RE: Its not always the subs fault

RE: Its not always the subs fault (Full Version)

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AquaticSub -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:36:34 PM)
I have never, and will never, understand the logic of "I can't leave because I'm the sub/slave/brainwashed fool" but master/mistress/dominant/big daddy g" can end the relationship at any time because they are in charge. I'm a submissive. I've given my heart, my love, my time and my obedience. He has his rules for me and I follow them. I obey him regardless of where we are and who is around. Because I love him and want to please him I let him push limits I haven't let anyone else touch. But if he ever starts breaking the unspoken, unwritten contract we have between us of fidelity and respect, I'm gone. No asking permission, no begging to be released. My submission is secured through respect, not mistreatment.

ownedgirlie -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:49:43 PM)
Brainwashed fool? Interesting.

AquaticSub -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 12:57:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie Brainwashed fool? Interesting. It's scarasm. However, it can also be correct. I encountered a submissive who told her dominant repeatedly that she did not want to be spanked in public. He told her that he did not care, she was his and he would do what he liked with her. So, not even respecting the rights of innocent passerby, he would spank her in public and tell her that she smelled like she had wet herself. I never got to find out if she left him or not but if she didn't and he continued with that behavior... I would call her a fool since she stayed with a man who did things that she made clear were hard limits. If a master/dominant does not treat his toys with even the barest amount of respect, he does not deserve to have them.

LordODiscipline -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 2:28:58 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting Everyone immediatly sides with the dominate partner saying well you should treat him with more respect. That is not true - Sometimes they should treat the dominant with more deference.... The respect in those instances is perfect. ~J

onlythewindknows -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 6:32:43 PM)
EVERYTHING is the subs fault - leaky faucet, the price of popcorn at the movie theater, global warming... heh. No really, self blame can be a form of self-indulgence, which is exhausting as well as unbecoming. Any good Dom would give that sub a swat on the bottom and say "stop blaming yourself for everything - it isn't all about YOU!"

dsamethyst -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 7:20:56 PM)
imptempting: I have always had an ongoing private joke with anyone i was involved with in a D/s relationship....It's always the subs fault.... if i were to wear somethign that displeased him....i should haveanticipated his displeasure..if i were to somehoe spill drop or make a mistake it was becasue i was not being earnest in my thoughts regarding my "job" of keepignhim happy. I have been involved with 3 different relationship sinthe D/s world 2 were long term in in both of them it was the ongoing joke...i accepted it as my position...a whipping post so to speak..but it always kept my Dominant or Daddy happy! To me that is the important thing just my two cents worth little red

pixelslave -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/29/2006 10:09:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SlaveAkasha It is about consent and either party can leave, I agree with you on that. I have never figured out why a Dom can just say "it's over" and it is, and the sub/slave had to ask for release. I suppose it just has to do with formality. If I didn't want to be with Master, I would ask him to release me, but if he said no, I could still leave. Things that happen, can usually be blamed equally on either party. I think what gets me is sub/slaves coming on and after agreeing to things a certain way, bitching when He/She wants it done that way. I have seen plenty blame the Dom, and plenty blame the sub/slave. I hope that people read what is written, and judge each one based on facts given...in the end though, that is all anyone can do, since they don't know both sides, and aren't involved. Kasha Kasha, I think you have pointed to the root at what the OP may have been trying to get at perhaps in a somewhat less than effective way. First, there are many who are either new to the lifestyle who either do not have the self-esteem or experience to know that it is not unreasonable for them to expect/require there be a clear understand of what a collar means to a Dom/me and preferable to have negotiated a clear understanding of what is expected of both parties when one is given and accepted before such an event occurs. More important to matters of this forum, it seems that the real issue is that when people post, they really don't need to hear blame or judgment assigned to either party mentioned in their posting. It's been my experience that it's likely that both are to some degree likely to have contributed in some way to what happened and that blaming one or the other is a poor use of energy. Instead, the focus needs to be on learning the lessons that the events which transpired have to offer and focusing the majority of our energies on what needs to be done to heal the damage to the relationship (if possible) and to resolve the issues at hand. Dwelling on the past which cannot be changed or undone, is not at all productive at this point in time. I say this in part because we do not have all the facts and have not walked in the shoes of those who lived the events. A good dose of empathy is often appropriate and helps let people know that they are not alone and that their pain or anguish has been heard and felt. Sharing our experiences and how we dealt when dealing with similar problems is often useful as it shows them how others have chosen to deal with their problems and provides a model which they can chose to alter to fit their particular situation. To me, posters need positive and productive replys, not those that are telling them what they should or shouln't have done, but instead posts which can help provide them with information and insight as to what their options are now and how respondents might choose to hand the situation at this point in time; preferably posted in a non-judgemental or non-blaming way, to the extent that it is possible. There are of course times when people will ask for advice on which course of action they should take. Ultimately the decision is going to be theirs to make. Presenting the pros and cons is the best that can ultimately be done along with why we might make a particular decision. Ultimately, I'd hope that they would take responsibility and own their decision as being their own and not the collective vote of the members of this forum. I think this leads me to the point of what I think the OP may have been pointing to; only he really knows. It's my personal opininion that blaming and judging is not providing useful or helpful feedback and advice to posters in most situations. A good dose of empathy to validate their feelings is nearly alwasys a good thing to start with. Beyond that, blaming or judging anyone is probably neither helpful or productive. Providing positive actions or ideas on how to handle the problem or situation that has been presented would seem to me to be what most posters that have presented a problem or genuine question would be what they are looking for and in hope of receiving from this message board. When it comes to intellectual discourse, that is of course another matter. In my mind that is a situation which is primarily dependent on how a poster chooses to present their opinions and ideas; a decision that will determine how that person can expect to receive a response to their posts; something that the many could benefit from reflecting on before they press the send button on many of their posts. I say that while recognizing that such reflection is much easier said than done. [8\|] - pixel

RedSavageSlave -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 5:36:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub I encountered a submissive who told her dominant repeatedly that she did not want to be spanked in public. He told her that he did not care, she was his and he would do what he liked with her. I would call her a fool since she stayed with a man who did things that she made clear were hard limits. Maybe its just me but "Does not want" does not equal "Hard Limit"...

LordODiscipline -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 7:18:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: onlythewindknows EVERYTHING is the subs fault - leaky faucet, the price of popcorn at the movie theater, global warming... heh. No really, self blame can be a form of self-indulgence, which is exhausting as well as unbecoming. Any good Dom would give that sub a swat on the bottom and say "stop blaming yourself for everything - it isn't all about YOU!" *Or, just giving them something SIGNIFICANT to be worried about....* *Often times people play these silly mind f* games because they have nothing else to dwell on... and, it is really rather sad...* I say: make them live on the street for a few days... the whining and self recriminations will end forthwith! ;)** ~J

LaTigresse -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 11:55:42 AM)
Using fast reply.... Two things here..... One, my grandmother always used to say "it takes two to tango", silly but true. I would only add for my poly friends that it may be more than two! Regardless of the type of relationship, it takes two, or more, people to make it work. It takes the same number of people to screw it up. Regardless of how awful my ex was and how awful the relationship got before it crashed....it was not all, either person's fault. Secondly, and this is just my opinion. I don't think current personal relationship issues have any place in a public forum. I say current for the simple fact that I can see how past/resolved business can be brought up as a point of reference or an example. I would be VERY upset if my significant other brought our personal life into a forum board. I think it is disprespectful of the relationship and the people in it. I tend to think less of those I see expressing this type of behaviour. I suppose it is a reflection of the times, internet relationships being played out via the fantasy of the net for all the world to see. I just don't see it as realistic.

Mavis -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 12:39:27 PM)
LaTigresse, hoo-boy, do i agree with You there. i do share a lot of personal inner workings that are common situations, or to discuss other ways to look at or resolve things, but some stuff, it's just too much baring Someone elses stuff, not just mine. Sexual workings, a partners revealed insecurities, doubts, etc are just not mine to pass around. It's hard enough to share some things with a partner, what a breach it would be to find they publicised intimate things!

LadyHugs -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 1:29:54 PM)
Dear imtempting, Ladies and Gentlemen; In reading your original post, I do agree there are times where it may be the submissive/slave's fault and or the dominant's fault. What is failed to be mentioned, there are times when neither party, dominant and or submissive/slave are at fault and at times both at fault equally. Unfortunately, unless we (in general terms) bare witness personally, with first hand knowledge; to these events to where blame or not is placed, it then becomes a matter of individual views and or perceptions. Perceptions alone can be as risky as going on assumptions. Like the glass half empty/half full. What it boils down more to, is the lack of communication and the lack of understanding and or comprehension along with it. In addition, so many individuals are really afraid to ask what they really want. At times it takes a little while for adults to 'really' say what they want. We, in a general sense want to be accepted. In an ever increasing numbers, we're hearing the negatives of what happens; just like newspapers report the crime, wars and or other things negative. Rarely, are we given a smile of pleasure in seeing the good in others; even when it comes to our own personal relationships, be it at work, at home and or in this lifestyle. We, in a general sense, must be our own activist, when it comes to how we (in general terms) express our goals, expectations, our limits, our pain and pleasure and, anything that requires some form of communication. Until we (in a general sense) become mind readers; we must act as our own speaker, our own white knight and or advocate and our own guide through life. A relationship with another, regardless how brief, how long, how endearing and or not, is only an indivdual and or more accompanying our lives and on our life's journey. We, in a general sense, cannot make other's responsible four our own doing. We can make it a shared responsibility. But, when all is sifted--it boils down to the fact that we (in a general sense) are responsible for our own behavior, logic, choices, path, health and or welfare. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Dnomyar -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 4:27:32 PM)
Aine you have a cute smirk. Not once did I here the word communication mentioned here. I think that is what causes the most drama on here. Lack of communication between both parties.

LadyHugs -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 9:54:08 PM)
Dear Dnomyar, If you read my post, communication was mentioned twice. It was also connected to relationships on a variety of levels. I also added that along with communication, there must be understanding. It is no different having a person speak German and another Spanish. You can communicate between the two people but, the understanding is absent. Now, if both speak as well as understand and comprehend English; then you have both communication and understanding. But, everybody needs to be responsible to make sure that communication proffered is also understood and or comprehended. Some people lack such skills--written and/or spoken. Sir--your comments of my appearance,"cute smirk," only shows your spirit of intent. Respectfully submitted, Lady Hugs

MisPandora -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/30/2006 10:27:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: imtempting A collar is just a word or item. It is not a contract. If your not getting what you want from the relationship then leave. The same applies to the dominate partner but the dominate partner can dump the sub in seconds without a second thought but it has tried to be installed into a subs mind you need your master or mistress permission to be de-collared. To some, a collar IS a contract akin to a marriage. Do you think it's ok that at the moment you're not getting your way in a marriage, or you're having a bad day, that it's time to say nothing and to walk out on the investment? Whatever happened with interpersonal communication?

Dnomyar -> RE: Its not always the subs fault (10/31/2006 10:06:59 AM)
What is my spirit of intent. I just made a fun comment. That's the way I am. Why try to read something into it. My inner unmentionable likes to play and I let it. Some people in here don't and that's sad.

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