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Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 7:36:29 PM   
Hercuckslave


Posts: 103
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline 		hi all,

I have been in the lifestyle for nearly 20 years, and have been collared slave to my Mistress for nearly 6.  Lately I have heard quite a bit about this Dom or that Domme mentoring this sub or that slave.  That strikes me as odd.  In my humble opinion, Doms and subs are totally different species.  Though i have tried, there is no way that I can truly understand what makes a Domme tick, understand her, get inside her head.  It is also my opinion that a Dom/me can't truly understand what goes on inside a sub/slave's mind.    I can see a Dom/me protecting, teaching, guiding a submissive that they may not consider long term for them, but in my opinion, only another sub/slave can "mentor" another sub/slave.  Only another slave can fully understand another slave's needs, desires, dreams, fears, hopes, aspirations, bar bill (I just stuck that in to see if you were reading).

Was wondering what others's takes on this was.

M's m
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 7:51:14 PM   
DevilsVendetta


Posts: 63
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline 		IMO, it helps to have an opinion from another Master, like you said, subs cant truly understand Doms and vice versa. So when a problem occurs in the relationship, or anything the sub wishes to talk about to someone besides his/her Master first, it is much more logical for them to Dominant rather then submissive.

< Message edited by DevilsVendetta -- 10/25/2006 7:56:59 PM >

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 7:53:59 PM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		I think that despite the side (sub or dom) you're on, there is plenty of good knowledge that can be learned from both.  As a sub, I've had lots of sub friends, both male and female, to talk about "our" end of things.  This can be really helpful when you want to know about a submissive emotion (like sub frenzy, subspace or sub drop) and for general counseling and discussion.  However, I've also found that it is immensely helpful to talk about bdsm with dom/mes as well, whether it is literal mentoring or just a general chat about the subject.  Although you may never really understand what's going on in their head, or what makes them dominant, it's really good to at least understand where they're coming from. 

As far as literal mentoring goes, I think the same holds true.  Yes, it's great to know fellow subs so I can ask them questions about the scene or their relationships, but it also helps to get the other side of the story.  Besides, being mentored by a dominant doesn't have to mean you're having sex or just doing scenes with them.  This could be part of it, if that's what both parties want, but it really doesn't need to be. 

All knowledge is worth having.

(in reply to Hercuckslave)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 7:58:02 PM   
Hercuckslave


Posts: 103
Joined: 5/21/2006
Status: offline 		i am not saying that knowlege can't be gained in all situations.  yes, a sub can learn a great deal from a dom.  i am speaking to the process of "mentoring".  and i just don't think that a Dom can' mentor a sub/slave.  a Dom can train a sub/slave, a dom can offer opinions, share experiences, listen to and offer advice, but as for a mentor...i think only another sub/slave is an appropriate mentor for another sub/slave. 

lets put the shoe on the other foot for a moment....does anyone here think that a slave can mentor a dom?

M's m

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 8:00:19 PM   
MaamJay


Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline 		Well you can always ask a Switch and get both opinions from the one person! Very time effective
MaamJay aka violet[A]

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 8:20:52 PM   
gypsygrl


Posts: 1471
Joined: 10/8/2005
From: new york state
Status: offline 		I'm kind of with you on this Hercuckslave.  In reading these boards for the last month or so, I find I often get more personally relevant insight from other subs or slaves. I don't always agree with their perspective but I have a better intuitive sense of where they're coming from and how to read their words in terms of my own situation. This is very much a gut thing.

While I can usually intellectually process a Dominant perspective and see the logic of it, in a deeper sense, it simply doesn't compute.  A Dominant perspective often feels foreign, and I'm like, "ok, that might work for you but I'm sooooo not there and its really hard for me to imagine how to get there and Im not sure why I would want to."   I wouldn't go so far as to say its a matter of being different species, but the differences are great enough to create a gap that either needs to be bridged (through communication) or simply accepted (through obediance).

Paradoxically, I often learn more from a Dominant perspective.  I think this is because it is so different from my own that I have to put my brain to work processing it and when I'm done, I find myself with an enriched understanding of things even if I can't fully assimilate the novel domly perspective into my own.



< Message edited by gypsygrl -- 10/25/2006 8:29:29 PM >

(in reply to DevilsVendetta)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 8:27:08 PM   
Elegant


Posts: 1024
Joined: 3/15/2005
Status: offline 		It depends on the specific goals of the mentoring relationship

Let me repeat: It depends on the specific goals of the mentoring relationship.

For years I had a mentor who is a Domiant. Master is mentor to a submissive/bottom. I have provided mentoring to Dominants.




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Elegant
~Slave To Master Archer

http://www.FantasiesInLeather.com

(in reply to gypsygrl)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 8:45:47 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		I think that someone of the same pursuasion would be the best mentor.  However, I do believe that  aMentor can be of the opposite side of the coin.  I have mentored slaves before, girls that were not ready to submit to male doms quite yet until they knew enough about themselves to know what they truly wanted from BDSM.  They had a fear of being taken advantage of if they were going to get involved in a sexual relationship with a Dom, and so they learned about themselves and about the lifestyle with me. Once they were comfortable, and I believed they knew enough about themselves to safely get invlved elsewhere, I let them go.

But, of course, thats just me experience, and I am sure there are plenty who wouldnt see that as mentoring. To each their own.

DV

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to Elegant)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 10:30:29 PM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear Hercuckslave, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
Dominants mentoring submissive/slaves is wonderful.  It is also important to give a slave/submissive's perspective as well.
 
Not all dominants have spent time in previous submissive service, so its more important now days that slaves/submissive add their experiences in; especially if you're an established couple.
 
That said, not all slaves serve in the same manner so, again; it will be just as individualized as the dominants.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to Hercuckslave)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 10:35:52 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Personally if I felt I needed mentoring for some reason I would not want my options limited. Respect for the individual and a friendship with them is more important than their orientation or gender. I look at mentoring from a different perspective I suppose, but I could be mentored by many that are different from me.

I do not get mentoring very much at all in relation to WIITWD for me personally, but different people have different needs.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 10:51:44 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		Many slaves or submissives lack basic skills like deepthroating and the ability to recieve anal sex.  Mentoring them to gain these basic skills greatly increases their marketable skills.  Mentoring is hard work with few rewards so mentors deserve a great deal of appreciation.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 10:57:41 PM   
DiurnalVampire


Posts: 8125
Joined: 1/19/2006
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		And send all the mentoring applications directly to CD, since he is the resident expert in the finer arts of deep throating and recieving anal sex.

**bats eyes innocently**

< Message edited by DiurnalVampire -- 10/25/2006 10:59:26 PM >

_____________________________

I will be your Dominate if you will be my submit - Fox

Snarko Ergo Sum
If you cannot change your mind, how are you so sure you still have one? -proverb

*Owner of Fox - collared 10/13/07*
VampiresLair

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/25/2006 11:20:43 PM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		I always enjoy a nice prostate massage while being deepthroated, especially by beautiful a beautiful dominatrix.

As for deepthroating, I used to date a VERY sexually active vanilla woman and one night while we were sitting at a bar with some friends waiting for a munch to start.  Somehow we got into a deep throating contest using hotdogs and boy did we shock some of the families.

I won.

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 5:51:19 AM   
Archer


Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline 		Looking at the other side, certainly I can see the potential for a Senior slave mentoring a Junior Dominant. There are things I have learned from slaves that I'm not sure a Dominant could teach me as efficiently and effectively as they did. Besides which my view/ metod of mentoring certainly farms out the learning of some things to be learned under other slaves with myself being the central clearing house of who I think they should go learn a skillset under. my role being more of an overall big picture person.

So a slave with years of experience could easily serve that role for a Junior Dominant (ie Go spend some time with S for learning this skill set, G for that one, Q for this other thing, and judgeing from your personality and opinions of Dominance and submission I can reccomend Z for philosophical discussionsion that area.)

I know I used the references from slaves I met early on to choose which Dominants to observe and question, They were not my only source but they were a valable one.

BTW some folks don't realize how many slaves in the leather community are considered THE EXPERT on XY and Z, or how many of them are actively working on education at conferences and at group meetings. Some of them not viewed as slaves all by most lks but in service to someone none the less.

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 9:10:25 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		actually, i've always found it odd that submissives are mentored by other submissives or slaves. just because someone shares my particular lifestyle orientation, doesn't mean that they will understand me, my particular ways or needs or beliefs, or even be able to help me along in my journey. since Dominants naturally guide and lead, that is who i would naturally look to for a Mentor. long before i became his slave, my Master served as my Mentor, and he helped me a great deal...taught me how to look within and gain that self-knowledge and identity that is so crucial before taking the first steps in any sort of lifestyle relationship. like a good Mentor, he didn't force his own ways or views upon me, and didn't guide me to one particular way or the other. He was just 100% supportive and always there for advice and guidance. looking back, i cannot fathom how another submissive could have helped me at this time. by our very nature, submissives do not naturally lead or take authorative positions, while they can commiserate (sp?) they cannot, imo, help one take that extra step and actually guide one through one's path.

(in reply to Archer)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 9:19:18 AM   
heartfeltsub


Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline 		You might be surprised how many submissive fill roles of authority and guide peoples' lifes every single day as teachers, nurses, managers, etc. Just because someone is submissive in a D/s relationship, doesn't mean they have no wisdom to impart, no guidance to offer. To take that statement to a length that you may not have meant, it would mean that a submissive could not be a parent to an unmentionable because they can't exercise authority over that unmentionable.

Although a Dominant guides in a D/s relationship. most Dominants understand the Dominant perspective much more than They do the submissive perspective and when i was asking for help to learn more about myself, this lifestyle, etc. i needed and wanted the expertise and experience from both perspectives. And although i have been at this for a while, i still need the wisdom and outside perspective from both sides.

heartfelt

**Editted because i can't seem to type today.

< Message edited by heartfeltsub -- 10/26/2006 9:21:43 AM >

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 9:27:52 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elegant

It depends on the specific goals of the mentoring relationship

Let me repeat: It depends on the specific goals of the mentoring relationship.

For years I had a mentor who is a Domiant. Master is mentor to a submissive/bottom. I have provided mentoring to Dominants.



I agree.

I would like to add it depends on your definition of mentoring. It depends on your definition of mentoring. When the word is thrown out the main two thoughts on the subject are.

Mentors are people who are similar to you, independent and not actively involved in the persons life in this area but a sounding board and friend.

The other definition is that mentors are trainers, introducers to novices into the life. Basically an agreed upon short term relationship of what they agreed upon.

I think both things are perfectly fine but are quite separate from each other. Personally I here the word mentor I think of the first one but that is strictly me. I do think that a fellow slave might know what another slave is going through better and the same with a Master but I do not believe this is anywhere near an absolute. I think we are all human beings and way more similar then different.

The main thing in a mentor would be that the person can feel open to discuss anything and the mentor is truly there for the person without any personal motives.

Edited because it might look like I dissagreed with Elegant, which I do not.


< Message edited by toservez -- 10/26/2006 9:30:09 AM >

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 9:49:14 AM   
daddysprop247


Posts: 1712
Joined: 6/24/2005
From: DC Metro area
Status: offline 		i agree with toservez, i think that some of us may have a different idea of what a Mentor actually is. to me, a person who is similar to me (meaning submissive or slave), and who serves as a sounding board and friend, would be absolutely wonderful to have at the start of one's journey, but such a person would not fit my definition of Mentor. and while i do not equate a mentor with a trainer, i do view it as more of a leadership and guidance position, not one of kinship and comraderie. professor/student, as opposed to buxom buddies.

heartfeltsub, i do not believe that submissives have no wisdom to impart. and i also realize that there are many who are submissive within a relationship but fill positions of leadership and authority outside of that....and more power to those who do...however that is not what i personally would define as "submissive"...meaning personality-wise, and not simply as defined within the lifestyle. and actually one major reason why i do not feel i could ever be a good mother (at least not on my own) is because of my submissive nature, because i know i could not properly take that authoratative/disciplinarian role.

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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 10:00:13 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline
quote:

Somehow we got into a deep throating contest using hotdogs and boy did we shock some of the families.
I won.


Braggart!
Mentoring is another thing I don't understand.  I think it could easily turn into a relationship where the mentor takes advantage, trying to convince a sub that this stuff is all about the perfect deep throat.




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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to CrappyDom)
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RE: Dom/mes mentoring subs/slaves - 10/26/2006 10:17:59 AM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		It AINT?????????????????????????



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