RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions

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RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 10/28/2006 2:28:34 AM

Fitznicely

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I've spent nine years gently deprogramming the abuse my girl suffered at the hands of her family.

The major hurdle to overcome in her case was indeed the low self-esteem and blame that she took on herself. I'm not a trained shrink, but i do empathise with people easily and was able to use this skill to work through the arious layers of her problems.

There's been tears, anger, denial, realisation, depression (lots of that) and mental trauma, but we've worked through it all to the point where she can now consider coming face to face with the abuser.

In her case (and this is in no way meant as advice to anyone else!), her submission to me has been a watershed. During the calm, centred time after a sound caning, she has found the strength of spirit and the clarity of vision to leave her past behind her, to finally let go of the trauma of her past and be able to move on to a way of life that satisfies her.

Would I take the girl in the OP on? No, but not because of what she says, more because I know she eventually has a long, traumatic road to travel and I wouldn't want to do that twice in a lifetime.

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RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 10/28/2006 7:02:08 AM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

Aloha Paradoxy

I am Jack's annoying voice of compassion and tolerance.

I suppose. It sounds a bit more like Jack's Got-to-Save-the-World-Whether-It-Personally-Turns-Him-On-Or-Not Guilt Trip, to me.

Sorry, but the girl described by the OP didn't tell him that she wanted to try some Daddy-Daughter age play and even Rape Play. She didn't say she was looking for therapeutic BDSM to help cope with past trauma. She was still talking as if incest was cool and a great way to get more intimate with your family. She also brought up the OP having real sex with his real sister--which, I'm sorry is a HUGE squick for most people, who have no desire to fuck their parents OR their siblings.

The issue isn't whether it is right or wrong to help someone get through their past trauma in the context of BDSM. A lot of us have done that in relationship after relationship. The issue is that this girl doesn't come across as "traumatized"--she comes across as freaking nuts. And the fact is, just because someone is dominant doesn't mean they are obligated to sleep with people who turn them OFF.

Incest play and Rape play are squicks for some dominants, just as scat and golden showers are squicks for some dominants. Doms are not obligated to do things that squick them as "therapy" for someone else, any more than slaves are obligated to have their hard limits violated just because the dom has some weird personal kink.

Yes, we may all be "crazy" in the eyes of the world, but we still have the right to say "no" to whoever and whatever we want. That's what consent really means. And in this respect, guilt is just another form of coercion--as many survivors of child abuse know very well.

--M

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

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Post #: 42

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/7/2006 7:50:24 AM

onestandingstill

Posts: 1335
Joined: 8/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy

quote:

ORIGINAL: crouchingtigress

sorry i was harsh....i can be a little pissy i know, but it would be sad to see you abandon this girl just because a bunch of lap top kink-shrinks said to.

Just to clarify, I never told anybody to do anything. I simply recommended being cautious.

I have done what I do and reduced a number of women to sobbing, incoherent, disassociated emotional wrecks based on their past trauma.

While the outcome was positive for the students (due to the female instructers training and skill in dealing with it) I went home with the image of the woman in a fetal position, speaking in a man's voice, or whatever burned in my brain and it never leaves me to this day.

If this qualifies me as a nay-saying laptop psychologist in your mind, so be it.

Just me, could be wrong, but there you go.

Sinergy

Hi Sinergy,
Thanks for posting the way doing that to someone even in consensual terms affects you from the top's perspective of the heavier scenes.
I think the responsibility of the actions, even if the end result is good, has a lot to do with why heavy sadists can't love the sub/slave that can take their play to the same levels as with someone they don't love.
I know that's why I know I'm not a top at all.
I feel bad to hit someone even if they like it.
It just makes me squirm inside even when I love it done to me.

Funny thing that just bends my brain in a knot is the notion something so healing for the sub is so potentially damaging. If someone loves you enough they can't take you there for the risk of the potential permanent injury (emotional or physical) that just bites.
I guess that's the paradox.
Sub/slaves want to reserve that extreme level of sensation and control of their mind, body, and spirit to one they love with all their heart, but the ones that love them back like that often can't go there with them.
suzanne

(in reply to Sinergy)

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Post #: 43

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/7/2006 8:45:59 AM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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Hello A/all,

There is a book called "The Gift Of Fear" by Gavin DeBecker. In this book he talks about the fact that fear is something which developed in people from antiquity forth as a means of survival.

He states that fear's warning signals are not something to be ignored, but something to be listened to and considered for their potential value in keeping oneself safe.

I highly recommend this book.

Sinergy

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Post #: 44

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/9/2006 6:42:54 PM

Windygal

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Joined: 8/17/2004
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I have a friend who was molested, she makes it sound like her (step) dad was her boyfriend YUK!

Windygal

(in reply to onestandingstill)

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Post #: 45

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/10/2006 9:13:48 AM

BootBlackBlast

Posts: 378
Joined: 10/23/2006
Status: offline

Jack,

Move to SF, hang out at the citadel, find some fun kinky friends, live happily ever after. the freaks and the troubled are here too because after all it IS San Francisco but the sheer numbers of kinks prove fun time and time again.

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Bootblack Blast
Mama's Blast

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Post #: 46

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/10/2006 2:42:03 PM

jimbo747

Posts: 109
Joined: 10/6/2006
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To much Drama in the horizen

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Post #: 47

RE: I am Jack's Rookie Questions - 11/10/2006 2:50:58 PM

Sinergy

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Joined: 4/26/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: onestandingstill

Hi Sinergy,
Thanks for posting the way doing that to someone even in consensual terms affects you from the top's perspective of the heavier scenes.

Hello onestandingstill,

I was talking about one of my jobs, not about my being a Top in heavier scenes.

The back story is that I work as a mock assailaint in limbic system / muscle/body memory self defense training. Some of the students we have are pretty deeply traumatized by their past, and what I do may or may not cause some to experience disassociative breakdowns.

I was simply attempting to illustrate the danger of unskilled and uneducated people attempting to use BDSM to aid in a person's recovery who has a disassociative mental disorder.

While I enjoy scening, I would not consider myself either a sadist, an edge player, or extreme player. It is not that I cannot, it is simply that I dont find much enjoyment in that sort of thing.

Sinergy

_____________________________

"There is a fine line between clever and stupid"
David St. Hubbins "This Is Spinal Tap"

"Every so often you let a word or phrase out and you want to catch it and bring it back. You cant do that, it is gone, gone forever." J. Danforth Quayle

(in reply to onestandingstill)

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Post #: 48