Its not always the subs fault

Its not always the subs fault (Full Version)

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imtempting -> Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:29:16 AM)
Now I was going to write this in another thread but with all the outcrys of late of me according to people hijacking threads ( although I say one thing on topic and it goes away from topic from people saying stuff to me ) I thought id create a new one. I've seen this lots on these boards aswell as others that a sub ( male or female ) will usaully say 'I did this or I did that' now my dom or domme is upset with me. Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. You should ask him this or that. etc etc This thinking is rather foolish as its not always the submissive's fault. Reading these boards you would think a sub makes 99% of the problems in a relationship. It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. This thinking should end.

LadySeraphina -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:36:03 AM)
Agreed, with a caveat. A D/s relationship is no different in that respect than a marriage. If either partner is not happy, and it cannot be resolved, then it is only sensible to terminate the relationship. The thing is that often a sub is simply upset that they have disappointed their Dominant, which they are more readily able to complain about, or to ask for advice on. I personally have had to battle the urge to 'do it alone' when there is a problem, because a Dominant is 'supposed' to be able to work everything out themselves. That's the trouble with being on a pedestal, it hurts so much when you fall. JMO. Lady S

SlaveAkasha -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:38:18 AM)
It is about consent and either party can leave, I agree with you on that. I have never figured out why a Dom can just say "it's over" and it is, and the sub/slave had to ask for release. I suppose it just has to do with formality. If I didn't want to be with Master, I would ask him to release me, but if he said no, I could still leave. Things that happen, can usually be blamed equally on either party. I think what gets me is sub/slaves coming on and after agreeing to things a certain way, bitching when He/She wants it done that way. I have seen plenty blame the Dom, and plenty blame the sub/slave. I hope that people read what is written, and judge each one based on facts given...in the end though, that is all anyone can do, since they don't know both sides, and aren't involved. Kasha

LadySeraphina -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:46:17 AM)
Oh, who really cares what others say? It's your relationship, and ultimately you only need to care about yourself and your partner(s). Bah, ignore me. I'm oversimplifying it - we end up investing ourselves in other's opinions on these boards, so they can be more influential than we'd like to think.

kc692 -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:50:09 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting Now I was going to write this in another thread but with all the outcrys of late of me according to people hijacking threads ( although I say one thing on topic and it goes away from topic from people saying stuff to me ) I thought id create a new one. I've seen this lots on these boards aswell as others that a sub ( male or female ) will usaully say 'I did this or I did that' now my dom or domme is upset with me. Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. You should ask him this or that. etc etc This thinking is rather foolish as its not always the submissive's fault. Reading these boards you would think a sub makes 99% of the problems in a relationship. It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. This thinking should end. Wow, you are truly trying to raise the roof the last 24 hours imtempting. I don't know whether "everyone" immediately sides with the dominant or not. I will tell you though your opinion and definition of a collar is definitely different than mine. "Collar" is a word just like "contract" is a word. When my girl asked for my collar and I gave it, I assure you it was not an item she was given. What she WAS given was a commitment from me, and she gave one back. I do not make commitments lightly. I would not "dump her in a second." She is as collared as they come, and will not have an actual collar to wear physically until Christmas. She wears it mentally though as sure as she breathes. On a side note, if there is no communication between us, and she does not know what she needs to do to please me, I am at fault also if she does something that is not to the best of her ability. Will we both err at times? Of course, we are human. Is she free to leave? Of course. Will she? I hope not. I msut be reading the wrong boards, I do not see the instances you are speaking of. If you will give us specifics instead of generalities, then mayhaps an intellectual discourse may occur.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:53:46 AM)
Not sure who you mean here. My Master would not dump me in a second. He works hard to try to preserve what we have, as do I. The Master owns and guides the relationship. If the sub/slave doesn't follow instructions, things go awry and together they work to fix it.. If the Master screws up, he fixes it. In both cases, no one in a seriously committed relationship is just going to walk away when things get rough. If so, they weren't very committed.

MaamJay -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:58:05 AM)
Well, when some Dominants collar their sub/slaves, there IS a written contract negotiated and drawn up between them. While it may not be enforceable in a court of law, it is intended as a binding agreement between them. A contract should contain a clause regarding potential ending of the relationship and how that should be accomplished. For Me, such a contract is so important that neither side should be prepared to simply say "It's over" without trying to renegotiate and heal the rift. However, it may get to the point where it is indeed over (as is the case between My soon-to-be-ex-hubby and Myself) and the best that is to be hoped for in that case is an amicable parting. My sub side is also collared to Master ... and again, neither of U/us could or would simply say "It's over" without a HUGE amount of soul-searching, discussion and exploring every avenue. But it does depend on BOTH partners being willing to make genuine attempts to heal the relationship, one cannot do it alone. And if one chooses to not follow the contract in the manner of release, there is very little the other can do, beyond grin and bear it! MaamJay aka violet[A]

imtempting -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:59:58 AM)
I will get you some examples when I return later tonight. I am not trying to raise the roof. Just clear the path for alot of people. There are lots of people out there that their defination of a collar wil be vastly different to you. These are the same ones that disrespect their subs and it is those subs this is pointed at. Oh don't worry. I got some more threads planned. It should actually make you happy the other threads. It will actually help you for the time being. Since im attracting so much attention at the moment I can help get things in the air and openly discussed about.

velvetnleather -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 1:12:54 AM)
I could not agree more with you, subs/slaves do always get the blame i know of one sub who's Master had played away with another sub even though in their agreement it was awalays to be a one to one, so hurt was this sub she gave a lot of mouth the Master went and punished her for it ....he said she was his and should not speak out about it .........I say why not she had been a good sub till they i also say the so called Master was a fool to hurt all that he said he love he lost.

LadySeraphina -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 1:18:51 AM)
velvet, That's a rotten situation, and you're right - when you make an agreement or an arrangement, it should be adhered to. It is not the right of either party to change it without discussion. We are all People in the situation, and the roles we play don't make us any less important in the relationship. Just because I am a Goddess, and Practically Perfect in Every Way (if you buy that, you may want to look up the word 'gullible') doesn't mean that I can run roughshod over the people who look to me. In fact, as a Domme I feel it is my duty to care for my subs and nurture them, and never to do them true harm, including the emotional variety. (But SHHH, don't tell anyone, okay? My reputation is at risk...)

corsetgirl -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 1:35:43 AM)
Imtempting: I think you have created a thought-provoking thread in dealing with the way some subs are treated by their masters. You are very accurate because in some threads, there are many subs who blame themselves for upsetting their doms. I also agree with you that some doms should be kicked to the curb especially when these doms promised exclusivity and monogamy to a sub and this agreement was broken. If the relationship is not working for one or both parties, then they need to move on.

imtempting -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 2:02:27 AM)
Thank you. :)

emdoub -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 2:12:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. Oh? Mayhaps we view collars differently - in my world, they are symbols of a contract. Just as a wedding ring is the symbol of a contract. When I give a collar, I give my word. That word may vary, depending on what the collar means in that relationship - but it means something, and we both know what it means. It might mean "You're mine until midnight", it might mean "You belong to me, heart and soul, until I decide otherwise or die". But it always means something. For most of the folks I know in the community, and all of them I respect, this holds true. The collar means something. I'm kinda sad that you don't see it that way. quote: If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. Doubtless the easiest way to solve conflict. I do have strong doubts that it's always the best way. Personally, I prefer communication and negotiation - but the throwaway relationship does seem to appeal to some. quote: The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. Normally, I'm not a grammar Nazi - but this was just too precious. In any case, I don't know many dominants who dump a sub in seconds, much less without a second thought. Mayhaps you would enjoy a different social millieu - the one you seem to have is, apparently, lacking. If that's how people acted in my social circle - I'd be unhappy, too. quote: This thinking should end. Oh, hell no. It should, really and truly, start. Midnight Writer whose epitaph will emphatically NOT be "Suffered Fools Gladly"

meatcleaver -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 3:07:47 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting Now I was going to write this in another thread but with all the outcrys of late of me according to people hijacking threads ( although I say one thing on topic and it goes away from topic from people saying stuff to me ) I thought id create a new one. I've seen this lots on these boards aswell as others that a sub ( male or female ) will usaully say 'I did this or I did that' now my dom or domme is upset with me. Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. You should ask him this or that. etc etc This thinking is rather foolish as its not always the submissive's fault. Reading these boards you would think a sub makes 99% of the problems in a relationship. It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. This thinking should end. This is precisely why I don't take D/s relationships seriously because they aren't really power exchange relationships, neither side is ultimately dominant or submissive. D/s relationships are two people satisfying their kink with someone who has a complimentry kink. However, if the sub doesn't like being told what to do and taking responsibility when s/he doesn't fullfill his/her side of the bargain, perhaps she should consider whether she is really a submissive. I have to laugh at so called subs who say I will be your sub and here are the conditions I require you to fullfill in order for me to be your sub and provide a list as long as their arm. No thanks, I get less conditions and orders and more obedience in a vanilla relationship and often more kink.

susie -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 3:31:54 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting Now I was going to write this in another thread but with all the outcrys of late of me according to people hijacking threads ( although I say one thing on topic and it goes away from topic from people saying stuff to me ) I thought id create a new one. I've seen this lots on these boards aswell as others that a sub ( male or female ) will usaully say 'I did this or I did that' now my dom or domme is upset with me. Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. You should ask him this or that. etc etc This thinking is rather foolish as its not always the submissive's fault. Reading these boards you would think a sub makes 99% of the problems in a relationship. It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. This thinking should end. I certainly do not see things the way that you do. My relationship with my Master is not a throw away one and takes work on both sides. It is a relationship just like a marriage to us and is as important as one. It took time and a lot of effort on both of our parts to get to the stage that we are at. We negotiated a contract at the time I was collared by him (I have never had a physical collar but we wear matching rings as a sign of our commitment) and part of that contract was that I could not walk away from our relationship without his permission. Of course that contract would not stand up legally and if I really wanted to I could walk away tomorrow, however, I gave my word when we agreed the contract and that to me is more important than anything else. Perhaps that is the part that you miss. A commitment is exactly that. I did not make it lightly nor would I walk away from that commitment lightly.

eyesopened -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 5:27:48 AM)
Perception is reality. i have been tossed aside because of perceived "wrongs" my most recent Dom decided i had OCD because i always ironed my clothes. WTF?? i toss my stuff in a suitcase and drive 3 hours to spend weekends with Him and after a year i have developed a mental disorder because i want my clothes neatly pressed? Although it sounded like an excuse to end the relationship (He also decided to change the dynamic to one we had agreed NOT to have) and of couse it needed to be my fault, so that became both His perception and His reality. Guess what.... this too shall pass. And i still iron my clothes when i travel. If you can't change your reality you can always change your perception. :)

ImpGrrl -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 6:06:57 AM)
If the s-type acts improperly, it's the s-type's fault. I'm not sure where the d-type's fault is in that? quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting Now I was going to write this in another thread but with all the outcrys of late of me according to people hijacking threads ( although I say one thing on topic and it goes away from topic from people saying stuff to me ) I thought id create a new one. I've seen this lots on these boards aswell as others that a sub ( male or female ) will usaully say 'I did this or I did that' now my dom or domme is upset with me. Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. You should ask him this or that. etc etc This thinking is rather foolish as its not always the submissive's fault. Reading these boards you would think a sub makes 99% of the problems in a relationship. It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. This thinking should end.

ImpGrrl -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 6:08:42 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadySeraphina Practically Perfect in Every Way Mary Poppins, is that you??

Kalira -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 6:15:12 AM)
quote: It is all consentual. You do not need some offical to release you from a relationship. A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract You are correct in the thinking that it is all consensual. However, in MY relationships, a collar is much more than just a word or item. I DO use contracts, and the collar is a sealing of that contract. It is NOT wedding ring; it is a symbol that I wear 24/7 that states quite clearly that I am the property of another. Personally, I think YOUR thinking needs to be reevalutated.

trannysub007 -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 6:18:20 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting I will get you some examples when I return later tonight. I am not trying to raise the roof. Just clear the path for alot of people. There are lots of people out there that their defination of a collar wil be vastly different to you. These are the same ones that disrespect their subs and it is those subs this is pointed at. Oh don't worry. I got some more threads planned. It should actually make you happy the other threads. It will actually help you for the time being. Since im attracting so much attention at the moment I can help get things in the air and openly discussed about. So, im, have you recently become the Expert of Everything on CM? Perhaps you are attracting attention because of the silly things you say? Maybe you are just needy for attention at this time in your life? While i haven't read all of your posts, the ones i have read are all negative towards Dominants. (Note the spelling please - it's Dominant, not Dominate. Dominate is a verb. Just FYI) i suspect that you base your thinking, with regard to this thread, on the posts you have seen from unhappy submissives. Most of the posting i have read on CM about the relationship involved in collaring has been about contracts in some way, about commitment, about mutual involvement in the relationship. Any Dominant who is not ready to invest in the relationship is not worth the sub's time and energy. JMO. Have fun posting your new threads. =-) david edited for the usual grammar/spelling/punctuation stuff. <sigh>

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