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Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 1:16:53 PM   
mrmann825


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		So, I just joined on here the other day.  My last relationship naturally evolved to a sub/dom relationship, with me being the dom.  I "realized" that being a dom is where I need to be.  But I guess my question is this...how do you learn to be a good DOm when you are supposed to be the dom??  Or in other words, are there expert/experienced Doms out there that can give advice on becoming a better, more experienced one??  I know what I know from the previous relationship that I was in...I had no advice or teachings or anything.  Any advice or help from other doms would be GREATLY appreciated, and I'm soooo excited to be part of this community!!  Thanks.

Mr. Mann
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 1:20:27 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Everything that already makes you a good partner and adult is what will make you a good dom.  Everything you need to learn how to be a good dom in your relationship, you can and will have to learn from your partner.

Of course, finding other people to hang with locally to have friends and a support group is advisable and can be very helpful as well (if they are actually supportive and not just psycho drama freaks).

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to mrmann825)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 1:28:58 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		well first off welcome...this is a really fun place to be both on line and in life.
 
i think the sort of Dom you become has alot to do with what sort of man you are.
 
Nothing magically changes.
 
A good Dom IMO is has developed his own sense of character, he is honest, forthright, easy going, has a keen eye for detail, sees his role as a contribution he offers to the relationship and not a birth right, likes to continually educate himself, enjoys order, and has a sense of humor.
 
as i said IMO so your mileage may vary, but i really think the more energy you put into being the best person you can be and developing good strong relationship skills:
 
communication
authenticity
intimacy
integrity
commitment
honor
 
 the better a dom you naturally will become....
 
however there is a long standing practice of mentoring in this community, find a person whose relationship you admire and who has the skill set you desire and formally or not so formally ask him.

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to mrmann825)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 1:44:20 PM   
Dacryphiliac


Posts: 2
Joined: 8/12/2006
Status: offline 		My two cents for what it is worth. You are already doing what you need to do. You are listening to yourself and understanding that you are not the all knowing dominant. Speaking with others, both top and bottom is a learning experieince. It is like anything else you do in life, you take what you can use from each experience and conversation and use it to your mutual advantage or disregard it at so much trash.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 3:06:40 PM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		The best advice that I can give to any new dominant is to get involved with your local groups, ask questions, go to workshops whenever they are available, read everything you can get your hands on and practice, practice, practice.  Through your involvement, you may be able to find a mentor who is willing to teach you various philosophies and techniques.

At APEX, there was usually a time set aside every other week for dominants to get together and discuss issues.  It was kinda like a sewing circle for Sadists.  There is a lot that can be learned from just talking with people and hearing about their experiences and how they chose to deal with them.  Just always keep in mind that your relationship is yours.  No one can tell you how you should live within your relationship and you will find things that work for you...and things that don't.  Pick and choose the little tidbits of information you receive from all of these sources and apply them as you see fit.

Good luck..

~Thorns

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to mrmann825)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 3:40:56 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline 		If you're asking about how to develop your SM skills, getting out into the community is best. Watch and ask, then practice, then try. Here's some organizations in your state.
http://www.domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=MARYLAND&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

If you're asking about how to develop your relationship skills, read self help kinky books like "Ties that Bind" and "Loving Dominant".

If you're asking about how to better define who you are or your role, attend events such as Southwest Leather Conference, South Plains Leatherfest, Together in Leather and Master/slave Conference.

If you're asking about how to develop yourself as a person, learn to live with integrity...master the small things in your life and then you'll be able to master larger things, including another person.

Master Fire


_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to mrmann825)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 8:39:40 PM   
mrmann825


Posts: 2
Joined: 11/8/2006
Status: offline 		Everyone, thanks so much for your thoughtful responses and recommendations.  It was a hard question for me to express and I think you guys covered it!!  I'm glad to be here and can't wait to keep growing to be a great dom.  Thanks again!!

Mann

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/9/2006 9:35:32 PM   
solia


Posts: 115
Joined: 8/1/2004
Status: offline 		What if there are NO groups within hours of where you live?  What then?  There's only so much a person can do to herself ....  

(Yes, I am looking to move.  Just want that job first...and then I have to patch that hole in the wall where I've been banging my head)

(in reply to MrThorns)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 4:20:14 AM   
janedoedoe


Posts: 26
Joined: 9/6/2006
Status: offline 		I have learned that there are indeed skills which can be integrated into a person's character traits in order to help him/her function more effectively as a dominant. This behavior modification is rather subtle and very specific. There would be so many fine points upon which to focus and discipline yourself in response to in striving to become a highly competent dominant. This is not to say that genuine preference to dominate/natural dominant qualities can be fabricated artificially. It is just to emphasize that even dominant personalities can be refined.
 
(I may be able to enlighten you; please message me with more detailed information.)

(in reply to mrmann825)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 4:43:49 AM   
SirLordTrainer


Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline 		You can ask 10 different people and get 10 different opinions on this. And I have to agree for the most part, with what Ive read from others here.

Adding only to think in terms of bettering your knowledge and skills. Yes skills, take in some workshops. You can find them thru your local munch groups. Workshops on M/s relationships, rope bondage, whips, you name it. Whatever interests you have, learn to be understanding and proficient in them. My 2 cents ..

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to mrmann825)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 5:05:47 AM   
Jasmyn


Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline 		I agree

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.


Visit My Website


(in reply to janedoedoe)
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RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 6:03:03 AM   
MrThorns


Posts: 919
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: solia

What if there are NO groups within hours of where you live?  What then?  There's only so much a person can do to herself ....  

(Yes, I am looking to move.  Just want that job first...and then I have to patch that hole in the wall where I've been banging my head)


Create one.  Put out fliers for a munch, post them in leather shops, adult toy stores, and other places where you may capture the interest of like minded people.  Sure, you will have some people show up who are just looking for sex and have no interest in BDSM... and it will take some time to sift through and find those who are seriously interested. 

Good luck with the job and the move...

~Thorns

(Edited to add:  I've been to Grand Junction...so I understand your dilemma.  You may have to travel a bit.)

< Message edited by MrThorns -- 11/10/2006 6:05:17 AM >

_____________________________

~"Do you know what the chain of command is? Its the chain I beat ya with when ya don't follow my command."

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

(in reply to solia)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 12:12:47 PM   
Wyrd


Posts: 109
Joined: 1/1/2004
From: Columbia, SC
Status: offline 		There are almost always groups around, they may not be a perfect fit, but they are there, even around hwere I am there are groups, many groups, and this is the core of the bible belt here.

I know there are a number of Goreans near where you are solia.

(in reply to solia)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 3:50:48 PM   
DOM33416


Posts: 61
Joined: 7/12/2006
Status: offline 		You can read books , check informational websites and watch videos to find areas that are of interest to both of you and then explore them. Enjoy your journey.

_____________________________

"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count."

(in reply to Wyrd)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 5:45:50 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Is there a reason you wouldnt be open to a Slave or sub teaching you. It is possable they have something to teach aspecially if you are new!!!!

Why is it some people think Doms can teach subs how to be subs but that subs cant teachs Doms how to be Doms??? it works both ways

Magik's insulted slave

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



(in reply to DOM33416)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 5:51:47 PM   
LordVelvet


Posts: 311
Joined: 4/25/2006
Status: offline 		I would agree to say i have learned as much from slaves as I have other Dom's

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 6:26:43 PM   
darksdesire


Posts: 326
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline 		communication is number one i think.  imo, a Dom needs to take the leadership role in fostering the tightest communication possible.  What i mean by that is making it possible to discuss everything and anything, no matter how sensitive or difficult or silly or painful.  If as a Dom, you can create an  envirnoment of emotional safety that facilitates that sort of communication, you're off to a great start.  Of course you'll need a cooperative sub who follows your lead, but that shouldn't be too difficult.  Anyway, i see that as the most important skill, but that's from a submissive's viewpoint.    

(in reply to LordVelvet)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 11:46:56 PM   
Masterchanger2


Posts: 1
Joined: 11/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave

Is there a reason you wouldnt be open to a Slave or sub teaching you. It is possable they have something to teach aspecially if you are new!!!!

Why is it some people think Doms can teach subs how to be subs but that subs cant teachs Doms how to be Doms??? it works both ways

Magik's insulted slave


That sounds like a good idea, but how would a new Dom go about finding such a slave willing to teach a new Dom?

(in reply to MagiksSlave)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/10/2006 11:53:48 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Most of the new Dom/mes I know have learned what they needed from the partners at th etime.  A few have contacts online they could ask questions of. I have been "helping" friends in that arena for years. When they meet someone new, they as me what I would think of a certain scene, or a certain act.   How they could handle something or with help communicating wants and needs clearly. Being the dominant is already in you, sometiems you might need a hand expressing it. 

DV

Feel free to PM me on the other side, why not add someone to the list of resources.

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Masterchanger2)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Dom lessons? - 11/11/2006 2:28:52 AM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Welcome - and you've already had some excellent answers. It really does depend on what aspect of your Domliness needs working on as to how you can go about it. Relationshipwise, yes you can learn a lot from your sub when/if you have one (and others you may get to talk to), and from other Dom/mes and switches. Getting out to groups is a great way to work on skills, learn protocols and safety aspects, as well as to make friends who can offer a listening ear when needed. And there is usually plenty of advice available here on the boards (as well as the occasional flame). Like all such sources, listen, think, sift, keep what seems applicable to you! Most important, while remembering that assuming the mantle of control is an awesome responsibility, and I live by the rule that to be in control of someone else, I must first be in control of Myself ... also don't forget to have fun!

Regards
Maam Jay

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to mrmann825)
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