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running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 11:51:06 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Do you worry about being outed if you run into someone you know from the bdsm world and they dare to talk to you in your nilla life?

Currently I have a thread running on my list about whether it is dangerous for someone you know in the BDSM realm to acknowlege you in some way in a nilla setting. 

I have my own stance on this which I will hold back for a bit to get some feedback from you all.
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 12:02:35 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Nope.  When meeting someone from the scene in a non-scene environment, the best thing to do is smile, and give a little wave.  If they respond positively, you can go over to them and talk socially about appropriate topics.  If they respond negatively, you go on about your day as if nothing happened.  We've all thought we saw someone in a crowd and recognized them, only to realize it's a total stranger.

Now, if you ever get to an asshole who doesn't know the social dance or talks about inappropriate thing, the best thing is to act completely confused and as if this other person must be on some very odd drugs and move along.

I've got lots of practice at coming out and swerving around vanillas.  My partner and I spent the weekend with another kinky couple and we went out to dinner with some of their family and friends and at one point was asked how we met.  My partner and the other couple did a mental freeze and tried to sidestep the question.  I simply chirped up that since we were new to the area we had been trying to meet people around and met on an online forum.  Conversation progressed from there onto other things.  My partner and the couple were much relieved and impressed.

Practice does make perfect in this instance, and you should do a few mental practice sessions to at least have a few good half-truths to say to people in your bag when the moment arises.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 12:08:51 PM   
Kalira


Posts: 954
Joined: 10/9/2006
From: Fort Wayne Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Do you worry about being outed if you run into someone you know from the bdsm world and they dare to talk to you in your nilla life?

Currently I have a thread running on my list about whether it is dangerous for someone you know in the BDSM realm to acknowlege you in some way in a nilla setting. 

I have my own stance on this which I will hold back for a bit to get some feedback from you all.
Kyst

NOt one bit. I care very little for how others view me in any given situation; the only exception being Master, family and friends ( and since they all know me inside and out, It matters little about what they may or may not say in the presence of others )


_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 12:23:33 PM   
sweetnurseBBW


Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline 		Nope. I met a pharmacist I work with at a munch once. Turns out he is a CD. We just smile at each other and move on.

< Message edited by sweetnurseBBW -- 11/13/2006 12:25:35 PM >

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Sir Pain's pain slut

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 12:38:35 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		It doesnt bother me to much in the fact that I would hope that others have the same tact and intelagence I do to know when it is and isnt apropriate to talk about BDSM and such. Just because you knwo someone from the BDSM world doesnt mean thats all there is to talk about if you see them out of context!!!

Magik's slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 12:40:41 PM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		It has happen to me a few times and does not bother me at all. For the most part they are in the same situation that you are in and will be just as cautious and respectful as you would be to them. Sure I am guessing there will be people who lack the proper tact but that is going to be the big exception to the rule and I choose not to live life by the exceptions.




_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 1:30:44 PM   
fergus


Posts: 1110
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		I HADN'T worried about it until ...

An aquaintenace who is in the lifestyle 'outted' me to a mutual vanilla friend.  It was quite embarassing and the resulting loss of trust has caused me to take down my pictures.  *sigh* that makes it a little more difficult to try to meet people.

Some people live openly in the lifestyle, and others do not.  I don't think there is a problem one way or antoher ... but what REALLY bothered me was that choice was taken from me by someone WITHIN the BDSM community!  I would've thought they would've known that that was a very 'uncool' thing to do.

When I tried to explain why I was so upset over it, they responded with "hey, I SAID I was sorry!"  As if that would somehow make amends in the immediacy of my hurt feelings.

Then, a few days later, I had gotten a communication from this person saying that they were in BIG trouble with their dominant and that the dominant had instructed them not to address me on the subject at all.

This bothered me for several reasons.  1) by including yet another person, it felt like another invasion of my privacy (albeit less so, considering it was AT LEAST someone IN the lifestyle!).  2) The dominant was now making decisions about what was the best way to handle it instead of this person either working it out with me, or even AT LEAST ASKING what I thought would be a good solution.  3) The person did not wish to own up to any sort of responsibility over the situation, nor offer anything to make amends.  And lastly ... and this one is an ironic twist in my mind ... They had the benfit of participating in their own BDSM relationship through whatever 'punishment' their dominant had imposed, while I had another obstacle put before me to even FIND a BDSM relationship.

Needless to say, I was quite shaken over the experience ... and stayed away from CM for some time.

fergus

(in reply to toservez)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 3:49:25 PM   
medievalwench


Posts: 249
Joined: 10/31/2006
Status: offline 		i noticed an aquaintance's profile on here a couple of days ago, as we had mentioned the lifestyle once vaguely in conversation i just sent him a message saying 'hi'. i expect next time i see him in RL we'll have more to chat about :0)

(in reply to fergus)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 5:24:44 PM   
tade


Posts: 663
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Tampa Bay, Florida
Status: offline 		I wouldn't say "worry" exactly, but we are aware of the fact that we have to be discreet because of our jobs. That's why we don't have pictures up on our profile or anything that has to do with our "lifestyle". But the way we normally look at it is if we run into you at a party or other event, then you have nothing room to talk. Can imagine it would piss me off a great deal to have someone blathering on in a situation where discretion would be advised, but the chances of us actually knowing anyone like that more than just in passing are pretty low.

_____________________________

I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson

It's a magical world Hobbes 'ole buddy. Let's go explorin'~ Calvin

(in reply to medievalwench)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 5:37:12 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		My views on this are a tad different.  I think most people in the world have met, run into, encountered and just plain forgotten people along the road of life. 

Unless someone BDSM'y is coming up in fetishwear or greeting me with a; "Hey girl, how are those nipple rings healing after that infection?", I don't see how anyone would know they are Kinked.

Does anyone who is NOT us, wear a sign on their forehead proclaiming our proclivities?  How the heck is anyone going to peg them as <<GASP>> Perverted?

Over my lifetime I have met and forgotten many people.  Should someone come up to me and give me a standard greeting (not many I know would greet me discussing kink), then I would greet them back.   Being my regular polite self.

Ok.. let's say I have someone with me.  First of all, it would be extremely pushy of them to demand where I met said stranger.  But if they did want to know how I know a balding tatooed guy in a leather vest, it would be easy enough to come up with a response.

"Where did you meet that guy?"

1.  Beats me, don't you hate it when someone remembers you but you don't have a clue who they are?"

2.  He is a friend of _____ from my office.

3.  We went to the same school, shared a class, ect.

I mean, WHy do some people feel the need to explain themselves about an issue that is really not someone elses business?  I would more likely say, He is just some guy, then use the lines above but they would work when pressed.

do we really think that the nilla world is full of people who NEVER encountered someone who does not lead their life like Beaver Cleaver?

Kyst



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 5:45:04 PM   
nikaa


Posts: 357
Joined: 10/13/2004
Status: offline 		Missokyst,
 
When I started teaching again I debated on weather I should pull my pictures from CollarMe. It was something I thought long and hard about.
 
In the end I decided that IF a parent or co-worker is on CollarMe and comes across my picuture and profile I doubt they would be in any position to judge me for being here. 

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Blessed Be,

Phoenix's Nika


The Cherokee legacy is that we are a people who face adversity, survive, adapt, prosper and excel.


Wakan Tankan Nici Un




(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:15:31 PM   
sophia37


Posts: 1433
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		    I guess I'll go on the premise of your threads title. Running into people in the nilla world. So you're asking what happens if you see someone you know in the drugstore? I dont know. If its not a close friend, its an aquaintance. Whats the usual? Hi how are you? I dont see the problem.

If I saw people who I knew from some offbeat social event, well maybe we'd talk. And so? Whos listening? Ive grown beyond the point where I think strangers give a damn about me or my conversations.  I

If I was with a friend well, I'd just wing it. We all give off signals. I doubt my girlfriend would see my husband walking up to us and continue our conversation about my secret lover.

(in reply to nikaa)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:24:22 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Pictures are a big step above a random meeting from a fellow BDSM'r.  I choose not to have my image up anywhere I might be uncomfortable, if seen.
With a picture I would be taking a chance that someone who was clueless and indiscreet might unwittingly out me, and I would have no idea how they found me. 

At least in a person to person meeting you can get an idea on their character.  I have met people over the years who I would not trust keep their mouth shut.  If I see them, I avoid them.  When I cannot avoid them I am fairly clear about my time being short and not being able to chat.  Only the most dense person wouldnt be able to get that clue.  And I can make an escape quicker than they can find their way around it.

I do believe in being cautious.  I just think that some people worry beyond what is warrented.   The world does not revolve around me.  Nor are they so special that the world would needs to know every last person they might talk with.

Cautious is good.  But I don't ever want to be in a cage of my own making.
Kyst 



_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to nikaa)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:33:06 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		I frankly don't get it at all.............

I rarely walk up to people I recognize on the street (and the contrapositive is also true) and say, lookie here, I see you been doing some fucking, you got some kids with you.that one there with the conehead you musta been doing in your Veitmanese Spin Fuck Chair days.............

Even the Women in LA walking down the street in full fetish gear  jerking on a dog leash with a man in diapers trailing the business end rarely say more than, Hey! How ya doing, I ain't seen you in a while.............

If you can't afford to be in, get out.  Marv Albert was still alive after, went thru some shit,  and the biggest problem he has to deal with is that everybody  now knows he wears a toupee,  because  he blended...............

LOL,
Ron
(it's all pretty much in your mind)


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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:37:13 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

Do you worry about being outed if you run into someone you know from the bdsm world and they dare to talk to you in your nilla life?






So you run into someone you know in the lifestyle at the grocery store...and have a fear they are going to tell the meat manager you are kinky?  What is to stop you from turning around and telling the meat manager that they are also kinky and that is how they know you are?

Really, not an intelligent question at all.  If someone knows you and have something to risk...why would they tell anything to anybody?

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:45:18 PM   
gooddogbenji


Posts: 5094
Joined: 11/15/2005
From: Toronto
Status: offline 		Then again, many people are out, and forget that others are not....

I had a situation, I met someone on here, we agreed to meet at a munch, got along well, then went out for drinks a few weeks later.

She brought a crop.

I walked by as if I didn't know her and went home.  We haven't spoken since.

Yours,


benji

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 6:50:25 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		As you should have benji, at least in my opinion.  The lifestyle is consentual and someone bringing a crop into the open is a non consentual scene for everyone around.

Apparently that person has a lot to learn.

(in reply to gooddogbenji)
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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 7:24:41 PM   
subjected2006


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/20/2006
Status: offline 		I have been recognized in town before.
Only once has someone done something stupid and that was just to say my ad name..
I had no idea who he was ,but knew right away they were from collarme because it's the only place I use this name.For a few horrible moments I thought they were going to follow me but they didn't.
(apparently he was not totaly mesmerized by my beauty...)
grins...



< Message edited by subjected2006 -- 11/13/2006 7:27:26 PM >

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a rose is a rose..

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RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 7:57:22 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sub4hire

As you should have benji, at least in my opinion.  The lifestyle is consentual and someone bringing a crop into the open is a non consentual scene for everyone around.

Apparently that person has a lot to learn.

I completely disagree that bringing a crop into a social space is nonconsensually involving people in a scene...but that's a huge gray area which has more than enough threads for itself already.

But I completely agree that it was fine for Benji to decide he didn't want to socialize with her anymore, though I would have thought calling her after leaving and explaining why would be polite.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to sub4hire)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: running into people in the nilla world - 11/13/2006 8:08:18 PM   
Phoenix2raven


Posts: 347
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline 		Well it depends on who we are with. Generaly speaking I wouldnt want my family to know any thing about our lifestyle. But on the other hand I have been outed twice both were in very uncomfortable circumsstances. If those friends/coworkers etc hadnt responded so negatively I wouldnt have minded but they did. For me It comes down to dont ask dont tell if your not sure. I make that very clear to those who may be clueless. I also need to say I worked in a profesional capacity and it did ruin my standing at work and some of my friendships as well. As for the rest of it I just think that if any of my nilla friends find out and cant accept me for who I am or aren't willing to listen and keep an open mind then they aren't real friends anyway. A true friend accepts me as I am, challenges me to grow and supports me in the process.

(in reply to subjected2006)
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