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onlythewindknows -> outing (11/17/2006 5:18:11 AM)

Has anyone ever been "outed" for their BDSM preferences?

If yes, what were the concequences, if any?



Kalira -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 5:38:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows

Has anyone ever been "outed" for their BDSM preferences?

If yes, what were the concequences, if any?


For myself, there is nothing there to 'out'. I am very open about my relationship preferences; to my family, to the public, to my friends.

Those who have the curiosity to ask me, are always told the truth.

edited to add:

personally, what others think about my slavery to Master means very little to me. They can either accept it, attempt to understand it, or dismiss it. Their opinions do not affect my life.



MstrssPassion -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 7:41:45 AM)

I've had a conversation today with someone who is afraid to move forward to live settings because they fear being recognized & thus having their reputation & the reputation of the company they work for tarnished.

I just don't get it... if you are recognized at an event... let's say a munch... then obviously the person who recognizes you & knows you in a professional sense is there for the same reasons. How can one benefit by outing one without outing themselves???

My opinion is that if someone harbors this type of fear then they are most likely not comfortable in their own skin & are ashamed to be out of closet in their desired lifestyle choice. I also feel if they have a measure of discomfort with their own participation within this how can they think fondly of others who are participating in this? They must carry over that sense of shame in others since they are part of this thing they are ashamed of & fear negative repercussions in their life if recognized.

I'm out & I've been recognized & nothing really came of it other than one awkward conversation with employers that could have been easily turned around on them so that I could have pressed sexual harassment charges against them. Another outcome with a rather amusing out come was when I man came into a store I was managing & recognized me & he dropped to his knees... no BS... I asked how he could serve me. Well the girl that was working with me giggled & I told him to vacuum the store, take out the garbage & clean the bathrooms.

So with this said... there can be good & not so good outcomes about being recognized & the outcome of it all really depends on your own comfort level & acceptance of your involvement.

If you are on the net & posting profiles & contributing to threads... you've already outed yourself & it wouldn't take a rocket scientist or an expert tech to track down who you are out in the world. Signing online is the starting point & every where you go & what you do while online draws a line straight back to you.



gypsygrl -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 8:03:48 AM)

I've never been outed, but I inadvertantly outed myself once in a heated discussion during a Philosophy of Education group meeting.  There weren't any consequences, but I felt really awkward afterwards as what I had done sunk in.  There was nothing inappropriate about what I had said, and it was relevant to the discussion, but, I still felt kind of strange about it. 

In general, though, I don't worry about being outed.  For better or worse, I try to be honest about who I am and what I do.



Arpig -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 8:26:19 AM)

I outed myself when I decided to persue this sort of lifestyle. The consequences? Basically people said "Hmmm, I always figured you were a sick puppy, Bob, and now I know you are"
In the imortal words of the sailor with the mishappen forearms: I-yam-wot-I-yam



MstrssPassion -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 8:57:20 AM)

HEY!

that's my line... though I write it I y'am what I y'am (Popeye 101)



SweetEscravo -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 9:30:10 AM)

Maybe 3 or 4 years ago my mom cornered me and started saying that "people who like bondage are sick and there's something wrong with them" for about ten minutes.  I just stared at her in shock and fled to the bathtroom to cry afterwards.  I still have no idea how she figured it out, but she hasn't brought it up since.  I think that's the most I've ever been "outed".  I'm usually pretty careful.



toservez -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 9:36:54 AM)

I can only speak to being outed at work. I have outed myself a couple of times because in my job as a nurse coming to the defense of a patient with markings. It is pretty much don't ask and don't tell type stuff. An ocaisonal joke good or bad from someone who is comfortable being around me and just knowing that you will be a part of the daily gossip for a certain amount of time has been my experience.



PONYSEEKER -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 10:03:59 AM)

What Arpig said pretty much tells for me.
I have also come to the defense of co-workers on a couple of
occasions dealing with wearing collars at work.



onlythewindknows -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 12:38:52 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MstrssPassion

My opinion is that if someone harbors this type of fear then they are most likely not comfortable in their own skin & are ashamed to be out of closet in their desired lifestyle choice.


Good point, though fear might not be the only motivation for wanting to keep aspects of one's life somewhat private. 



Sirandlittle1 -> RE: outing (11/17/2006 3:52:01 PM)

i wear a necklace with the bdsm emblem on it as my collar. At work, a colleague recognised it. Happened to be a guy i cant stand, jumped up little prick of a Dom. He thought it'd be fun, to make double entendres throughout a workshop day we shared. I didnt. I told him to shut up, sexual harrassment, is sexual harrassment, he hadnt thought of that.  

As a therapist in psychiatry, ive spoken in defence of submissives with markings, explained why a female client is making a informed choice, and not 'ill' to a psychiatrist, and that he didnt need to intervene. But mind his own business.

Ive two older sisters. Neither of which can orgasm, both of which are vanilla. Im out to them. In my 20's, they thought me a slut, in my 30's they thought it ok i that was what i was, im my forties, they envy me and are as curious as hell.

my two adult kids now, one is following in my footsteps, the other doesnt want to know about what mum likes for jollies. The youngster just see's a great relationship, of mutual respect, no argueing, and 2 people deeply in love.

Im not bothered who knows, he is private. And nobody he knows, knows what sort of relationship we have. His choice that i respect. I cant be out, if he's in. So im 'in' now too.
I think that he has some work to do on accepting what and who he is. And that's ok. We do attend clubs occasionally, in that environment, he gets to be out too.

Outing someone, is something id never do. Their privacy is theirs, not mine to blab.
littleone




SamKeithsslave -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 3:13:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows

Has anyone ever been "outed" for their BDSM preferences?

If yes, what were the concequences, if any?



I am out to most of my friends. All but one accepts my choice. She believes it is a "phase" I am going through. I tried to explain its a pretty damned long phase having lasted decades!! LOL.
My mother is as prudish as they come, she is disgusted by the very thought of attending a male strip show and even tame shows with sexual inuendo have her muttering "disgusting" under her breath. (Eg Seinfields "master of my domain" show). So there is no way I would out myself to her, my brother is just as prudish. My father on the other would probably be accepting of it all, he is far more open minded.
Consequences? None really with my friends. IF I were to tell my family my mother would probably clutch her chest and blame me for causeing her even more stress and worry in her life than she already has, so its not worth the headache.



canupleaseme -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 3:46:00 AM)

I am out to my friends and if my family asked then i would tell them. Its not something i talk about daily but i have no problem discusiing things with friends if they ask me. My boy isnt out though to many people i think he has 2 friends that know he likes kink but thats as far as it goes and i respect the decision he has made with that, im sure he is worried he would be outed thugh he knows i never would.  And i think he likes the fact that some of my friends are aware of the situation (we have different social circles) because it means he can sit by my feet when they come round without being paranoid. And ive never had any negative comments about my lifestyle either which is great, they just like to ask loads of questions. I also think a few of them have seen the massive benefits in my life with how happy and settled and unarguing we are and are quite envious.[:D]



maninferior -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 9:17:05 AM)

10 Years or so ago there used to be a lot of discussion about this... I haven't seen a lot of it lately. But there were stories (Urban ledgends or real) of careless couples and the babysitter finding home made videos. Also of course, is the everpresent "What iif the cops are called?" question.

The consequences in these stories were fairly serious. Embarasment and having to relocate were fairly minor. Things like lost jobs and having the children taken away were more serious. I seem to remember in on case the male dominant spending some time in jail.

Even in the most imaginative urban legends there is a bit of truth. It pays to be careful.



lordbaltizar -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 10:20:13 AM)

A very close friend of mine was outed and it ruined his life completely because of closed minded people and an obcure law.He had a concensual kidnap sceen with a written agreement with a sub the sceen went bad and they were exposed,some one saw and called police.the man was arrested for atempted kidnap and was subsquently thrown in jail for 15 yrs becuase even thow there was a written aggreement it is illegal do reframe a persons movement and secrete that person wether or not that person wants it or not. he eventully won his appeal after 3 yrs and won a 2nd trial and was aquitted of this so called crime.It would of never happened except for the desire of a d.a. running for re;election and public view that this type of activity is not tollerable in out society.he is still after 2 yrs out  trying to rebuild his life with  not alot of success.be careful out there. ~l.b.~



reverendtorres -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 11:07:24 AM)

I had someone get vindictive with me once and tell my brother what I do.  Instead of being disgusted with me or thankful to the third party, he ripped the bastard a new one for trying to mess with his sister.  Amusing, but unexpected.



Emperor1956 -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 11:43:40 AM)

quote:

MistrssPassion:  My opinion is that if someone harbors this type of fear then they are most likely not comfortable in their own skin & are ashamed to be out of closet in their desired lifestyle choice. I also feel if they have a measure of discomfort with their own participation within this how can they think fondly of others who are participating in this? They must carry over that sense of shame in others since they are part of this thing they are ashamed of & fear negative repercussions in their life if recognized.


If this is your opinion, then you have outed yourself:   as a thoughtless, judgemental and foolish woman.  If you cannot understand the severe consequences of "outing" a person who lives in a duality, then you are a questionable soul totally lacking in empathy.  Ditto if you cannot understand why someone would choose to keep their private life private.  And to quote yourself, a person with no empathy "[is] most likely not comfortable in their own skin & are ashamed to be out of closet in their desired lifestyle choice." 

This post I am replying to typifies what I dislike most here at CM -- people who are unable to say "this is what I believe" without tearing down others.  The "outing" issue is of small import to me; the constant "I'm better than you" posting of several people is most irritating.  There was an earlier thread about whether opinions can be wrong.  Here's an opinion:  if your worldview can't exist without derogation of another, then you have serious issues and are probably a deeply flawed and unhappy person.  Of course...maybe I'm wrong.  But I don't think so.

And re: outing:   In fact, I am out to some.  There are many with whom I have chosen to discuss my Dominance, our poly relationships, and various other kinks.  The key is that it is-- and should be -- my choice, not the choice of some sick individual who thinks she (or he) has the key to the world in their hands and chooses to make what is private, public.  I would seriously damage someone who chose to "out" me, my wife or my girl or anyone I cared for without the person being outed's consent.

E




agirl -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 1:47:42 PM)

I can't see the correlation between not wishing to, or even fearing being *out*......... and *thinking fondly* of others who participate.

People's fears, worries and irrationalities are very personal, and so are the possible repercussions, it certainly doesn't follow that they will think badly of others that don't have them.

I'm not answerable to anyone in my life, that's great, I can be as *out* as I wish to be.........a decade ago that wouldn't have been the case.

There are still things in my life I don't care to share.........nothing to do with M/s or bdsm.....just my own little peculiar quirky things.......I don't care to be an open book for the prurient to read. I prefer to decide for myself what I allow others to be privy to.

agirl





DiurnalVampire -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 2:19:16 PM)

I have been outted at work, accidentaly mind you. My manager made a comment about what a great Dominatrix I would make, because for some reason all the boys in the store rushed around to do my bidding while he talked to them until he was blue in the face and got no where.  I laughed and asked him who told him, and it winds up no one had... he was joking.  But, he really wasnt terribly surprised either.  No repercussions there.

The only place Angel and I are concerned about repercussions is in our church community.  Neither of us are out and active in the lifestyle persay,  but we do have to make sue that our outward apearance is properly vanilla for the church folk.

Beyond that, the majority of my friends know.  His wouldnt understand so they do not. I gauge the situation and if I think itll go over well, I have no problem talking about my lifestyle. 

DV



Lenis -> RE: outing (11/18/2006 8:44:00 PM)

I got accidently outed when my friend decided to snoop around my house and found my 'play' bag.  When it happened, it was very funny, for 5 mins it would be 'What is this?' I try and answer and he immediately goes 'I don't want to know.'

As a side benefit, before he found out he would make all these comments about all the kinky kinds of sex he had, after he stopped, afraid I'd call him on it. 

One friend knows, but is only interested in the sex stuff.  No one else knows though, and I think my parents already have an idea.  

-Brian



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