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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 8:59:07 AM

ownedgirlie

Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me.

I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it.

I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really.

agirl

You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not.

For clarification sake, this is not to say that if I bring up a valid point for him to consider, and he decides it is best for me, that he won't do it. But it means he is consistent with who he is, and what he believes is best, even if I don't like it. I am secure in knowing I could never manipulate, even subconsciously.

(in reply to agirl)

Post #: 21

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 9:23:57 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

in‧se‧cure /ˌɪn

sɪˈkyʊr/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-si-kyoor] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective 1.subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person. 2.not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination. 3.not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger: an insecure stock portfolio. 4.not firmly or reliably placed or fastened: an insecure ladder.
I'm not sure why you'd think this was a red flag...everyone who is human is insecure at one time or another. Why are Doms not allowed to be human? This is actually a point I made a while ago...sub are not only allowed, but they are expected, to make mistakes. How come Doms aren't?

Master Fire

_____________________________

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(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 22

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 9:26:23 AM

sublizzie

Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline

Frankly I would be very afraid of a Dominant who didn't, on occasion, show some insecurity. I really prefer a *human* Dominant to a one-dimensional being. That's why I enjoy spending time, real time, with people from the community. You get the whole picture of who a person is that way.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 23

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 9:36:55 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

Tearing others down to build themselves up

Inability to admit when they make mistakes

Inconsistency in their decision making.

Probably others I have not listed here

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 24

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 9:51:26 AM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie
You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not.

Yeah, it's that familiar inner monologue:

"Please say yes!
(please say no!)"

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 25

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 10:00:31 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

i dunno, i think it's cute when Master or Dom shows a little insecurity.. letting down the facade to me shows my value, and the trust They place in me to allow me to see the soft squishy parts, it means They know i won't poke it with a stick. Being vulnerable at times is good.

Yes, there is a diff tween being vulnerable at times, and even being insecure at times, but that is very different from a chronic condition. That would drive me nuts. But then, that same chronic condition in a sub or slave would drive a Dom or Master nuts too!

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 26

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 10:06:40 AM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

Yes, there is a diff tween being vulnerable at times, and even being insecure at times, but that is very different from a chronic condition. That would drive me nuts. But then, that same chronic condition in a sub or slave would drive a Dom or Master nuts too!

Chronic insecurity in anyone would drive me nuts....valid point

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mavis)

Post #: 27

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 10:18:46 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags.

They are never wrong, never say "I'm sorry", and never laugh at their own mistakes.

Insecurity is also exhibited by isolating the submissive from contact with others.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 28

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 10:57:12 AM

ExtremeOwnerIL

Posts: 197
Joined: 10/19/2006
Status: offline

Have I been insecure leading up to a decision? Yes. However, I still make the choice and move forward, for good or bad. The insecurity, for me, was perhaps making a very risky decision, or stepping into areas of unknown or landmines. But once I make the decision, it is made and I do what I can to stick with it.

I think a red flag would be either the inability to make a decision, or a lack of responsibility for the results after making a decision. Insecurity is not a bad thing as long as it doesn't lead to additional behaviors.

Fear and insecurity isn't necessarily a bad thing - it can be an honest understanding of risks and an appreciation of the magnitude or seriousness of the decision. I think fear can sharpen the wits and help in the growth.

Once that fear or insecurity is conquered, then I think true growth has happened.

Regards,
EO

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 29

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 11:38:07 AM

raiken

Posts: 868
Joined: 10/18/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

Hec, my first thought when reading this was if i wanted a human dominant or a programmable one, complete with OS "security" patches coming out every six months to fix all the "undomly" glitches. *grin

So for the (more) serious answer, (always considering the human possibilities of fallability), a dominant who is (consistently) indescisive is an automatic turn off for me. Consistent indescision shows me that he is not sure of himself or secure enough within himself to trust his judgement. This would make it hard for me to trust him.

i also feel more secure with one who takes time to consider all angles or possibilities before making a descision, then when the descision is made, be it right or wrong, he is able to step up to the plate and accept his responsibility for his descision. Blame shifting and making excuses,is also a sign of insecurity in my eyes. This shows me he is unwilling to learn from his descisions that were less than beneficial or prudent at the time. If he is secure with himself, he will simply admit he screwed up and LEARN and GROW from it.

Another thing is being inconsistent with his requirements. If he is on one day (with a certain requirement, etc.) and off the next, it throws me off balance. One day it is okay to do or say xyz, then the next day it isn't. This to me is another sign of insecurity, for he is not sure what he wants from day to day. Just me though...*smile

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 30

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 12:20:45 PM

agirl

Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie

quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me.

I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it.

I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really.

agirl

You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not.

For clarification sake, this is not to say that if I bring up a valid point for him to consider, and he decides it is best for me, that he won't do it. But it means he is consistent with who he is, and what he believes is best, even if I don't like it. I am secure in knowing I could never manipulate, even subconsciously.

Yes, I have the very same. It's a constant struggle for me actually and I rather think it always will be.

I want my own way so very passionately at times, but as you said, I'm still incredibly thankful that it makes no difference to what will happen if he decides otherwise.

I usually hate him for a while....but he has this hideous way of making me laugh WHILE I am still busy trying to hate him. So annoying! There's nothing worse when you're having a major strop than hearing * Awww, still hating me then I see, oh well, never mind*.

agirl

(in reply to ownedgirlie)

Post #: 31

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 2:02:17 PM

WetHotGoddess

Posts: 128
Joined: 5/18/2006
Status: offline

Again, as usual, I have to agree with MisPandora.

What I view as a sign of insecurity is doms who must show off and brag about what they have done and who they did it with. Those who know everything about every topic. (hmm... there may be some on the boards now!)

The ones who criticize other doms and who isolate their subs.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

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(in reply to MisPandora)

Post #: 32

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 2:07:43 PM

givemyall

Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline

I made one cry once - that was a great big red flag

What did I do about it?..... got rid (fast)

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 33

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 2:51:29 PM

WickedlyDevine

Posts: 63
Joined: 10/17/2006
Status: offline

Indecision is huge.
Adopting my views, hell I forget who is master then...
Not respecting limits.
Self-proclaimation, my faves are the Doms who demand being called Master or Sir even before saying "Hello."
All talk, no action.

< Message edited by WickedlyDevine -- 10/19/2006 2:58:25 PM >

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 34

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 3:14:34 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

I dont think asking if someone is okay is insecurity as much as wanting to make sure they are okay...with a newer submissive or a new activity it can be neccesary to ask several times.
I suffer from bouts of indecision...I have so many types of things I can use its hard to decide what one I want.I also get spur of the moment ideas and can do an about face in seconds.Again not an insercurity just too many toys in a small room.

Not to say that I dont sometimes feel insecure or doubt Myself,I think we all do that at times.But the relationships I have affirm that I have no reason really to feel that way.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to Dnomyar)

Post #: 35

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 3:42:49 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine

Indecision is huge.
Adopting my views, hell I forget who is master then...
Not respecting limits.
Self-proclaimation, my faves are the Doms who demand being called Master or Sir even before saying "Hello."
All talk, no action.

The bold was added by me, you see, I do not see this as a sign of weakness or undomliness to accept my views on things when asked for them and I have intelligently articulated some sort of PoV that he respects and takes on as his own. I see this as very domly as a matter of fact because my brain belongs to him to use as he will, if he finds the information contained in it serves him... all the better I have served him

But that is just me... etc

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to WickedlyDevine)

Post #: 36

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 4:46:41 PM

Morrigel

Posts: 492
Joined: 10/13/2006
Status: offline

To me, the greatest signs of strength in a human being are courtesy and composure. Lose either, and you are no longer in control, and cannot call yourself "dominant" no matter how brutal and aggressive you become.

As a domme, the greatest insecurities I see in other dominants tends to be 1) the refusal to admit that anyone who isn't like you in some way could share the trait of dominance with you--i.e., "You can't be dom...you're a woman!" "You can't be dom...you're not a muscular goon!" "You can't be dom...you're not white!" Etc etc ad nauseam, and 2) the inability to allow a sub any independence of thought, action or speech in simple social settings, whether through jealousy or because afraid the sub's intelligence, attractiveness or social graces will attract others too much. Have seen this latter one a few times, sadly. I believe someone earlier summarized it as "doms who isolate their subs".

I'm sure if I was a sub I would see much more and know much more about the subject.

--M

(in reply to juliaoceania)

Post #: 37

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:07:05 PM

Your1Dom

Posts: 5
Joined: 10/14/2006
Status: offline

Dnomyar,

This is quite the interesting topic. Having read most of the responses to Your initial post, I recognize a lot of behaviors - especially in Kalira's response. It's not that I behave in the manners described - at least, I rarely do. But, I have seen it in many others, over the years.

But, Your post is even more interesting to Me, because of My own situation. I will readily admit that I have begun to feel less self-confident, lately. I had been away from the scene for nearly 4 years, due to serious health problems. Now, that I have returned, I am embarking on a new D/s relationship and feeling a bit insecure. But, I recognize what is happening, and work hard to avoid altering My normal behavior. I understand that most insecurities and lack of self-confidence is a result of imagination run amok. People have a habit of making mountains out of molehills.

I know that having unrealistic expectations of, and making unreasonable demands on others is even more harmful to one's self, than it is to the other party. So, I take a reality check when necessary.

Again, this is an interesting subject, Dnomyar. I appreciate everyone letting Me vent a bit.

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 38

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:51:14 PM

LordODiscipline

Posts: 995
Joined: 6/28/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: KatyLied

My red flags:

[Yadda Yadda Yadda]
The Dom is always right,

Why would the truth be a 'red flag'?

Wonderingly:
~J

_____________________________

"Anyone who thinks they're important is usually just a pompous moron who can't deal with his or her own pathetic insignificance and the fact that what they do is meaningless and inconsequential."
William Thomas

(in reply to KatyLied)

Post #: 39

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:23:13 PM

shadevarr

Posts: 360
Joined: 7/2/2006
Status: offline

Things that Dom/mes have done in the past that annoyed me: 1. Acting like they know everything2. Inability to stick to their own rules3. Not caring for those under them4. Not saying sorry when they make a mistake

(in reply to LordODiscipline)

Post #: 40

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