losttreasure
Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
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quote:
ORIGINAL: rainasmiles
Hello. i have been a member here on collarme for quite some time but have never felt a need to speak before. Now, after many years of searching for my life Partner within the bdsm community i feel a need to vent. Is there a way for me to "weed out" the insincere and deceptive before commiting myself sexually and emotionally? i have no desire to waste precious time which could be better spent elsewhere, nor am i interested in a casual sexual relationship or "fling". i find engaging in casual sex and/or play very damaging emotionally, especially when i have been grossly deceived. if A/anyone out there can lend a word or two of good advice it would be greatly appreciated. respectfully, raina
raina,
Without specifics, it's hard to know what kind of advice to give. Getting a feel for someone in person is different than if you were to correspond with them in email or chat. But in reality, the very best advice for all circumstances is to get to know someone before you invest yourself emotionally or sexually in them.
However, rather than leave you with vague advice on what you should do and nothing specific about how, I'll copy here a post that I made last week dealing with general things to watch for when beginning to correspond with someone new. Some of it can also apply to face-to-face meetings.
quote:
ORIGINAL: losttreasure
Keep an eye out for recycled emails. If they aren't specific to your conversations and interspersed with and specifically answering bits of your own emails... be wary. Some very savvy types have generic emails that they can tailor to any woman they are communicating with... saves them time and makes them look like they are investing time in you.
In my experience, most conversations start out with sharing a general idea of what it is you are looking for (i.e. playdates, long term relationship, etc.), your philosophies of the lifestyle (i.e. not into poly, not into pain, etc.), and experiences you might have in common here on CollarMe or whatever site it is you meet on. This would seem to be a safe meeting ground of ideas...
Where things go south is if he wants to steer the conversation right into sexual fantasies and BDSM checklists. Big red flag... unless you aren’t looking for a long-term relationship. But even then, if all you want is a playdate, I can’t imagine not wanting to get to know any potential partner a little bit better. At any rate, the key is to only go where you are comfortable right now.
Concerning the rest of my advice, it’s primarily written from the standpoint of someone seeking a long-term relationship. That’s what I know. But it can serve anyone well, depending upon how you want to apply it.
Anyway... a typical and comfortable segue from the general ideas would be to discuss your journeys thus far in the lifestyle... when did you know you were a dominant/submissive?... how did you find out about D/s?... and similar types of questions. There should be no pressure for soul-bearing at this point; no "tell me of your sexual experience" questions.
A bit of a caveat here... it isn’t always a bad thing to share sexual experiences early on. If it’s a situation where you are mutually sharing some details of your interests, there might be points where either you or he want to get clarification. Keep in mind that you are trying to determine if this person is compatible with you... and that will entail sexual and BDSM compatibility. My caution is to generally avoid a situation where you are being grilled for intimate details of your sexual experiences and fantasies to the exclusion of all other types of conversation. In the same respect that there is a need to determine sexual and BDSM compatibility, you also need to find out about general life compatibility.
Again, go with what you are comfortable with.
When first conversing make a rule with yourself that any information he asks of you, he should provide the same information for himself, either before asking you or allowing you the opportunity to ask the same from him. For example, if he asks you about your educational background, he should either automatically tell you what his is, or let you ask him before he pushes the conversation on to the "next question". If you do ask and he avoids answering, that's a huge red flag. This should be a conversation, not a one sided interview.
In this give and take, you should also be very aware about the pattern of who asks first. He shouldn’t always ask for your information first, then provide his... nor should it be the other way around. You may have to make a conscious effort, but mix it up and take turns. The reason for doing this is something known as mirroring that you want to avoid.
Mirroring creates “false” compatibility. It is very easy in the excitement of meeting someone new to unconsciously “mirror” the other persons wants and desires. In wanting to please and form a bond, we can find ourselves suddenly wanting something that we’ve never wanted before, simply because the other person expresses the desire and we want the relationship to develop. Worse yet, we can fool ourselves into twisting our own ideas and experiences to match the other person.
There’s also a danger because of predators who use this technique consciously. If he manipulates the conversation so that he always has your information first, then he can tailor his answer to “mirror” yours and lure you into thinking you’ve found “Dom Right”. Just be aware.
If he doesn't seem interested in knowing about you (and NOT just your sexual fantasies, either), he probably isn't. If he just sits back and tries to steer you into entertaining him, he probably is just wanting to be entertained for the evening.
Oh, and if he asks you what you are wearing... HUGE RED FLAG.
And for what it's worth, he should be just as interested in you knowing about him, as well. He may not be comfortable giving out specific personal information at the first (and neither should you), but his real first name, what he does for a living, and his marital/family situation are all pieces of information that you should have by the end of your first conversation.
If you've shared a photo with him and he hasn't returned the favor within a communication or two, or has made excuses (i.e. "My digital camera is broken" or "In my line of work I have to be very careful"), be very cautious yourself. Digital cameras can be purchased for less than $20... do you really want to get involved with someone who can't afford $20? And the "I can't risk being recognized" line is a poor one unless you live in the same town with a population of less than 100. Heck, there are times when I'd have a hard time recognizing my own children in a crowd.
I could honestly continue on, but this post has become very lengthy as it is. My general advice is to listen to your “inner voice” or “gut feeling”. If something doesn’t feel right or make sense, there’s a real reason. Ask for clarification... ask the same question again at another time but in a different way... look for inconsistencies... and follow your instinct.
Finally, be very aware and cautious about the phenomenon known as “sub-frenzy”. If you aren’t familiar with it, you can search for information about it right here on the forums or just ask.
Best of Wishes,
LostTreasure
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Is deception the norm? - 
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