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Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 2:51:57 PM   
Mikida


Posts: 27
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		This is my first post to the forum where I start a new topic thread (here's wishing me luck). If you read my profile you can see I'm quite new to the bdsm lifestyle, and this may show the innocence of my post.

I have been collared by a Master - and am a bit confused on my role of a slave. He is a wonderful caring person and gives emotionally to so many others. Let me say first that I am very proud to be his Pet. I learned a couple of days ago that he was giving a female friend a place to stay and get away from it all for a couple of hours. I'm thrilled that he was that caring. He told me that he had caned her with the benefit of her having an orgasm. Was I wrong to be a little "off set" that an already engaged woman has been given the pleasure that I (as his property) can't earn? I asked "why was she caned but I wasn't?" The reply "because I cherish you more then that" was quite a wonderful reply that left me feeling quite loved.

Guess I should get straight to the point. Why do I feel more like a girlfriend instead of a slave? I want to serve him and be punished when I act inappropriately. How do you make that a reality? I really wanted to get the opinion of people who have been in this lifestyle for a while to get information before talking my Master and making a complete "donkey's end" of myself.

Thank you a lot!


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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 2:56:15 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline 		Your best bet is to sit him down and talk to him about it.  He's the only one that can clarify this for you.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:02:58 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		A lot of men have trouble hurting the woman they love. You need to talk to him about it and explain clearly that for you loving includes this behavior and that not setting and enforcing limits makes you feel unloved, not loved.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:12:43 PM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

How do you make that a reality? I really wanted to get the opinion of people who have been in this lifestyle for a while to get information before talking my Master and making a complete "donkey's end" of myself.


I don't know where to start with this.  Communicating your needs within a relationship does not make you "a complete donkey's end."  Reasonable, mature people have expectations in their relationships and they enjoy learning about each other. 


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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:16:52 PM   
Aine


Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

A lot of men have trouble hurting the woman they love. You need to talk to him about it and explain clearly that for you loving includes this behavior and that not setting and enforcing limits makes you feel unloved, not loved.


Amen.  It took a little while for my boyfriend (and I call him that because that is what he is, we have no set dynamic, we are both switches and still exploring) to feel comfortable with getting rough with me, though he was pretty receptive and open to a lot of the kinky things that I wanted to try when we first started out in our relationship.

The start of the spanking came rather early, but it was extremely light.  After spending months apart because of his job, our time alone was rather.....rambunctious, to put it lightly.  Over time, and at this point it's been about a year and a half since we have been together, his comfort level has grown with giving me a good spanking, though we're still in the hand stage so he can only go so long before it starts to hurt him too lol

Getting into the swing of things and being completely comfortable with each other and the things that each of you like is going to take time, patience and much understanding and compromise.

You have to let him know how you feel, have an open and honest conversation with him about the things that you might have ....expected (though I hate that word in this context, but it's the best I can come up with at the moment) from your relationship as being collared to him.

You two have to make it clear with each other what it is that your relationship is and will be, barring any severe, life-changing situations.  Communication is one of the biggest, if not the biggest keys in life and relationships.

I stick with my first post.  Talk to -him-.


_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to Celeste43)
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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:40:08 PM   
Mikida


Posts: 27
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Celeste43

A lot of men have trouble hurting the woman they love. You need to talk to him about it and explain clearly that for you loving includes this behavior and that not setting and enforcing limits makes you feel unloved, not loved.



I really have to say that this reply really touched me, but thanks so much for all the replies everyone! Thanks for the courage to speak to him. I really appreciate it and so keep my fingers crossed.

_____________________________

The problem with foolproof plans is they often underestimate the ingenuity of fools.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:41:04 PM   
medievalwench


Posts: 249
Joined: 10/31/2006
Status: offline 		i had to spend a lot of time talking to Master about my desires as far as physical treatment goes.
i am a pain slut, i love it; and His upbringing made it difficult for Him to feel okay about physically 'hurting' me, (as He initially saw it). It took quite a while for Him to admit that He wanted to flog, cane, whip, spank etc... though He had no problem with being Dominant in general.
talking is usually the best solution in my opinion, it has worked for Master and this girl anyway,
Good luck,
wench

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:43:54 PM   
gingered


Posts: 11
Joined: 11/13/2006
Status: offline 		Well not wanting to sound too stereotypical but you are feeling like a girlfriend because you are acting like one.  A slave does not ask for explanations of her owners actions.  Nor do they act out to get something.   That is almost akin to topping from the bottom.  Slaves don't have rights nor expect special treatment in general.  

Getting away from the stereotype, you still are stuck with feeling like one cuz you are acting like one.  But as you are new, you have to get used to things and how your Master "operates".  Like any relationship, each one is different and nobody is perfect.  



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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 3:59:32 PM   
StacyCat


Posts: 112
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		 
Okay, Caning to an orgasm does not sound like a punishment.

Why cant you earn rewards such as BDSM play?  It sounds like your and his expectations were not set down from the beginning, and both of you are thinking different things.

Solution?  COMMUNICATE!  Its that simple.  Ask him about it, say what you want out of the relationship, ask what his expectations are for you, etc.  Talk to him.

(in reply to Mikida)
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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 4:40:22 PM   
TxAllieGrl


Posts: 37
Joined: 8/27/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Well not wanting to sound too stereotypical but you are feeling like a girlfriend because you are acting like one.  A slave does not ask for explanations of her owners actions. 


IMO, telling someone new the to all of this that she can't ask for explanations in a new relationship is off base and sets a very unrealistic (and oftimes dangerous) expectation.

Perhaps in a given relationship, and that of others, the "slave" label means you can't question, but certainly we should not generalize, and certainly not to someone who is likely feeling her way into all of this.

---------------
I would definitely communicate with him about how you feel, and work towards setting guidelines and reward points (vs. punishment points) to ensure that you both get what you need out of this relationship.

I think it's also more than fair to ask for an expectation regarding playtime with others - the sooner the better as you're getting to know someone. Depending on your relationship and dynamics, it could be as little as knowing that he likes to play with others, and it might be physical, but there's not sexual contact and off he goes. Or it could be "we'll discuss it before it happens". There's no right or wrong, just what makes you both happy.

And if you dont communicate, how do you know what makes each other happy?

(in reply to gingered)
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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 5:09:34 PM   
Siona


Posts: 242
Joined: 10/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TxAllieGrl

quote:

Well not wanting to sound too stereotypical but you are feeling like a girlfriend because you are acting like one.  A slave does not ask for explanations of her owners actions. 


IMO, telling someone new the to all of this that she can't ask for explanations in a new relationship is off base and sets a very unrealistic (and oftimes dangerous) expectation.

Perhaps in a given relationship, and that of others, the "slave" label means you can't question, but certainly we should not generalize, and certainly not to someone who is likely feeling her way into all of this.

---------------
I would definitely communicate with him about how you feel, and work towards setting guidelines and reward points (vs. punishment points) to ensure that you both get what you need out of this relationship.

I think it's also more than fair to ask for an expectation regarding playtime with others - the sooner the better as you're getting to know someone. Depending on your relationship and dynamics, it could be as little as knowing that he likes to play with others, and it might be physical, but there's not sexual contact and off he goes. Or it could be "we'll discuss it before it happens". There's no right or wrong, just what makes you both happy.

And if you dont communicate, how do you know what makes each other happy?




Well done!

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 5:14:24 PM   
onlythewindknows


Posts: 259
Joined: 10/22/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gingered
A slave does not ask for explanations of her owners actions.  



but a good Master ought to give them.


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As Darth once said: "you are beaten. It is useless to resist."

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 5:23:02 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows

quote:

ORIGINAL: gingered
A slave does not ask for explanations of her owners actions.  



but a good Master ought to give them.


So nicely answered...and so right, in MOO.  He especially ought to give them to someone who is new.

My concern is that someone so new to the lifestyle chose slavery as the first option to live under.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 5:26:35 PM   
VoiceOfReason


Posts: 6
Joined: 8/6/2006
Status: offline 		To answer your base question, no...you should not feel like his girlfriend.  The simple fact that he refers to you as his cherished pet answers that quite completely. 

The answer to the deeper question, as several have already alluded to, is that you need to communicate with him.  But do not do so as a girlfriend would.  you have asked him one question already  ("why was she caned but I wasn't?") but it wasn't your real question and it didn't include telling him how you felt within.  If you wish to be his pet, approach him as one with your problems and concerns.  Lay them at his feet and ask for his guidance.  Based upon what little you have told us of him, I suspect there are few things in his life he enjoys more than teaching you.  Approach him as a slave in need, tell him politely how you felt, and ask what must be done to earn what you wish to learn. 

And yes btw...submissiveness is a word.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 5:45:59 PM   
LTRsubNW


Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
Status: offline 		"than"

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 7:03:27 PM   
Mikida


Posts: 27
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Okay wow! I didn't mean to open this whole can of worms but thanks to everyone for the replies. Most are absolutely wonderful. As stated in the original post I was looking for input before approaching Master. I will tell him exactly how that action made me feel. I really just wanted to make sure that it wasn't a small matter being blown up into a big deal. Here's hoping for the best.

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 7:23:47 PM   
Squeakers


Posts: 489
Joined: 10/3/2006
Status: offline 		Wonderful topic and some real positive feedback!   How perfect---it made my day

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RE: Should I feel more like a girlfriend then a slave? - 11/13/2006 7:26:12 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Sadly some people lose their feelings of dominance or sadism when they fall into deeper emotional attachment or love with a partner.

I've heard it from those who have fallen in love and those who are no longer getting what they want in terms of pain or control because of that love.

Personally, I don't get it. It makes no sense to me. The deeper I feel about someone the more I am able to open up my sadism and my authority over them.

I hope others can give you some positive advice because of the people I've known with this problem most just end up leaving the relationship or losing the BDSM aspects of it almost entirely.

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Girlfriend vs. slave - 11/13/2006 7:52:22 PM   
amayos


Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikida
Guess I should get straight to the point. Why do I feel more like a girlfriend instead of a slave?


How should a slave feel?





< Message edited by amayos -- 11/13/2006 7:58:57 PM >

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RE: Girlfriend vs. slave - 11/13/2006 10:29:25 PM   
raiken


Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mikida
Guess I should get straight to the point. Why do I feel more like a girlfriend instead of a slave?


How should a slave feel?

Fulfilled, else why bother?





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Profile   Post #: 20
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