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question? - 9/24/2006 3:42:24 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		this is gonna sound really wierd, but i almost have an issue saying "no" or using a safe word.  Which is wierd, because i'm REALLY good at saying no. 

2 examples (how we ran into it this weekend)

I was hogtied up and stuck in a coffin.  I was checked on every couple of minutes if i was "ok" - if everything was kosher and i kept giving the go.  Which i'm glad i did, as i've never been hogtied in a coffin before.  When i was ready to stop, i managed to come up with a really unique side step and say (as my Dom was there)  "i'd really like to be tied up and spanked now" 

Which really was "ok"  BUT i got in alittle over my head abit later.  Which i couldnt admit.  <grins> This really awesome Dom that i had been teasing all night told me i couldnt take it.  So formalities were done and i was taking it.  Which i have to admit i would of like to have been able to say "ooo not so hard, or slow down abit"  Something aye?  But when i was asked, i said the same thing "i'm ok, i'm ok"  LOL 

Luckily, my Daddy was there and well everyone seemed to be paying attention and some one thought they saw blood and Daddy stepped in to check and then had me brought down.  Because HE knows, i wouldnt stop - i'd of kept going.  Of course, i wasnt bleeding where everyone thought i was bleeding, but skin had opened up on my thigh (from the wrap around)

So okay - we get the scenario, right?  We get i was safe, things were kosher, having fun, ect right?   

My friend says i need to work on it, dunno tho - Daddy'll be there and he knows me well enough.  <grins> So why should i worry about it!

Granted!!!!!!! i'm NOT complaining, i had an awesome time.  It was awesome, the Dom was awesome, Daddy was awesome and even everyone else around was awesome.  Hell it was an awesome weekend. 

but i dunno if i'd be able to do it, even with tips and ideas

You know and i was given a safe word, which i think only hell and high water would of brought it from my lips. 

dunno really strange.. when abit later when the electricity was brought out, i had NO problem saying "that scares me"  and i had no problem almost bursting into tears as it came close to being in contact with me.  Course i still didnt say no... LOL .. Newp! i just stood there!  Course i had my "comfort" folks around me so i was leaning on them abit.....

And i'm not like "unhappy" with my inability to back down or walk away or say no... but well my friend has a valid point, i should be able to do it.

i dunno - whats everyone think?

< Message edited by Devilslilsister -- 9/24/2006 3:45:00 PM >

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 3:47:30 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		You need to be comfortable communicating at all levels with your play partner.  They have that expectation of you and if you cannot do that, you need to let them know beforehand.



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"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 3:56:09 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		dur.. yeah i'm going on and on.. (i'm worn down from the head down) ya know my friend is suggesting a green, yellow, red system.  But i'm sure i'd give greens!  lol.  But oddly, i dun have this problem with my Daddy.  i got noooooo issue being like "whoaaaaa"  or letting him know its too much. 

<shrugs> maybe its the challenge?

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 3:56:37 PM   
topcat


Posts: 1675
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Tidewater, VA
Status: offline 		Midear K.-
 
I never get this-
 
 sure, you should be able to wimp out, but you don't, and you think that's wrong...
 
was any of the work actually too much for you? Why would you have safed out if not?
 
It sounds to me, from what you've written, that you did very well, in some tough-but-not-extreme scenes, and feel like you should have pulled up earlier. Why would you want that?
 
quote:

   It was awesome, the Dom was awesome, Daddy was awesome and even everyone else around was awesome.  Hell it was an awesome weekend. 

but i'm whupped, good lord!  LOL (yeah its nice) so i'm contemplative and i was just thinking.... hmmm  wonder if i should learn to do that? 


Sounds to me like you are over thinking a great time...
 
Stay Warm,
Lawrence

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:01:00 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		true that LA.  But you know its not an honesty thing, i just had a friend suggest that.  Hell maybe it is?  Cos i AM "ok"  i would just LIKE it to A)slow down B) not so hard C) give me a minute - ect 

or hell just "i'm not comfortable"  Cos the whole tied up and coffin thing, i wasnt really comfie and i had to really work my body language to not give me away.  <wicked grin> i know i'm bad!  BUT i was interested. (and i'm glad i did it)

Its a rock and hard spot.  Its like a  yes/no thing.  Yes i was uncomfortable and yes i was interested.  Same with being strung up.  Yes it was abit hard and yes i was okay. 

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:07:12 PM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		 
Ya know, I called red once; with a new dom (wannabe?) first time we played.  He was wrapping whips all over; I was afraid I was gonna loose an eye! <smiles at mom>  While I trusted him as a man...he didn't know what he was doing with a whip and we were in a cabin in the woods.
 
Since then I make sure to play first time with some people around, or I watch him/her play with others...or others I know can tell me the person knows what they're doing.
 
The only other time I've called 'Red' is when it was just too cold at my house and every little smack with anything hurt like hell!  I couldn't 'settle down' enough to enjoy playing; I was just too cold!
 
Past those two times, I have always played with folks who knew me and bodies well enough to 'read' mine.  There have been a time or two when I wondered how long I could continue...but the Dominant seemed to know exactly when to quit.  I appreciate Dom/mes who 'check in'...not only asking me how I'm doing, but running hands over welts and checking hands for temperature, etc.  That some try their damndest to make a girl call 'red' just make me think: WANNABEEE!
 
But, that's just me,
bearlee


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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:07:53 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		TopCat!!  Heeeeeeeelllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooo Nurse!

You're right!  i do AGREE its wrong to wimp out!  i did have fun, learn new things, benefit from the experiences, and well had a great time.

i dunno, sounds like case closed to me

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to topcat)
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:13:21 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		Hey Bearlee - i'm sure if i ever get in a situation like that, i'd learn real quick.  LOL  But i did know him well enough to know he was good, i watched him play with his girl earlier on.  i was surrounded by ppl.  He checked, and plus my body language i dont think said anything other then bring it on.  LOL  Hell it was fun and i think i stomped my foot at him a couple of times = )

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to Bearlee)
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:19:30 PM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		If it is too much then use the blasted safe word.  We use green, yellow and red.  I have only used yellow once or twice and red maybe once.  That was when the Dom was wound up and didn't take time to really relax before play.  He does not allow that to happen anymore.  Infact has been a bit to gentle since then but i suspect He and i will be back to normal soon.

diamond

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"Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much." Robert Greenleaf

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:21:39 PM   
mystiknitelite


Posts: 7
Joined: 9/29/2005
Status: offline 		Hello everyone,

I'm Devilslilsister's friend, the one giving my advice over the whole weekend.... gee gal, i'm so knackered right now as well, and i still have laundry to do!!! lol....

Anyways....

Here are my thoughts on Devilslilsister's weekend.... keep in mind, i was there for each and every minute of the evening... [since my evening didn't pan out, lol, but, thats something all together different!]

When it came to being hog tied in a coffin - I knew she would like this personally, she is very interested in Shibari [goodness, i hope i spelled that right, i'm quite tired right now] The problem was, is that she wasn't very comfortable with the PERSON doing the rope work on her.... She knows her Daddy wanted to see it and see more of it done, since he knows some, but is not 140% experienced in it or anything.  I watched her eyes.... she might have been able to work her body into seeming to enjoy it, but her eyes, they are true emotions and thoughts in those orbs.... I was concerned, and stuck so close, my hand was on the coffin almost constantly....

Now, what i feel she should have done, was tell her Daddy that she would love to experience it more, but, with someone else, out of ear shot of this particular Dom - i actually didn't get a very comfortable feeling from this man.... but, thats just my opinion....

Now, when it came to the second scene she participated in with another Dom -  What she really means by 'pull up sooner' is... well, yes, she did enjoy it and no, i don't think anything went 'over and beyond' what should and could have occured.... but, she could have communicated to start 'slower' do some type of 'warm up' work it up, bring it down, take it back higher.... etc. make it last more than 15 minutes... [although, it was the nicest 15 minutes of her dancing and jumping so high and hard that several people had to come to the rescue to hold the Frame she was strapped too so she wouldn't go tumbling to the ground..

my whole point is communicating more - granted, i think i have plans on dragging her and her Master to these parties more often [expecially when he has the time] and experiencing more and more with the same and other dominants will perhaps crack her 'i can take it all' mentality.... I've even expressed that to help work on it, if she could ask her Master to help and use the light system, get her used to using it - because he will know when she is lying, and can 'call her on it' and make her tell the truth... and if she gets used to that, she will ultimately be able to express more with other people in various scenes she is participating in.

Thats my 2 cents, as her friend, and someone who was there to see it all...

carrie ann     

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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 4:26:39 PM   
Arastella


Posts: 262
Joined: 7/22/2006
Status: offline 		Well I suppose, if he knows you very well, he'd know when you've had enough.  Which, to me, sounds like it's fine not to say no, as there may be more you can take than you are aware of.  If he thinks you can take more, and you're not going to say no, that's good since he can take you further than you've been taken in the past.  All the better right?

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 5:37:31 PM   
Devilslilsister


Posts: 1262
Joined: 8/3/2006
Status: offline 		yeah man i'm fookin knackered..  and i've not an intellligent thought in my head to respond.. but it twas interesting to see what you had to say!  lol 

ahhhh and i say screw the laundry!  it can go to hell in a handbasket with mine..  Hey!  when i first saw those things, i was worried i'd break em.  Least all i have to worry about now is tipping them over.  heh

think imma have to create some sort of disclaimer.....

arastella - Daddy wasnt the one doing it and was in fact the one that stopped it all cos he didnt want me to allow it to go too far.   As i'm sure you know, between him and me.. there are no safewords, no "i've had enough", and i KNOW you know that the word "no" does not apply with him.  LOLOL  What you said, is excatly how it works between him and me.  He reads me well, hell he's good at reading anyone.. and he knows how far to go.

but thats the thing isnt it?  It wasnt with him.. he was just there keeping an eye on things

_____________________________

My ability to cope with BS is at an all time low - me

i may look like i'm doing nothing, but i'm very busy at a cellular level

(in reply to Arastella)
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 6:05:01 PM   
MagiksSlave


Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline 		Moved to new thread

< Message edited by MagiksSlave -- 9/24/2006 6:06:10 PM >

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If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.


-Rodney Atkins-



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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 6:43:57 PM   
LotusSong


Posts: 6334
Joined: 7/2/2006
From: Domme Emeritus
Status: offline 		I never relied on safe words.  It's my job to pay attention to what I'm doing and when I see the body language or appearances in a way I feel needs to be dealt with.. I do what must be done.  If that means stopping the scene for the sub missive's own good, I do.  I control the scene.. not the submissive. I have GOT to be their common sense.



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Life Lesson #1

I'm not your type.
I'm not inflatable.


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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 6:46:45 PM   
MasterFireMaam


Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Devilslilsister

Daddy'll be there and he knows me well enough.  <grins> So why should i worry about it!


YOU, ultimately, are responsible for keeping yourself fit for service. This means using a safeword that's been given to you even when your ego is pushing you to "take it". One day, Daddy might NOT be around. Just my personal opinion.

Master Fire


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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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RE: question? - 9/24/2006 7:03:33 PM   
ImpGrrl


Posts: 575
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I never relied on safe words.  It's my job to pay attention to what I'm doing and when I see the body language or appearances in a way I feel needs to be dealt with.. I do what must be done.  If that means stopping the scene for the sub missive's own good, I do.  I control the scene.. not the submissive. I have GOT to be their common sense.




They are their *own* common sense - always.  It's not *about* who's controlling it - it's about who *really* knows better how it's feeling and what's too much.

Yes, it's absolutely the top's responsibility to pay attention.  But it's the *bottom's* responsibility to communicate as well.

(in reply to LotusSong)
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RE: question? - 9/25/2006 7:28:16 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LotusSong

I never relied on safe words.  It's my job to pay attention to what I'm doing and when I see the body language or appearances in a way I feel needs to be dealt with.. I do what must be done.  If that means stopping the scene for the sub missive's own good, I do.  I control the scene.. not the submissive. I have GOT to be their common sense.


I agree that the dominant should be in control of the situation and should know when to stop the scene and on and on.  Having seen several submissives who'd played with dominants who "shoulda" but "didna", I personally have come to this conclusion:  I am responsible as the dominant for keeping my end of the bargain and being very aware of what I am doing and of how it is affecting the submissive I am playing with.  SHE is responsible for using the damn safeword I gave her to use if I make an error in my judgment.  I can see her outer physical condition, I cannot see inside her but as has been noted on here before...many times...none of us are perfect, dominants included.  As careful and as observant as I try to be, and as much as I don't want to play with someone who 'wimps' out and uses a safeword the very first hard strike, neither do I want to play with someone who is so damn stoic that she never uses a safeword or someone who takes a secret pride in the fact that they 'never' use a safeword.  I've been there and done that and have been threatened to have my ass thrown in jail for marks that were wanted...right up until the next day when those marks made their presence known not only by appearance but with the pain that went with them.


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RE: question? - 9/25/2006 8:08:45 AM   
RiotGirl


Posts: 3149
Status: offline 		Safewords... never used em!  lol  Tho there isnt any pride with that = )  Never been an option before.  Ya know, i had a safeword 2 or 3 weeks ago in the public setting which was "i'm gonna kick your ass mutherfucker"  That was my safeword, because i knew when i reached the point of WANTING to kick some ones ass, i'd be done.  That's my limit when it starts to hurt too much and i can barely take it - i get abit pissed = )  Course it didnt pop out of my mouth.  LOL 

LOL - i should prolly try using something like with any other public scenes.  Not something calm like "red" or "blue" but something that i can vocalize how i feel in the heat of the moment.  Because as it seems to be, i'm not a calm quiet girl when it comes to those public scenes.  i stomp my foot, i stick out my tongue, i tease, i have witty things to say, i act like a brat, i laugh, i hollar, i make TONS of noises, i dance around i'm told, i even use my restraints to suspend myself in mid air...

i think when with the last toy that was used, every time it landed i said "oh snap" 

but see, my question wasnt on the scene.  Cos i had fun and it was all good.  My question was how to get past an inside barrier of not being able to communicate appropriately.  Though, i dunno.  i think Top Cat has it. 

and i dunno.... i dont think there is anything wrong with pushing yourself.  Its prolly all i was doing, was pushing myself.  I think if one is in a safe enviroment, all ground rules - formalities laid out, with experienced and intelligent ppl around - its okay to push yourself.  Plus, i think its interesting to see how far some one can go.  I enjoy pushing myself though i do have a tendency to push myself abit too hard at times.  Ie when i'm working out, the only time i slowed down was when i thought i was i going to pass out.  (course i've learned since then to EAT before hand and i dont reach that spot) 

As far as you Creative - i think its wrong to blame anyone else for something that was wanted.  We are ultimately responsible for ourselves, aye? 

interesting thread to start when one is beyond exshausted!  Tho i do appreciate everyone who helped put it straight in my head.  i didnt do anything wrong  = )  Which of course was my concern


< Message edited by RiotGirl -- 9/25/2006 8:10:29 AM >

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RE: question? - 9/25/2006 8:14:16 AM   
Frank01


Posts: 270
Joined: 9/7/2006
Status: offline 		I feel guilty and a bit abused if someone tells me I screwed up after the fact.

It makes me not want to play with them again.

(in reply to RiotGirl)
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RE: question? - 9/25/2006 8:24:16 AM   
MasterRoissey


Posts: 40
Joined: 3/15/2006
Status: offline 		In thirty years, I have never had a sub/slave/trainee safe word on Me. I believe I read the situation pretty well, usually far better than they...
and while I dont believe its ever occured( I'll have to ask) , I could envision My slave not doing so in a public play situation for fear of "embarrassing "Me. all the more reason to stay very tuned in to her.

(in reply to Frank01)
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