack of knowledge and experience (neither of which are bad, but you need to have them in order to have satisfying, safe experiences). One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that it's terribly important to reach out to others and form a support network so we can gain the knowledge necessary to have great experiences.

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 12

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 2:04:57 PM

PONYSEEKER

Posts: 364
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kikic

Hello Everyone,
I am about to become a part of a D/s relationship for the first time. I am excited and nervous at the same time and I've been reaching about the lifestyle and I am begining to understand everything for the most part (or at least what my role will be once this relationship starts). My boyfriend gives me some information, but tends with hold details of what to expect. He's talked about a "ceremony" that he will preform and he has mentioned me having to drink something, branding, and he has alluded to other things but won't tell me what they are. Even with my very vivid imagination I can't imagine what they would be. He said since I'm a first time submissive and I've never been "owned" by someone else there are certain things I won't have to endure in this ceremony.....What would those things be? And the ceremony he has talked about....does anyone know what this might be and would you please tell me what I can expect?

Thank you in advance your help and advice.

You know .... if what you say sets of alarm bells with everyone (including me) perhaps you might think about stopping and smelling those flowers for a few minutes and thinking things out.

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 13

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 2:49:12 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

You need to get educated more before jumping so fast into something you do not understand. There are lots of excellent nonfiction books out there that will greatly help you understand such as:
The Loving Dominant
The Bottoming Book
SM 101
Consensual Sadomasochism
Erotic Surrender: The Sensual Joys of Female Submission
Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns
Different Loving

Those are just a few off the top of my head.

Another thing is to get involved in your local kink community, meet people, go to munches, get togethers, play parties. See first hand what it's all about.

You say he's been into this for 10 years. Is he active in his local kink community? Are there people who know him and can vouch for him in the kink community? Is he willing to or expecting you to be involved in local groups real time?

I'd slow down. First of all, there has to be full, open, honest communication. He needs to answer your questions and address your doubts and fears not give evasive answers or non answers to your questions. You need to negotiate your dynamic...it needs to be right for both of you. You are under no obligation to accept things that are not right for you, nor can he force you to. Will he respect your limits?

Please do not let him or anyone push you into something you are not ready for. You have the right to refuse things that aren't right for you and that are potentially harmful mentally and/or physically.

I wish you the best. Stay safe.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to PONYSEEKER)

Post #: 14

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 3:27:03 PM

sunnydays

Posts: 116
Joined: 4/8/2006
Status: offline

this is one of the scariest posts ive read...ive been here..of sorts.

i was with a guy for about 9 months, and in that time i was introduced to bdsm, "collared", pierced and made 24/7..all to which went horrably wrong when I met someone who gave me a independant, honest adn real account of what i was doing to not only myself physically, but also mentally.. i quickly uprooted and left as he was not good for me or my children.

it is real easy to get swept up in the emotions of a experianced dom..as they are very good at making you feel yourself..afterall we are all born sub/slave/master/dom adn all its mixes.. adn those feelings are very addictive, to the point we cant get enough of sub space...mmmm...sub space... but until you are very clear in your mind ( its best in my opinion before a collaring to take a month or two off just to see if you rally can live without this persn as its is the same in my mind as marriage) that you make no such commitments until you have sat down with someone you trust that is not involved in anyway in your bdsm relationship adn get thier honest views on how they see you and your relationship OUTSIDE the bedroom.

please be careful, as my gut feeling is this will end is tears..and not from him

sunny

(in reply to SweetSarijane)

Post #: 15

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 4:07:48 PM

innatedesire

Posts: 111
Joined: 8/21/2006
Status: offline

" The part that scared me the most is the way he elludes to things that will happen at the begining of the ceremony.......is this just a way of keepng me a little frightened and at his mercy?"
That right there tells me a lot. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who even remotely frightens you? IMHO that is not healthy, but hell what so i know just my 2 cents.......

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 16

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 6:17:31 PM

CreativeDominant

Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline

I have a question...for anyone...is it just me or do these submissives who have done all this reading and so should have some idea of what D/s is and should have some idea about honesty and communication and should have some big red flags showing up in their brain as to what and what not to do when beginning an exploration of D/s and BDSM still seem to cast all that aside and enter into D/s relationships built on fear, with a distinct lack of communication and lack of explanation from the more (?!?) experienced partner anyway?

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 17

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 6:18:41 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

We can't tell you what to expect. There are no set rules to any ceremony he might come up with. If you want to know, you'll have to ask him. If you are uncomfortable with not knowing, express that. If you really and truly have fear about not knowing, do NOT do it.

As for your relationship: comments that others have been with the best intent. To us, it sound like the two of you are living in HIS fantasy world...which is all well and good, but there are to be lasting physical repercussion, at the least. There might be lasting emotional and psychological ones, too. Please consider educating yourself as well as him, about these things.

Archer is right about the branding. Do you KNOW that your boyfriend knows what he's doing? I hope he's not trying to the the bent wire hanger and blow torch thing. It rarely works well...and when it doesn't, it's not pretty.

I suggest that you tell your boyfriend that you are very, very interested in the lifestyle and in him, but that might be a good idea to get out and meet others who like this sort of thing and learn from them before you rush into things. This is so that you build something that lasts, not something that will end next month and then you're left scared, in more ways than one.

Of course, we are all probably just talking to ourselves now...her profile does not exist.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to kikic)

Post #: 18

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 6:51:30 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

It's not just you.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I have a question...for anyone...is it just me or do these submissives who have done all this reading and so should have some idea of what D/s is and should have some idea about honesty and communication and should have some big red flags showing up in their brain as to what and what not to do when beginning an exploration of D/s and BDSM still seem to cast all that aside and enter into D/s relationships built on fear, with a distinct lack of communication and lack of explanation from the more (?!?) experienced partner anyway?

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 19

RE: New Submissive - 11/30/2006 7:12:22 PM

BeautifulRacket

Posts: 70
Joined: 9/28/2006
From: Seattle Area
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

I have a question...for anyone...is it just me or do these submissives who have done all this reading and so should have some idea of what D/s is and should have some idea about honesty and communication and should have some big red flags showing up in their brain as to what and what not to do when beginning an exploration of D/s and BDSM still seem to cast all that aside and enter into D/s relationships built on fear, with a distinct lack of communication and lack of explanation from the more (?!?) experienced partner anyway?

I'm not sure I understand your question, but if I do:
Yes, anyone who has actually done a lot of reading should understand that WIITWD requires honesty, communication, trust, respect and proceeding carefully. This kind of situation should raise a lot of red flags in anyone who's knowledgable about the lifestyle and believes in SSC BDSM.

I don't have a ton of experience, but I have done a ton of reading and talked extensively with people in the lifestyle. I haven't just read anything or spoken to anyone; I've been careful to seek a very wide variety of sources and opinions, including books and sites that are recommended over and over, several very active discussion boards, folks in my local community and at my community center/playspace. Every time I read or talk to someone, my knowledge deepens, and I become a better, safer player. I've heard the same warnings and philosphies over and over again from all of these sources, but more importantly, I take it all to heart and put it into practice because I don't want to get hurt or hurt someone else.

My guess is people like the OP and her boyfriend are not really interested in learning what this lifestyle is about, so they have not done the required reading and communicating with others (I'd say "those who are experienced," but I've found even those who are inexperienced in RL often have a great deal of valuable knowledge to offer; the bottom line is that it's important to have a good mix though). I'd also suppose that these folks have some very big issues that cause them to ignore reality and/or seek destructive relationships/interactions, so they pick and choose what they want to hear from the reading/discussing they do, ignore anything that reinforces the SSC model, and find people who will support their harmful ideals and behavior.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)

Post #: 20

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