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Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 5:40:37 AM

Dnomyar

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As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 5:41:56 AM

Jasmyn

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Indecision

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 5:51:17 AM

Celeste43

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Constantly asking if I was all right, being anxious, unable to make a decision.

Handling it? In a newbie it's understandable and just needs positive feedback to get over societal programming that he shouldn't hurt a woman. Even in people with experience but in a new relationship it's understandable since he doesn't know what to expect from his partner.

If his partner is experienced, then she should have told him ahead of time how to read her. If not, they should just go slowly so both feel more secure.

In life? Everybody gets insecure sometimes. For The Man it signifies he's been burning the candle at both ends and needs a decent meal and then a good night's sleep. Which suggests that all of us should pay attention to our physical needs since they have so much influence on the emotional.

(in reply to Jasmyn)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 5:55:20 AM

WindOWillow

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Just speaking for myself.

Dominants are not (in my opinion) immune from human foibles that people in general have. I don't expect a dom/domme to be anything other than the individual human being that they are.

People in general express various flaws, insecurities, bad judgment. It's a human thing. If I care for someone, I feel it's up to me to help the person through whatever they are struggling with to the best of my ability with love and compassion.

There are certain personalities that I steer clear of because they are toxic to me. Those who chronically lie. People who are intolerant of others for shallow reasons such as race, physical flaws, social/economic difference.People who are cruel and callous towards others. In other words, I don't deal well with surface dwellers. So I avoid close interpersonal relationships with them.

It's not so much judging someones flaws, insecurities whatevers. It's choosing someone compatible for yourself and supporting them through their personal life's journey.

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:02:54 AM

agirl

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me.

I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it.

I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really.

agirl

(in reply to Dnomyar)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:04:17 AM

Kalira

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From: Fort Wayne Indiana
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

Hmm, speaking from only the getting to know you stages:
+Mails or phone calls that sound almost whiny or desperate in tone. I always put the brakes on fast and say thanks, but no thanks.
+One's who think that the first words they say to you should be 'obey me now'. I laugh at them. I know, not very nice, but it does the job.
+One's who demand, from the get go, that you turn on a webcam or give your phone number. Of course, this is just to prove who YOU are. Uh huh. Though I know there are those who perfer that a person does this, it is the ones who demand it, and expect compliance, that I turn away from.
+One's who insist, from the first contact, that you change your profile to reflect that you are now taken. Again, I laugh at them. I find them truly amusing.
+One's who insist, in their profiles, and in opening emails that you will have no limits, be naked all the time, and obey mindlessly. My response to them is usually to get a life.

Just a few, but these are the ones that actually give me the greatest amusement.

edited to add:

Now see, while I find indecision to be something that turns me off in a dominant, I don't see it as a sign of insecurity. I find that the ones who insist on total and complete control, from day one, to be the most insecure in themselves. Just my own observations though.

< Message edited by Kalira -- 10/19/2006 6:06:07 AM >

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:12:42 AM

MsKatHouston

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I would not consider insecurity as an automatic red flag. Everyone has some insecurity. Where I would consider it a red flag is if it was constant and encompassing every factor of one's life. Don't have unrealistic expectations of a person just because they are dominant. I can be dominant and secure in every aspect of my life but still feel a tad insecure when it comes to wearing that skin tight cat suit, wondering if I look good. It happens. It's human. I would, however, stay away from extremely insecure people whether they are dominant or submissive. I don't feel a need to fix people and the ones who are really insecure tend to get on my nerves. Some signs I would look for:

Constant need of attention
extreme posessiveness
judgement of self and others in a constant negative light
overreacting to situations
lying
being unsure of the reality of a situation vs. their perception

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~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:22:32 AM

Dnomyar

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Insecutity breeds indecision so lets not nitpick words. Why is lying the same as being insecure. I think that lying is a form of minuplating someone.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:25:56 AM

MsKatHouston

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Nowhere did I say lying was the same as being insecure. I did however, cite it as a possible sign that someone was insecure. Insecurity does breed indecision. However, most people, at some time in their life, have had minor bouts of insecurity which is just normal. It's the people who have a continual affliction with insecurity that seem to have a more serious problem.

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~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:34:16 AM

Contesaluv

Posts: 173
Joined: 3/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: WindOWillow

Just speaking for myself.

Dominants are not (in my opinion) immune from human foibles that people in general have. I don't expect a dom/domme to be anything other than the individual human being that they are.

People in general express various flaws, insecurities, bad judgment. It's a human thing. If I care for someone, I feel it's up to me to help the person through whatever they are struggling with to the best of my ability with love and compassion.

There are certain personalities that I steer clear of because they are toxic to me. Those who chronically lie. People who are intolerant of others for shallow reasons such as race, physical flaws, social/economic difference.People who are cruel and callous towards others. In other words, I don't deal well with surface dwellers. So I avoid close interpersonal relationships with them.

It's not so much judging someones flaws, insecurities whatevers. It's choosing someone compatible for yourself and supporting them through their personal life's journey.

I SECOND THAT EMOTION! Couldn't have said it better. Thanks for saving me the typing...lol

_____________________________

Mistress C.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.
William Shakespeare
------------------------
In a world of so many variables, why do you have to be the norm? Anonymous

(in reply to WindOWillow)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 6:57:13 AM

MzTlaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MsKatHouston

Constant need of attention
extreme posessiveness
judgement of self and others in a constant negative light
overreacting to situations
lying
being unsure of the reality of a situation vs. their perception

Wow....you're talking about a Dom I know! Hmmm....I wonder if that's actually true.

I think a big red flag for me is the Dom/mes that want to micromanage your life, they need to be constantly in touch with you controlling every little detail of your life. When I have gotten to know this type of Dom/me I have seen that they are completely out of control of their own life, it's a mess! I tell any submissive to watch out for the over-controlling ones because they're just looking to have control over something or someone rather than deal with their own issues. My experience anyway!

As has been said...it's human to have some insecurities....kinda like baggage, if you've got more than a carry-on it becomes a problem.

(in reply to MsKatHouston)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:00:49 AM

MisPandora

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

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Ms World Leather 2004
Ms Philadelphia Leather 2004

"Simply put, if you want a real femdom to love you, give her reasons to love you." Gloria Brame

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:03:05 AM

Kalira

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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

LOL ok...yes, I agree with this totally also

_____________________________

Facilius Per Partes In Cognitionem Totius Adducimur
We are more easily led part by part to an understanding of the whole.
Seneca

Damnant Quod Non Intellegunt

(in reply to MisPandora)

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:03:19 AM

sweetnurseBBW

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Inconsistency in dealing with things. I mean all things, including lifestyle and vanilla.

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:05:50 AM

KatyLied

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My red flags:

If you don't agree with me, I'll need to punish you.
You're not sub enough
The Dom is always right,

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:06:23 AM

MsKatHouston

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quote:

Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

LOL very true. However, I suspect in many of these situations it is not dominant driven but sub driven in the guise of "My dom/me asked me to do this" in order for them to go back and say "See, I told you you shouldn't have done X, Y or Z".

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~If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning~

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:07:53 AM

RedSavageSlave

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Dnomyar

As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it.

calling someone a fake because they dont agree with your views,,, how would I handle it?? delete and ignore..

<hit this one last night when I was told I was looking for a sugar daddy because I wouldnt call someone a Master (as in MY Master) unless it was a 24/7 live in situation>

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So many thoughts, so few of them rational

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:23:06 AM

lesbiangirlslave

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From: amsterdam
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MisPandora

Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

Maybe also a form of insecurety from the Dom? But this girl thinks that it developthe the thoughts of a slave. Even a Mistress is a human and not a god who always do the right thing. Its good for a slave to realise that and this girl think that no slave will think that a relationship between Mistress and slave will change by reading this.

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 7:26:41 AM

happypervert

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quote:

However, I suspect in many of these situations it is not dominant driven but sub driven in the guise of . . .

Heh . . . or it is the insecure dom doing it using a fake profile to make it appear the sub is asking

Either way, something is messed up and it is just a question of: how weird is it?

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RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme - 10/19/2006 8:53:17 AM

toservez

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quote:

ORIGINAL: agirl

I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me.

I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it.

I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really.

agirl

That is my main one along with a similar and a little different the constant need for feedback in almost everything that is done no matter how vanilla it is. I cannot handle things when it feels even remtoely that the person wants me to top from the bottm. Ick!

I think all of us have our insecurities and deal with them in our own way. It is people who have many and/or in such a severe way that it interfers with relationships and a healthy life. It also has to do with matchups and finding the right person to be with. If a person is insecure about feeling loved for example might not do well with a person who is stoic in nature.

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