Sharing the duties

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Sharing the duties

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sharing the duties

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 1:31:37 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadySeraphina
The thing is that often a sub is simply upset that they have disappointed their Dominant, which they are more readily able to complain about, or to ask for advice on. I personally have had to battle the urge to 'do it alone' when there is a problem, because a Dominant is 'supposed' to be able to work everything out themselves. That's the trouble with being on a pedestal, it hurts so much when you fall.
JMO.
Lady S

Now this quote made an impact in myself because this is also something I see alot off.

It is something that can be both a Dominant and subs fault. A subs fault as they could want the Dominant to make all the decision's and the Dominant's fault as they want to make all the decisions.

In this day and age it is foolish to think one partner can make all the decisions. With both people working, and other commitments both parties need a say.

As LadyS and many others have implied subs expect the Dominant to know everything. Which is false. Also the Dominants need to give control to subs ( case by case basis ) as some subs are excellent with financial situations and other things. In these cases the Dominant needs to put full trust in the sub and let them make all the decisions.

Which will be hard for some Dominants to do but its a must. As alot of Dominants complain about all the pressure of making decisions well its easily solved. If your sub is not wanting to make any decisions then maybe their not the sub for you.

Btw I do give respect to certain dommes on these boards. The people I respect for their comments and intelligence. I can see LadyS being off intelligence and I respect her.

< Message edited by imtempting -- 10/29/2006 1:32:32 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 3:13:56 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

It's simple really.

The sub is Yours to use. The sub brings various skills with them into the dynamic, the relationship, whatever.

Those skills are therefore there for You to use as You see fit.

As a Dominant, I have no problem allowing my girl to exercise her professional and personal skills, even when they outstrip mine. It's a joy to be the Owner of such an intelligent slave.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 2

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 3:32:20 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

I suppose the saying that springs to mind is 'why have a dog and bark yourself' but what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 3

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 3:37:41 AM

slavejali

Posts: 2918
Status: offline

I think its the dominant partners role to make all the decisions. I agree with what meatcleaver said pretty much. However, that doesnt mean the dominant partner can't ask for feedback/contirbiutions or whatever from their submissive/slave within the decision making process.

Part of the reason we are in these type of relationships is that we enjoy very defined roles.

< Message edited by slavejali -- 10/29/2006 3:39:38 AM >

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 4

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 3:41:10 AM

imtempting

Posts: 1280
Joined: 2/11/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I suppose the saying that springs to mind is 'why have a dog and bark yourself' but what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

Well then no dom should be on the boards complaining how hard it is to be a dom if their not wise enough to use the subs skills.

Fitznicely is wise. He understands he does not know everything and this his sub might be more intelligent then he ison certian circumstances and he lets her make decisions on those circumstances. I just read his profile and he is basing his play around Gor so if a Gorean can let his sub make decisions why can't the rest of the people?

< Message edited by imtempting -- 10/29/2006 3:43:15 AM >

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 5

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 4:35:57 AM

MissyRane

Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline

Personally I wouldn't expect a dominant to take all decisions..but then that's just me. People don't get tired of having to take all the decisions 24/7/365?? I think I would..it would be like standing next to a brainless person

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 6

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 4:39:44 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I suppose the saying that springs to mind is 'why have a dog and bark yourself' but what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

This is complete horse shit.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 7

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 4:41:53 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Cue a million replies explaining exactly WHY I can't call myself Gorean

From my reading of the books, Goreans place a higher value on well trained, intelligent slaves. Who am I to argue?

Now, in the case of non-Gorean Doms and whatever (tsk, labels), I'd be of the opinion that a Dom who thinks they always know best, always get it right and are capable of making all the decisions have an overabundence of ego and a distinct lack of reality awareness.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 8

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 5:25:11 AM

mnottertail

Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline

Life is full of choices for all......... Like the boss who is as your place of work, who commonly is spoken of having total control of the department or whatever, is really rather rarely involved in most decisions regarding anything of other than usual nature.........

So it kinda is with Ms relations, I think....
Imagine the situation:

You recieve a phonecall at work from your slave:

Master, it is with great fear and trepidation, that it calls You, knowing that you have majestically and decisively ordered it to not place telephone calls to You at your glorious and sacred place of employment.... And it is cognizant of the fact that You have right and responsibility to punish it in any Masterful way that You desire, and slave will accept and recieve sacred learning at the physical tortures that You devise as learning and reinforcement of Your principles, and slave understands that she is sorely lacking in her control and her ineptitude and lack of focus has not began to reach the level of the shining jewel as set forth in the slave contract signed by You on October 17, of 1981, paragrah 3 subsection double naught, but by way of mitigation of punishment, and certainly Master, not an excuse, but by more of a way of explaination:
'The Fuckin' House is on Fire!!!! What shall I do?

Now, don't each and every one of you see a nonconsenting snuff in somebodys future?

Curiously,
Ron

< Message edited by mnottertail -- 10/29/2006 5:32:51 AM >

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 9

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 5:28:31 AM

meatcleaver

Posts: 9030
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I suppose the saying that springs to mind is 'why have a dog and bark yourself' but what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

This is complete horse shit.

I find it remarkable how people claim D/s to be different and then appear to completely support traditional vanilla relationships. That to me is complete horse shit. Unless they consider D/s to be vanilla with kink but then most vanilla relationships have kink in my experience.

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 10

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 5:34:54 AM

KnightofMists

Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver

I suppose the saying that springs to mind is 'why have a dog and bark yourself' but what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

This is complete horse shit.

I find it remarkable how people claim D/s to be different and then appear to completely support traditional vanilla relationships. That to me is complete horse shit. Unless they consider D/s to be vanilla with kink but then most vanilla relationships have kink in my experience.

considering... I don't make a distinction... in fact... I would say that any intimate adult relationship has some sort of power arrangement...which would therefore equate to all relationships being D/s in to some degree. be it formal recognized or not.

of course.. there are those that want to make distinct Vanilla group and then the distinct Lifestylers.. this in it self is generally horseshit

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 11

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 6:05:28 AM

ImpGrrl

Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: meatcleaver
what is the point of being a dom if you are going to delegate responsibility to your sub, surely you might as well be a sub and seek a dom that is capable of making decisions?

A d-type does not take "power" or "control" or "decision-making" from their s-type. They receive *authority* over these things.

The final decision is theirs - Veto power. All others can be delegated.

(in reply to meatcleaver)

Post #: 12

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 6:07:34 AM

ATwstdMind

Posts: 5
Joined: 8/20/2006
Status: offline

I have not been reading these posts for long, but there are clearly themes that emerge. The one that I find humorous is the notion that a relationship is Dom/sub only if it fits some preconceived set of standards. Then, of course, we have the never ending conversations that sound like the set up for a stand up comedy routine .... You will know it is a 'real' Dom/sub relationship if ....

(in reply to KnightofMists)

Post #: 13

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 7:13:24 AM

adaddysgirl

Posts: 1093
Joined: 3/2/2004
From: Syracuse, NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: imtempting

Now this quote made an impact in myself because this is also something I see alot off.

It is something that can be both a Dominant and subs fault. A subs fault as they could want the Dominant to make all the decision's and the Dominant's fault as they want to make all the decisions.

Whose fault? Many doms do want this....as well as many subs. That was most likely the arrangment they agreed to at the onset.

In this day and age it is foolish to think one partner can make all the decisions. With both people working, and other commitments both parties need a say.

As LadyS and many others have implied subs expect the Dominant to know everything. Which is false. Also the Dominants need to give control to subs ( case by case basis ) as some subs are excellent with financial situations and other things. In these cases the Dominant needs to put full trust in the sub and let them make all the decisions.

i'd like to think that my partner would make all the FINAL decisions....whatever they may be. Perhaps he would ask for input...perhaps not. If my partner were to think that i was the more capable at finances, so be it....but he may also add that although i have free judgment to pay bills and buy household necessities, it would still be his final decsision if i say wanted to buy a car...or make some other large or unusual purchase. Otherwise, i can just come in and state 'i have decided to buy a car today....that is my decision'. Unless the dom allows this kind of latitude, i would doubt this would fly.

If i were that free to make my own decisions, i might as well go back to vanilla where it was at least a 50-50 arrangement....or i made most of the decisions...as it had been for me. Not looking for that though.

Which will be hard for some Dominants to do but its a must. As alot of Dominants complain about all the pressure of making decisions well its easily solved. If your sub is not wanting to make any decisions then maybe their not the sub for you.

It's a must, im? For who? You? i have rarely (if ever) heard a dom complain that he has to make all the decisions. If he feels that way, it is certainly his decision to give the sub more freedom in areas he feels she is adept at.

One of the allures of the D/s lifestyle for a sub is that her dom can and will take charge and control....and will make decisions for the both of them. Again, he may decide to allow the sub to make some decisions on her own.....but that will ultimately be his decision.....not hers.

DG

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 14

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 7:26:00 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

adaddysgirl speaks a lot of sense. Indeed, that's pretty much how our relationship works.

My girl has control over her professional life and I won't interfere, but I don't feel that I've relinquished control because it's what I decided.

I allow my girl certain freedoms of movement and expression. We both know, though, that it's because I allow it.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to adaddysgirl)

Post #: 15

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 7:30:24 AM

Aine

Posts: 820
Joined: 4/12/2005
Status: offline

It's funny to see how many people agree with you when they're wording it as though they were disagreeing with you.

_____________________________

Honey, you obviously missed the "want to be used as a toilet fetish" thread or "where do I get instructions on setting my sub on fire" thread. LOL

Thank you, DelRay for that one.

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 16

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 7:47:30 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

Most of the posts here are agreeing with the sentiment of the OP.

Meatcleaver, however, posited a different POV.

I'm sure there are Doms out there who want automata as subs. Good luck to 'em. Not my thing.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to Aine)

Post #: 17

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 8:34:26 AM

Jasmyn

Posts: 1234
Joined: 2/6/2004
From: New Zealand
Status: offline

quote:

In this day and age it is foolish to think one partner can make all the decisions.

You do understand one partner making all the decisions pretty much sums up what domination is about? Someone who signs off on major decisions, the one, like adaddysgirl said in her post, the final decision maker ... she doesn't want to have to make those decisions ...she might not necessary like the decision ...but submission is surrendering to another's authority ... though it's not uncommon for subs to be stubborn about accepting this... go figure ;)

quote:

With both people working, and other commitments both parties need a say.

Having a say and making a final decision on something are two different things.

< Message edited by Jasmyn -- 10/29/2006 8:35:10 AM >

_____________________________

quote:

"To learn the art of submission a slave must first give up the desires that drew him to submission in the first place." Mistress Jasmyn Jan 2005.

Visit My Website

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 18

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 8:46:30 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Maybe we handle it differently because I'm not just "the dominant" in my household, I'm the owner. Being an owner gives me lots of authority and power but it also gives me a much wider range of activities (in my opinion).

I can choose to micromanage Fox or not (I don't).

I can choose to exercise my authority over certain things or not.

He is my slave, my property, and I decide what to do with him when it is important to me to do so. The rest of the time, he makes his own decisions and lives his own life just like any slave in any time period would do.

There are times when he knows more than me on a particular subject and I'd be stupid owner if I didn't listen to him and didn't ask his advice. I would also be a stupid owner if I didn't realize that we aren't living in the antebellum south and he can walk out that door whenever he really wants, therefore I am wise when I ask his opinion on lots of things and consider his needs and desires.

Fox would be a stupid and unrealistic slave if he didn't realize that I'm just a human being, similar to him in many ways. He doesn't expect me to make all the decisions about everything, he doesn't expect me to be perfect, and he certainly doesn't expect me to take 100% responsibility for our dynamic.

He does respect my decisions when I make them and abide by them because that is one of the foundations our own dynamic.

I think both doms and subs who don't realize that both of them are just human beings really set themselves up for repeated failure and incredible stress. I just can't imagine why anyone would want to live like that.

I think that was very rambling of me so back to more rationally structured comments.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 19

RE: Sharing the duties - 10/29/2006 8:52:00 AM

SirLordTrainer

Posts: 820
Joined: 5/6/2004
From: Indy
Status: offline

If My girl is more experienced in a particular field, I find it only common sense to let her run with it. In fact, I welcome her opinions and/or decisions on most things, albeit I always have final say. Unless, of course its related to her family or health. And if shes ill, she is naturally excused from her daily tasks. Hell, Im not above cleaning or washin dishes if shes sick.

_____________________________

Accepting one's own imperfections eliminates a roadblock to progress.

(in reply to imtempting)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Sharing the duties

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094