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Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 7:21:10 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
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Just a thought that has often passed through my mind when I've browsed through profiles on CM and other sites. Why do people when looking for a potential partner set the bar so high for people to jump and if someone does jump it they are simply going to look at you and say, you've got a cheek setting such a high standard, look at you, I'm off!

I've looked at sub profiles giving a list of wants from their potential partner and then read the list of what they have to offer and the two don't in anyway match. People appear to want far more than they are able or seem willing to give.

I'm not looking for anyone but I was considering what my reaction would be to the profiles I was browsing and I dismissed most as wanting far too much with nothing to offer in return. I know subs get inundated by doms or sex fiends but I suspect on the whole it is mainly in hope of sex rather than a relationship and have their bar set so low a tatty sheep could jump it.

Oh. If anyone is wondering how high my bar is. It depends how aroused I am but on the whole it is pretty low because I'd only offer meals out and a taxi home in the morning after I've had my wicked way. There is no room in my appartment for two and my bank account is indelibly printed in my name.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

Post #: 1

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:05:31 AM

LeeMN

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

I am a Domme who has "set the bar" pretty high, and I even list the things that are requirements (as in "must haves") and preferences (not deal-breakers, but better if they are there) in my profile. Anyone who bothers to read my profile (which seems to be pretty rare, but that is an entirely different post...) in its entirety will have a pretty clear idea of what it is I am looking for, and whether a submissive has a chance of getting involved with me, or not. I make no aplologies that I have my list for the purpose of "weeding out" those who are not compatible with me, or who have goals that are at odds with mine.

What I will say is that I *do* offer reciprocity, on all except one point. I do require that a submissive be available to be in a relationship with me, with no other entanglements. I have a submissive already, and am very upfront about that fact, as well as the fact that he will remain my submissive even if I take another submissive for the purpose of establishing a long-term relationship. (If the submissive is bisexual or bi-curious, and interested in submitting to me and my sub, even better!)

I get the fact that I am not going to be everyone's cup of tea... and it isn't a value judgment on me, or a failing on my part, if I am not what what someone is looking for, any more than it is a failing on the submissive's part if he is not what I am looking for.

I do occassionally get emails from submissives (usually ones that have never bothered to talk to me and are upset that I have my lists in my profile) complaining to me that I am not being "fair" because they are not what I am looking for.

To this I say:
1) I dont see that I have any obligation to be "fair". I am a Domme. I make the rules and the decisions in my Ds relationships--I dont have to be "fair".
2) What is "fair" to me about wasting my time with someone who is definitely not what I am looking for?
3) Figure out what you are looking for, and make your own "list" of must haves and preferred. Stop with the desperation, and figure out you have worth, and what that worth is, and then seek out those who want what it is you have to offer.... oops, I realize this is turning into what should be a different post... but you see my point, I hope.

And at the end of the day, if my list of requirements is met by someone who has a list of requirements that I fulfill, its all good.

I suppose the two points I am trying to make are:

Self-awareness of what you have to offer and what you are seeking is always a good thing, and

It only takes one person to fulfill what your seeking, and both of you have a really good relationship.

Just my $.13 cents.

Lee M

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 2

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:17:42 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

If the bar is set high enough, those with experience will drink the other under the table.

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to LeeMN)

Post #: 3

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:25:13 AM

ElektraUkM

Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Well I suppose one answer to this is that profiles are (generally?) about the person writing them, rather than the person reading them. So the emphasis is going to be on what the writer wants, needs, and doesn't want or need, rather than on the hypothetical needs of a prospective partner one doesn't even know yet and who may have ideas one hasn't even considered.

It's up to the reader of a profile to decide whether there is likely to be a match, bearing in mind the (similarly 'biased') information the reader has of their own desires.

A more balanced discussion of the needs and wants of both individuals (and whether they're compatable) can really only take place once discussion has begun.

Just musing on the topic, and I suppose there are many other ways of looking at it.

(in reply to LeeMN)

Post #: 4

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:41:01 AM

MzTlaz

Posts: 140
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline

I think I set the bar pretty high from an outside view anyway. I couldn't possibly be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have integrity, honor, intelligence, manners, a healthy self-esteem, a sense of humor, doesn't take themselves too seriously and has an open mind. It seems that those qualities are rare thesedays hence the bar being set high but I don't feel like settling. I feel and am told that I have a lot to offer and can afford to be choosey but I think the real truth here is that I am quite happy single, never short of playmates or lovers if I want them so I have no reason to settle for less than I truly want.

(in reply to ElektraUkM)

Post #: 5

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:49:20 AM

subfever

Posts: 2895
Joined: 5/22/2004
Status: offline

Setting high standards is often the result of having a healthy self-esteem. That's a good thing.

However, sometimes it seems as though many of us are neurotic, Seinfeld-type characters who look for reasons why someone is not right for us.

The combination of adequate chemistry, compatibility, and communication has the ability to overcome those petty imperfections. I believe this is especially true in a D/s environment, where far fewer power-struggles exist.

Most of us looking for a perfect fit, or even a near-perfect fit, from the get-go are destined to become frustrated and lonely.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 6

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 9:09:53 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

Just a thought that has often passed through my mind when I've browsed through profiles on CM and other sites. Why do people when looking for a potential partner set the bar so high for people to jump and if someone does jump it they are simply going to look at you and say, you've got a cheek setting such a high standard, look at you, I'm off!

I've looked at sub profiles giving a list of wants from their potential partner and then read the list of what they have to offer and the two don't in anyway match. People appear to want far more than they are able or seem willing to give.

I'm not looking for anyone but I was considering what my reaction would be to the profiles I was browsing and I dismissed most as wanting far too much with nothing to offer in return. I know subs get inundated by doms or sex fiends but I suspect on the whole it is mainly in hope of sex rather than a relationship and have their bar set so low a tatty sheep could jump it.

Oh. If anyone is wondering how high my bar is. It depends how aroused I am but on the whole it is pretty low because I'd only offer meals out and a taxi home in the morning after I've had my wicked way. There is no room in my appartment for two and my bank account is indelibly printed in my name.

I'm not sure I understand... is it that subs are asking for more than you are willing to give, or is it that they don't appear to offer what you want? If someone's profile isn't to your liking, then I would suspect they are a poor match for you.

Is it wrong for others to be clear about what they are seeking?

Something I've learned since being on CM... it's doubtful you'll get what you want unless you ask for it, but it is certain you'll never get what you want if you settle for less.

I'm one of the lucky ones, though; I asked and I received.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 7

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 9:24:23 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: losttreasure
I'm not sure I understand... is it that subs are asking for more than you are willing to give, or is it that they don't appear to offer what you want?

I understood him as saying subs ask for the world but are not willing to give much back in return.

(in reply to losttreasure)

Post #: 8

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 9:42:46 AM

LotusSong

Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline

I believe one should never ask for or offer more than they can give.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 9

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 9:51:27 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

not everyone is going to be a good fit for every one else...in fact good fits are some what rare imo.

i know you know that, meat cleaver, but sometimes its easy to forget and it is good to be reminded.

_____________________________

Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."

(in reply to LotusSong)

Post #: 10

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 10:06:22 AM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline

Better to set the bar too high than to settle for a loser.

_____________________________

“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 11

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 10:16:51 AM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I've looked at sub profiles giving a list of wants from their potential partner and then read the list of what they have to offer and the two don't in anyway match. People appear to want far more than they are able or seem willing to give.

I'm not looking for anyone but I was considering what my reaction would be to the profiles I was browsing and I dismissed most as wanting far too much with nothing to offer in return. I know subs get inundated by doms or sex fiends but I suspect on the whole it is mainly in hope of sex rather than a relationship and have their bar set so low a tatty sheep could jump it.

This is an astute observation of what seems to be a common problem with many in "the lifestyle."

Standards of authenticity are crucial to have, both from a dominant or submissive perspective. As for me, my prerequisites are considerable, but reveal the need for high standards in both parties; for only those who seek to be truly subjugated interest me. When there is congruence in this regard, it is a beautiful thing, but like many beautiful things, it is a wistful rarity.

Ever more in fashion it seems are the fawning imposters who help you to help themselves.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 12

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 11:12:00 AM

gypsygrl

Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline

A meal and a taxi home? Who says chivalry is dead??? :)

Seriously, I'm a little confused as to what your saying. It seems your saying that submissives are too specific in their listed criteria for a good match and that they expect a lot more than they're willing to give. I've noticed both the former and latter in dominant's profiles so I don't think its a problem with just submissives. The basic problem I see with other peoples profiles is that they come accross as "order forms" in which someone is shopping for the perfect mate. Hense, specific criteria are listed.

Personally, I take a different approach because I know from past experiences that trying to overdetermine things only leads to personal stagnation. So, I try not to be too specific in what I'm looking for because I'm pretty sure thats not as compelling as what I'm not looking for or am actively avoiding.

I don't think its a matter of setting the bar too high, or too low but rather remaining open to experience and allowing myself to move beyond my own comfort zone.

In general, I try not to objectify or instrumentalize other people by reducing things to a list of criteria or preconceived notions of what a "perfect" interaction would be.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 13

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 11:25:16 AM

meatcleaver

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Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I suppose I should have looked at dom profiles too before posting rather than appearing just to pick on subs. But I think what you imply hits the nail on the head, people appear to close down possibilities from the start. I find most profiles off putting, even the ones where I tick the check list.

I don't skimp on the meal and I don't expect her to wait outside in the cold until the taxi arrives.

_____________________________

There are fascists who consider themselves humanitarians, like cannibals on a health kick, eating only vegetarians.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 14

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 12:44:09 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I set my bar high, he exceeded my hopes and expectations, and in return I offer all my special gifts and talents...I have not read a lot of submissive profiles, I only know what I had on my profile when I was looking... which was that I was looking for a lifelong relationship with a like minded person of high standards, intellect, and integrity that would appreciate what I brought to the table. It did not demand a man that was rich, or famous, or looked like Zeus... I just wanted to be with someone who had the same hopes, dreams and similar worldview. Perhaps that was why I found him so quickly, I set my sights on that which would make me happy and I wanted a real person, not a wish list

We tend to see the world how we are meatcleaver, and your opinion about the fairer sex is a little jaded. To you it is expecting the world to want a committed long term relationship perhaps? That is basically what I have read on the submissive profiles I have seen, that they want a longterm relationship with a caring, compassionate man that will have honesty and integrity. Perhaps we have been looking at different profiles, because most of the ones I have looked at were of fellow submissives that post on this forum, and they do not seem to want too much in my opinion.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 15

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 12:50:07 PM

Kalira

Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline

Hmm, even though I do not go into detail on my profile; my bar has always been set very high. I knew exactly what I wanted and was not going to settle for anything less. Luckily, I met someone who understood that and who in no way tried to lower the bar, so to speak. If anything, he has raised it higher since I have become his.

My wants within a relationship do not stem from me wanting my own way, but rather from me knowing WHAT CAN BE, and going after that and that alone.

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 16

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 2:58:33 PM

mp072004

Posts: 381
Joined: 12/22/2005
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The issue here, I think, is whether it is more important to get whatever one seeks from a partner frequently or exactly as desired. If I want only interactions that are exactly what I want, I should set the bar very high, so to speak, and compromise little, with the understanding that this will diminish my pool of prospective partners. If it's most important for me to interact frequently, even if those interactions aren't quite to my taste, then I should lower my standards to increase my pool of prospective partners. Meatcleaver, if you've been browsing a lot of profiles of the former sort--where the author privileges his or her desired encounter, rather than privileging his or her desire to have an encounter--many will not be desirable to you, you won't want to email them, and you will imagine (rightly) that these profiles will attract fewer people than a more general profile. This is reasonable, and it indicates that the profiles are doing exactly what their authors want.

Monica

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 17

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 3:22:55 PM

defiantbadgirl

Posts: 2988
Joined: 11/14/2005
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I don't ask for anything I'm not willing to give. For example, I don't care if a dom is a bit overweight because I'm BBW myself. I do ask that he have all his hair and front teeth because I have all mine. I also ask that he has a job and his own transportation. I don't care if his vehicle is brand new or 10 years old, as long as he has one. Yet I have been told time and time again that my standards are too high.

(in reply to mp072004)

Post #: 18

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 3:53:33 PM

QuietDom

Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: gypsygrl

A meal and a taxi home? Who says chivalry is dead??? :)

I'm even easier; just make the meal good, and I'll drive myself home.

(in reply to gypsygrl)

Post #: 19

RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 5:47:31 PM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

not everyone is going to be a good fit for every one else...in fact good fits are some what rare imo.

i know you know that, meat cleaver, but sometimes its easy to forget and it is good to be reminded.

i tend to set the bar high, and lately i have been wondering the same thing myself. Am i too tough in what i seek? Still pondering the question within. So i understand this thought, but what i look for is not centered on a littany of wants, needs, must haves, will do's, won't do's, etc. i am an all or nothing type of person, and seek only my complement, so i look for another who is the same. For me, that is also a rare find. If a person matches or can recognize in me, what is already present in them, then great, i know i will be able to trust them with my vulnerabilities and need to surrender, and if not, i don't know how to settle for less than that, and would rather opt to remain alone. For to settle for anything less is just a tease for me. So i have to be reminded from time to time myself. ~smile It is good to be reminded. Thank you ~grinz

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 20

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