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How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:11:30 AM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		   I have a question...i was conversing with a Dominant i met thru this site...we talked for a few weeks and then decided to meet....we met in person, liked one another and met several more times....talking in between. We were meeting once a week for dinner and conversation and becoming very close. this went on for 8 weeks.  Finally it was time to "play" we made arrangementss to spend the night together. We did and we played and experimented and we had a great night and morning....when i showered i was thinking how lucky i was to have met this man. we got our things together and each left in our own car, but right before we left, Sir starting to be in a big hurry....He rushed me out of the room and into my car. We both went our separate ways. As i was driving home, i called  Him and thanked Him for a wonderful night, He agreed it was a great night and said to me. it was the first of many...i was thrilled, finally having met someone i could talk to and trust. i was on cloud nine...
    Now for the question part.....that phone call in the car was the last time i talked to Sir....i haven't heard a word from Him since that ride home. the first few days i didn't really think a lot about it, for not hearing for a day or two wasn't improbable..but a week went by and i was starting to feel sick.....so i emailed and called and left a message. no response...now i don't know what to think. i left a message on collar me..and know He read it but got no response back.
    i start to feel angry, and i write again and ask why.....no response.....2 weeks go by, i write again and ask Him if i did something...what happened on that ride home that changed everything...still no response.
   finally i receive an email telling me it wasn't anything i did....just to let it be.
well, that is a lot easier to say than to do...so i wrote a few more times asking why...still no answers....the day before Thanksgiving i wrote and wished Him a Happy Thanksgiving. Today i wanted to write something else to let Him know that i really had no hard feelings at the time i was asking i just wanted to know what happened, but that i realized it didn;t really matter.
   my email was blocked!  i was shocked.  i guess my question is two fold..

first, how do you deal with something like that happening, and secondly how do you pick up and go forward???

i feel as if i lost my ability to read people or to understand their motives...i feel as tho my trust has been compromised......am i right or wrong??? please anyone help if you have any encouraging words.

thanks everyone!!!


roe
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:16:37 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Sorry to hear that, although you know from all the posts on collarme that this isn't at all rare.  Someone willing to go through all that time and number of dates usually won't just flake out on you like that, so I wouldn't necessarily say it's your lack of judgement in this case.  Although I would have asked why you didn't choose to play at your house or his?  It seems as if maybe you had to get a hotel room?  That would have triggered something for me if you weren't long distance and had been dating and getting so close.

But still, sometimes you really do come across someone who can't handle it.  Maybe he felt he was getting emotionally close to you and couldn't handle it.  Maybe his wife had found some clue the day before and he had to get out.  Maybe he's a dork and didn't know how to say it wasn't working for him directly to you.

You will move on, wiser and more aware.  Be yourself, take some time not to seek or search, but just have fun and heal.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:20:37 AM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		i have 2 daughters at home and i don't play at my house, and truthfully i never asked why not at His house...we live about 2 hours away and all the dating we did was always half way as was the motel........

and thanks for your words LA

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:24:01 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eroticangel

  I have a question...i was conversing with a Dominant i met thru this site...we talked for a few weeks and then decided to meet....we met in person, liked one another and met several more times....talking in between. We were meeting once a week for dinner and conversation and becoming very close. this went on for 8 weeks.  Finally it was time to "play" we made arrangementss to spend the night together. We did and we played and experimented and we had a great night and morning....when i showered i was thinking how lucky i was to have met this man. we got our things together and each left in our own car, but right before we left, Sir starting to be in a big hurry....He rushed me out of the room and into my car. We both went our separate ways. As i was driving home, i called  Him and thanked Him for a wonderful night, He agreed it was a great night and said to me. it was the first of many...i was thrilled, finally having met someone i could talk to and trust. i was on cloud nine...
   Now for the question part.....that phone call in the car was the last time i talked to Sir....i haven't heard a word from Him since that ride home. the first few days i didn't really think a lot about it, for not hearing for a day or two wasn't improbable..but a week went by and i was starting to feel sick.....so i emailed and called and left a message. no response...now i don't know what to think. i left a message on collar me..and know He read it but got no response back.
   i start to feel angry, and i write again and ask why.....no response.....2 weeks go by, i write again and ask Him if i did something...what happened on that ride home that changed everything...still no response.
  finally i receive an email telling me it wasn't anything i did....just to let it be.
well, that is a lot easier to say than to do...so i wrote a few more times asking why...still no answers....the day before Thanksgiving i wrote and wished Him a Happy Thanksgiving. Today i wanted to write something else to let Him know that i really had no hard feelings at the time i was asking i just wanted to know what happened, but that i realized it didn;t really matter.
  my email was blocked!  i was shocked.  i guess my question is two fold..

first, how do you deal with something like that happening, and secondly how do you pick up and go forward???

i feel as if i lost my ability to read people or to understand their motives...i feel as tho my trust has been compromised......am i right or wrong??? please anyone help if you have any encouraging words.

thanks everyone!!!


roe


Hi roe......my first bit of advice is this: if someone says "let it be", then I would do so. I would not send them several more letters or emails, or attempt to contact them. Especially not at the beginning of a relationship.
 
Secondly, how to go forward; you just do it. You'll be fine, and you'll find someone that "fits", and life will go on as it's supposed to.
 
Now, *hugs*, don't let him or anyone else get you down, life is too sweet and short, my friend.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to eroticangel)
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RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:26:16 AM   
DianeB269


Posts: 1596
Joined: 10/30/2006
Status: offline 		I'll bet he is married.

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:26:56 AM   
eroticangel


Posts: 272
Joined: 2/13/2006
Status: offline 		Thanks Level...you are right, i should have let it be...but i just wanted to know...i mean i look at the whole little relationship and see no reason whatsoever...i just wanted it to make sense.......but yes, life is to sweet and too short........

roe

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:27:15 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eroticangel
i have 2 daughters at home and i don't play at my house, and truthfully i never asked why not at His house...we live about 2 hours away and all the dating we did was always half way as was the motel........

and thanks for your words LA

That's really the only signal you would have had it seems- someone who always has to meet at a motel, over a prolonged period, likely has something they don't want you to know.

But seriously, you'll be fine and next time better armed. 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 10:31:11 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eroticangel

Thanks Level...you are right, i should have let it be...but i just wanted to know...i mean i look at the whole little relationship and see no reason whatsoever...i just wanted it to make sense.......but yes, life is to sweet and too short........

roe


I understand. I'm very nosey LOL, and I'd want to know too, but you can't make someone else give you those answers. Well, if you have them tied upside down.......

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 11:00:28 AM   
Lieren


Posts: 29
Joined: 11/19/2006
Status: offline 		First of all, let me offer you a warm and heartfelt hug   I know what it's like to have something happen and eat yourself up with the "Why's?" and the "What did I do wrong's?".  I had a somewhat similar experience, although he was right in front of me, looking at me, and couldn't give me an answer.  In the end... it just wasn't meant to be.  Having said that, it didn't make me feel a damned bit better when someone said it to me... I realized that I had some serious self-esteem issues to sort out that he brought to the forefront.  I also learned that not everyone is as open and honest as I am and for a while I felt bitter and jaded, but in the end I refused to let him change me.  It was his shortcoming that he couldn't communicate.  The only way it really changed me is that my bullshit threshold is even lower... but I think that's a good thing 

It took about eight months and meeting someone who could appreciate the very things that the asshole (as I affectionately call him) couldn't.  There are people in this world who have issues with honesty... to themselves, their spouses, their friends... but those are THEIR issues.  In my case, I deeply questioned my ability to read people... I felt like there must have been signs I should have seen, and I realized that I tend to see people for the potential that I see in them rather than what they really are... another important reminder that I needed.  In the end, I can look myself in the mirror and know that I like myself, and I hope that you can do the same.  Hell, for all you know his backing away had nothing to do with you and was about the fact that he feels guilty for lying to his significant other... and feels lacking as a Dom because of it, which means he won't admit it to you.

Geez!  That got longer than I'd planned   Bottomline... you can eat yourself up coming up with possible scenarios, reasons, excuses... in the end, you'll never know, but please don't let in make you bitter.  There's a process to this kind of thing... much like the process of grieving because you're grieving the loss of hope for a meaningful relationship, maybe concentrating on that would be helpful.


_____________________________

~Lieren~ -- Happy in my Perceived Indecision :P

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 11:21:34 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Well it sounds like you did all the right things.  Like LA said, it's odd that this guy flaked after 8 weeks.  It may be that he's married, otherwise engaged in another relationship and just wants to play, or doesn't know his own mind.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter.  Pick yourself up and go on.  That's all you can do.  If I were you I'd avoid contacting him in any way.  Good luck.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 11:31:59 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

first, how do you deal with something like that happening, and secondly how do you pick up and go forward???


Im so sorry that you spent so much time, energy, effort, and emotions on this less than honorable person. If it is any consolation, there is one thing worse than wasting your time on someone , and that is wasting one more day on the wrong person.  At least you can now lick your wounds and move on to the next guy who might be all the things that this guy seemed to be but just wasn't.

Now for some encouraging words that may have to be read twice because they are a little on the "tough love" side of things. If a man does not call me back or email me back, I drop him like a hot potatoe. I do not lose my pride by chasing after someone that is just not into me. Men know what they want, and all the chasing in the world is not going to convince them that they want a woman they do not. I think all of us have had something along the lines of really liking someone that does not feel the same way in return. Or a collector, and that is what this man sounds like, collecting as many submissives as he can just to dump them when he has his way with them. I do not know him, or his motives, but he would not be the first man to be like this.

You took all the precautions you could in getting to know him and take your time before moving into a Ds dynamic with him, so do not blame yourself.... It is not you, and not every man that purports to be a dominant is like this, many have more honor than that. If this ever happens again in the future remember that you can retain your dignity much better if you write them off at the same time they write you off. There really is no sense in trying to garner explanations of "why", because you will never know for sure.

The way to move on? One day at a time, and by allowing men to court you. When I am looking I stay in contact with several men until one flips my lid, and I do not hide this fact. I am honest about not putting my eggs into one basket. The right one will court you. This guy sounds like he spent time and energy, but I would ask yourself, how much energy did he really invest? Did he call every day, increasingly, leading up to your night together? Did he keep a distance between you beforehand? I bet on some levels he did. Could you call him whenever you wanted? Was he happy to hear your voice? These are very big clues as to how "into you" a guy is. Some aspects of romance transcend Ds, and these are letting a guy chase you until you catch him , when you first start dating and are not exclusive, that is what women do...

Hope you got something out of my words


< Message edited by juliaoceania -- 11/24/2006 11:32:08 AM >

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 11:42:18 AM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		Sounds like he is married to me too and got an attack of the guilts. Some people suck, grrr

I guess you just have to put it down to experience and realise there are some good people out there amongst the rotten apples so as to not to be disheartened.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 11:58:46 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		FR...

Everything you said came from your perspective. Most of everything you said came from considering the "best case" scenario. If the question whether he was married or not isn't know conclusively; you didn't do all you should to insure, or even count upon, a positive outcome. Will you be "better armed" next time? That depends wholly on you. You went 8 weeks without visiting him at his home, although you were close enough to drive to a common meeting place. Could be that you were avoiding the truth, or at least didn't want to know it.

Oh yeah, he was the 'dominant'. It was up to him to allow you to visit, to talk, to email. Of course you didn't deserve anymore contact then his cell phone, and one of his many email accounts. Conveniently for him, that's how this 'lifestyle' works, as long as people coming into it identifying as 'submissive' believe it. Maybe the best thing to be learned is that isn't the case.

In 8 weeks did you ever discuss goals? Not goals for how the big first 'scene' but the relationship. Obviously you wanted one on some ongoing level. Obviously he didn't. I'd say he achieved his goal. It could range from a one time 'did-it/done-it' vacation from his vanilla life; to another notch on his belt.

By far the requirement for personal strength is necessary more on the submissive side of the equation. Yes there is some need of luck to find the right person, but until then you need strength. Strength not to make what does not make sense, make sense. in order to rationalize a decision. When it comes to meeting someone all the questions and doubts about their personal life should be behind you. If you can't get to that point, don't invest any emotions. If it's impossible to trust someone, or have them trust you enough to disclose enough personal information to get to that point then, at minimum, have your outcome of that first experience in mind as a possible outcome.

(in reply to KatyLied)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 12:07:04 PM   
LordBennett


Posts: 24
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline 		Maybe your Sir was a newbe and thought continued nights would prove to you he was not what he said he was online or even in person.  Not letting it go and go forward with your life would have been worse than what happenned.  Had he tried to keep you as a friend for another 8 months but never meeting again, that would have been far worse.  At least you got it broken once he realized he was not good enough for you and you deserved much better than him.  He may have been married or he may have been trying to balance 2 or 3 at the same time and realized he could not keep it up (in more ways than one.)

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 12:15:34 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Wow, sorry you went through that but hopefully it will do you good in the future.
Let me offer a few experiences for you and maybe it will give you some idea what may have  happened. 
When I first went online and started talking with others who did this I met (online) a nice guy who made a good buddy.  He lived about 3 hrs away, seemed to know as much about this as I did (which was rare back in 96) and was fun to chat with.  After a few months of room chat he wanted to meet me so we arranged a day.  He came here because I wasn't looking for an fling I just wanted to have a friendly meet.  It was nice.  We had lunch and chatted about small stuff. 
I wasn't really into him but he had a great voice and I could consider playing with him in the future.
Back online again, he started to make a push for more contact in private messages outside of the group chat room in which we met.
Then inside the room one day I mentioned to someone in his area that "mr dom 123" lived there.  She said, yes they had met, she loved his blue eyes, ect.  Some other sub chimed in, YES he has the bluest eyes <drool>, maybe about 5 women started discussing Mr dom 123.. and it turned out that 3 of the 5 (I was not chatting just observing) were in various stages of being in the process of playing with him.

Turns out he was just plowing the field.  He had women lined up for months.  Most women he had only got 1, maybe 2 dates and then never saw him again with no explanation.  A little investigation revealed that the guy had several chat names, and a drop list, two months long.
Shew.. I felt relieved it came out before I saw him again.

The other situation happened to a buddy of mine.  She met a guy who gave her the big rush from the start.  She was new to this and his actions seemed powerful and thrilling to her, even though she was cautious.  After about 2 months she agreed to meet.  They played that night at a hotel and in the morning he was ready to leave.  He carried the toy bag out to the car while she packed stopped to put on makeup.  I guess she did it quickly because she came downstairs to hear him on the cell phone telling someone he loved them and would be back by the afternoon.
She decided not to say a thing.  But, that was the last time she saw him.  Now and then his name would light up on her buddy list, but it wouldn't be for over a second or two.  She felt dumped, used, and wondered if he was married.  I believe she even sent him an email or a few because eventually she said he blocked her.

~~~
Why do people do this?  Because they can..  That is why I don't invest any emotion on people who are not in my life physically on a regular basis.  Yeah I may be missing out on something, but the ones that are worthwhile for me are local enough that I can really get to know the person they are inside, apart from the dom.
I hope you get over this hurt soon.
Kyst





_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 1:25:45 PM   
missjada


Posts: 30
Joined: 2/11/2006
Status: offline 		Erotic Angel,
I Am so sorry for your loss and I understand where you are coming from. You need answers and unfortunately he can not offer them. It is a pitty that something you shared is so wonderful and all you can do is let it go. As much as I hate to say this but you must.

There can be many reasons why he ended it.  Maybe he is married, afraid of the commitment or maybe he is afraid of a part of himself. There have been many that are slowly coming into the lifestyle and are afraid of the things that they enjoy because it is found to be "Unhealthy" or "Unnatural". The best thing you can do is let it go and find a master capable of guiding you.



(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 1:43:07 PM   
SamKeithsslave


Posts: 322
Joined: 11/7/2006
From: Melbourne, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: eroticangel
first, how do you deal with something like that happening, and secondly how do you pick up and go forward???

i feel as if i lost my ability to read people or to understand their motives...i feel as tho my trust has been compromised......am i right or wrong??? please anyone help if you have any encouraging words.

thanks everyone!!!


I deal with this by usually spending 2-3 days in bed being a real grumble bum, wondering where I went wrong. Then I wake up and realise if he is not willing to tell me what I may have done wrong, then its more likely going to be something he has done wrong, in which case your hands are tied, theres not a lot you can do. As for moving on? Well after the couple days I allow myself to mope and be miserable I start forcing myself out of bed each morning and out the door each day (being a stay at home mum, its so easy to just lock oneself away). The longer or closer you were to a person the harder its going to be and the longer it will take to pass.
You feel as though your trust has been compromised, and in a way it has been - by him dont allow this sour experience to question your own ability to read people. I'd only question my own ability to read people if I was finding myself constantly in the same situation.


_____________________________

Happiness does not find us, we must go out and find it for ourselves.

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 2:10:49 PM   
imtempting


Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline 		What shocks me is how people think the  lifestyle is any different to the normal dating scene.

You get players in the vanillia world and you get players in the bdsm world.

You were played. Its simple as that.

You say you have two kids well I presume you were having a normal dating life? So how did you get over breaking up with your partner?



(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 2:17:42 PM   
AuburnLady40


Posts: 20
Joined: 7/29/2004
Status: offline 		The issue was obviously with this guy...it had nothing to do with you.  If it did and if he cared as much as he projected to you, then he would have taken the time to explain.

It's his loss.  Perhaps when he has a few moments to quietly reflect on you, he come to realize how he regrets missing out on what could have been.  At least you know soon into this of what type of person he is before you had time to become too emtionally attached.  Move on to the next one, and hopefully it will be a better one, more suited to you.  Good luck!

(in reply to SamKeithsslave)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: How do you deal when you are dumped....or is it duped? - 11/24/2006 2:26:09 PM   
texancutie


Posts: 322
Joined: 7/23/2005
Status: offline 		Gosh, I am so very sorry eroticangel.  The same thing happened to me as well.  But my experience also involved an abuse of trust during the scene as well.  There is more to it than I am willing to go into here, but I have noticed similarities in just about every post to this thread.  My trust in others was broken, and I felt I had lost my ability to read people or to understand their motives as well.  Being a former social worker that was very hard for me to deal with.  I thought I was a decent judge of character for the most part....especially after talking with someone for months.  But I wasn't.  I was duped.

This was a timely post for me to read, as this happened to me a year ago in December.  I felt so lost and being a newbie in this I didn't have a clue. I felt so alone because there was no one I could talk to about it that would understand.  Well, not my vanilla friends anyway. The only thing that helped me was time, and the fact that I was able to make some lifestyle friends.  They helped me by listening to me and giving me the support and advice I needed.  I  am very thankful because I am sure I tried their patience, but I had to talk it out of my system and try to understand it.  Just so I would not repeat the mistake I made in the future.

You do eventually pick up and move forward.  There is no timeline though on when you will get over a bad experience.  Everyone is different.  I still occasionally deal with leftover emotions from the experience as it was so traumatic to me.  But it does not hurt me like it once did.  I had to take the time to really look deep into myself and look at the mistakes I made in choosing that person.  It hurt and was a very difficult thing to do....believe me.  But I am better off for having done it.  He only gave me his email and cell phone numbers as well.  Big red flags of course in hindsight.....and of course there were obvious reasons why I didn't have his home or work numbers.  Though he had mine.

I have since found out he has multiple profiles here and on numerous sites, and I would liken him to be more along the lines of the kind of person Missokyst wrote about.  The only thing one can do is to learn and be wiser from a mistake made.  Don't be so hard on yourself.  He is the one that has issues.  All we can do is learn from our mistakes and move on in life.  We can also try to help others when we can.   Keep your chin up, things really do get better in time! 


< Message edited by texancutie -- 11/24/2006 2:28:20 PM >

(in reply to eroticangel)
Profile   Post #: 20
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