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RE: Missed opportunities - 9/30/2006 9:34:05 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
walk by completely oblivious when life puts the very object of their desire before them. Indecision cripples. It behooves us to sharpen our skills of observation and act when an opportunity presents itself.

Any ideas on how one becomes less oblivious? I'm wonderful at missing things, and not seeing it until later, when the moment has passed. M

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""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Missed opportunities - 9/30/2006 10:35:50 PM

Frank01

Posts: 270
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: amayos
walk by completely oblivious when life puts the very object of their desire before them. Indecision cripples. It behooves us to sharpen our skills of observation and act when an opportunity presents itself.
Any ideas on how one becomes less oblivious? I'm wonderful at missing things, and not seeing it until later, when the moment has passed. M

By being alive in the moment, and fearing nothing can be as bad, as nothing at all.............

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

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RE: Missed opportunities - 9/30/2006 10:43:03 PM

BlkTallFullfig

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Frank01
By being alive in the moment, and fearing nothing can be as bad, as nothing at all.........

Thanks.

I need to think about this a lot more because I've always thought my fearless nature when going into/involved in situations (once I've taken notice, lol) is what lands me on my derriere. M

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""Touching was, and still is, and will always be, the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 9/30/2006 10:43:52 PM

littlesarbonn

Posts: 1710
Joined: 12/3/2005
From: Stockton, California
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I know I did. But all I can think is that I learned A LOT from the experience, and hopefully I will never make the mistakes I made back then again.

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RE: Missed opportunities - 9/30/2006 10:48:32 PM

Frank01

Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: BlkTallFullfig

quote:

ORIGINAL: Frank01
By being alive in the moment, and fearing nothing can be as bad, as nothing at all.........
Thanks.
I need to think about this a lot more because I've always thought my fearless nature when going into/involved in situations (once I've taken notice, lol) is what lands me on my derriere. M

The chance you never take is always the one you regret.

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 9:39:58 AM

stardancer00

Posts: 60
Joined: 7/6/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

I think that I have done that all of my life. I've had many chances to find happiness...only to let it slip through my fingers like sands through the proverbial hour glass.

So, to those of you who yearn for that very special partner who could possibly complete your life and could help to make it meaningful, just go with your instincts and take a chance.

"it is a process perhaps?" Juliaoceana

All the responses thus far have touched upon ways in which unconscious processes affect one's ability to make decisions. It is indeed a process which matures and changes over time. It is impossible to know exactly what any decision will bring with certainty, be that "happiness," or "misery," but all decisions contain keys to growth within them if we are not oblivious to the messages they bring. Development occurs on many levels, not just through the interaction with another person. It is important to move into a wholeness of self, by taking the choices one has made, especially the more disturbing ones, and using them to understand motive and motivation, and then in taking the time to truly assess whether being with a specific Dominant will enable both of you to express your deeper needs and to grow with one another. It goes beyond instinct or taking chances when one brings clarity of self and the understanding that we create meaning within ourselves before we can truly connect with another in the most profound ways.

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 11:39:46 AM

losttreasure

Posts: 875
Joined: 12/17/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

I think that I have done that all of my life. I've had many chances to find happiness...only to let it slip through my fingers like sands through the proverbial hour glass.

Giving up power is not easy, even though it's something that many submissives/slaves have fantasized about and yearned for all of our lives. But when faced with the reality of spending our lives with someone who we believe has the power to control us, we often balk and run, even though this is something that we have always yearned for.

How many times have we done that? How many times have we regretted our decision?

I have spent my entire life wrestling with the notion that I would love to be in a relationship with a totally controlling person; but when it came down to the reality, I have always backed away. Why? I do not know why. Maybe it is because I don't trust myself enough to make that decision and go with it.

Missed opportunities will never be recovered. They are only sweet memories of what could have been.

So, to those of you who yearn for that very special partner who could possibly complete your life and could help to make it meaningful, just go with your instincts and take a chance.

If you don't try, you may very well end up like me, alone and dreaming of what might have been a reality, but it is now only just a dream.

No, I've never had more than I have today. Today, I do have it all... but tomorrow I will have even more because I will have the wisdom and experiences that today brings.

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "hindsight is 20/20"; it's true... we can easily see the mistakes we've made in the past. But you cannot live life looking backward. iliv2servher... have you considered that your past is what prepares you for your future?

With his permission, I'm quoting a post that my own beloved made in another thread. In it, he explains beautifully how the relationships of our past made us each ready to face the reality of meeting each other.

quote:

ORIGINAL: FirmhandKY

There are no guarantees in life.

However, I will say that one's attitude is often a determining factor in "success" or "failure".

Knowing that you may never find the "perfect" match for you shouldn't be a surprise, but then again, failure to try will almost certainly guarantee failure to find.

Personally, I've looked for years on this site and others, and in person. I've meet some nice, interesting people, and I've meet some not so nice or interesting people. At times I've spent a lot of time looking, at other times I just said "to hell with it".

For a time.

In the end, when I did find "the one", I couldn't believe it at first. It was just too good to be true .... I had to slap myself, mentally . I tried all the test, all the "tricks" that I knew to confirm or deny, to catch her, and make her expose her "real self".

Fortunately for me, her "real self" was the one she was showing me.

Yes, I've found what I was looking for, after years of thinking, soul-searching and looking. And it's a match that is so excellent that it's one that I never realisticly expected, although I had always kept a forlorn hope out for it. It not based on fantasy, but a realistic and deep appreciation of what we both want, and what we both need. It is based on years of being in relationships that weren't what we both wanted or needed.

It was easy to recognize because of all the people and relationships before that weren't successful. Those people and relationships that "didn't work out" were the fire that purified our souls, and our self-understanding. So even the most difficult and unfufilling relationship we had before were a positive thing in the long run, and helped forged our understanding of what we truly wanted and needed.

ahhh, yes, I have truly found my treasure.

FHky

In my own journal, I wrote the following words with regard to my relationship with FirmHandKY...

"...what has been driven home for me in the past few months is that it's doubtful you'll get what you want unless you ask for it, but it is certain you'll never get what you want if you settle for less."

Never look back thinking you should have settled. When the relationship is right, and relinquishing your power is right, you'll know.

(in reply to iliv2servher)

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 12:16:08 PM

KatyLied

Posts: 13029
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I have many things that I need now. In the past I had bits and pieces of things I needed, but with more emotion attached, and in some cases, more problems attached. Unfortunately (and in some cases fortunately) they didn't work out. I'm taking it slowly. One day I hope to find that perfect fit, if indeed there is such a thing. I'm committed to enjoying what I have for as long as it is workable. Although it takes two to contribute to a relationship, there are times when one person can do every right thing and just be with the wrong person, that is an unfortunate circumstance.

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 1:53:12 PM

LASub4Real

Posts: 169
Joined: 1/10/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher
I think that I have done that all of my life. I've had many chances to find happiness...only to let it slip through my fingers like sands through the proverbial hour glass.

How many times have we done that? How many times have we regretted our decision?

Missed opportunities will never be recovered. They are only sweet memories of what could have been.

If you don't try, you may very well end up like me, alone and dreaming of what might have been a reality, but it is now only just a dream.

Interesting, but you might also consider the "path not taken" theory. When you come to a fork in the path of life, you must go one way of the other, but once you have made a choice, you will always fantasize that the opposite choice would have been better.

I have a sneaking suspicion that it's often not a case of the paths taken but or the traveller himself/herself. The other paths (choices) would have broguth no more happiness, or challenge, or fulfillment, than the road that we happen to be on. It's just easier to imagine that had we only done this or that then our lives would have been completely fulfilled. Not that people don't make mistakes (I certainly have) but successful peole spend their efforts learning from their mistakes and adapting and less time on regret.

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 4:10:29 PM

jesskitty

Posts: 185
Joined: 9/4/2006
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i belive everyone gets classically conditioned in one point or another in life. i think this fits well with relationships. after so many trial and errors i think we expect one thing or another when we see something simliar start to happen in a relationship that has happend in a previous one. to many bad events happen, and you expect to have a bad event, so when something positive comes along it is scarry because i think we are beings of habit, we like when things are simliar for the most part. i haven't had an opportunity to run away from such an event, but i do know the few times i get treated differently than i'm used to in a postivly way it confuses me. i think over time though it's possible for us to erase this bad 'training' in a sense.

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 4:14:20 PM

LTRsubNW

Posts: 1604
Joined: 5/6/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: iliv2servher

I think that I have done that all of my life. I've had many chances to find happiness...only to let it slip through my fingers like sands through the proverbial hour glass.

Giving up power is not easy, even though it's something that many submissives/slaves have fantasized about and yearned for all of our lives. But when faced with the reality of spending our lives with someone who we believe has the power to control us, we often balk and run, even though this is something that we have always yearned for.

How many times have we done that? How many times have we regretted our decision?

I have spent my entire life wrestling with the notion that I would love to be in a relationship with a totally controlling person; but when it came down to the reality, I have always backed away. Why? I do not know why. Maybe it is because I don't trust myself enough to make that decision and go with it.

Missed opportunities will never be recovered. They are only sweet memories of what could have been.

So, to those of you who yearn for that very special partner who could possibly complete your life and could help to make it meaningful, just go with your instincts and take a chance.

If you don't try, you may very well end up like me, alone and dreaming of what might have been a reality, but it is now only just a dream.

I've been fortunate in life...some great relationships, some not so great...learned from all of them, and what I've found is/was...

The ones that failed were the other persons fault and the ones that were spectacular...it was all me.

(But that's just me )

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 6:01:15 PM

Sirandlittle1

Posts: 538
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If he's your sub, and takes a add out to be a Dom. Sounds like there are more than sub needs in his soul?
So not sure what his issue was, or your issue was.
For me, ive baulked at submitting on a few occasions. Usually, the scenario goes in the same formula:
I dont feel my needs are being met
I dont feel secure and safe
I shut down my vulnerable submissive side
i jump in uber Domme mode and take control of my life back
"oh shit, im losing my Dom coz im being a wanker" reality hits home
and we talk. and talk, and talk, until its sorted.
Usually, its so bloody simple though. My life, my submission etc are all running on self fulfilling prophecies. If i submit, he dominates. If im a wanker, he loses interest in dominating me. Not exactly rocket science, but soooo elusive when your stuck in wanker mode.

(in reply to BuxomGoddess714)

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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 6:45:48 PM

justheather

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Joined: 10/4/2005
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quote:

Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on to ruin it?

Yes.
Well, I didnt go on to ruin it, but somewhere early on I was sure revving up the engines, possibly toward that end.
But when I started to get all weird and scared and acting like I was about to blow it all up, he calmly said "You tell your little fear demons they are going to have to come up with something better than this."
And man, let me tell you, was I surprised and impressed and grateful.
I know it has been said before (and before that and before that and before that) but the antidote for this pattern of behavior is honest, healthy communication.
It's what makes it possible to proceed forward in the face of fear.
If you don't have the skills, get them because until you have them, any attempt at a healthy (hopefully happy, too) relationship is in vain.

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I want the scissors to be sharp
And the table perfectly level
When you cut me out of my life
And paste me in that book you always carry.
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RE: Did you ever think that you had it all, but went on... - 10/1/2006 10:57:51 PM

sweetnsensual

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i've done this...so many times. i agree with what some other people have said, it is a form of self-sabatoge--i don't believe i deserve this great and wonderful thing. but then another part of me remembers, "Oh wait, most of those guys were jerks so it doesn't even matter."

it does, however, matter now. i keep remembering the jerks and the ones who very well could have been jerks or could have just been guys who finally gave up after i threw up a ton of walls and defences around myself. those memories are keeping me from finding real happiness to the point of starting/continuing fights with a Dom i've been talking to for a while now. He's really great and has been there for me but there's still a part of me that wonders. and whether or not i turn out right in the end (that he is a jerk and wasn't real in the first place) isn't the issue. the issue is it's a huge milestone i have to get over every time i meet someone new and let me have the possibility of a relationship.

so, in answer to someone's question as to why some subs do run away--probably the most basic and most popular reason is fear. Fear that we're not good enough to be loved like that, fear that we've made the wrong choice with our Dom/me and we won't be able to change our mind later (i kinda got that impression from the OPer but maybe i'm wrong, i won't pretend i know what's going on in their head), fear that the person will turn out to hurt us in the end. remember, those are all normal and justified fears (or at least can be based on the person and their previous experiences). Fear: it's nothing new but there it is.

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