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RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 2:22:03 PM

Lordandmaster

Posts: 10943
Joined: 6/22/2004
Status: offline

I generally assume it means that the person has been conscious of d/s and active for the past x-number of years. Or basically, how many years have gone by since the first time you tied someone up or were tied by someone else.

But I also find that people who say things like this are usually not for me. The whole sensation-junkie crowd is always going around talking about how long they've been in the "lifestyle."

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 21

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 2:51:28 PM

justheather

Posts: 1532
Joined: 10/4/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

I tend to not speak in terms of "lifestyle". Maybe it's because my own expression of my kink has more to do with my interpersonal relationship(s) than it does anything particularly overt. I have always had the inclination toward the D/s dynamic and my particular kinks have been with me from early childhood. I don't know how else to quantify my "experience" (Does it have to involve other people, for example?), so I guess I just would rather not deal with the whole "lifestyle" concept and just focus on being.

We got some chickens this past Spring and we have been raising them since. It's something we do at home. We have invested a good deal of time and effort and money into the raising of the chickens and their existence in our lives impacts, to some extent, the way we live from day-to-day.

I have never once referred to myself as being "in the chicken raising lifestyle".

My little elfen dude goes to a particular kind of school. There is a certain vocabulary I share with the other parents there that perhaps those who do not have exposure to the school would not understand. We celebrate festivals most people I know have never heard of. Most of his clothing conforms to the school's dress code. My choice of his school has an impact on our daily lives.

I have never referred to myself as "being in the X School Lifestyle."

I shop at the Salvation Army but Im not a member of the Thrifting Lifestyle.
I love red wines but Im not living the Red Wine Drinking Lifestyle.

And Im involved in a primary relationship where there is the expression of kink and a power exchange dynamic.

This is my life. I don't think of it in terms of a "style".

But, by the same token, if someone else wants to refer to their life in terms of "a lifestyle" I usually don't give that a second thought either.

< Message edited by justheather -- 10/1/2006 2:52:40 PM >

_____________________________

I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
-Billy Collins

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 22

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 3:00:48 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
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I have always preferred that term, however being dyslexic, the multiple "i's" always throw me off balance.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

The way I put it in my profile is "I have been active in wiitwd for about 8 years.".

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 23

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 3:03:42 PM

BitaTruble

Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

To me it means someone who incorporates BDSM and/or M/s, D/s into their day to day living and has for X number of years.

quote:

Do you define what you do as a lifestyle? If you do, why?

Sometimes, because in spoken communication it's easier to say 'lifestyle' then 'wiitwd' or some other generic nomenclature. Either way, it doesn't bother me to use it, see it, write it or say it.

If I go to a BDSM event and someone says to me .. "Are you in the lifestyle?" I'll answer with a positive. If I go to a boat show and someone says "Are you in the lifestyle" .. I'll say.. "Nope, just here for the donuts."

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 24

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 3:03:45 PM

Missokyst

Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline

That chicken lifestyle one really cracked me up.
Kyst

quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather
I have never once referred to myself as being "in the chicken raising lifestyle".

This is my life. I don't think of it in terms of a "style".

But, by the same token, if someone else wants to refer to their life in terms of "a lifestyle" I usually don't give that a second thought either.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 25

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 3:49:11 PM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: justheather

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

I tend to not speak in terms of "lifestyle". Maybe it's because my own expression of my kink has more to do with my interpersonal relationship(s) than it does anything particularly overt. I have always had the inclination toward the D/s dynamic and my particular kinks have been with me from early childhood. I don't know how else to quantify my "experience" (Does it have to involve other people, for example?), so I guess I just would rather not deal with the whole "lifestyle" concept and just focus on being.

We got some chickens this past Spring and we have been raising them since. It's something we do at home. We have invested a good deal of time and effort and money into the raising of the chickens and their existence in our lives impacts, to some extent, the way we live from day-to-day.

I have never once referred to myself as being "in the chicken raising lifestyle".

My little elfen dude goes to a particular kind of school. There is a certain vocabulary I share with the other parents there that perhaps those who do not have exposure to the school would not understand. We celebrate festivals most people I know have never heard of. Most of his clothing conforms to the school's dress code. My choice of his school has an impact on our daily lives.

I have never referred to myself as "being in the X School Lifestyle."

I shop at the Salvation Army but Im not a member of the Thrifting Lifestyle.
I love red wines but Im not living the Red Wine Drinking Lifestyle.

And Im involved in a primary relationship where there is the expression of kink and a power exchange dynamic.

This is my life. I don't think of it in terms of a "style".

But, by the same token, if someone else wants to refer to their life in terms of "a lifestyle" I usually don't give that a second thought either.

I love this!

I guess for me it is kind of like that. More and more of what I see from those that self indentify with BDSM, lifestyle, WIIWD, etc etc etc.....just makes me want to disassociate sometimes. I mean, its grand and all and parts of the described topic are definately parts I personally identify with and will always encorporate in my life and relationships......BUT, yeah there had to be a but. But, I don't like having others feel they have to categorize what I chose, what I innately feel I am as a woman and a person. I get sick of the arguing of terminology, seeing people that share some of my life choices and interests bashing others for having their own opinions, choices and interests. Sometimes I see it as almost more narrow minded than the vanilla folks they want so badly to disassociate from.

It's like we, as humans, feel that we have to be able to smack a label on something to validate it and god forbid someone else have a different perception of what that label is. Yes I know we have to be able to call a spade a spade, but some call it a shovel, then others want to make sure its called a freakin post hole digging shovel for crying out loud and to call it a mere shovel is sacriledge and then the dictionaries are drug out and all hell breaks loose, THEN there is 10 pages of arguing over what hell is and wether or not it even exists yada yada yada.

So yeah, I don't MIND calling it a lifestyle or WIIWD or whatthefuckever. It does give a person an idea of what the hell you are talking about and its alot easier than saying........I have been into whupping asses, tying women up, dripping hot wax on their bits for 10 years but yanno I was really dreaming about it when I was 12 OR, the reverse.....the whole wanting to be......well, you get the picture. And I can understand LA's point of giving people a clue that you have had a clue for awhile and aren't totally clueless....

. Just don't assume that my lifestyle, WIIWD or whatthefuckever is exactly the same as your lifestyle, WIIWD, or whatthefuckever. And don't expect me to argue wether yours or mine is better, more true.......or whatthefuckever.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to justheather)

Post #: 26

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 4:08:37 PM

Amaros

Posts: 1363
Joined: 7/25/2005
Status: offline

Neither here not there for me, it certainly can be a lifestyle, in the sense that your life revolves around it the way other peoples lives revolve around work or children.

My life pretty much necessarily revolves around work and kids at this stage, and BDSM is something that's just going to have to get squeezed in around the margins - one day I'd love to have it central to my "lifestyle", a nice, dank soundproofed dungeon, whips and chains hanging from the walls, naked slaves feeding me grapes, snakes crawling around and shit - it's just not practical at this point in my life.

< Message edited by Amaros -- 10/1/2006 4:13:53 PM >

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 27

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 4:19:01 PM

jesskitty

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/4/2006
Status: offline

i don't like the term lifestyle in general. i've always been someone that never fits into one crowd to well, i am best satisified when i go from crowd to crowd because i tend to fit in with more than one 'group' of people. i like to view it as a personality trait as well..or a characteristic that makes up you and something else that you seek that fits/melds with that chracteristic as well.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 28

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 5:05:01 PM

BenignPlague

Posts: 52
Joined: 5/10/2005
Status: offline

I see lifestylers as community people, the ones that like being known by other local bdsm-friendly people, or who like to give lectures, demonstrations, host parties, frequent clubs, etc. I'm in the same boat as you, original poster; if we truly feel that this is who we have been all along, at what point does it make sense to say "life started Here"?

(in reply to jesskitty)

Post #: 29

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 5:34:43 PM

SweetSarijane

Posts: 3788
Joined: 10/7/2005
From: KC area Missouri
Status: offline

To me lifestyle or life or scene are simply common umbrella terms to refer to bdsm the same as WIITWD. I use common terms interchangeably when in discussions or posting in threads. It gets my point across plain and simple as that. WIITWD is part of my life, being submissive is part of who I am as a person, being a masochist is part of who I am as a person, so many things that make up the full me. Whatever term comes to mind is what I use and honestly it doesn't bother me what term others use so long as I understand what they are refering to. Just my view.

_____________________________

Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers KCSass

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 30

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 10:36:40 PM

Owned1

Posts: 847
Joined: 7/6/2005
From: Toronto, Ontario
Status: offline

I think when the term lifestyle is used it is simply to imply living with a portion of BDSM incorporated into the individuals daily life.

Perhaps it can also mean when they first became overtly aware of BDSM and begain to incorporate it into their life.

I think lifestyle can be interchanged to say Kink, D/s, M/s, or anything else that falls under the umbrella of alternative living.

I think it is simply easier to refer to lifestyle than to explain each time what it is each does in their life.

Many may have been aware they were different, and gravitated toward a kinky type of relationship however they did not know there was a name or a place for what they did. When they found that place it was a moment of excitement and realization.

Owned

_____________________________

~~in His Chains i am free~~

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 31

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/1/2006 11:39:31 PM

amayos

Posts: 1553
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: New England
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

I don't however, view this as a lifestyle. I see this as just what I do.

So very well said, Missokyst.

Personally, the term "lifestyle" has always sounded rather frivolous when used to describe my tastes. For me, what I do is what I do. I do not make a fetish out of fetish. I simply enjoy having slaves. I possess collars, shackles, gags and whips of different variety, but they are merely functional instruments in my world—not fashion statements.

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 32

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 2:52:49 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
Status: offline

quote:

"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."

When I read that, I imagine that it means this person has been aware of the existence of BDSM, and has "played" or "scened". For myself, this is who I am, and how I live. As to what it means for me: my kink and interest in wiitwd is power exchange relationships, which may or may not involve leather, whips, or watersports.

So, I specify that I am a relative newbie in my profile, not so much because I haven't read and learned enough about me and my likes to know where I fit, but more because I don't want anyone coming to me expecting single tail expertise (yah know, where you use it and don't kill/maime yourself or anyone else in the room

), as that will never happen. Obviously the best thing to do is ask the person with whom you're talking what it means for him, and how it is he has grown from having been in the lifestyle so many years. M

_____________________________

a.k.a. SexyBossyBBW
""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 33

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 3:48:24 AM

EvilGeoff

Posts: 523
Joined: 8/24/2005
Status: offline

Here is how I describe myself when doing an introduction in an online forum:

My name is Geoff, I'm a 45 year old, large, balding, ugly, sadistic,
tattooed, pierced, straight (but not narrow) Dominant. I've been
emotionally oriented towards this life/love/play-style as long as I
can remember there was a difference between boys and girls (and what
that difference was for). I've been an active learner/participant in
the BDSM community since 1998.

With that being said, I am in the camp of those who describe this as a Lifestyle. The people I look up to and respect, who I learn from, who I emulate, come from a wide variety of backgrounds, they don't all live their lives out of a textbook, but they share enough common ground to call it a Lifestyle. What we do is different from the mainstream, it is a subculture with rules, language, dress, rituals all it's own.

Many choose to call it Leather. Some call it BDSM. I just know that it is who and what I am inside. I made a conscious, willful, decision to live externally they way I am hardwired internally, in 1998. It was a choice, though the alternative choice of continuing to live a vanilla lie was leading me to depression, and ultimately, I think it would have lead to my death. At the time I made the decision to stop living the vanilla lie I was already at the point of contemplating suicide.

As BenignPlague asked:

quote:

at what point does it make sense to say "life started Here"?

For me, it was the point when I walked in the door of The Sanctuary of a Dark Angel for the very first time, in April of 1998. The Sanctuary was a dungeon, a play space, owned and operated by Master Doug Harris, his slave, boy bob, and other members of their family. They were a gay leather family and when I walked through those doors, it was like coming home. I felt like I _belonged_ there. I was welcomed, accepted, even loved.

I felt more at home there, than I EVER felt in the home of my flesh and blood family because at The Sanctuary, I didn't have to pretend. I didn't have to hide. I could just be ME. I didn't have to play, I didn't have to dress up, I didn't have to posture, I didn't have to do anything. I could watch, I could learn, I could be a sponge and absorb the atmosphere, the energy, the information. Or I could participate, share my feelings, ask questions, play. No pressure, no drama, just a place where my kinky self was free to be my kinky self.

So my life really began when I walked into that place in April of 1998. Everything up to that point was a prelude. I'm still living and learning and growing. And hopefully, I've helped a few people along the way find that freedom to live the truth of their own hearts.

Yours In Kink,
- Geoff

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 34

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 4:05:33 AM

Tenebrious

Posts: 101
Joined: 2/28/2005
From: right behind you
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: TxAllieGrl
Why everyone has to agree on labels is beyond me - I've been reading many, many posts and it seems like people argue just to argue, and so many are convinced that their way is the one and only right way.

I think that's a shame - as a whole, "our" tolerance for the opinions and choices of others in the LIFESTYLE is as judgemental as the way others view "us". We should celebrate our differences vs. finding excuses to divide us like a word.

Can I get some applause here? What a first post!

I think way too many people - both in and out of the "lifestyle" - take themselves waaaaaaayyyyyy too seriously.

Can't we all just get along?

(in reply to TxAllieGrl)

Post #: 35

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 7:41:05 AM

Mavis

Posts: 828
Joined: 2/8/2004
Status: offline

i dunno.. when i was actively looking, i was concerned that a potential Dominant was "active in the lifestyle" for some time. i needed to know they had exposure to common elements.. had seen others scene, been exposed to demos and quality teachers.. were past that Chest beating phase, had looked around enough to know what They wanted, and most importantly, enough to know Their own limitations. i felt i had put enough research and life-time into it to deserve a partner who was equally informed and experienced.

Obviously, dialogue would clarify those things, for having visited a dungeon 7 times doesn't mean anything was learned, but i still would rather start there than with talking to some guy who just found a link and put up a profile yesterday that said "I'm really curious about this stuff, sub or Dom, I will try anything once" Egads.

(in reply to Tenebrious)

Post #: 36

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 7:43:57 AM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people put this in their profile:
"I have been in the lifestyle for _____ years."
What does that mean to you?

For me, this is in reference to how long I have been actively doing the things that are indicative of WIITWD in meaningful ways that allowed me to both interact with other people and contribute to the community. This time doesn't include time where I was daydreaming/thinking about it or reading about it in order to educate myself. Certainly, that time was extremely important, but I didn't consider myself a Dominant until I began to actively practice what I'd read (I identified as a Master a few years later). The notion is kinda related to when I started calling myself a scientist; I considered myself a real scientist when I started to do published research as a Senior in college. That means, I've been a scientist for about 15 years. I wanted to be an Astronomer as a kid...even took college level course when I was in 7th grade and had a telescope and everything. But, I don't consider myself a scientist of 25 years; I was an amateur as a kid. What I did as a kid was meaningful to me, extremely important in my education and indicative of being an Astronomer, but I wasn't interacting with many other people or contributing to the community. I ended up in a slightly different field of study, but still under the umbrella of physics. So, while I understand that I've been interested in the lifestyle in a conscious manner for about 10 years and unconsciously for 20, I still say that I've only been active for 5. I had a submissive for service and kinky sex in 1998, but again, I wasn't interacting in the community. I went to my first MAsT meeting in 2001 and that's the point at which I define MY start in the lifestyle.

quote:

For me, I have enjoyed BDSM since I was too young to mention. And when within a relationship I choose to take a step down and let my partner lead. It is a choice that comes naturally when I am with some men.
I don't however, view this as a lifestyle. I see this as just what I do. *adding* ~ I feel it is more of a personality quirk that happens only with some men. It is not the way I am with ALL men I partner with~

If you don’t want to call it a lifestyle, certainly you have that choice! The term lifestyle is simply a way to quickly communicate that we are actively participating in at least a majority of commonly accepted ways. The fact that you don’t feel this way with all men doesn’t have anything to do with the lifestyle. You don’t want to sleep with or date all the men you meet, either.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
-----
Ms Relationship Books
-----
BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 37

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 7:51:48 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

Other than with my spouse (whom many people say I do have a Ds relationship with but I think of it more egalitarian) I only have Ds relationships that are beyond friendship. In short, I don't do poly unless it is with a slave and I have zero attraction to dominant/top men or women beyond friendship.

However, no, I don't think of this as "lifestyle" but just me living as I wish with folks who also wish to live this way. I've never been attracted to fetishwear or lots of props -- I have my equipment, Fox has his collar, and we can "dress up" for conventions or events we attend but that isn't our everyday life nor would I want it to be.

That said I think just living and having Ds as the foundation of your relationships is much scarier to many people than having the props and fetishwear. I mean, there's no signal to say I'm in charge, I just am regardless of wether I'm naked, in a formal outfit, or wearing teddybear slippers. It has become just the natural way things work around here though yes we do have certain rituals and rules we follow.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 38

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 8:06:24 AM

LadyHugs

Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Dear EvilGeoff, Ladies and Gentlemen;

I cannot expand to much on what EvilGeoff said, to where it is very much like those who denied their Gay side, tried their best to ignore, to avoid, to live a lie because it wasn't 'normal' by society standards.

It is that 'facing' of the way of life and feeling and not denying it any longer. Some come into acknowledgment of it a lot earlier than others. But, once you find that 'I'm home, I am accepted as is, I have a huge family that wants to love me 'as is'--You cannot return to what was. It is a commitment--mostly to yourself and what calls to your spirit.

In my early experiences, which I call my salad days, as I was so green and so young. I had Masters, much like Papa/Daddy/SIR/Master Doug Harris who were Gay and scooped me up with loving, accepting and protective arms. I was seen beyond my sex, my size, shape or their personal giggles and grins. I was an investment in myself and they would see the benefits of me reinvesting in the Leather Community.
Like everybody else of that era, I earned my leathers from my peers.
It was the moment that nothing else will replace. To have those Masters who were once instructors, mentors, and some of them a pain in the boxers, some who looked on with doubt, some totally against me at the beginning and did all the could to break me and couldn't; give me an investiture ceremony and gave their voice in support of why I was entitled to be a Master--words do not do justice to the moment or the feelings.

Basicly, it is 'coming out of the closet' when you choose and commit to what we all practice and or hope to practice, what calls to us.
What we have in common is the elements to which we draw from to make it our personal/individual recipe for success and--freedom to be ourselves at last.

Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs

(in reply to EvilGeoff)

Post #: 39

RE: Lifestyle or just life? - 10/2/2006 8:18:59 AM

MasterC46910

Posts: 108
Joined: 4/17/2006
Status: offline

You know, it sounds like a bunch of law students in here arguing about things that really have little meaning in the overall picture. Each person has their way to define life around them, why is it so important what words we use as long as the meaning gets across?

I put the number of years I have been it the lifestyle to give someone a idea that I was around before the internet. I do agree that the number of years is not related to experience. But it is a measure of time they been involved and some idea of what they have seen over the years as things evolved to what it is today.

I still call it a lifestyle. It is what I have always used and see no reason to change because just because someone decides it is not the "proper" thing to call it. I feel if you can not understand it, then you only have to ask me what lifestyle means. I would explain it in what I considered it to mean.

Why is the actually wording so important if you can understand the meaning?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 40

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