RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme

RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (Full Version)

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ownedgirlie -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 8:59:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: agirl I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me. I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it. I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really. agirl You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not. For clarification sake, this is not to say that if I bring up a valid point for him to consider, and he decides it is best for me, that he won't do it. But it means he is consistent with who he is, and what he believes is best, even if I don't like it. I am secure in knowing I could never manipulate, even subconsciously.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 9:23:57 AM)
in‧se‧cure /ˌɪn[image]http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png[/image]sɪˈkyʊr/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-si-kyoo[image]http://cache.lexico.com/dictionary/graphics/luna/thinsp.png[/image]r] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –adjective 1.subject to fears, doubts, etc.; not self-confident or assured: an insecure person. 2.not confident or certain; uneasy; anxious: He was insecure about the examination. 3.not secure; exposed or liable to risk, loss, or danger: an insecure stock portfolio. 4.not firmly or reliably placed or fastened: an insecure ladder. I'm not sure why you'd think this was a red flag...everyone who is human is insecure at one time or another. Why are Doms not allowed to be human? This is actually a point I made a while ago...sub are not only allowed, but they are expected, to make mistakes. How come Doms aren't? Master Fire

sublizzie -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 9:26:23 AM)
Frankly I would be very afraid of a Dominant who didn't, on occasion, show some insecurity. I really prefer a human Dominant to a one-dimensional being. That's why I enjoy spending time, real time, with people from the community. You get the whole picture of who a person is that way.

juliaoceania -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 9:36:55 AM)
Tearing others down to build themselves up Inability to admit when they make mistakes Inconsistency in their decision making. Probably others I have not listed here

justheather -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 9:51:26 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not. Yeah, it's that familiar inner monologue: "Please say yes! (please say no!)"

Mavis -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 10:00:31 AM)
i dunno, i think it's cute when Master or Dom shows a little insecurity.. letting down the facade to me shows my value, and the trust They place in me to allow me to see the soft squishy parts, it means They know i won't poke it with a stick. Being vulnerable at times is good. Yes, there is a diff tween being vulnerable at times, and even being insecure at times, but that is very different from a chronic condition. That would drive me nuts. But then, that same chronic condition in a sub or slave would drive a Dom or Master nuts too!

juliaoceania -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 10:06:40 AM)
quote: Yes, there is a diff tween being vulnerable at times, and even being insecure at times, but that is very different from a chronic condition. That would drive me nuts. But then, that same chronic condition in a sub or slave would drive a Dom or Master nuts too! Chronic insecurity in anyone would drive me nuts....valid point

Mercnbeth -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 10:18:46 AM)
quote: As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. They are never wrong, never say "I'm sorry", and never laugh at their own mistakes. Insecurity is also exhibited by isolating the submissive from contact with others.

ExtremeOwnerIL -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 10:57:12 AM)
Have I been insecure leading up to a decision? Yes. However, I still make the choice and move forward, for good or bad. The insecurity, for me, was perhaps making a very risky decision, or stepping into areas of unknown or landmines. But once I make the decision, it is made and I do what I can to stick with it. I think a red flag would be either the inability to make a decision, or a lack of responsibility for the results after making a decision. Insecurity is not a bad thing as long as it doesn't lead to additional behaviors. Fear and insecurity isn't necessarily a bad thing - it can be an honest understanding of risks and an appreciation of the magnitude or seriousness of the decision. I think fear can sharpen the wits and help in the growth. Once that fear or insecurity is conquered, then I think true growth has happened. Regards, EO

raiken -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 11:38:07 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it. Hec, my first thought when reading this was if i wanted a human dominant or a programmable one, complete with OS "security" patches coming out every six months to fix all the "undomly" glitches. grin So for the (more) serious answer, (always considering the human possibilities of fallability), a dominant who is (consistently) indescisive is an automatic turn off for me. Consistent indescision shows me that he is not sure of himself or secure enough within himself to trust his judgement. This would make it hard for me to trust him. i also feel more secure with one who takes time to consider all angles or possibilities before making a descision, then when the descision is made, be it right or wrong, he is able to step up to the plate and accept his responsibility for his descision. Blame shifting and making excuses,is also a sign of insecurity in my eyes. This shows me he is unwilling to learn from his descisions that were less than beneficial or prudent at the time. If he is secure with himself, he will simply admit he screwed up and LEARN and GROW from it. Another thing is being inconsistent with his requirements. If he is on one day (with a certain requirement, etc.) and off the next, it throws me off balance. One day it is okay to do or say xyz, then the next day it isn't. This to me is another sign of insecurity, for he is not sure what he wants from day to day. Just me though...smile

agirl -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 12:20:45 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ownedgirlie quote: ORIGINAL: agirl I'm not quite sure.....I think one might be if they began modifying their behaviour out of fear of losing me and not because it was the best thing for the relationship as a whole, best for them or best for me. I think the signs could be quite varied and subtle but I'd ALWAYS notice it. I'm sure that many people could handle that type of insecurity but I couldn't. It would be the death-knell, really. agirl You nailed it for me, too. And it seems every time I fight against his refusal to yield, I am sooo relieved when he consistently does not. For clarification sake, this is not to say that if I bring up a valid point for him to consider, and he decides it is best for me, that he won't do it. But it means he is consistent with who he is, and what he believes is best, even if I don't like it. I am secure in knowing I could never manipulate, even subconsciously. Yes, I have the very same. It's a constant struggle for me actually and I rather think it always will be. I want my own way so very passionately at times, but as you said, I'm still incredibly thankful that it makes no difference to what will happen if he decides otherwise. I usually hate him for a while....but he has this hideous way of making me laugh WHILE I am still busy trying to hate him. So annoying! There's nothing worse when you're having a major strop than hearing * Awww, still hating me then I see, oh well, never mind*. agirl

WetHotGoddess -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 2:02:17 PM)
*Again, as usual, I have to agree with MisPandora.* What I view as a sign of insecurity is doms who must show off and brag about what they have done and who they did it with. Those who know everything about every topic. (hmm... there may be some on the boards now!) *The ones who criticize other doms and who isolate their subs.* quote: ORIGINAL: MisPandora quote: ORIGINAL: Dnomyar As usual picked this up from reading another post. What do you consider a sign of insecurity in a Dom/Domme. What are the red flags. How would you handle it. Gee, I dunno.....sending a slave off to Collarme to ask others what the dominant should do......asking them to find out information about what punishment should be doled out...or if punishment should be given at all. That's worse to me than having them come here and ask themselves!

givemyall -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 2:07:43 PM)
I made one cry once - that was a great big red flag [:D] What did I do about it?..... got rid (fast)

WickedlyDevine -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 2:51:29 PM)
Indecision is huge. Adopting my views, hell I forget who is master then... Not respecting limits. Self-proclaimation, my faves are the Doms who demand being called Master or Sir even before saying "Hello." All talk, no action.

MistressSassy66 -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 3:14:34 PM)
I dont think asking if someone is okay is insecurity as much as wanting to make sure they are okay...with a newer submissive or a new activity it can be neccesary to ask several times. I suffer from bouts of indecision...I have so many types of things I can use its hard to decide what one I want.I also get spur of the moment ideas and can do an about face in seconds.Again not an insercurity just too many toys in a small room. Not to say that I dont sometimes feel insecure or doubt Myself,I think we all do that at times.But the relationships I have affirm that I have no reason really to feel that way.

juliaoceania -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 3:42:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: WickedlyDevine Indecision is huge. Adopting my views, hell I forget who is master then... Not respecting limits. Self-proclaimation, my faves are the Doms who demand being called Master or Sir even before saying "Hello." All talk, no action. The bold was added by me, you see, I do not see this as a sign of weakness or undomliness to accept my views on things when asked for them and I have intelligently articulated some sort of PoV that he respects and takes on as his own. I see this as very domly as a matter of fact because my brain belongs to him to use as he will, if he finds the information contained in it serves him... all the better I have served him But that is just me... etc

Morrigel -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 4:46:41 PM)
To me, the greatest signs of strength in a human being are courtesy and composure. Lose either, and you are no longer in control, and cannot call yourself "dominant" no matter how brutal and aggressive you become. As a domme, the greatest insecurities I see in other dominants tends to be 1) the refusal to admit that anyone who isn't like you in some way could share the trait of dominance with you--i.e., "You can't be dom...you're a woman!" "You can't be dom...you're not a muscular goon!" "You can't be dom...you're not white!" Etc etc ad nauseam, and 2) the inability to allow a sub any independence of thought, action or speech in simple social settings, whether through jealousy or because afraid the sub's intelligence, attractiveness or social graces will attract others too much. Have seen this latter one a few times, sadly. I believe someone earlier summarized it as "doms who isolate their subs". I'm sure if I was a sub I would see much more and know much more about the subject. --M

Your1Dom -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 6:07:05 PM)
Dnomyar, This is quite the interesting topic. Having read most of the responses to Your initial post, I recognize a lot of behaviors - especially in Kalira's response. It's not that I behave in the manners described - at least, I rarely do. But, I have seen it in many others, over the years. But, Your post is even more interesting to Me, because of My own situation. I will readily admit that I have begun to feel less self-confident, lately. I had been away from the scene for nearly 4 years, due to serious health problems. Now, that I have returned, I am embarking on a new D/s relationship and feeling a bit insecure. But, I recognize what is happening, and work hard to avoid altering My normal behavior. I understand that most insecurities and lack of self-confidence is a result of imagination run amok. People have a habit of making mountains out of molehills. I know that having unrealistic expectations of, and making unreasonable demands on others is even more harmful to one's self, than it is to the other party. So, I take a reality check when necessary. Again, this is an interesting subject, Dnomyar. I appreciate everyone letting Me vent a bit.

LordODiscipline -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 6:51:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: KatyLied My red flags: [Yadda Yadda Yadda] The Dom is always right, *Why would the truth be a 'red flag'?* *Wonderingly:* ~J

shadevarr -> RE: Inscurity in a Dom/Domme (10/19/2006 7:23:13 PM)
Things that Dom/mes have done in the past that annoyed me: 1. Acting like they know everything2. Inability to stick to their own rules3. Not caring for those under them4. Not saying sorry when they make a mistake

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