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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 7:08:13 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Because they want a relationship more than they want to be who they are.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 7:19:22 PM   
onlythewindknows


Posts: 259
Joined: 10/22/2006
Status: offline 		it is my experience that the more clearly i visualize and verbalize EXACTLY what i want, the better the chance is i actually get it. it is good to set the bar high - then, if you don't quite hit it, you may get at least close.


< Message edited by onlythewindknows -- 11/19/2006 7:22:57 PM >

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 7:27:54 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows

it is my experience that the more clearly i visualize and verbalize EXACTLY what i want, the better the chance is i actually get it. it is good to set the bar high - then, if you don't quite hit it, you may get at least close.



Agreed. Intentions are clearly focused when there is a clear picture in mind of what one desires.  i know exactly what i intend to find, and therefore it causes me to raise the bar.  Just me. ~smile

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 8:34:06 PM   
truesub4u


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

Better to set the bar too high than to settle for a loser.


amen


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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 9:01:49 PM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
Status: offline 		I also kinda think that some people have an awfully hard time sitting down to write a profile about themselves and sometimes, it just comes off all wrong, or it gives the wrong impression.  I mean...I think it's tough to sit there with this totally blank palette and try to take what you feel and paint it into something that not only looks good but comes off as accurate.  Not everyone is articulate, not everyone is able to just pull the words off the top of their head and lay it out like a blueprint, and make it look like something desirable.  Nothing...but nothing, as far as Im concerned can replace just opening up a dialog with someone that piques your interest and just letting nature take it's course.  I mean...it just never fails.  I guess something different works for everyone, but it's the only way I have ever made a meaningful connection with anyone.  It only happens when you say hi and they say hi back and you just start rolling.  You're either going to blend into one another, or youre not.  And it doesnt take very long to see the direction.  I think the problem is that we each have these cut and dried ideas about how to go about the 'connection' process.  Some have a very pragmatic and direct approach.  Others have a sort of a 'go with the flow' approach.  Neither is right or wrong, but I wouldnt put too much stock in the way a profile is worded, when I think alot of people feel really awkward about writing them. Id say, give the person a chance first.  

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/19/2006 11:34:51 PM   
meatcleaver


Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		General point

The reason I asked the question in the first place was that it seems to me, the first thing you have to do to find a potential partner is talk to someone and if you have put up a barrier and defend it by putting the bar high because you have standards, my guess it puts people off who fit those standards but prefer someone with a little more humility. One of the most off putting things I find about profiles is how narcissistic many of them are. One thing is loving oneself, the other is loving oneself to the exclusion of all others, unless you want to remain single.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 4:10:11 AM   
ExSteelAgain


Posts: 1803
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Georgia
Status: offline 		The only uses I have for profiles are to determine if they are submissive and to get a feel for the basic intelligence. The perfect match may come from where you least expect it. It may be someone you see casually who hardly matches any of your wish list.

There is something about people that make you forget the demands on your list. With the right person, you are going to start looking for ways to change your list.

Maybe you only wanted a PhD and the person you find is a high school drop out who is a beautifully, sensitive poet. Poetry may suddenly become more important to you than formal degrees. You are going to grow into something beyond what you expected with the right person.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 4:43:24 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

The only uses I have for profiles are to determine if they are submissive and to get a feel for the basic intelligence. The perfect match may come from where you least expect it. It may be someone you see casually who hardly matches any of your wish list.

There is something about people that make you forget the demands on your list. With the right person, you are going to start looking for ways to change your list.

Maybe you only wanted a PhD and the person you find is a high school drop out who is a beautifully, sensitive poet. Poetry may suddenly become more important to you than formal degrees. You are going to grow into something beyond what you expected with the right person.


Beautiful point.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 5:04:28 AM   
marieToo


Posts: 3595
Joined: 5/21/2006
From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

General point

The reason I asked the question in the first place was that it seems to me, the first thing you have to do to find a potential partner is talk to someone and if you have put up a barrier and defend it by putting the bar high because you have standards, my guess it puts people off who fit those standards but prefer someone with a little more humility. One of the most off putting things I find about profiles is how narcissistic many of them are. One thing is loving oneself, the other is loving oneself to the exclusion of all others, unless you want to remain single.


I understand what you mean.  And some people are, without a doubt, a complete turn off just from reading his/her profile.

Im just saying that other times, it may only come off that a particular person is narcissistic, self-absorbed, self-centered, with this huge bar set because they sit down to this blank page thinking that they are supposed to fill it up with how great they are then follow that up with their "Ideal" of what they seek.  They feel like they have to "sell" themselves.  So they beef themselves up like a used car in a newspaper ad ("Creampuff" "Garage Kept")And then they have to paint up their ideal partner to be a romance-novel-catch who earns 300K a year, who is good looking, understanding, sexy, creative, a good communicator and on and on and on.  Don't forgot alot of people do live in a world that is not realistic. Again, this is usually apparent and can be used as a good "ruling-out" tool. 

Then on the other hand, I have sat down a few times and tried to write a profile and it comes off kind of dorky. So, I guess I cut other people a little slack if theirs sounds too self absorbed, or like their bar is set too high.  I have seen alot of profiles stating reem after reem of what they want, desire, need, seek, expect, even demand yet say not a single word about what they have to offer.  And yes, in some cases I think that does point to the fact that they are totally absorbed in themselves and are waiting for Christy Brinkly to walk through their door and ya know what?  Those are usually the types who sit on all these sites year after year after year, doing nothing but masturbating while fantasizing about this wonderwoman who doesnt exist. And the really funny part is that after some 10 years of losing they haven't figured out what they're doing wrong.
For me, the botton line is all about conversing, really.  I still think thats the only way to get to the bottom of it, unless of course you read a profile thats filled with "Goddess in search of Fabio" kind of stuff, then you know right away the person has been reading too many websites and has had no experience other than their bedtime fantasies.  Keep in mind too (and I know this is going to sound cynical) but Id say about 90% of the people out there are to be "weeded out" and the ones who are worth getting to know are few and far between.  What Im saying is if you've been on a site like this for a while and have found maybe 5 or so people that you think are worth pursuing, thats actually a pretty good percentage.

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marie.


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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 8:56:55 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I think it is a very complex issue. First forget profiles on collarme, try reading some on vanilla dating sites to get  some genuine scratch your head material. People self idealize and there is no reality detector when typing on a keyboard to cyberland. This causes many to write self grandiose things about themselves but to also seek out the perfect person in return. Some people are quite literal why some maybe just list what they would love to have but do not really expect everything. I do think though a significant amount have issues in this area. I think dominants sometimes get lost in an all about them type thinking and submissives tend to, well if I am going to get so many messages I might as well insist on the moon.

To me there is a big difference to setting the bar artificially high and one knowing themselves well enough to know what does it for them. To me that is where the problem would come into. If the demands are more in a hope or wishlist type thing and not what they really need. If this happens then they are only hurting themselves.


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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 1:19:09 PM   
FirmhandKY


Posts: 8948
Joined: 9/21/2004
Status: offline 		My reading of what meatcleaver is saying isn't really about "standards" at all, but rather when someone makes so many detailed requirements of things, that often times, when you meet someone that you click with .... all those "demands" and "standards" sometimes turn out not to be all that important after all.

It's difficult sometimes to realize yourself what you may or may not accept in someone, and it very easy to just "make demands".  Dreaming in your head, and then typing what you see in your head is pretty easy to do.  Realizing that people (including yourself) are complex, malleable, and sometimes different and more exciting in reality is a lot harder.  Getting it across effectively is harder still.

Let me give you a couple of examples from my profile, and my experience.

One of the things that comes up a lot is the "age" restrictions.  Many people have a definite "cut off", for a potential partner in which they consider either "too young", or "too old".  A hard and fast number, where, if you are one day past it, you "don't meet their standards".

I think we have all had the experience of meeting someone who's age wouldn't normally tend to make us interested in them, but we either get to know them first, or we got to know them despite of their "out of bounds" age, and we were glad we did.

Personally, when I was looking, I didn't think it likely that anyone under 35 would be much of a match, nor much older than my current age.  What I said, however was:
While generally I am looking for woman between 30 and 50, if the connection is right, I would consider someone younger or older. For younger woman I make a very good "Daddy" figure, although I don't consider myself a "Daddy Dom". For older woman, I am comfortable enough, experienced enough in life and mature enough to make the age difference immaterial
I didn't just say "if you aren't between the ages of 35 and 47, I don't want to hear from you.  Go fish."

I tried not to foreclose the possibility of anyone, of any age, because I've been surprised before, and why would I want to discourage a woman that may have been just what I was looking for ... but one year "too old" (or "too young")?

Height is another, similar issue.  Weight is a biggie.

Weight is a real hard one, especially for men.  How many "fat sub threads" have you seen?  Why are they so long?  I like smaller women, but have been entranced by women who weren't petite or skinny ... so I didn't want to foreclose the possibility of meeting a woman who was perfect in every other way, except she might have considered herself a tad "hefty".  Here is what I said in my profile:
While my ideal woman would be very petite or small, I am not fixtated on any particular body shape ... just healthy and proportional. Women with a few extra pounds - especially if they have had children - are just as sexy to me (and sometimes more so) than a "perfect 10" model. A lot of it is in the attitude, not the body itself.

I think that gets my point across, and does so without insulting anyone, and leaving the door open for that "one special person" who thinks that all men are looking for a runway model - and she ain't - but might make me happy as hell.

Both of these examples are important things ... they often are "deal breakers", but there are a multitude of smaller issues that can be handled the same way.

That doesn't mean that there might not be deal killers that you want to put into your profile, just ... take some time and think hard about them.

FirmKY

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 1:27:55 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ExSteelAgain

The only uses I have for profiles are to determine if they are submissive and to get a feel for the basic intelligence. The perfect match may come from where you least expect it. It may be someone you see casually who hardly matches any of your wish list.

There is something about people that make you forget the demands on your list. With the right person, you are going to start looking for ways to change your list.

Maybe you only wanted a PhD and the person you find is a high school drop out who is a beautifully, sensitive poet. Poetry may suddenly become more important to you than formal degrees. You are going to grow into something beyond what you expected with the right person.


It is this type of beautiful semtiment that i leave myself open to receive.  For me, aiming high is akin to having it all, not shutting anyone or anything out, but rather choosing filters that weed out those who have the potential to bring me down.  For sometimes, i may not know what it is that i seek in its entirety, until it arrives.  i am careful to consider this aspect.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 5:27:09 PM   
Polydad


Posts: 9
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline 		I suspect that many people forget that reading and responding to ads is a negotiating situation.  If I ask for people meeting a strict standard, by doing so I'm implying a willingness to meet their own similarly strict standards.   However,  if I ask for something so precise there's never any way of telling what I'm missing that doesn't quite meet that precise description -- "Never let the best be the enemy of the good." 

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 5:46:08 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear meatcleaver, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
In my mind's eyes I see, a profile is merely a 'doormat' that invites an individual to step up to the door to another's world.
 
It is not a person's biography certainly however, it does show what might be in common more than not.
 
In setting the bar high, it indeed may be to high for those from the outside yet, without a higher bar there would be no room for compromises.  Lower, there would be no room for compromise and or negotiations.
 
Most of my slaves came from where I least expected.  They found me.
They courted me and then petitioned me for a position in my life. 
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 6:33:30 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

General point

The reason I asked the question in the first place was that it seems to me, the first thing you have to do to find a potential partner is talk to someone and if you have put up a barrier and defend it by putting the bar high because you have standards, my guess it puts people off who fit those standards but prefer someone with a little more humility. One of the most off putting things I find about profiles is how narcissistic many of them are. One thing is loving oneself, the other is loving oneself to the exclusion of all others, unless you want to remain single.


Are we supposed to talk about all our flaws and sound like losers, example of a meatcleaver approved profile:

Slightly chubby submissive seeks barely acceptable dom. I have very little going for me and do not expect much of you. I am only slightly desperate and have low expectations.
 
Is that acceptable?

I liked my less humble, more self assured profile, and it was successful for me. In my experience most men do not want wallflowers with little self esteem.

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 6:47:56 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Everyone has a set of standards.  And yes, some people do have theirs set higher than they should.  I met a guy once who described himself as above average.  He was seeking a petite to small framed submissive in her early 20's with a large bust and an open mind.
Mind you, he described himself as above average.  He was 45, about 100 lbs over weight, MAYBE a high school graduate, who worked with animals (which worked into his kink), and lived in a rented studio in his parents back yard. 
I will never understand how he thought he could attract a young looker.
After about a year, he lowered his expectations, eventually he just dropped out of sight.

Expectations have to be reasonable.  When they aren't things do not move.  Eventually people adjust if they want more than emptiness. 

Personally I set my bar high.  I love intelligent, creative men with a quick wit.  Looks used to be a huge factor when I was much younger.  Now, if the guy isn't 6'2" and blond, I might look his way if he has personality and the bar.

I understand I will not meet someones bar and I am ok with that.  Everyone should have standards.  We do have to live with ourselves and our choices.
Kyst


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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

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RE: Setting the bar too high? - 11/20/2006 6:56:27 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

General point

The reason I asked the question in the first place was that it seems to me, the first thing you have to do to find a potential partner is talk to someone and if you have put up a barrier and defend it by putting the bar high because you have standards, my guess it puts people off who fit those standards but prefer someone with a little more humility. One of the most off putting things I find about profiles is how narcissistic many of them are. One thing is loving oneself, the other is loving oneself to the exclusion of all others, unless you want to remain single.

I am going to be totally honest here and say that if you don't set the bar high, you are doing nothing but looking to settle for less than what would make you happy. I can't understand doing that. ( someone , please, explain that to me ).

If you are precise, and to the point of EXACTLY what you want, what you are looking for, and what you will and will not do...you have a better chance of finding that one who respects that aspect of you.


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Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
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Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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