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Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:09:21 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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I know that many base their relationships on love; on the understanding that there must be caring and love between them and their partner for them to submit to them.

I was wondering though; just for the sake of discussion; lets say your partner and you have been in a relationship for 3 years, you both love each other without a doubt, and the dynamic between you is absolutely great. Then, suddenly, one day, your partner decides to stop the dynamic ( he/she stops being dominant or submissive in nature ).

Would the love that you have for your partner sustain the relationship or do you need the dynamic also? In this sense I am not referring to any kind of ‘play’…as in the use of floggers, canes, bondage, etc…but rather in regards to the actual nature of the person that you are with.

With my first Master, I came into that relationship knowing nothing. One time I had asked him that if I had shown no interest, would he have continued the relationship? His answer was a simple no; even though he cared for me.

With Master now, I can honestly say the same. If he suddenly stopped the dynamic between us; stopped being the controlling, dominant person that he is; I would not hesitate to end the relationship; no matter what kind of emotional feelings are in place.

Just curious as to how others would proceed if ever faced with such an ‘impossibility”

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

Post #: 1

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:16:20 AM

MsSonnetMarwood

Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline

"Love" is only one of the components that ties a relationship together....there are so many other compatability factors that are needed to make a relationship actually work. Compatable interests, outlooks on life, outlooks on socializing and friendships, choices in raising (or not raising) children, etc.

We have needs that extend beyond just being in love or being loved that need to be met.

If you remove other compatabilities and just have love....perhaps I'm cynical but I don't think it's enough to keep things together.

< Message edited by MsSonnetMarwood -- 11/28/2006 6:17:06 AM >

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 2

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:21:30 AM

mistoferin

Posts: 8284
Joined: 10/27/2004
Status: offline

Many moons ago my husband and I divorced because his Dominance did not grow at the same speed as my submission. While I was "deepening" for lack of a better term...he plateaud at his own level. We married quite young and were a good match in the beginning, but as time went on it proved that we were a good mis-match. Yes we loved one another but no that was not enough. We decided to divorce because we knew that we both deserved a chance at finding something that would more closely match our individual needs. We remain "family" to each other to this day though.

_____________________________

Peace and light,
~erin~

There are no victims here...only volunteers.

When you make a habit of playing on the tracks, you thereby forfeit the right to bitch when you get hit by a train.

"I did it! I admit it and I'm gonna do it again!"

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 3

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:25:38 AM

katie7

Posts: 59
Joined: 9/16/2006
From: australia
Status: offline

i am being faced with that very problem right now.
My Master and i are very much in love have the same interests and outlook on life.But as His Dominence over me is waning and cravings are growing

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)

Post #: 4

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:39:53 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

It depends on how significant the power exchange is. I would think for two people who love each other and are compatible in all other ways that if the power exchange is pretty much limited to the bedroom then there might be a chance for the relationship to survive. If the power exchange is on a significant level then I think it would be a long term bad situation and I know personally from my last relationship where this happen that I could not continue in the relationship.

We are who we are and for something so big like that to be taken away is not a good thing. In the end we are in relationships for reasons and everyone's can be different. There are plenty of loveless marriages that are happy ones for the people in them and they get out of them what they want or think they need. Whether economic, raise children, not being alone, and other reasons. The OP question to me is like the opposite of this to me. Can a person be with someone who is denying a core need in the individual. For me that is a no.

We are taught by society throughout history that certain things should not be important in a relationship. Sex usually tops the list and power exchange I think is often put on that list as well. That is just great when they are not strong drives in you but can keep you in chains for your whole life if you let what you think is the right thing to do over what you need.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to mistoferin)

Post #: 5

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:44:35 AM

agirl

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Joined: 6/14/2004
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I think if someone *suddenly* stopped being ANYTHING it'd cause upheaval...never mind the d/s.

If you are one half of something that you assumed was working and you found, rather suddenly, that it obviously wasn't that way for your partner...............you can usually be pretty SURE that there is nothing *sudden* about it.

I would be side-swiped by the knowledge that there were underlying things going on that I was unaware of. The d/s would be the least of my worries.

agirl

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 6

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:48:34 AM

onlythewindknows

Posts: 259
Joined: 10/22/2006
Status: offline

i have found that love is not enough. i cannot be in a relationship without a power exchange.
been i situations where i merely bottomed and couldn't imagine being more miserable. espcially if i care about the person.

< Message edited by onlythewindknows -- 11/28/2006 6:52:46 AM >

_____________________________

As Darth once said: "you are beaten. It is useless to resist."

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 7

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:50:19 AM

JerseyKrissi72

Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline

I always get bad mouthed for saying "love is not enough"..there are so many things that make up a relationship..and even though LOVE is a big part, it is not everything..like the song says...

Now, I don't want to lose you
but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder
it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 8

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:54:01 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

I love my sub with all my heart. At one time he was a Master to another, now he belongs to Me. He is a dominant male with his peers but submissive to Me. If that changed and he suddenly decided to go back to being dominant in his relationships, then love wouldn't hold it together. Why? Because I could not be submissive and be ruled by him. We could try to work as equal partners, but the problem in that is when you have two head strong people and neither is willing to give in...I am sure you can see the problems ahead in that one.

I also think that a person can't turn on/off their own nature, sure you can deviate some. But to totally stop being yourself? Thats pretty extreme. It would be almost as if he were a different person then the one that I fell in love with.

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 9

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 6:55:24 AM

DaddyDom4baby

Posts: 1
Joined: 3/9/2006
Status: offline

Rule #1 Love is not enough.

In order to be hapy our needs must be satisified. If you need D'/s to be happy you must find a way to make it part of your life.

That said just becasue a need is not being met by someone does not mean that they should be written off or not part of your life. It does mean that you need to talk about your needs with them and finda compromise that meets those needs. If that loved one cannot live with a compromise that meets your needs then they have chosen to pull away not you.

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 10

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:01:48 AM

marieToo

Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline

Love is a broad term, but as it applies, for me, in a ds relationship, I actually prefer (and maybe this is symantics) but I prefer to feel that I am valued and that there is a level of care taken with regards to my well-being, from the person I submit to. I like a commited relationship, as opposed to casual affairs, but I actually prefer that romantic love not be a part of the dynamic.

_____________________________

marie.

I give good agita.

(in reply to DaddyDom4baby)

Post #: 11

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:06:20 AM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

I also think that a person can't turn on/off their own nature, sure you can deviate some. But to totally stop being yourself? Thats pretty extreme. It would be almost as if he were a different person then the one that I fell in love with.

LOL thats why I stated it as

quote:

Just curious as to how others would proceed if ever faced with such an ‘impossibility”

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to Lashra)

Post #: 12

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:15:00 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Love in and of itself is NEVER "enough" to make a relationship work in the long term.

As for what I base the foundation of my relationship on- currently my relationship is based on love and compatibility. Previously, my relationships as a slave have been founded on the authority dynamic.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 13

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:16:24 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

If you were in a vanilla relationship and your partner stopped SHOWING you that they loved you and were dedicated to you, would you stay, even though you loved them? Would you stay if they began showing behavior that said they were unhappy with the relationship and they weren't interested in working to bring back that behavior, even though they might say, and you believed, they still love you?

For a lot of us, the Ds or Ms dynamic is a physical statement about the love we feel for each other, be that romantic love or not. If the physical statement is removed, we often don't feel loved and will move on. But, for some, this doesn't have to be the case. Some will stay simply because they feel love for the other person; to them, it doesn't matter if the other person loves them or not. In my experience, however, this is a rare occurance.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 14

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:18:27 AM

NINASHARP

Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline

JerseyKrissi,

When ever I hear that song I think of my ex husband. I was very much IN love with him. I sometimes wonder if things had changed and he had taken on a more dominant role when I first discovered my desires if we would still be together.

As for my main parterner that I am with now, I can honestly say, the love has been what has kept us together. We just celebrated 8 years.

(in reply to JerseyKrissi72)

Post #: 15

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:26:10 AM

JerseyKrissi72

Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline

congrats Nina on that many years, and I pray many more to come...I feel with my late Master love was enough but that relationship was unique in itself and I don't base anything from that point on from it...I loved once deeply and if I never find true love again I can say I atleast experienced it once..

(in reply to NINASHARP)

Post #: 16

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:27:20 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

Well, I loved my former husband dearly but that didn't stop me from spiritually and emotionally dying in our marriage. Love or no love, I had to get out.

In your hypothetical scenario (and I agree with others, any sudden change would mean he is no longer who he is), no matter how intensely I love him, and no matter how much he may love me, if either of us were to no longer be who we are then we would not have the relationship and dynamic we currently do. He loved his last slave very much, but when she decided to stop submitting, she was gone. She remains his friend, however, but for he wanted a slave. The same would apply to me. And it would work in reverse, as well. Neither of us would be fulfilled with anything less than what we have from each other. I was his slave before I loved him. He mastered me long before he felt love for me. For us, love is a wonderful sweetness added to our dynamic, but it is not our foundation. If either of us ceased to be who we are in our dynamic, that would deny the other the ability to be who he/she is in it.

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 17

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:36:18 AM

Lashra

Posts: 4900
Joined: 2/9/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kalira

quote:

I also think that a person can't turn on/off their own nature, sure you can deviate some. But to totally stop being yourself? Thats pretty extreme. It would be almost as if he were a different person then the one that I fell in love with.

LOL thats why I stated it as

quote:

Just curious as to how others would proceed if ever faced with such an ‘impossibility”

Woohoo great minds think alike

~Lashra

_____________________________

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 18

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:47:05 AM

NINASHARP

Posts: 295
Joined: 4/23/2006
From: NJ/NYC
Status: offline

Thanks for the congrats! I hope you also find that deep profound love you once felt, sometime soon again.

(in reply to JerseyKrissi72)

Post #: 19

RE: Is Love enough? - 11/28/2006 7:51:26 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Would the love that you have for your partner sustain the relationship or do you need the dynamic also? In this sense I am not referring to any kind of ‘play’…as in the use of floggers, canes, bondage, etc…but rather in regards to the actual nature of the person that you are with.

I have vacillated between feeling I "needed" a D/s component to my intimate relationships, and feeling I did not. I have never stated definitively one way or another which is the truth of that for me, and I am not going to do so here.

I can envision myself being vanilla again if circumstance put someone in my life that I loved, was compatible with, and was sexually adventurous too. Whether we called it D/s or not, I am sure it would have some of those attributes to the relationship. It is not what one calls a relationship, or labels it that defines it, it is the actions within it that do.

If the guy that currently beats me with his soup spoons decided that he no longer wanted to be a "Dom" that would be ok with me. I would accept this, and stay. I am sure the things I valued the most about him would not change because I quit referring to him as my Dominant. If we went to the next step and lived together and he suffered a brain injury or something that changed him, I would never leave.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Kalira)

Post #: 20

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